Binge Eating Disorder Support 4

[IronMaggie]

Hello, and welcome to our 4th(!) support thread for those affected by Binge Eating Disorder (BED) & disordered eating.

Our manifesto - we recognise that diets are absolutely not the answer, and that overcoming food restriction can help us to have a healthier relationship with food, and with ourselves.

So join us. Share your story. Or lurk quietly in the shadows. Either way, most people feel relieved to find others who know what they're going through.

For some background reading, here are the first 3 threads:-
Thread 1 March 2014
Thread 2 October 2014
Thread 3 April 2015

Here are a few resources to kick off your recovery journey:

• Overcoming Binge Eating - the 'bible'; used by many Eating Disorder services' treatment programmes, this is a good place to start.
• Brain over Binge - an alternative view; the scientific approach to understanding and stopping binge urges.
• Women Food and God - an interesting look at why we overeat that resonates with many.
• Some of us also follow the blogs of coaches within the ED / body image online communities - Isabel Foxen Duke and Summer Inannen are just a couple of examples, full list of online resources to follow shortly...

Please bear in mind that most of the contributors to this thread are eating disorder sufferers and not professionals. As with any online forum, it is best to supplement support on here with real-life support and advice from professionals.

Hi everyone.

I'm returning to this thread as I'm somewhat at a low ebb. I've been following it without posting and find it helps me a lot and calms my mind in regard to food (so thank you to all who post!).

I'm just at that point where I'm feeling utterly exhausted by the constant thoughts and battles around food.

As much as I want to beat BED I'm still so hung up on weight. I'm really quite overweight and so uncomfortable! It affects my confidence, what kind of mum and wife I am, my energy to do housework I really ought to be doing, my general happiness, confidence at work. Yet I know yet another diet is not the answer and I need to focus on long-term getting myself well and beating this (or at least controlling it to an extent).

Something that's really not helping at the moment is a friend's upcoming wedding in the next 6 months where I'm going to see lots of people I've not seen since before I had my DC and the idea of them all seeing me and how I've let myself go is really panicking me. I know it's silly and it's just one day (and nobody will probably really give a hoot!) but it's how I'll feel. I think if it wasn't for this event I wouldn't feel quite so under pressure.

I'm going to try and post more regularly and focus on one meal/snack at a time. I think I might read the previous threads to to get my head back in a better space.

So nice to see you Bonnie, and I'm so sorry you've been having a difficult time.

It's a common theme isn't it, us creating a link between our weight and our self-worth? I've definitely done the same - agonising over my weight in the run-up to a school reunion or birthday party. Blech.

A meal and snack routine would be a good place to start. Did you say you were talking to a professional to get help with that?

Also, you know that another diet isn't the answer, which is fantastic. But would you say that you're still at that stage where you're waiting for the right weight to come along in order to make everything perfect? Do you have a clear picture in your head of how life will be different once you see that magic number on the scale? In yourself, with DCs, DH, work etc...?

Hi Maggie - thank you for your reply.**
**
I have been for an initial counselling session for assessment and currently on the NHS waiting list but have decided to go private as we've just come into a little bit of money and feel this would be a good way to spend some of it (the main focus of the counselling would be childhood and low self esteem but I feel this would also impact on my eating too hopefully).

Yes, I've always always thought 'when I'm thinner I'll wear nice clothes/get a different job/be a more happy and fun mum/have a lovely house' etc etc. It's really sad when I think about it that I've never really allowed myself the pleasure of just being me and having and doing normal things like everyone else has. I even remember being about 13/14 and looking through the Next catalogue thinking about the clothes I could wear once I was thinner. It's so frustrating to think that so much of my life has been dominated by this (I'm now 29).

As I get older I am starting to think 'sod it' and allowing myself things more but still not living to my full potential.

I need to try and take baby steps I think instead of rushing and then everything going to pot.

Can definitely relate to the whole weight loss/dieting/self worth aspect of why I binge eat (especially post baby weight and now littlest DC is a year old it's getting me down).

And also the "an event is coming up" therefore I must be a certain weight for that event (especially if my family are involved). Which when you write it down is actually ridiculous. You're still the same person!

I'm struggling with the holidays at the moment, having them all at home means lots of bickering, and constant demands on me. My DH is awesome and helps out and gives me child free breaks here and there as he understands the kids are hard work, but this usually triggers a binge, because I'm left to my own devices, and my own head gets the better of me.

I've just got hold of a copy of the Fairburn book, but had also been recommended this website, from a quick glance the steps to recovery seem pretty similar. This is the 1st part

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=48

This is the second part

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=49

Great big pat on the back for all our baby steps in the right direction. It's all we can aim for. Like Margo and Bonnie say, it's a continual process. I'm definitely all over the place flitting from mentally positive and strong, to not.

Those links are really interesting chance will save them into my phone to look back on.

Know what you mean about the holidays, I'm loving not being at work and being more relaxed with my little ones but with that brings less structure with food and it's definitely having an effect.

Definitely small steps is the way forward.

Morning all and hi Bonnie and Chance. Totally relate to the school holiday thing, I have two young DDs and my patience is severely tested by the end of the week!

No calorie counting is still making me a feel a little anxious or at the least takes up way too much space in my thoughts but is ultimately better so I'm going to keep on doing it.

Had a weekend in Paris with my family so while that was tricky I had to just get on with it. Got to run once which was lovely along the Seine.

Also totally get the event thing. If I judged other people as harshly as I judge myself, I'd be a terrible friend. As it is, the only person who fails I'm my eyes is me everyone else is just fine!

Also wanted to ask if anyone else has read 'Fat is a Feminist Issue' and Orbach's other book 'Food' and what you made of them.

Well done new on continuing to shun calorie counting - that's brilliant and as time goes on you'll start to feel less anxious.

The weekend in Paris sounds lovely!

I've only read Orbach's 'on eating' and it was quite good. I have 'fat is a feminist issue' on my kindle so might have a read at lunch time. Do you rate it?

A new day for me and I'm focussing on 3 meals and 3 snacks and not restricting in any way.

I hear you on the weight. I too am too big but I figured it was worth giving a new approach a go. Afterall, the years of dieting have only resulted in me getting bigger.

I think the reality is, we need to understand our emotions & our relationship with food before we can move forward.

Pls try to be kind to yourself. I know it is hard, but it is difficult to change from a place of hate.

Bonnie sorry to hear the wedding is creating anxiety etc.

It is so sad, how much time we have spent thinking about "When I am xxxx".

Glad you have access to counselling. Having an outlet is so important. I think 'eating down the feelings' is a common theme for many of us on here. Better out than in or eaten.

Chance can you identify what triggers a binge when your DH gives you a break? I know I feel guilty if I have time off, I expect myself to be Mary Poppins! But also access (ie food & nobody about) can lead to a binge. It feels like letting off steam.

New Paris sounds lovely!

Susie O books, I keep meaning to add them to the groaning self-help/non-fiction collection but haven't. Have you read them?

I have a personal theory that women entering the work place from the 60s onwards & often DH's not taking on 50% of the family stuff (esp) the thinking/planning + marketing/advertising developing has created a v stressful world for women in the West. I think there is also an undercurrent of misogyny to lots of the messsages 'we' are sent.

It feels like there are so many expectations on us - wife, mother, worker, daughter, sister, friend etc. I seem to notice -not that it should matter - there are more o/weight women than men. I just wonder if it is all linked. Sorry if this is off topic!

Been lurking here for while... But thought it's time to at least try at sort myself out now. First thing done is I have just downloaded the the kindle edition of the book advised. Off to bed now to start reading plus have a read through the threads too.

Today's been shocking and I've just had enough of being out of control.
It's ruining my life since being a child.

I've just turned 28 and for the last 5 years I've sworn to myself to be at a target weight and in control for my 30's.

I don't want to start trying 3 month before my 30th birthday

Are there any rules here like not been able to post what we've eaten ? Anything triggering I should Be aware of?

I'm so glad this thread is here and the book too. Feeling this is my last hope I'm so unhealthy ...

Hello eating, nice to have you join in. Hopefully you've seen if you're following the thread that you're definitely not alone. I always think that getting help is a huge first step, because I'm sure we all floundered for a while before we realised what we were going through, let alone being able to give it a name and then find other people who were also experiencing it - all that in itself is such progress.

I think speaking to a GP is also a good thing to do, alongside all the recommended reading on here. Do you feel able to do that at the moment?

And when you're ready, please do share your story with us - I always learn something from hearing about the patterns that people have observed. There are no particular rules I don't think - I'd say try to avoid numbers - e.g. talking about specific weights if you can, and definitely no pro-diet chat! Otherwise, share away!

Hello eating. I am I a foul mood tonight after a hard day and trying my hardest to avoid emotional eating. DH will be back from work late so I am in the house by myself. eeeek! I think because I am constantly bombarded with stress all day long from all angles, as soon as I'm by myself it's like a release... To eat in peace, not be constantly questioned what I'm doing, do what I want because I can and therefore I will, with a sort of petulant feeling.

I think Margo has some good points about expectations of a woman in the last 50 years, and that's made even worse by media and social media in the last 10 years. And a lot of it is subliminal, as well as the obvious stuff. I've stopped buying trashy magazines and more recently healthy magazines because I feel like neither are real life and really both are as bad as each other.

Hi and thankyou . Yeah to be honest I mentioned it a while back to my GP and she referred me to a health trainer who I never rung.

I've been going to slimming world for about 3 years and I don't know why as I never stick to it it's ridiculous. Then I've started taking orlistat and again there's no point as I eat the fattiest foods so I'm abusing them really :-/

Then I can't take the kids anywhere because of the side effects.
I've basically been like this my whole life as long as I remember. My earliest memory's are of me and my mum and sister getting a Chinese to share. Special chow mein , special fried rice. Between 1 adult and 2 DC this should have been enough but I would litterally stare and wait hoping someone would waste theirs! This was from maybe 4-5 years old.

When we were older and we used to order a curry I would kick off and nag that I would have a curry to myself and always had to have rice AND chips to myself. I would devour the lot!

Kids would go get sweets from the shop when we were playing out and I would go get a huge bag of chips from the chip shop.

At scout camp we once learnt to cook meatballs from scratch over the fire. I can remember sneaking about 10 of them even though they were still raw inside.

Once I moved into my own house agate I had my DC young it's all I would spend my money on. Kebab meat and chips every night often paying by cheque because I had run out of money!!!
I can't share food I must have my own meal and order extra too. I don't care how much it costs but I usually end up having up to 5 takeaways a week on a bad week. Huge portions and very expensive.

Although I'm not hugely overweight and never have been I'm now about 2 stone over my healthy weight.

I need to stop my life revolves around food mainly takeaways. Even if I cook then I make huge portions.

I've started reading the book I bought and luckily finding it really interesting so I'm hoping it helps .

I've tried changing my thought process myself by really sitting and thinking about what on earth it is that triggers me. I've likened the feelings and cravings to hard drugs.... That now matter what you tell yourself your mind plays tricks on you and makes you do it! Even if I'm skint it kind of makes me order food. Then you get that high at the start of eating but then tell myself il never do it again afterwards. It's so so addictive

Chance can you try to write down your feelings? Or to examine them? A previous poster (an eating psychology coach), sleep talked about trying to be curious about why we are overeating, which maybe feels a bit kinder than just thinking "Why I am overeating/I am bad etc". It is giving us something, we aren't 'just' doing it....

Difficult when the default is to eat for a release, I know, but I think it helps to try to work out why you are reaching for the food.

Oh eats that all sounds very difficult. I can feel the pain in your post. I cook big portions too. Have you been following Hugh Fearnley Whittingstall's programmes about waste. My mum said he suggests weigh pasta etc to avoid waste. I am a bit concerned about that being similar to diet behaviour, but I also know we end up chucking food away or freezing it and then chucking it away.

What do you think getting a take away gives you? Is is a treat? Or is it that you know it will be enough food? Does it remind of your childhood? I think SW in the background isn't helping, as it is reminding you to restrict etc.

Can you go back to the Dr? A trainer isn't really the answer. I know some Dr's aren't great if you don't have a high enough BMI. Beat has been campaigning around that this week www.b-eat.co.uk/latest/5355

I wore too tight jeans last night which made for a unpleasant undertone to my evening. It was amazing what a negative impact it had on my feelings and body image during the evening. I had worn a dress during the day and felt good, should have kept that on!

Have a day with the kids today. Hope you all have a good Friday.

Hi everyone. I've caught up on the thread after my holiday. WiFi was a bit sporadic so posting wasn't possible.

As always its lovely to see new posters feel comfortable to join after following the thread. I always think of giving you all a (un-MN) hug when you feel ready to take that step, I think we can all remember that initial worry when we started posting too.

There are so many points that resonate with me but the women's expectations is really something I agree with. The demands placed upon us are ridiculous but we're all part of a growing movement to step up and say 'No More!'. It feels quite empowering I think (on good days).

My holiday was an unexpected positive one. We were visiting DM & SDF but stayed in our own apartment. This helped and we had no negative times at all in two weeks.

It was so hot I had no choice to wear as little as possible. But I was ok with that, I couldn't magically be smaller so accepted comfort was my priority and went for 'I don't care about anyone else's'. I was conscious but not too much, which I think gave me confidence in my self, like I had taken control rather than the anxiety. Amazing how much debating we can have with our own head at times but we can over rule that negative voice eventually.

Fitting in the plane seat was a squash and the belt was at max extension, which I really worried about. It took a few days to not panic about gaining weight and not fitting on the flight back. But I chose to go for balance rather than old habits.... and it was fine. Again that made me proud of myself, I made the choices and actually felt the benefits of eating 3+3 with the odd extra. It made me want to keep that feeling of fueling my body going when I got back. My new mantra: I don't want to be a version of someone else, I don't even want to be thin anymore...I want to be a stronger version of me.

I'm still a little surprised that a holiday could be such a positive experience. I suppose I actively made decisions to help my self and it worked. Back home I'm exercising again but small steps as its for movement not panic of size. I know that anything else will be a negative circle, so no time limits or goals just positive actions and see what happens.

Oh and I was accepted onto the Weight Management Programme! No news to share yet as it doesn't start properly for few weeks. Will keep you posted though.x

Oh fighting what a fab update! So pleased that your hols with DM were good.

Sounds like you managed it all really well. Well done.

I cannot deal with excercise goals either. I am just trying to do "more".

Have the new Davina DVD (or rather new at xmas) and I like it. The workouts are only 30 mins, so can fit in, in the am before I get ready. I hate having to shower again in the day - it seems a waste of time!!

Ordered some nice trousers from Yours. 2 pair has a hole in and the other has some dye missing. Cheap tat!!!

And "stronger version of you" sounds v positive too.

There is an 'old and fat' MN thread at the mo and it so sad how the media being full of lithe young (mainly white) photoshopped things makes 'us' feel bad as it presents one v limited version of beauty.

I watch a lot of foreign (outside Uk) crime dramas and it is heartening to see lots of 'normal' looking older women in them.

How is everyone else doing?

Welcome back Fighting, glad you're in such a good place, long may it continue! Lots to learn from in your post - I'm off on (short) hols this week, and will try my best to limit comparisons too. And the programme sounds interesting, what will it involve?

Margo I saw the thread you mentioned, it made me a bit sad. Lots of people out there with such low self-esteem... I definitely think that feeling confident makes other people respond to you in a different way, which is entirely separate to how you look. I've noticed that on days when I've made a conscious effort to be positive, good things happen! It's self-fulfilling, but many (again, especially women) get worn down by years of negative feedback. It's one of those things that sometimes makes me a tiny bit relieved that I don't have daughters, as I would so want to shield them from all this negativity and judgment. What a responsibility! Not that boys escape it altogether though, I think body image is perhaps becoming more of an issue for younger men too...

How is everyone else doing? Sticking to 3+3?

I had a run of good days, and then a few less good, but I'm still aiming to keep to a rough routine, and eat enough. I had a big sporty event a couple of weeks ago, and in the run-up to it I was able to stick to the routine effortlessly. It became slightly harder afterwards, but I can certainly see an improvement versus where I was this time last year, in every sense.

I'm taking some medication which is making me really tired, and giving me an involuntary eye twitch!!, so I've been trying to get lots more sleep. The Olympics haven't helped though, I stayed up for the opening ceremony, and then for the gymnastics last night - what drama!

Maggie, I hope your trip is a positive one for you too.

We have had lots of family gatherings and with that a change in routine. So far I have been trying to be relaxed and just enjoy the time. Its still a little nerve racking filling a plate in front of people but I try to think, no one cares about what I'm eating but me.

I did find myself getting a bit anxious with so many people and the usual size worries. I took myself off with the dog for a long walk in the country and found it a lot easier to cope with when I got back. I think routine is important for me to keep on track and old habits at bay. Having the house less cluttered is doing a lot for me too.

How are school holidays going for others? I was ready to run away yesterday morning with stress but funnily enough I think I will be bored when they go back .

Placemarking to read the thread properly later. But I am a binge eater, who is looking to stop. I gave up booze 20 years ago, but have increasingly let the food bingeing get on top of me. I know I eat for a variety of reasons, emotional etc, but I think that the main thing I need to start to address is my stupid approach to food throughout the day. I went sugar free for a year, and did well on it. But I can't seem to just do 'normal'.

I know how you feel fighting. I was worried about eating a piece of fruit on the tube earlier, but managed to remind myself that not eating leads to binging, so that is better than giving into worries about people's perception.

How is everyone doing?

Had a great weekend away camping with friends. Was interesting to see my slim friend's approach to eating. I would describe her a foodie. She made a real 'meal' (excuse the pun) of making her meal - so a bacon sarnie was turned into a BLT - and really enjoyed it. She was good at ensuring balance in the kids meals too. Very inspiring.

It has made DH and I think about our approach to food. We have let breakfast times slide into everyone shovelling food in quickly. So we are trying to eat a bit earlier together without the TV.

Welcome not hope you find the thread helpful and that you want to share when ready.