Binge Eating Disorder Support 4

[IronMaggie]

Hello, and welcome to our 4th(!) support thread for those affected by Binge Eating Disorder (BED) & disordered eating.

Our manifesto - we recognise that diets are absolutely not the answer, and that overcoming food restriction can help us to have a healthier relationship with food, and with ourselves.

So join us. Share your story. Or lurk quietly in the shadows. Either way, most people feel relieved to find others who know what they're going through.

For some background reading, here are the first 3 threads:-
Thread 1 March 2014
Thread 2 October 2014
Thread 3 April 2015

Here are a few resources to kick off your recovery journey:

• Overcoming Binge Eating - the 'bible'; used by many Eating Disorder services' treatment programmes, this is a good place to start.
• Brain over Binge - an alternative view; the scientific approach to understanding and stopping binge urges.
• Women Food and God - an interesting look at why we overeat that resonates with many.
• Some of us also follow the blogs of coaches within the ED / body image online communities - Isabel Foxen Duke and Summer Inannen are just a couple of examples, full list of online resources to follow shortly...

Please bear in mind that most of the contributors to this thread are eating disorder sufferers and not professionals. As with any online forum, it is best to supplement support on here with real-life support and advice from professionals.

Bursar I really feel for you. As Maggie says maybe an infertility professional might be able to help in regards to an ED and treatment. When will you know for sure? Have everything crossed for you.

Great post Maggie. I agree with dumping the 'diet mentality' social feeds & mags. Think I might have said on previous threads but my ED group they asked us to remove any articles or adverts from some womens' mags which suggested we aren't good enough as we are (weight and all the other elements of being a woman) and as you can imagine there wasn't much left of the magazines. I think at their heart they are anti-women too. :(

My weight has seemed to stabilised a bit during a 'party period' (a milestone bday) and mainly eating 3 + 3. Obviously I would like to go down, but staying the same feels ok too.

New could you try not restricting or restraining for a week and see what happens if you are willing to get on the scales. Weighing isn't for everyone I know but the ED service made us do it to try to provide we aren't going to inflate 10 dress sizes in a week despite all our fears.

Had a miserable day yesterday. It didn't start well as I didn't run as planned and then didn't shower as intended to run later and didn't.

I know that when I feel like this I need to do positive things for myself to help, but that is the last thing I feel like. As it was by 9am I'd walked DD to nursery - my default is to rush in the car so I can start work - and she danced along to Frozen which was lovely and I reported rubbish that had been flytipped to a Councillor who got it removed and has the Council considering moving their CCTV to catch the people doing it.

Yet, despite these 'wins' a mix of disappointment at not doing what I'd planned (running), feeling tired & cold, feeling overwhelmed with work and some anxiety hanging on from having drunk more than I should at the weekend and wondering what I said etc left me feeling rubbish. So I went to bed for most of it. However, I didn't binge which is a big win.

Forced myself to the gym this am and did a couple of other things that felt like small achievements today and feel a bit better. The gym is for the endorphin for me, I feel better when I exercise.

I am not sure MFP is that much of a pal either. The computer generated messages about our weight, when we last logged in etc all feel a bit triggering sometimes.

How has everyone's week been? Those with school aged kids ready for the hols?

Thanks for all the kind messages and advice.

Unfortunately the rules about your weight are very black and white with NHS fertility treatments. You just can't go on with an IVF cycle unless your BMI is under a certain number. The clinic do know about my issues and all the staff and their counsellor are very kind, but they can't make exceptions. I lost a lot of weight by being very strict (with MFP!) before we had our first one (where we luckily got loads of embryos), but I've gained a lot of it back - unsurprisingly.

I've had a really rubbish few days, but I haven't binged or restricted. I've had normal meals and "unhealthy" treats, but not in hugely unhealthy amounts, I think. I think I've lost the ability to tell really.

I am so sorry you have had a rubbish set of days Bursars. Well done for keeping going so well in spite of it. I hope the weekend coming will be nicer.

Thank you Kind. I've had a better day today, and had counselling, which was good. I'm going to have a good long read at the old threads tomorrow, to see how you others have coped, for hints and experiences.

Good plan bursars. I'm going to do the same. Hope you have a relaxing weekend.

Bursars ans Newyear
In regard to the old threads it was SleepWhenIdie in particular who wrote with great knowledge and sympathy as an actual expert, so I hope you both find something from within what she said that might help you personally too.

That is good news about the counselling Bursars, someone just there for you to help you.

I hope everyone has a pleasant day

Thanks kind. I'm really just embarking on this recovery thing. I only admitted I had a problem two months ago, despite it going on for decades.

Thanks to all of you who continue to support and stay with this thread. It's literally life saving.

It is wonderful that you have started on your road to recovery Newyear.

Glad you have access to counselling Bursar. Can imagine the NHS rules are v black & white.

The ED service seemed frustrated at all the focus (elsewhere in the NHS) on BMI which doesn't tell the whole story.

It is really unfortunate that most of the focus on the 'obesity epidemic' focuses on food & exercise. So little attention is paid to mental issues - do the experts really think ppl are 'just' eating too much.

Had a good Friday yesterday as proactively decided not to work and to be with DD. That felt like a small step forward. I find Fridays difficult generally and it was ok as was food.

Going to try to have a nice w/end. The terrible things going on in the world is making it difficult though.

Hope you all have good weekends.

Sounds very positive that you took the day off to enjoy yourself and DD's company, Margo.

I ordered a copy for myself of Overcoming Binge Eating. The IVF seems to have failed, so it'll be good to have something unrelated to babies to focus on. After our last failed attempt I took up running with couch to 10k, and kept that up for a couple of months before my motivation fizzled out. I should probably revisit that.

I've been making progress with one aspect of eating. For years I was so ashamed that I hardly ever ate anywhere except at home. Especially eating in public seemed impossible. But we started slowly going out for coffees with DH, then having something to eat with it too, and then going out for the occasional meal. I started doing the same with a couple of friends. In the past few months I've started venturing into cafes alone sometimes, and have once even eaten a lunch out all by myself. It still makes me anxious, but I know I can do it.

It is very nice Bursars that you go out now to eat or have coffee. I think it is pleasant to get out a little either with someone, or alone, like you said, to have something to eat and drink. That is an important step for you I should imagine. I never used to think I could have the indulgence of something to eat but now if I am out shopping and get tired and hungry I make a point of going to sit down and having something. I hope you find the book helpful. I am sorry the IVF did not work out this time.

Its lovely you took time off yesterday Margot to be with your daughter, and I hope you had a pleasant day today as well and that it was sunny.

Oh Bursar I am so sorry. . What is next? Wasn't sure from your posts if you continue with the current embryos. Obv don't respond if you don't want to go into it.

I can understand a little about not eating in public. I have some issues with it. Becoming aware of what happens when I don't eat (a feeling of deprevation which then leads to binging) has helped me get more used to it. I even find myself talking to myself in my head "If you don't eat on this train - as an eg - you will probably end up binging as the next chance to.eat will be x hours time" etc.

Sounds like you are pushing the boundaries - well done. Any small step is worth celebrating. Despite the media msgs we all need to eat, even if we are bigger than we'd like to be.

A C25K sounds good, might help with the stress in yr life a little.

I cried in a resturant today which isn't ideal (!) but was a step forward for me. I am upset about something (my well planned summer childcare plans thrown off by another family, it cannot be helped, but worried about DS not being with mates) and I made myself share it with DH.

Often I will just sit with it until it knorrs away at me and I eat it. I just find it difficult to bring things up....anyone else empathise?

Err gnaw not knorrs!

Thank you Margo. We have three embryos left in the freezer, and we should be able to go ahead for a transfer with them in a few months' time, all being well. If that doesn't work we'll need to move to a new fresh cycle (we have one NHS funded left still), and it's before that that I'd need to lose some weight.

I'm not enjoying the hot weather. I'm too self-conscious to wear summery clothes, but at least I didn't wear a jacket today! Had a loose short sleaved shirt on that was fairly cooled and covered my upper arms and my bum. I know it doesn't make me look any less fat, but it feels less revealing.

I've decided to give the self help plan in Overcoming Binge Eating a go, so I'm keeping the recommended food diary. I did have a binge today, and writing down what I ate wasn't exactly fun. I managed by promising myself I don't have to show it to anyone!

I hope you're all managing to keep cool and enjoy the summer while it lasts.

Just reading earlier threads and came across this from sleepwhenidie. Absolutely spot on:

One key belief is that compulsions wrt food are not wrong, they are there to teach us something, to alert us to a need for change, not in the size of our jeans (whether big or small ) but elsewhere in life.

For me that's quite right. The change was to acknowledge how damaging a key relationship had been all through my life. So interesting to read about the psychology behind all this.

I can relate to that, too. I'm not entirely sure what all it's trying to tell me these days, though. The boredom of being childless and jobless and feeling quite purposeless in life in general?

I gave up grieving over last summer's clothes that are too small, and went out and bought some that actually fit.

Its good you have some embryos left Bursars; and it sounds a very positive direction for you that you are going to give Fairburn's self-help plan a go. Don't worry about that binge as will still be part of what you need to help you find your bearings. You may possibly just have been tired, hungry or stressed at the time.

It is good you found what SleepwhenIdie said there had a resonance with your own experience NewYear. When I was reading old posts in Fighting's Binge Eating Support threads, I thought she seemed remarkable, with a great deal of intuition and knowledge that would help a lot of people.

MrsMArgot I am sorry your summer child care plans have not worked out, that must be a blow. It is good you were able to cry and talk to your Dp about it not just let it gnaw at you, as you said. I hope something else will work out for you and your family.

Well done on buying well fitting clothes Bursar, it's an important part of taking care of yourself, I think. I put off buying bigger jeans for ages because I was torn between wanting to make myself comfortable and what I felt was 'giving up' on a smaller size. But I'm in a much better place now.

The weather at the moment has brought that up again, as any warm weather clothes I've bought in the past don't fit either. I'm rubbish at dressing for the heat anyway, as I don't really like to have any part of my body showing. I think I'd actually pass out if I tried to wear my trusty black opaques in this weather though
I have to be smart for work tomorrow so will have to think of something!

How are you finding keeping up your Fairburn diary? Even though I was the only one reading it I still found it difficult to be completely honest at first. Like if I didn't write it down it didn't happen!?

NewYear that's a really interesting way of thinking about it (Sleep was always good like that). In my more positive moments I think that in a funny way I'm grateful that my current struggles with eating are actually helping me get to a better place. It might not seem like it now but I know that I'll come through this as a better, stronger person. (Hope that makes sense, I never feel like I'm expressing things in the right way).

Sorry to hear about childcare woes Margo, glad you were able to share with DP though. Is there a solution in the works?

Bursar well done for dressing for coolness not for others. I know exactly how you feel though. Everywhere seems to be full of beautiful slender people dressed in very little!

Will they implant all 3 embryos at once? How do you find the injections etc? I know friends have found them difficult (whilst obviously acknowledging the pain should be worth it).

Hope Fairburn is going ok. As Maggie says the writing it all down is difficult but helpful.

New great re-share from sleep. Are you still contact with the person who you have a difficult with relationship with?

I think for me it's not sharing my true feelings that is the issue. I have the twin issues of not feeling good enough (so therefore not worth of sharing) and being scared of confrontation thanks to angry DF. You wouldn't know it though if you met me in RL, I seem very outgoing and bubbly ( clichéd 'jolly fat person' ).

I was thinking about my (recovered/in recovery) anorexic cousin this morning. Her DM & my DF (siblings) were the product of really strange parents with poor comms skills....and so the cycle continued...

Maggie hope you found something to wear? I would say though, people still wear black opaques even in the heat of summer in London. They seem to still be acceptable. Could you do trousers and a top? Or leggings and a dress, I somehow feel that is more summery.

I have given in and ordered some new bras. I only have a couple that fit properly. I was reluctant to get more as it meant getting measured. Sadly one broke (!) the other day, so it has forced me. I think I also have memories of smaller times when I had nice matching sets etc. But I feel miserable when I see the worn out bra I have been wearing for ages. I agree it is about self-care. Have done what I do with clothes, order loads and then keep the ones that fit.

Had an ok week with food.

I even had the thought this week that actually going on holiday is just me on holiday, ie it isn't something you need to prepare for/be different for. That feels a step forward.

Hope everyone is ok. What are your plans for the weekend?

Read this article about buying clothes that fit and thought of us.

www.buzzfeed.com/ariannarebolini/instead-of-losing-weight-i-just-lost-the-clothes-7vd

Margot I am but limited. We live a long way apart.
Haven't run this week so feeling pretty gross. It's just been too hot.

I loved that article though. What a cool move. I liked her style too. She definitely knows herself. Good on her.

Margo that article is so spot on! I've been putting off having a wardrobe clearout for ages. If I'm honest I know it's because I'm harbouring thoughts of being that size again once I'm recovered, even though rationally I do know that it would be completely inappropriate for my natural body shape.

Newyear I know what you mean about it being too hot to run. I've put off a couple this week because I just couldn't face the heat - just stretching is exhausting at high temperatures!

Margo it's great that you're able to recognise the cycle, enough to break it with your own DCs. I wonder if your DF even realises the extent of his impact on others?

And that's such a good point about holidays, but also weddings / Christmas / any life event - we're constantly being sold the idea that we need to reinvent ourselves because it makes someone (usually a man) somewhere more money in magazines or beauty products etc. Once you're surrounded by the idea you can't help but internalise it.

I felt so disappointed last year because, in the grips of BED, I hadn't got to a point where I felt comfortable wearing a swimming costume in public. I have pictures of DP and the DCs playing and splashing in the sea while I sit looking on. Tragic, now I think about it. I'm disappointed in myself for letting my self-esteem get so low. I can do better.

That's a good article Margo, good for you to order new bras. I get very frustrated trying to find fitting clothes when my weight is high (like now), because I'm short and apple-shaped, and struggle to find anything. Clothes that fit around my stomach and boobs are usually otherwise way too large for me, and anything that fits my legs, arms and shoulders is too tight round the middle. That said, I've been out today in clothes that don't fit quite right but feel comfortable.

I've had quite a few binges this week, but I've written them all down. Quite looking forward to introducing planned mealtimes and seeing how that works out for me next week.