My DD has bulimia.

[StolenStollen]

As the title really. My dd has bulimia. I found out on the 5th November 2013 and she's been in a eating disorder unit since.
Currently, she weighs 3st 4 and last Wednesday she had a nasal-gastric drip inserted as she wasn't eating.
I am looking for advice and hands to hold please. I don't know if I'm posting this in the right place.
How can I not blame myself?

He didn't think but he should not have said it. It was wrong and I do want him sacking. I know I might be overreacting but she is my daughter and I am not having people use her as a example.
It is not funny.

Yep, makes life difficult for her in school, and for her friends too. Well done your daughter's friend for telling you and sticking up for your DD.

Any luck on the crafting front yet, Stollen, or too early yet?

Too early Ye. She's slept 13 hours today.

I cannot tell you how good it sounds to hear she is sleeping (hope she is also sleeping at night though.)

She's sleeping all day and night. She slept for 15 hours the other week.
She's doing well. The doctors hope she will be well enough to come home in July! She will need the drip until she weighs 9st though, her healthy weight for her height.

That is all such good news. I am so glad that they are looking after her and will give you both the best chance of continued recovery when she goes home.

Glad she is sleeping and gaining- I take it the sleep is restorative and comes from the fact that her body is not on high alert constantly looking for sustainance any more?

Stollen, does her unit have a hospital school for when she's physically better and able to pick up her studies again? Will it make her feel better to be able to start to regain a semblance of "normality".

On the other hand, I know a number of older people who spent a year or two out of education in their teens in TB sanitoria, and they all learned to do amazing things that they have continued through adulthood (One knits intricately, the other subsequently became a tailor). They caught up with their studies. There is plenty of time for your DD to decide what she wants to do later.

Another child I heard of recently went off to university in London to do English after a two year battle with anorexia. She only went a year later, having done a smaller number of A levels. The university was very accommodating about her health problems and lower than usual number of exams. She had done very well at the A levels she did do.

duchesse

that's very encouraging to know,I'm glad you posted that for Stollen

3st 9 ! Getting better slowly.
That's very encouraging duchesse. Thanks.

This is a good weight gain, am glad she is still gaining at a good rate.

How are you doing, Stollen?

oh, well done, so pleased for both of you!

I'm not doing too well. I wrote this on the 'letter to whoever' thread.
DD, I've failed you as a mother. I should have seen the signs. Because I failed, your so ill and I blame myself. I know your getting the help you need but I miss you at home. The unit is the best place for you I know. Please please don't hate me for the choices I have to make. If I don't, you will never have a chance at a normal life.
I love you and I hope you know that.
I wish I was a better mum.
I am sorry baby.
Mum xxx

I am so so tired, so close to the edge. I need her back and well.

((((Stollen))))

You are a great Mum under a great strain. I have had to remind myself a lot of times to try not to dwell on the nnot stoptive, to concentrate on what is good, what is lovely.

You got your lovely DD into the unit and you saved her life. You have not caused her illness, that is not medically possible. Youbare a good mum, the best you can be. You have not failed. Do not say that to yourself. She is in the right place. It is alright to miss her, of course you do. It must hurt. It must hurt that she is so unwell and looks so unwell still. She is getting better and will carry on getting better.

*(try not to dwell on the negative.)

Are you sleeping, Stollen? Are you getting any medical help yourself?

I am on anti-depressents, getting counselling and on sleeping tablets as I cannot sleep.
I did what any parent would.
Thank you Ye, you are so right. I haven't caused her harm, it isn't possible. The doctors only do what is right, they want to help save her life. I thank them every single time I see them.
It was so hard getting her the place. I got in from work, she was sat in the lounge covered in sick. I asked what was wrong and she told me. I yelled at her. Asked her how long it had been going on then I took get to the doctors. He said he'd get a emergency cahms appointment that pm. They didn't want her admitted. I had to say I wouldn't be able to cope. That hurt me. They took her, I refused to keave till they did.
You are a wonderful mother too. You're doing all you can and that is brilliant. I am here for you too.

They should not have made you say you couldn't cope, I really think that should not happen. It should be on BMI. That was wrong of them in my opinion, and if you can manage a very polite complaint, please do. I would sign a petition to get that changed if it is their policy.

It must have been so scary to see her thin and covered in sick when you got back from work. No wonder you yelled, it is a normal reaction to see someone you love putting themselves in danger. It is like the way we shout at our children when they are little and step onto a road, or we lose them because they wander off. Don't feel bad. If you weren't a good mum, you wouldn't have shouted or cared.

Also, when depressed it does mean we feel down on ourselves too, so have to sift between which things are ok to feel sad about and which thoughts are piling on guilt or fear and have to be let go of. It's tiring to work through it.

Dd has found the charity MIND to be good, and so as the Mumsnet Woolly Hugs people are raising money for them with an Easter fair, I'm making some crafts for it too. It has brightened up my day a bit.

She took a bed for another child. She took someone's bed but I don't feel too bad because my girl is getting help and that is wrong.
I had little choice but it is wrong and it should have been bmi based.
I was so scared. I'll never forget that sight. It will haunt me until I die.
I'll look at mind. I have seen the thread.

Stollen, she was not going to get better without being admitted to hospital. Did they tell you she had taken another child's bed? If so that is terrible and you should complain about that too, quite honestly. Don't think about any of that.

I had to fight to get dd seen by the ED unit and it wasn't nice, but I can't think in terms of taking someone else's place. My DD is ill and needs the care and is responding to treatment. They can help in ways I can't on my own.

They did. I may have told them I didn't care. At the time I did not care. I do now because I've seen how hard it is.

I am so glad your DD is responding to the treatment. It must have been hard to fight to even get her seen. They can help in ways we can't. I know that when she is discharged, our home life will change. It will revolve around her meals and structure. If our daugkhters hadn't got a units involvment, how would we know what is a ideal meal?

If our daughters didn't have a professional to tell them they have an ED and that they need to eat, they wouldn't eat at all. The ED speaks louder to them than a parent. It wouldn't make any difference if we knew how much they should eat or not (actually dd and I had to work that bit out for ourselves from how much she was weighing in at each week. But she would only let that happen after a diagnosis and seeing a professional at CAMHS. All CAMHS ever said was 'eat'. I had to come up with a meal plan, I took it along to a session and got CAMHS and DD to agree to it. Then we had months of the same thing before we got to ED unit (for weekly family therapy). Lots of things got smashed in that time (and I took a few hits) food flung around too. I got dd to say what was going on in her head, what the ED was telling her. It was horrendous. (Things like 'youre so fat and ugly, that food is full of fat and sugar and calories, it's oily, full of fear foods, you can't eat that. It's too hot. Its not hot enough. It's on the wrong plate. Its not cold enough its too cold. I don't usevthat fork. I hate it, It's filthy and horrible and disgusting.' But every other word was swearing, and very aggressive and angry, with slamming things down, storming off or breaking things, getting up etc.) I had to keep reminding myself (and DH) that it was better that the anger was turned on plates and thing rather than in on herself, wanting to harm herself or worse. It helped me to separate dd from the illness and get a better idea of what she deals with. It is hellish. It is still there, just as bad in her head. She's not better, just a better weight for now.

Gosh, sorry for the wall of text!

They will never be 100% better. There will always be that voice at the back of their mind. And that is sad. Their weights may improve but they do not.
It is better in a way that plates got broken and your DD didn't harm herself. DD hurt herself by cutting and being sick. She didn't damage anything because I would have found out sooner. I asked her if she was ever going to tell me and she said no. She didnt need help, she needed to stop eating things as she was fat.

I am so grateful to the doctors and people because DD would never have admitted she had a problem. She thought what she was doing was right.
We will never stop worrying about our daughters. I am scared for her when she is discharged. How will she cope? It is scary.

Dd was the same, she hid it for years. It was the cutting that was spotted first. She still does cut sometimes, as an emotional release. The smashing things came later when the ED was challenged. Your dd might do it, but I think they
use paper plates in the unit, so you can do the same at home/school.

You'll be asked to manage her meals for her when she is discharged. They will want you to follow the same meal plan. So there has to be a stage when she eats meals there, she can't go from being tube fed to going home. There is a high incidence of people going straight back into the units because every excuse is used to not eat, so don't let them contemplate letting her home until she can eat a meal without a tube, and keep it down. She won't be able to choose her own food for a long time (dd is just beginning to now, but of course she will say she doesn't have any problem choising. Then it takes an hour to order a meal from a menu or choose a sandwich for a lunch.)

Around here, parents sit in the school car park where they bring a lunch and takes their dc to the car to eat it. They sit with their dc while they eat and after while anxiety subsides, then take them back into school if they've eaten. (We are close enough to school that dd can come home for lunch, so she can have omelettes or hot couscous and chopped veg and a steamed pudding. I couldn't have got her refed as quickly otherwise. She still struggles with a lot of food types.)

I am happy to do whatever it takes. I'll stick to plans, buy certain plates and cutlery. I don't care as long as DD gets better.
We live 15 minutes from school. I'll probably bring her home for lunch then.
She's got to be 8st 10 before the tube comes out. Who knows how long that will be? 9st is the target weight but 8 10 is more realisitic for tube removal.
I won't let her leave until she's eaten meals and kept them.down. I do not want her to have to be readmitted.