Known egg donor stipulating one child only

[Pouragandt]

Gosh, well I've had a bit of a shocker today.

So after several losses following having our healthy daughter 10 years ago, my sister kindly agreed to being mine and my husband's egg donor so that we could try and conceive again. We also used a sperm donor and were blessed with a healthy son 2 years ago.

We have always wanted 3 babies so decided now's the time to try again - we're very fortunate to have 5 good quality frozen embryos from the IVF cycle with my sister's eggs and the sperm donor. I'm 42 so time is of the essence!

I let my sister know yesterday that we were going to do another transfer as soon as possible and she said she feels let down and disappointed that we didn't discuss it with her first.

She then went on to say today that she only went ahead with the egg donation on the assumption that it was for our 'long-awaited second child' and she doesn't want us going again. I'm so upset that I may not have another baby and that I might have to destroy our embryos (after having lost 3 babies in the past; one full term) just to respect my sister's wishes. Am I right in thinking she's being unreasonable?! Please send help! X

[quote me4real]@Pouragandt If you used the embryos (which are yours) your sister wouldn't be told. So....you could always have a 'miracle baby.' [/quote]
So ending your relationship with sister, brother in law and nephews when they are contacted by HFEA, you are also assuming that her sister is incredibly thick.

If I was the OP and it turned out that this was because of the sister's husband objecting, I'd be really cross - not his eggs, not his embryo, not his business imo!

[quote me4real]@Pouragandt That could possibly be a bit unconvincing if you needed the donor egg I guess (though I had a friend who had a child through IVF and then went on to have another LO naturally.)

You could have IVF 'again.'? [/quote]
OMG stop with the winking.

Neither the OP nor her DH are the biological parents of their child. Do you really think that "Oops, we did it again!" is going to work here?

And why would you even suggest such a shitty thing?

[quote me4real]@Pouragandt If you used the embryos (which are yours) your sister wouldn't be told. So....you could always have a 'miracle baby.' [/quote]
That's fucking sick. And, IIRC, if you use a UK based gamete donor, it's not something you can hide from the child.

@Persipan Really? Ah ok.

@Pouragandt Any chance you could have IVF again using someone else's/a stranger's egg and sperm?

[quote me4real]@Pouragandt If you used the embryos (which are yours) your sister wouldn't be told. So....you could always have a 'miracle baby.' [/quote]
This is so ethically messed up. OP’s sister would have a biological child without her knowledge. OP should be happy with the 2 DC she has! They have each other, cousins and friends to play with!

There's nothing stopping you, OP, from having a further egg and sperm donation round.

@BlondeRaven This isn’t a business transaction. One sister donated her eggs to the other sister with the hope of creating a new human being. There are a lot of emotions and family dynamics involved here, not forgetting those of the resulting child who’ll be growing up into an adult with his own thoughts about this “transaction”.

It was actually pretty heartbreaking watching her with no sibling for 8 years. She was supposed to have a sister when she was 4 but she was stillborn. She once drew a life size image of a little girl and said to me it was her pretend sister when she was about 6 which broke my heart.

My DD was 6 when her older sister died. She has no relationship with her younger brother because of his autism. It happens. It's still irresponsible to bring another human being into existence for serve for someone else and when your sister has made it clear she doesn't consent to her eggs being used in that way. She's already told you her feelings, no point in 'reaching out' to her, she won't give you her blessing.

You need counselling because quite honestly your wish to have another child come across as irrational and again, you said you narrowly escaped hysterectomy with your last, which was the 5th child you carried.

You sound totally blindsided and obsessed rather than focusing on what you have now. Your whole goal seems to be having '3' to make up for the 3 you lost. Having lost a child myself, that's not a good place to be to bring a child in the world and you should honestly get some help rather than try to get your sister to capitulate.

In your place, I would respect your sisters decision. She has a right to change her mind. I think focusing on the two lovely children you have and counting your blessings instead of obsessing over a third child is the best way to move forward. However, if you feel that you absolutely must have a third child then I would recommend counseling so you are clear about your reasons and needs for having a third child and then seeking a separate donor. Please do not bring up this topic to your sister again. She has made her wishes clear and has been a wonderful support to you. Do not insult her kind and selfless gesture by continuing to bring up this topic and trying to change her mind

Any time following your donation, you have a right to find out:

if your donation has been successful;
the number of children born as a result of your donation; and
the gender and year of birth of any children born following your donation. seedtrust.org.uk/egg-donor/egg-donation-and-the-law/

It sounds like the donor isn't informed automatically, unless they themselves write and ask, which it's unlikely the sister would do.

Of course, this plan could get sticky and would require the child themselves being let in on the secret if IVF was used 'again' and they decided to find out about their donors when they turned 18.

So it's probably not practical really.

I’d urge you to have some counselling to look at this urge to have another.

As a total stranger it seems unwise at best. You are older, have had losses and complications, you are risking your life/health to provide a sibling. … to what end? This third baby will be a person in its own right, not just a playmate for an existing child.

I’m one of three. It’s not always a good dynamic if I’m honest. For every family where a third just adds to the joy, there are situations like mine where not only did I not get on with my little sister, it trashed the relationship with my other sibling too.

Is using a different egg donor this time a possibility? I mean I’m not sure what your plans were or if that would even be a possibility but if your sister doesn’t want that then you should respect her wishes and if you dreadfully want another just use another donor.

Do you honestly think that if your sister is struggling when she sees your son and finds it weird and hard and totally regrets being donor that she would actually say that to you? Or do you think she might put it to the back of her mind, swallow down the pain and press on with life because she can't undo what has been done?

This has been a real wake up call and I have to say I'm ashamed I hadn't taken my sister's thoughts into account.

I've had a blumming good cry this evening and have grieved for what could have been. I have also had a good look at my family and realised how lucky I am - something we thought we'd never have for a long time.

I have messaged my sister to say I'm here when she wants to talk, and that I never want to lose what we have in our friendship. She's a pretty special person and I won't lose sight of that. I've also made it clear to her that would never go ahead without her blessing, and that I'm ok with that - our relationship comes first.

Phew, what an emotional day!

@BillMasheen

I’d urge you to have some counselling to look at this urge to have another.

As a total stranger it seems unwise at best. You are older, have had losses and complications, you are risking your life/health to provide a sibling. … to what end? This third baby will be a person in its own right, not just a playmate for an existing child.

I’m one of three. It’s not always a good dynamic if I’m honest. For every family where a third just adds to the joy, there are situations like mine where not only did I not get on with my little sister, it trashed the relationship with my other sibling too.

That's really interesting to know; thank you

osbert Said it better than me.

I will add though, I have an only. And when he was 6 or so he had a pretend brother, similar to the situation you describe with yours.

I had a hysterectomy due to complications, so a sibling was never on the cards. Now he’s older and has friends with younger brothers and sisters, he sees how that’s turning out, how annoying they can be, how it places restrictions on the older ones and he’s said quite a few times he’s very glad he doesn’t have one.

Oops XPosted with you OP.

Hope you can find some peace in this. You have had a rough ride, and deserve to enjoy your family.

I'm sorry but some of the replies on here are crackpot & dangerous (except people like @HooverPhobic )

I was / am an egg donor for my sister. It was made very, very clear from the outset that the following things happen: 1. I can withdraw my consent for the embryos to be used at any point up to them being inserted.

1. Any resulting child can also be given basic info on the donor (ie me) if they ask for it aged 16, and can receive a letter that I wrote to them aged 18. Obviously they'd be my niece /nephew so we would have crossed all those bridges before those ages but you simply cannot, legally, ethically, morally or any other way, use the embryos if your sister objects. Posters saying otherwise who clearly have no fucking clue have really wound me up on this. Egg donation is a big, big deal and very very strictly managed in the uk. It is absolutely NOT a case of working a way around it. Op you need to have a very frank discussion with your sister and give her time to come to her decision.

Perhaps she feels that it would be detrimental to your two children if you had another one but doesn’t want to say so. If she does feel more emotionally invested in your son then she might want to protect him where (in her opinion) a change might not be the best thing for him. The fact she stopped at two supports this. I really feel for you, it must be very difficult to accept. Further down the line you might resent your sister even if you are starting to understand how she feels now. I hope you can both work things out xx

@Pouragandt

I’m glad you’ve reflected. IME Sisters are amazing and it’d be an absolute tragedy to lose that relationship.

The last baby or not is always tough. After 4 miscarriages and losing a DC I was desperate for baby #5. It didn’t happen and although I was content (how could I not be?!) there was always (will always be?) a gap.

A few years later I need surgery that meant a last baby was impossible. Although by then I’d reconciled to the fact I wouldn’t have another it was still very sad. Take your time to grieve for what could have been and then delight in what you have

I hope you and your sister find peace op.

@Pouragandt

This has been a real wake up call and I have to say I'm ashamed I hadn't taken my sister's thoughts into account.

I've had a blumming good cry this evening and have grieved for what could have been. I have also had a good look at my family and realised how lucky I am - something we thought we'd never have for a long time.

I have messaged my sister to say I'm here when she wants to talk, and that I never want to lose what we have in our friendship. She's a pretty special person and I won't lose sight of that. I've also made it clear to her that would never go ahead without her blessing, and that I'm ok with that - our relationship comes first.

Phew, what an emotional day!

💐

@Pouragandt

Thank you everyone for your comments.

I've gone into this blinkered and need to think about how a possible second transfer would affect my sister. I assumed all of this was covered in her counselling sessions with the clinic first time round, but it's unfair of me to think she'd feel fine with subsequent transfers after the first one as there's new dynamics to take into account. I'll reach out to her to try and resolve things.

Please don’t try to emotionally blackmail her into giving consent - that would be an end to your relationship with her. She has said she doesn’t want another transfer. That needs to be the end of the discussion. As disappointing as it is, you cannot put her in such an emotive situation.

@Pouragandt

This has been a real wake up call and I have to say I'm ashamed I hadn't taken my sister's thoughts into account.

I've had a blumming good cry this evening and have grieved for what could have been. I have also had a good look at my family and realised how lucky I am - something we thought we'd never have for a long time.

I have messaged my sister to say I'm here when she wants to talk, and that I never want to lose what we have in our friendship. She's a pretty special person and I won't lose sight of that. I've also made it clear to her that would never go ahead without her blessing, and that I'm ok with that - our relationship comes first.

Phew, what an emotional day!

Well done OP. I’m sure you will grieve for something got you could have, but now know it’s not feasible. You and your sister clearly have a very strong bond x