Binge Eating Disorder Support 4

[IronMaggie]

Hello, and welcome to our 4th(!) support thread for those affected by Binge Eating Disorder (BED) & disordered eating.

Our manifesto - we recognise that diets are absolutely not the answer, and that overcoming food restriction can help us to have a healthier relationship with food, and with ourselves.

So join us. Share your story. Or lurk quietly in the shadows. Either way, most people feel relieved to find others who know what they're going through.

For some background reading, here are the first 3 threads:-
Thread 1 March 2014
Thread 2 October 2014
Thread 3 April 2015

Here are a few resources to kick off your recovery journey:

• Overcoming Binge Eating - the 'bible'; used by many Eating Disorder services' treatment programmes, this is a good place to start.
• Brain over Binge - an alternative view; the scientific approach to understanding and stopping binge urges.
• Women Food and God - an interesting look at why we overeat that resonates with many.
• Some of us also follow the blogs of coaches within the ED / body image online communities - Isabel Foxen Duke and Summer Inannen are just a couple of examples, full list of online resources to follow shortly...

Please bear in mind that most of the contributors to this thread are eating disorder sufferers and not professionals. As with any online forum, it is best to supplement support on here with real-life support and advice from professionals.

Interesting thoughts fighting & maggie. Thanks.

My mind is full of shoulds from when I get up. I have a large list of things that it is unlikely I'll manage to achieve.

I think a lot of mine is internally driven - I am not good enough, but if I do x, y & z it will show I am a better person. I think.

I need to be much more realistic and focus on what I have done. It is so hard though, the constant negative voice going on and on.....

Interesting you also have a positive external persona fighting. With myself I think of the Foo Fighters (I think) song 'Best of you' and think that is like the external world gets the happy best version of me whilst the real me is upset, miserable etc.

How is everyone doing? Imra Bonnie Teressa Jass fighting maggie

Had a better few days here. I watched a video from a woman who runs a PR biz about productivity.

It helped me in a couple of ways, one thing she talked about was working in a way that works for her. Not rocket science I know, but today I worked in timed 45 min sessions and then had a break. It felt like a more managable day, as I really focused on the essential things instead of my giant to-do list.

She also talked about planning and protecting her time. So this am I proactively decided what I was going to do, as opposed to thinking about all the I shoulds be doing.

So even though I didn't get up at 6am nor go for a run, I did eat breakfast and then went swimming.

Thinking of you all.

Hi Margo, the video seems to have had a really great impact. Swimming and eating breakfast is definitely a good day! Did you feel any difference?

I am with you on the Foo Fighters song! I try to be nice and see the best in people, getting myself burnt many times in the process. I counsel a lot of friends and yet berate myself. Probably not as much as I used to but its still needs work!

Today I got our busted old washing machines picked up for scrap, cleaned the garage door and removed the weeds. It was a little abandoned down there but looks tidy now. I wish I could be satisfied with that but my head wants to get on with clearing out the inside. I'm sore as due on and tired from a hectic day / week yet the thing that's stopped me was an approaching storm🤔.

I don't seem to have an off switch, I thrive on getting jobs done (when depression is at bay) but keep going to an extent that I become exhausted. I'd love to change that but ATM I'm think the same as you Margo, my head seems to work on the basis 'it makes me a better person'. I can achieve a whole list of tasks in any situation and perhaps make one error or miss one task and I feel like I failed and the guilt is quite bad.

How is everyone else doing this week? Think of you too.x

Oh fighting I am so with you on having done x, y & z focusing and a & b that weren't finished. I would be just like you were in your eg!

I feel that lots of people try do to the least they can get away with, yet I (and maybe you/others) do as much as we possibly can. We need some middle ground!

Week has been ok. I had a day of feeling amazing yesterday, haven't had that for some time. I think the new way of working helped a lot.

DH and I also had words over me getting upset about something and not sharing my upset. So I have made more of an effort to talk (which I do a lot!) this week and share and I think that has helped.

Unfortunately I binged today. I just needed to go to bed and didn't. I need to give myself permission to do that. I have earnt it over the past 6 months of working all hours.

I think I also tend to stay up later towards the weekend. I guess in my head the weekend is time to relax but as those of us with little kids no, there isn't really any relaxing! It is almost like I need to go to bed earlier towards the end of the week. I sat up last night watching the news about that poor MP in disbelief. :(

Anyway, have tried to move on from the binge have eaten regularly since.

Need to try to get back into an exercise routine, planning is key. Will try that for this coming week. My gym has been sold to another chain, so hoping they'll still do Pump!

How is everyone?

Hi everyone - hope you had good weekends?

Margo - I can hear lots of positives in your post. Love the sound of timed work sessions, will definitely be stealing that! And it's great that your DH is so supportive, and wants to share your burden. Yes yes to taking some time off! Can you have a gentle week where you only work in the mornings and do things for yourself the rest of the day? Or just down tools for a day a week or something?

I also wonder whether you have a sense of where your drive to excel comes from?

For me, I suspect that it doesn't help that I spent my formative years in a very competitive environment (girls' boarding school, for my sins) and I think I still haven't recovered from the constant comparison and judgement. I do think I've got much better with my perfectionism recently, partly thanks to this thread (and by being stricter about what social media I consume - that's a danger area for me!) But being aware of it is a good place to start...

Are there any areas of your life where you can experiment with lowering your standards a bit, or just plain not doing some things? Or perhaps delegating worrying about some things to your DH, as it sounds like he's willing to take more on?

Food-wise I've had an ok week, eating regular balanced meals. I'm still concentrating on eating much larger portions, especially after having had a wobble a little while ago. If I'm completely honest with myself, I can see that I had been slipping back into restrictive patterns as a way of recovering from binges faster, which is clearly unhelpful in the long term.

One of the things I've found helpful is preparing filling meals in advance - I spent a couple of hours the other day making lots of meals for the freezer, so I don't need to think too much about portion sizes. I haven't done any late-evening grazing recently so I think it's working.

Bonnie, Teresa, Irma, are you still with us? Hope everyone's doing well and feeling positive about the week ahead...

Thanks Maggie. I think with time off I need to proactively plan for it, currently I just end faffing, sleeping and feeling guilty. Instead of embracing and enjoying it.

Drive to excel is from uninterested DF I think. So constantly try to be 'good enough'. I also wonder if my competitive sport (as a child) played a part. I don't recall it being stressful but maybe I have blocked it out.

Gosh girls boarding school - bet it wasn't like Mallory Towers.....?

Sounds like you are doing ok with the food. Planning/cooking ahead sounds good.

And well done for working out ways to lesson the perfectionism.

It is so hard. I ended up not going swimming today, as I wouldn't go in my old costume. I wanted to collect my new ones via click & collect but there wasn't really time to do that and go swimming. Silly as I swam in it last week not realising how seethrough the bottom seem had become and I doubt the other swimmers would notice or care!! But I have a view of what needed to happen today and because I couldn't do it, I missed out.

How is everyone doing?

seam not seem....

Hello everyone.

A long time ago and under a different name I was a regular and received a lot of help from you. I'm still as bad as ever and am getting serious about stopping... again.

I have changed job and they have a lot of cakes about. I find myself eating the majority and I know people have started making comments. I only stopped yesterday because as I was eating the last half of a cupcake (I think it was my 4th and after 2 doughnuts along with a double breakfast and a lunch) I had to stop chewing and pause because I had filled myself so much that I couldn't physically swallow it and was almost sick.

At least once a day I eat when not hungry just because I have the idea of eating in my head and I like to eat. I can't stop once I've started.

I am hoping tomorrow is my fresh start. A clean, guilt free slate. I was trying to diet but this emphasises my food thoughts. I will simply try to eat lime a normal person does.

I hope I'm welcome but I know you're all lovely and I hope I can help other people as well as being helped

Hi, I'm new here. I've been trying to convince myself for a while that I'm fine...but I'm not. I'm really struggling and I've found a whole lot of relief here just seeing that what I'm going through isn't my fault and that there are other people who know how I feel. So I just wanted to say thank you for sharing as I've been feeling very alone. X

Welcome back Whim. intrigued to know who you were!!

It sounds like (in my non-professional view!) that restricting could be leading to the binging. I know that feeling of 'I must not eat x, y & z'.

Could you approach today with 'I will give myself permissson to eat?' and see what it is like?

I know the start of my recovery was accepting myself as I am now and trying to suspend weight loss thoughts. And being kind. It is v difficult as you (if you are like me) have had years of thoughts & media messages that 'dieting is the answer'. But I don't think it is for 'us'.

Are you read Fairburn? Lots of us on here have found it useful.

Welcome Fairy. You are not alone, glad you have found comfort in our postings. I didn't realise my behaviour wasn't normal until my mid twenties and I have only started addressing it, in the past few years aged nearly 40.

I felt like a failure that I couldn't stick to a diet. Whereas actually we have an illness.

Do keep posting.

Yes I'm nearly 23 and I suppose it's been an issue since my early teens but it's come to a head now and it's worse than ever. I was always bullied for being big - now I realise that I was considerably taller than all my classmates and I probably DID seem big. My dad - eight years estranged funnily enough - put me on a diet aged 12 when I was about 6lbs overweight. Right around puberty. The sensible thing would have been to change everyone's habits or for the sake of 6lbs make us all go for bike rides or something. But no...and that was the start of it really. Either I was on some diet or other...or I really wasn't. I'd get to this healthy weight and be delighted but then I'd go a bit mad by eating everything because I was allowed to. I'd repeat every six months or so and relapse everytime and then feel horribly guilty. It's worse this time though: I can't stop doing it. I joined Slimming World last year because I was fed up of my weight and I lost almost 3.5st. I looked great and felt good but my relationship with food was worse than ever - I'd binge on weigh day and then sort of starve myself the rest of the week to get a loss. And I'd obsess constantly about food - good food and bad food, can't eat that, wouldn't drink that. My consultant didn't really help in that respect as she saw me as a huge success story so whenever I fluctuated by half a pound she'd act very disappointed in me and make a big deal out of it. So I stopped eating and drinking the day before weigh day. I got to target. Chilled out a bit, didn't binge as much but still starved myself the night before I weighed. Maintained my weight. Then came christmas and I put on 3lb. I didn't dare go back to group. So it spiralled. I felt guilty and sad and the more guilty and sad I felt the worse things got. It's about six months since I last went to group but I've regained all the weight I lost. I'm unhappy with my body but can't stop somehow. It hit me a few weeks ago that it was a problem as I'm so secretive about it. I recently moved in with my partner and I won't do it if he's here. I feel horrible keeping it from him and I know he'd support me but I've been feeling very lost and ashamed. Thank you all again, as I said it's such a relief to find I'm not alone x

Hello Whimsical - hope you're having a better day today? It's great that you've seen that dieting and restrictive thinking is unhelpful. It's so deeply ingrained in us that we should all be trying to eat less, it's really difficult to shake off. Aiming for 3 meals and 2-3 snacks per day is a really good place to start.

And Fairy what a shame that it was a family member that started you off on that cycle, and so young too. The situation you've described seems almost guaranteed to cause disordered eating. But you're definitely not alone, unfortunately. How do you think you would feel about trying to eat more / more regularly, even just in the short term?

Fairy I can resonate with a lot of your experience. I look back at pics of me and realise that whilst I was big, I was v overweight. I don't recall being told to diet, but I know my DM talks in very negative terms about herself & dieting etc, so maybe it was learnt rather than said.

I also recall with horror my time at WW and feeling I had to get smaller for a long list of ppl including the leader & the other members. Such a lot of pressure.

There is one small good thing though, if you are able to address it now, you won't have 20/30/40+ years of behaviour to overcome. I appreciate that probably feels like little comfort now. If you do one thing, my own suggestion would be to order the Fairburn book.

Not that this has gone well this week (see my 3am posting, whilst up with the kids as the storm was so loud) but sleep is so important. This is a women's mag article but it reminds us all why sleep is good. I really do see in myself it can be linked to binging.

I think there is a common theme on these threads - we all stay up trying to do more/be better, but actually sleep would be better for us.

Iron - yes I'm trying to eat more regularly - actual meals rather than snacks so as to avoid bingeing later. I've had two proper meals today rather than sweets and biscuits etc. Feeling a lot more positive now I've actually got this out in the open.

Margo- yes sleep is a huge issue for me, things are worse for me when I'm working on nights etc. I struggle to sleep quite often and it does seem to impact on my mood and how I react to situations and then obviously that usually causes a binge.

Oh fairy that sounds so sad but the silver lining is that you realise your issues were caused by someone elses actions and what would have been sensible. I think that's great.

I wasn't really overweight before. I have twice got rather large. Once at 16 when I had what I call my first cycle and now for the last bloody 6 years. I have always had an unhealthy relationship with food. As a child I'd put food in my pocket and flush it away. I rarely wanted to eat and was so skinny that my parents put pressure on me to eat which ma d e me feel sick and meant I couldn't bear to eat. Then on a Saturday morning when they slept, I'd nip down stairs and binge. At 15/16, I would eat four chocolate bars and a packet of crispa on the walk home from the bus stop. Then my tea along with earlier meals. It was my secret pleasure. Then I'd have more secret pleasures. I lost the weight and kicked my habit. This was replaced with long walks and not eating.

About 6 years ago I got comfortable with myself and no longer felt too anxious to eat or the need to binge but ate a lot... a he'll of a lot but no binges. I put on 13kg. I started trying to diet but then came the binges after starving myself. Then came the secretly eating to avoid the looks of disgust from my partner.

Once I pop, I can't stop.

Today has been really good. The things I've eaten that I shouldn't are 4 biscuits at lunch and then just before bed, a peanut butter sandwich, a packet of strawberry pencils and bowl of cereal. I nearly went for a second bowl but told myself no. That's a big step. Normally I talk myself round.

As for beforw I had many names so I can't even remember myself. Haha. Maybe Tallulah Twinkletoes.

Whimsical - I also got quite comfortable, without any binges when I first moved in with my partner at the end of March. I also put on a fair chunk of weight quite fast from being relaxed and entertaining quite a lot I suppose. I then tried to lose a bit of what I'd put on and that's what's started this cycle I suppose. Yesterday was a good day for me also. I had three meals - they weren't all exceptionally nutritious nutritious or healthy or "good" but I rarely eat three meals - and I had a hot chocolate and a small bar of chocolate with my partner before bed. I also plucked up the courage to tell my partner what I told you all. He was very supportive and asked me what he could do for me - I simply asked that on my bad days I'd just need a hug and love and no judgement. I suppose I don't really know what I need but it seems logical that he won't be able to do much else.

Oh Fairy - what a big step telling your DP - well done. And great he was supportive. I think you are right, all he can do is just listen and not judge.

Whimiscal - could you perhaps have needed the food you felt you shouldn't eat? Fairburn talks about ppl with disordered eating not really understanding real hunger or ques.

Wow sounds like you've got a good one there, fairy! Such a brave step and I'm glad he listened. I told my dp and he said its human nature to over eat. I'm making something out of nothing. I left it at that. I have his support with healthy eating. I don't want or need him to know the extent of it.

I don't need any of the extra food. Quite often (well every time) I sit and look at whatever it is and ask myself if I'm hungry, if I need a particular nutrient that is in it, if I even want it and always the out come is "well I've said I can have it and now I can't stop thinking until I've eaten it"

Today I had a big breakfast. 2 slices of peanut butter on toast and 2 with jam. Wasn't hungry for the jam ones. But had allocated it. So allowed it. Snacked on strawberry fizzy laces, big packet of parma violets. Then cheesy chips and beans for lunch at the pub then tea has been two peanut butter sandwiches. I was meant to eat dps healthy chicken he cooked but it's in the fridge as not hungry. It's taking me a bit of will power to not eat a bowl of cereal smothered in sugar. Odd how the brain works. I need to read that book. Should help.

Fairy, congratulations on having chosen such a supportive DP . It sounds like he'll be a huge help, practical or otherwise. Three square meals is good, and you could also add some snacks in in-between, if you feel like that would help. Eating every 3-4 hours is what's generally recommended, to avoid any periods of extreme hunger.

And same to Whimsical, I think giving yourself permission to eat is a great first step. You could also think about the makeup of the meals - if you're able to find a balance of carbohydrate, healthy fat and protein for most meals, you might find you feel more satisfied with what you've had. Adding in DP's chicken might be a good option!

Hope everyone had a good week? DP was away for a week-long work jolly in the sun (not !) so I had a tricky week with work, a sick toddler and little sleep - it was a relief to not have to worry about eating on top of all that. Planning meals ahead is definitely something I'd recommend.

Margo I know some people must do well with it, but WW sounds to me like it would be the worst experience ever! As if there wasn't enough pressure around... Does everyone see how much you weigh / have lost?

Hi all, really sorry for past bad experiences. I hope you can turn it around and recoginse how good it is to be free from dieting.
A few thoughts I get from reading what people eat is that is very little these thongs which actually give nutrients we need - think raw carrots, tomatoes, slices of navette, oven veg etc. I found it easier if I forced myself to really eat the things we need, and then aloowed to eat whatever I wanted. I think this way I was able to turn the whole thinking "must not eat" into rather "must eat". That started the change...

I tend to assume that people know they should be getting at least their "5 a day" portions of fruits and vegetables, but might not be able to for some reason. Also conscious it's hard to make lots of changes at once. I agree though jass, I suspect that once out of the binge-restrict cycle and eating more intuitively, our bodies start craving the things we need. Clever thing, the human body!

Whimsical, have you spoken to your GP at all? It might be good for you to get more formal support, and depending on the area you live in there are some really great services available for BED sufferers. One of the things that might be particularly helpful as well as talking through it, is having access to a nutritionist / dietitian.

After several years of disordered eating we can end up with a warped idea of what normal healthy eating looks like, and it might help to work with someone to reset that.

I think I am on to a good thing there bless him! To be honest I don't know why I expected differently - he was my rock when I was diagnosed as a T1 diabetic when we'd only been together 6 months.

Maggie - I'm trying that , and the not getting hungry does seem to make the world of difference. I'm very much trying to balance myself a bit better without obsessing too much about what I'm eating. It's hard but I'm trying. One step at a time! Also re. WW: I did SW; people didn't know how much you weighed but everyone got told how much you'd lost or gained. It was humiliating to sit there and have someone ask "why" you put on a lb...when AF was due, or you'd had a drink at a bbq or dessert last night. It DID really "help" me to lose weight but my mental health suffered greatly. I avoided socialising - more than usual - to avoid eating or drinking just so I wouldn't get picked on in group!

How was everyone's weekend? Mine was uneventful but we stayed up til 5.30 discussing Brexit. It was quite infuriating as my guest clearly had no knowledge of facts but a very strong 'get the immigrants out' stance. I was proud of hoe I challenged him but it went over his head. Luckily, we can accept each others differences so no hard feelings and he said he enjoyed learning new things. Dp ordered 18 inches of pizza. I had two slices. Loved it.

I have mentioned it to the gp briefly. I was given a printed a4 page about what a balanced meal looks like. Told to try that out for a while and that's it. I have a nurses appt on 28th. I'll mention it.

Does dp go away often Maggie? It can be hard can't it