Binge Eating Disorder Support

[FightingBed2014]

This is our second thread, helping each other through the ups and downs we experience with binge eating. The original thread can be found here
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/new_blog_posts/2029166-Eating-Disorder-Recovery

This is open to anyone, no mater how good or bad things are for you. We are all here for support and help to recover from our disordered eating. Talking about how we feel has been the first step to recovery for us. There is hope and life without it.

I blog about my recovery as I go through each new experience, if you want to have a read it's here

ellechapmanblog.wordpress.com

MrsMargoLeadbetter well done for telling a friend. I do feel it is healthy to admit if we have a problem with whatever. I am telling about one new person a week that I am going to OA, it's been about 4 weeks now so only 4 people know!

I did not know about the on line meetings, can you say more or PM, it sounds great.

I am also seeing my counsellor again and it is very helpful.

Good hope re test is OK.

Rosey I felt the same when I first posted a few weeks ago, do I belong here. But was assured I did! Which was good, to know I had a place to hand my hat! Not good to have disordered eating, I barely binge as such, but I definitely have disordered eating and a weird relationship with eating.

Hi Rosey. Do feel free to join us and post as much or as little as you want.

As others have said, we all share disordered eating of some kind. Whatever your experiences, your emotions are most definitely valid!

The first thread takes you from where we started. Even in the short time this second one has been going, you will probably have an idea of how we are all trying to progress. I hope you feel welcome.( If it were a room to walk into at any time you wanted, consider a chair with 'rosey' on it always available).

Margo the decision to 'come out' to your friend was very brave. I think that was a wonderful way to address the situation. I do hope it results in the RL support you need, I'm really proud of you.

Well done margo

And welcome rosey

First day went well. Lots of information to take in as I am training for a couple of weeks but the people seem nice. Some if the stuff I know as the training is geared to new people but the systems are a bit different so I am learning. And I didn't feel too fat and horrible in the new clingy shirts so that was good.

For those that remember the fall out with the hen friend. I sent her a wedding card despite her ignoring me for 3 months as it felt the right thing to do. I don't think she has got it yet but must have heard today about the new job as she sent a congratulations text - so although I don't think it will ever be the same we have at least been in contact so it won't be as awkward when we do bump into each other.

Thank you everyone :) . For being so kind and welcoming.

I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. I was always fat right from being a chubby child but became obese as a teenager. I'm 23 now and the biggest I have ever been. Far, far past the point I thought I would ever be 10 years ago. I always thought "oh no, I'll never get that large; I'll stop before then" and now it turns out I have indeed gotten that large.

My mother said my sister and I (we're twins) were always eating and wanting food as children; that she tried to get us to stop but we wouldn't. There were some difficult times growing up, a lot of pain and fear, and I guess eating was something that comforted me.

But I don't just eat when I'm sad/stressed, I eat when I'm happy to "celebrate" something, when I'm bored, when I'm tired/lonely/anxious, anytime. I will eat a healthy, lovely meal and then make an excuse to go out, drive 5 miles to the nearest shop and buy £10-20 worth of junk food and sit in my car and eat it, or bring it home and secretly get it up to my room without anyone seeing. I eat all my food in my room where the family can't see me and I hide the bags of rubbish and empty wrappers in the wardrobe or down the side of the couch until bin day when I take it outside while they're at work. Oh god I feel so disgusting typing that.

It's like a switch flips in my head. I write notes to myself the night before telling me to eat well, exercise, look after myself, and then in the morning the thought comes into my head telling me to buy food, and once it's there I can't get it out, all of my good intentions are gone and it's like I can't even think to myself "don't do this". And then as soon as I eat, sometimes before I've even finished the block of chocolate/bag of crisps/takeaway the switch flips back and I feel even worse.

The amount I eat has increased. Whereas before I would be satisfied with a bar of chocolate, I know eat a whole block :( , and I get quite ill afterwards as I'm a bit intolerant to lactose. Or I'll eat a whole pizza and sides and eat til I feel sick and full and struggle to breathe. I saw people like that on tv shows and said I could never become like that. But I have.

I look in the mirror and am abhorred. I have visions of taking a kitchen knife and slicing off the fat. I am hideous. I struggle to understand why my employers, people in shops, my friends are all nice and talk to me. How are they not sick at the sight of me? Being considered attractive by a man is so far from a possibility for me. How could my parents ever feel proud to have me as a daughter? As I type this I hear how ridiculous it sounds. I wouldn't say that about someone else. But it's like it's true for me.

I am so far from the person I wanted to be. I am in childcare and I look at these young girls who are slim and I think why was that not me, why did I not grow up like that. And I'm angry. Angry at myself for not being strong enough to take charge of this, angry at whatever had a part to play, angry again at myself for thinking anyone else is responsible but me, angry at the people who say I'm lazy when the amount of effort I go to in order to eat this food is anything but. I don't know what to do anymore. I

Good god, that is enormously long. I understand if no one reads it all! I'm sorry it's so long; I think it's the first time I've ever written it all down like that. Like I'm trying to make sense of it myself.

Rosey welcome . What you describe about your childhood makes me think this way - the 'pain and fear' you experienced, you were actually an amazing kid, you found a way of dealing with it all, of preventing yourself breaking down completely - by eating you found a way to gain some kind of control over your world, of numbing out from the pain. You weren't equipped to manage it in a 'grown up' way, why should you have been? You shouldn't be ashamed of that, you should be proud . The trouble is it seems to have snowballed into a habit of being unable to deal with any emotion, happy or sad. That's ok though, you can relearn . Try thinking of yourself as a little girl version of yourself that you have to look after...what do you feel about her? It might help to write everything down, whether here or just for yourself .

Rosey, what an amazing post, you are so brave.

I understand totally your mix of emotions: guilt, shame, anger etc etc.

I've tried slimming world and weight watchers before and now about to start OA. Have you ever tried any of the support groups?

A friend of mine told me about binge eating disorder which I had never heard of. She had had group therapy for it, referred by her GP, and said it was brilliant. Her relationship with food is so much better now. It's inspired me to seek more help for myself.

I've been doing a mindfulness course which is helping me a lot with my anxiety and therefore with some of the food issues. Can PM you more info about it if you like.

Hope you stay on the thread with us, will be inspiring to share the journey with you.

Today's food - so so!!
Breakfast - eggs, crispy bacon
Lunch - grainy bread, prawn salad, Mayo, bag of crisps, twirl
Tea - feta, spring onion, cucumber, quinoa, tomato, balsamic

Why 'soso' Goodas? You are very hard on yourself - what do you feel should have been different?

I shouldn't have eaten the crisps, bread or chocolate in my mind

Why did you eat (each of) them?

The sandwich/crisps because I wanted it (as in I wanted the taste of it, if that makes sense?)
I ate the crisps in the sandwich
The twirl because I was tired and wanted something sweet

Rosy thank you so much for sharing, you sound an amazing person. I suspect we all have times of hating ourselves and our bodies. I used to love looking at those pictures of before and after, imagining it was me! Then I started to notice something. The before photos were not always less attractive than the after photos. I think hating our bodies or ourselves as motivation for losing weight is very flawed, because who wants to work hard for someone they don't love. But loving ourselves, and wanting to nurture and care for ourselves is a step n the right direction.

I've been going to OA (Overeaters Anonymous) for the past three weeks, well just under, and I have found it very helpful.

I hope you find something that helps.

I've been away for the weekend which we catered. It was odd as I felt anxious around the food and ate things like rice pudding and sausages and puddings. But at the end of the weekend I worked out I'd probably eaten less and better overall. Sitting formally to eat, slower meals, appetizing food and good company (and very definitely not having had to cook myself) made me feel more satisfied and full and didn't snack apart from the biscuit they served with coffee.

Now I'm home I feel I'm floundering again. Crackers and pb as its what's in the house.

Do people meal plan? Any ideas for nutritious and appetizing that's quick and easy to do.

I feel like I'm losing the battle. I've tried since Jan to lose the weight and I'm only fluctuating a few pounds.

Not we catered - was catered.

Sleep Thank you :) Can I really relearn my habits though? I see other people who have lost large amounts of weight and changed their lifestyle but I always feel they have something I don't - willpower, that a-ha! moment, different circumstances etc. Though I sound like I'm just finding excuses for myself!

violet I've been with SureSlim before in NZ but that was a more one-to-one thing than groups. I've been really thinking about getting some sort of talking therapy for it, but I'm moving to London in the new year so figure I should wait til then rather than start here and then change therapists/groups. The group talking makes me feel nervous though; it's such a personal thing that's been a part of me for so long and whenever I have begun to talk to people about it in the past I get quite anxious afterwards, like I've talked too much about it and they know too much about me. That sounds quite silly! Do you and your friend find it more helpful than individual sessions?

Italian Goodness, I'm not sure about that! In my mind I'm the furthest thing from a good quality! But thank you, it's very kind. who wants to work hard for someone they don't love. This really resonates with me, and seems to be the common theme with the women I know who've changed their lifestyles for good and lost the weight. But how do we love ourselves in spite of it? I know I can say 'this and this are my good qualities, I should be kind to myself, I would love a friend like this' but I can't seem to get rid of the hatred for being fat. Like that outweighs the things I like about myself, that I could never love myself while I'm fat because I can't stop being disgusted at myself.

Rosey, I'm not keen on large groups, the best one I've done was a small mindfulness group where there were only 7 of us and we got to know each other. I'm not getting in with ww /sw at the mo so willing to give OA a go. I've tried individual talking therapies a bit and they can be excellent too, just have generally focused on other things like general anxiety rather than food. The good thing about groups is that you realise there are other people out there like you, you're not on your own!

I don't really meal plan as such! I have a few recipes if anyone wants them, nothing fancy though
Fake quick carbonara
Courgette pasta
Beef and ale stew

Today's food plan (yesterday went well!):

Muesli & fruit
Grapes (snack)
Poached eggs, tomatoes, beans on toast
Jelly
Honey on toast (snack)
Chilli & rice, no bread burrito or a sandwich
Yogurt with lemon curd
Graze box/sweet/chocolate (snack)

Goodas - then that is ok? Crisps and chocolate may not be ideal sources of calories but over the whole day you didn't overeat. Do you think you would do better having a little more carbs in the morning? I know you aim to minimise processed carbs like bread and pasta and I agree that's a good nutritional approach, but one serving a day is fine, especially given your activity levels . You may find it lessens the urge for them later on, so perhaps you wouldn't have wanted the crisps perhaps? Play around a bit, see what works, listen to your body.

recovering it does sound like meal planning is a good way forward for you. Do you mind me asking what your financial situation is like? if it is available then money can buy a certain level of convenience wrt food.

Rosey you said But how do we love ourselves in spite of it? I know I can say 'this and this are my good qualities, I should be kind to myself, I would love a friend like this' but I can't seem to get rid of the hatred for being fat. Like that outweighs the things I like about myself, that I could never love myself while I'm fat because I can't stop being disgusted at myself.

I think a therapist might be able to help you get over your hatred of fat. I do think you need to learn to love yourself. I hate to be prescriptive here but if I were you I would ask my GP to refer me to a therapist on the NHS and ask if that can be refereed to your next location or at least get your GPs help on this now. After all if your GP fails to help you, you can at least try again in your new location, where are if your GP does a good job you/they may be able to refer the therapy on to your new location. if you really want to wait until you move make it a priority to get a GP who will help you. being very overweight/obese can really cause major problems in the future health wise so it is in the NHS best interests to help you lose weight safely.

I'm nearly 50 and have been on a journey to get to the bottom of my OCD related eating problems seriously for three and a half years, and partially for about 6 years, and have overeaten off and on for almost 25 years. So if I can help in any way, please ask. I do not have the answers but I am on the journey to find them for me, and each of us who overeats has to find what works for us.

I am also a big fab of Overeaters Anonymous, pop over to my thread if you want to read more about it.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/eating_disorders/2226309-Overeaters-Anonymous-anyone-anonymously-out-there-want-to-share

I don’t want to hog this thread talking about it but I have found it helps me. Also it is really anonymous so you can go and then if you don’t like it leave. especially with your move coming up if it is good you can try again in your new locating and if you don’t like it you can go. Remember different groups are all a bit different so you may want to try a couple before deciding if it is for you.

All the best, you are lovely, your words are so sincere, being fat does not make you unlovely, why would it?

violetbean the biggest OA group I have ever attended in my location is about half a dozen people. So very small. The slimming groups I attended years ago were always bigger and gave no opportunity for individuals to really talk aside for asking questions about things.

Good please do share your recipes, especially the Carbonara one.

Sorry Rosey I meant.... if you don’t like it you can just leave and not go again but do give it a go if you feel it will help.

Super quick "carbonara"
Boil pasta as sauce is so quick
Fry pancetta/bacon or use chopped ham. I like to add v finely chopped courgette. Tiny bit of garlic. Stir in large dollop creme fraiche and grated cheese or Parmesan . Keep stirring! Marvel at sauce
Serve with pasta

good - yum.