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Original poster

My DD has bulimia.

314 replies

StolenStollen · 02/02/2014 10:01

As the title really. My dd has bulimia. I found out on the 5th November 2013 and she's been in a eating disorder unit since.
Currently, she weighs 3st 4 Sad and last Wednesday she had a nasal-gastric drip inserted as she wasn't eating.
I am looking for advice and hands to hold please. I don't know if I'm posting this in the right place.
How can I not blame myself?

OP posts:
Dancingqueen17 · 04/02/2014 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
StolenStollen · 04/02/2014 21:39

The unit will treat her as a daycase when she is well enough to come home.
I will ask for a copy of the routine so I can began to get used to it myself so I know what to do when dd does come home.
I'll ask about plates etc because she will need the same things.
She had been vomiting up to 25x Dancing. The unit is slowly saving her life.

OP posts:
yegodsandlittlefishes · 05/02/2014 00:12

DancingQueen, thank you for the link, it looks really very useful for me as well.

ZingSweetApple · 05/02/2014 08:07

fx for good result today

Original poster
StolenStollen · 05/02/2014 16:35

DD has lost nor gained any weight which I expected. I hope next week gives us a better result.

OP posts:
yegodsandlittlefishes · 05/02/2014 19:02

That is great! DD took much longer to make the turn from loss to gain. I am so glad, and hope she is still getting plenty of rest and recuperation. xx

Original poster
StolenStollen · 06/02/2014 21:40

She's sleeping loads atm. I know she needs all the rest she can get.
I am looking for new pyjamas for her. Some wonderful ones she'd love but they aren't suitable for the unit.

OP posts:
callamia · 06/02/2014 21:51

Hi stollen,
It's marvellous that your daughter is getting some intensive support right now. I was bulimic from 14-21, and my parents still don't know. It's great for your daughter that you can be part of rebuilding things. It sounds like you're strong and on board with the unit's work - I just wanted to wish you and her all the very best. It's absolutely worth coming out the other side.

Original poster
StolenStollen · 06/02/2014 22:07

All I'm asking is for her to get well again soon. It may take years but I'll help her.

OP posts:
ZingSweetApple · 07/02/2014 06:40

And I / we will be here for you!Wink

x

BadSeedsAddict · 07/02/2014 06:54

Just adding my best wishes and hope that she recovers well and becomes happier. So sorry you are going through this. I am still bulimic in my 30s, although not severely, because I did not receive the right help when younger. It helps if you can talk to someone you trust about it, who will not judge you or get upset/annoyed that you've done it again. Very best wishes for you both.

Original poster
StolenStollen · 08/02/2014 08:23

I start counselling on Tuesday.

She can't judge me so I know I will je able to get it all out.

OP posts:
yegodsandlittlefishes · 08/02/2014 09:09

I'm really glad you're having counselling, Stolen. I know it has helped me a lot.

You are not to blame.

Original poster
StolenStollen · 08/02/2014 13:16

I just feel so usless as though its my fault. If I had noticed, this would have nevet got so bad.

OP posts:
ZingSweetApple · 08/02/2014 15:38

Stolen

it's not your fault.
people wanting to hide things will outsmart you whatever it takes - my sister did it all, lying, sneaking around starting arguments, deliberately choosing a job that allowed her to come and go to suit her "lifestyle".

you just wouldn't know until it's been going on for a while and the weight loss hits you one day.

for her the first sign was when I waspg, and needing the loo in the middle of the night I heard the noise of vomiting and asked if she was ok.
she blew up at me and it was just obvious to me that her reaction was not normal.

my mum was in denial for a long time, but both DH and I were sure.
There were so many sings once we started looking!

Later she told us she had started casually a year before the "loo night" - it was shocking to hear and unbelievable that she hid it so well!

so please, please don't blame yourself - none of this is your fault!
(nor hers)

yegodsandlittlefishes · 08/02/2014 15:59

The thing is, even if you (or I) had known sooner, there is nothing anyone can do about it until the person with the ED is willing to say they have a problem and get some help for it. You have done all you can possibly do under such circumstances.

As I've said before, we're pretty sure DD has had some aspect of this, the beginnings of the MH/hypothalmus problem since birth, and puberty has been the trigger of her sh and ED.

This is from our last family session:

Psych: so how long have you been having suicidal thoughts, MissYego?

DD: for as long as I can remember

Psych: so...before the ED then?

DD: Yes, before the ED, for a long time before...

ME: You mean, even in primary school?

DD: yes

Me: Even where we used to live (infant school)?

DD: yes. (To me) Don't you remember that time when I was about 6, I was sitting on your lap (at our old house) and I asked you something to do with ending life/suicide (can't remember exact words) and you pushed me off your lap and told me never to talk about that kind of thing ever again!?

Me: (crying) but...I was depressed then and having counselling, I thought you had overheard something or were copying me or something like that. My counsellor told me you couldn't be depressed and I believed her! I was trying to protect you from my depression.

...

It doesn't make it my fault any more than it is her fault. would it be my fault if she had cancer, or a heart defect? So equally your daughter's illness cannot be your fault. People with eating disorders hide it. The school didn't flag it up, and they see her beside her peers on a daily basis. Parents are the last to spot these things as we love unconditionally.

ZingSweetApple · 08/02/2014 17:21

parents are the last to spot as we love unconditionally

very wisely and well put.
so so true.

sorry for your DD's situation also Yego

Original poster
StolenStollen · 08/02/2014 22:18

Yes. We dont see it because we are blinded by love. We don't want to see any wrong with our children.
I am sorry your dd has had suicidal thoughts for so so long Ye. DD has been feeling suicidal but not sure for how long. She told me 9 months and her cahms lady 2 years.

OP posts:
yegodsandlittlefishes · 08/02/2014 22:44

Yes, it has clearly got worse for dd since onset of puberty. Some people with experience of this have said it can become less intense again (for some people) once they get through puberty.

Original poster
StolenStollen · 08/02/2014 22:50

Puberty tipped DD over the edge. She started talking about death all the time. She stopped. Never spoke of death until a tragedy took place and hergodmother died. SSuicide and death began to creep back in. She never said she wanted to kill herself though. Things like if I died, i'd be in heaven with auntie x right now.

OP posts:
muser31 · 08/02/2014 22:55

i have experience of eating disorders. for me, puberty did trigger it, and if i had of had the right support at that time yes it would have been much less intense... i really hope things go well for your daughter, its a rough time but its so so good that you caught this now. noone realised about my ed till my twenties as i became expert at hiding it. she has a great chance to get better and be supported it just takes much time love and patience

muser31 · 08/02/2014 23:01

and no its not your fault i can recommend a fantastic parent forum with tremendous support - these parents are amazing and so supportive and will help you on your journey get in touch

members.feast-ed.org/

Original poster
StolenStollen · 10/02/2014 16:00

I will look at the links.
She's been outside for half an hour!

OP posts:
yegodsandlittlefishes · 10/02/2014 19:41

Ooh great that she went outaide for a bit. :)
The feast website/forum looks great. Supportive locals by the looks of it.

Mitchy1nge · 10/02/2014 21:28

:( I remember being somewhere very like this thread op, and found the support of other parents very helpful especially with the whole blaming myself thing - our unit ran a group, think we got together about once a month or so (this was the Phoenix centre in Cambridge). Is there anything like that where your daughter is? everyone there was going through the exact same set of experiences, guilt and grief and fear and so on, bad things to go through alone I think. We also had the only helpful family therapy of all time (we have had a lot!) while she was there. Are you offering anything like that yet?

other things that helped were (although I didn't think so at the time) perfecting the Family Meal in the unit before trying it at home, a very long process of being discharged very gradually with support, multiple copies of the meal plans plus a spare set of scales for weighing all the food so no arguing about what or how much to eat and roping in as much help for post meal distractions/supervision as possible - but this is probably a little way off yet?

my daughter was also very unwell to begin with, not even well enough for the ED unit at first but once she moved there from general hospital progress was fairly steady (or it seems that way looking back) and she is at university now, two years later than her peers and doing well despite being at death's door more than once in the past Flowers