Known egg donor stipulating one child only

[Pouragandt]

Gosh, well I've had a bit of a shocker today.

So after several losses following having our healthy daughter 10 years ago, my sister kindly agreed to being mine and my husband's egg donor so that we could try and conceive again. We also used a sperm donor and were blessed with a healthy son 2 years ago.

We have always wanted 3 babies so decided now's the time to try again - we're very fortunate to have 5 good quality frozen embryos from the IVF cycle with my sister's eggs and the sperm donor. I'm 42 so time is of the essence!

I let my sister know yesterday that we were going to do another transfer as soon as possible and she said she feels let down and disappointed that we didn't discuss it with her first.

She then went on to say today that she only went ahead with the egg donation on the assumption that it was for our 'long-awaited second child' and she doesn't want us going again. I'm so upset that I may not have another baby and that I might have to destroy our embryos (after having lost 3 babies in the past; one full term) just to respect my sister's wishes. Am I right in thinking she's being unreasonable?! Please send help! X

Without her help it would even have been an option so surely her feelings are paramount.

Im so upset that I may not have another baby and that I might have to destroy our embryos (after having lost 3 babies in the past; one full term) just to respect my sister's wishes
Quite honestly I can’t believe how selfish this statement is when you consider that without your sister you wouldn’t even have a second child . Sorry OP but I think you need to give your head a wobble and consider your sisters feelings instead of making it all about you .

Your sister has given you the chance for your second child. Not disrespect her and go against her wishes. Your feeling are valid but so are hers and she is entitled to withdraw consent at any time.

You might want 3 children but unfortunately the harsh reality is you aren't in a position to make that decision without having to think of others. Your sister has said no, and that's the end of the decision

I'm guessing you could go with another donor if you can find one quickly given your age.

@Persipan That is fair enough. I don't know anything about using donor eggs. This thread has been very informative and I am glad there are people who know about it to advise the OP.

Agree with the majority, whilst it is hard for you the only reasonable thing to do is stop at two.

If you’re in the UK once the eggs are donated then your sister has no legal say in their fate .

Absolutely and completely untrue.

www.hfea.gov.uk/choose-a-clinic/consent-to-treatment/

Why do people come on here and lie about such important issues? What's wrong with you?

"Can I withdraw my consent to treatment?

Yes you can, providing your eggs, sperm and embryos haven’t already been used in treatment. Even if you’ve already created an embryo, you can withdraw your consent at any point up until it’s transferred to the womb.

Your partner or donor can also change or withdraw their consent at any time until their eggs, sperm or embryos have been used in treatment. If that happens, you wouldn’t be able to continue with treatment, even if the embryos have been jointly created with your eggs or sperm."

So there has been a fundamental lack of communication from the beginning? You say you and your husband have always wanted 3 babies but your sister was never aware of this? How was this not discussed? I think your sister probably found the process difficult emotionally first time round and doesnt want to go through it again. You surely didnt mislead her about how many babies you actually wanted? Did you?

Well no, of course she isn’t being unreasonable, it’s her egg. It may be that she’s found it difficult having her nephew/but biological son around and doesn’t want to add to that strain. Presumably you discussed 3 kids at the time with her? But anyway it would have been more sensitive to see how she felt about you going again, rather than presenting it.

I can understand you are upset but it sounds like you have lost sight of how generous your sister was. She gave you a huge gift, if she doesn’t want to do it again, that should be her choice.

I don’t know what the legal position is, but would suggest mediation to try and get to an agreement. In the meantime if I were you I would ring her and say you now realise you have been insensitive.

You have two healthy children and that's still not enough? Sorry but you're being quite selfish.

I'm sorry but I don't think she's being unreasonable in the slightest. She's been incredibly generous to help you like this. I think you're being massively unreasonable to assume it would be OK and to "let her know" implies that you'd already made up your mind without discussing it with her. I

Thanks everyone for your comments - it's good to hear other opinions.

Just to give some clarity, when my sister offered for us to use her eggs instead of using an anonymous donor, the two of us and our husband went to counselling with the IVF clinic which is a legal requirement when doing known donor IVF.

Once my sister had her egg retrieval, she was then asked by the clinic if she is still happy to donate and signs them over to us, which she did. Once the eggs fertilise with the sperm, the embryos then legally belong to me and my husband.

Re how she feels with my nephew, she coincidentally advised me recently that she feels no different towards him than to her niece.

Should also mention that I narrowly escaped a hysterectomy with my son, so feel so lucky that I can still carry a child that it's very sad if that can't happen

I'm astounded by your selfishness

It’s tough, but as others have said, you’ve got 2 healthy children and should count your lucky stars

And if you ‘only’ wanted 3 children but have 5 embryos left, it’s highly likely you would have to end up destroying some anyway, so you can’t be that hung up on it

You have to respect her wishes, be grateful for what you’ve got and move on
And I say this having had nearly 20 rounds of IVF and 3 losses, including one still birth

Wow. What a mess. You really should have discussed this with her first but then they are half your DHs so it is tricky.

Having seen your update, it is even more obvious that you have to be grateful for what you have

Why on earth would you risk your health and your relationship with your sister?

God what a situation. She was so generous amongst other things to donate her eggs in the first place. I couldn’t do it.
But you need to respect her wishes here, this could mess her up completely. The first egg she was gifting, she saw as your child completely. This one that she isn’t giving willingly she might end up seeing as hers that you have taken maybe? I don’t know, but it’s tough.

YABVU

Just to clarify also, it was never mentioned that she would only want us to have one transfer when she offered to be our donor...

The embryos may be yours but you need her consent to transfer them to you.

@ApolloandDaphne

Has your sister got children of her own?

Yes, she has 2...

@HooverPhobic

The embryos may be yours but you need her consent to transfer them to you.

She doesn’t legally

As i recall, all possible outcomes for the embryos are discussed with all parties and consent is signed.
I am finding it very hard to believe that this wasnt discussed and you seem to have been given advice that goes against HFEA regulations.

"Re how she feels with my nephew, she coincidentally advised me recently that she feels no different towards him than to her niece."

Did she say that before or after you spoke about the third baby?

Why do you think that your sister feels uncomfortable about this third child?

moonshine So you are saying the hfea information I linked upthread is untrue?
The hfea.
The Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority that regulates all ivf etc in the uk.