Known egg donor stipulating one child only

[Pouragandt]

Gosh, well I've had a bit of a shocker today.

So after several losses following having our healthy daughter 10 years ago, my sister kindly agreed to being mine and my husband's egg donor so that we could try and conceive again. We also used a sperm donor and were blessed with a healthy son 2 years ago.

We have always wanted 3 babies so decided now's the time to try again - we're very fortunate to have 5 good quality frozen embryos from the IVF cycle with my sister's eggs and the sperm donor. I'm 42 so time is of the essence!

I let my sister know yesterday that we were going to do another transfer as soon as possible and she said she feels let down and disappointed that we didn't discuss it with her first.

She then went on to say today that she only went ahead with the egg donation on the assumption that it was for our 'long-awaited second child' and she doesn't want us going again. I'm so upset that I may not have another baby and that I might have to destroy our embryos (after having lost 3 babies in the past; one full term) just to respect my sister's wishes. Am I right in thinking she's being unreasonable?! Please send help! X

[quote LewishamMum]@OhHolyJesus
You find out if a donor has been used to create other kids (although this may not be up to date, and it may be the donor is very new or something, so it's not that useful), but no further info this. The kids, but not you, have the right to find this out at 18. According to my counsellor they are usually much more interested in half-siblings out their than the donor themselves.[/quote]
We've been told this too - our son is more likely to want to seek out his half siblings than the sperm donor

Just by way of an update, I have had a massive reality check and have realised that as my sister was our egg donor, it would have been common courtesy to check in with her to ask how she'd feel if we did another transfer, not just assume it'd be fine as she was ok with us having our son.

Slowly but surely, we're getting our relationship back on track, but she feels incredibly hurt that I didn't ask her her feelings about another transfer as opposed to telling her that's what we wanted to do.

I also have a lot of making up to do with my parents who feel so sad for my sister, too. She did an amazing thing for us and it's such a shame that it's come to this. I've no idea if a transfer will happen in the future, but my relationship with my sister is my absolute priority and if she can't handle another transfer, I respect that - as much as I love those embryos, I love my sister more.

For those of you who offered support and kind words, thank you so much x

I have to say, OP, you're definitely in my all-time top five 'people on the internet who constructively and thoughtfully took on board advice' list. (Not honestly sure there are actually five people on that list, the internet being what it is.) I'm glad things are going in a positive direction - and I hope the weird debates that sprung up and somewhat detailed your thread weren't too much of a source of stress.

@Persipan I agree. OP, good luck to you all and wish your family happy future - I'm going through peri menopause now and am so grateful my youngest (tween) doesn't need lifting/wiping/dressing/carrying anymore cause I'm exhausted!!!!

Well done OP, what a tough situation. Sometimes what seems like the solution to a problem isn't the solution that you thought, after all. Sorry for vague musing, probably not helpful but something I've been thinking about recently.
I do wish you every happiness with your family.

Thank you all.
Yes, some words that were written were incredibly hurtful, but I've surprised myself with how resilient I've been!

The smaller number of compassionate comments certainly outweighed the more derogatory ones in my mind, and they're the ones I remember ❤️

I’m so glad you’re having those conversations with your sister now, OP; and I’m sorry the thread got so derailed as that does tend to polarise opinions somewhat.

This must be really tough on everyone, including you, so I hope you take some time privately to process this situation and come to terms with not having the family outcome you’d envisioned.

That’s lovely, thanks for the update.

@belfastcitylawd

How could a “lawyer” make that mistake?

@belfastcitylawd
Why is that trivial or outrageous? And it is true too.
Not sure what the point about my being a lawyer is, or what mistake I'm supposed to have made.
I did travel to Belfast to give birth, and it is true that anyone could in NI where a parent has British or Irish citizenship gets Irish citizenship.

[quote LewishamMum]@belfastcitylawd
Why is that trivial or outrageous? And it is true too.
Not sure what the point about my being a lawyer is, or what mistake I'm supposed to have made.
I did travel to Belfast to give birth, and it is true that anyone could in NI where a parent has British or Irish citizenship gets Irish citizenship.[/quote]
Because birth tourism, although legal, has many negative impacts and implications on the maternity service being used.
That’s why it’s outrageous. That’s why I would have thought a “lawyer” might have known better.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken
I don't really think it's appropriate to take over this page with your ranting about something else, when there's at least two other threads dedicated to the topic.
Whether it's right or wrong is a broader question - bit silly to say because I'm a lawyer that I've made a mistake when I clearly haven't. I read the law, and acted within it for the best interests of my child. What I did may be right or wrong more generally, but it's daft to call out my profession within this.
Also daft and mean to troll me on other threads, particularly one has heart rendering as this. Stick to the two threads you know about.

[quote LewishamMum]@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken
I don't really think it's appropriate to take over this page with your ranting about something else, when there's at least two other threads dedicated to the topic.
Whether it's right or wrong is a broader question - bit silly to say because I'm a lawyer that I've made a mistake when I clearly haven't. I read the law, and acted within it for the best interests of my child. What I did may be right or wrong more generally, but it's daft to call out my profession within this.
Also daft and mean to troll me on other threads, particularly one has heart rendering as this. Stick to the two threads you know about.[/quote]
You asked. I clarified.

@CatherinedeBourgh

I really think you should have broached it with her before deciding to do another transfer.

She was incredibly generous to donate her eggs, I think her stipulation is reasonable too.

I agree.

I didn't realise you could actually do this, here, legally. The problems your sister is having with this illustrates just one of the difficulties encountered with surrogacy. One of your children is actually your niece or nephew, is also your sister's child/niece/nephew.

Why?

@Pouragandt
Just wondering if there's been any developments? Do you think your sister (and her husband) might relent?

@ApolloandDaphne

Ooh that is a really hard one morally and ethically. Once she gives you her eggs are they all technically yours? And they are now fertilised so they aren't just eggs but actually embryos. I suspect you can go ahead if you wish but it may damage your relationship with your sister. Would she agree to counselling with you and your DH so you can get all concerns and issues out in the open and maybe find a way forward that works for you all?

I'm using a sperm donor for IVF and me and my partner had to have counselling before we could proceed with using a donor. From that counselling I understood that a donor can withdraw their consent at any point up to transplant. That would include where embryos have been created. Sorry to the OP, but the donor does have the legal right (I believe, although probably best to check with your clinic).

Oops sorry OP, obivously too quick to post and didn't read thread through.

[quote LewishamMum]@Pouragandt
Just wondering if there's been any developments? Do you think your sister (and her husband) might relent?[/quote]
Thanks for thinking of me.
Out of the blue, my sister said she has been for counselling again and is happy for us to have another baby - amazing news, but it all just feels so tainted with the way my husband and I have handled the whole thing, that we've shelved it for now. I'm just thrilled that my sister, parents and I are all pretty much back to where we were before, and I'm just focusing on that for now 🙂