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Donor conception

For anyone with experience of sperm or egg donation to share support and advice. Please remember this board isn’t for debate about donor conception.

Original poster

Known egg donor stipulating one child only

352 replies

Pouragandt · 06/06/2021 16:18

Gosh, well I've had a bit of a shocker today.

So after several losses following having our healthy daughter 10 years ago, my sister kindly agreed to being mine and my husband's egg donor so that we could try and conceive again. We also used a sperm donor and were blessed with a healthy son 2 years ago.

We have always wanted 3 babies so decided now's the time to try again - we're very fortunate to have 5 good quality frozen embryos from the IVF cycle with my sister's eggs and the sperm donor. I'm 42 so time is of the essence!

I let my sister know yesterday that we were going to do another transfer as soon as possible and she said she feels let down and disappointed that we didn't discuss it with her first.

She then went on to say today that she only went ahead with the egg donation on the assumption that it was for our 'long-awaited second child' and she doesn't want us going again. I'm so upset that I may not have another baby and that I might have to destroy our embryos (after having lost 3 babies in the past; one full term) just to respect my sister's wishes. Am I right in thinking she's being unreasonable?! Please send help! X

OP posts:
Christmasfairy2020 · 06/06/2021 17:33

How old are your current children. Maybe get a dog? Have they both started school and your feeling lonely

me4real · 06/06/2021 17:35

I've gone into this blinkered and need to think about how a possible second transfer would affect my sister.

@Pouragandt I suppose you can't really argue about it, but I don't see how it effects her really. Especially if, as you say, she feels the same towards both your DC, it's not like she feels differently towards the one that had her egg.

there's new dynamics to take into account.

Are there? I know she says she only went ahead with what she has already done, she doesn't have to do anything extra, the embryos are already there because she thought it was for your second much longed for DC. But I don't see how it's a different situation really, it's the same action, which has already been done.

Do you and your DH not get on with her as well as you did/not as close as you were at the time, or something?

I dont see how it's any skin off her nose for you to use the pre-existing embryos.

Maybe you could try asking her one more time.

Floralnomad · 06/06/2021 17:35

Perhaps her husband isn’t keen on the idea of another one and she doesn’t want to start some kind of family argument by saying it’s him . I know they are her eggs but the child in theory is his children’s half sibling .

AnnaSW1 · 06/06/2021 17:36

I think you I think you sound ungrateful and selfish to be honest. I feel terrible for your sister.

Original poster
Pouragandt · 06/06/2021 17:38

@Floralnomad

Perhaps her husband isn’t keen on the idea of another one and she doesn’t want to start some kind of family argument by saying it’s him . I know they are her eggs but the child in theory is his children’s half sibling .
I think you may be right
OP posts:
Original poster
Pouragandt · 06/06/2021 17:41

@Christmasfairy2020

How old are your current children. Maybe get a dog? Have they both started school and your feeling lonely
Children are 10 and 2 and we have dogs already! I'm conscious that as my 10 year old gets older, she'll have her friends to hang out with and won't want to be at home playing with her little brother. I thought it would be nice for him to have a little sibling close in age
OP posts:
TableFlowerss · 06/06/2021 17:41

Tough situation OP, but I’m on the side of your sister. The child will be biologically half hers. She was more than good willed to do this for you once. Perhaps she finds it harder than she thought but doesn’t want to tell you.

Perhaps you wanted 3 but you’ve got two so I think rather than focusing on what you can’t have, focus on scar you’ve got, which is two children.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 06/06/2021 17:42

I disagree with the majority. I don't think it's reasonable to object when she offered to be a donor in the first place, signed over ownership to the OP and the embryos already exist and will be wasted otherwise. If the OP had had a stranger donate eggs, she would be now be able to make a decision to expand her own family. In objecting, the sister is making a choice on the size of the OP's family which OP should be deciding.
Now I'm not advocating that she just go ahead anyway and she should get to the bottom of why her sister isn't happy and see if it can be resolved. In all honesty I don't think she is being fair though and whatever happens, the relationship will have gone a bit pear-shaped.

Floralnomad · 06/06/2021 17:45

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously there is presumably nothing to stop the OP finding herself a new egg donor and starting again , to go ahead when the donor of the eggs is not happy will simply ruin the relationship with her sister and potentially wider family .

SarahAndQuack · 06/06/2021 17:47

It is really crap this wasn't properly and rigorously discussed in the counselling (but I do know they can be a bit slipshod).

I think even if she feels fine and has managed to sort out her feelings, it may have taken some processing for her to get to the point where she could be ok with it, and maybe that is why she feels shocked you're expecting her to be ok with it all over again, when she thought you were done.

This is not the same, but I belong to a network of women in same-sex relationships who (obviously) quite often end up going down the donor egg/donor sperm route, either because they want the baby to have a link to both mums or because one mum wants to carry and her own eggs aren't good enough quality. It's really, really common for people to talk about having concerns and weird emotional reactions - and that's in a situation that's much more emotionally simple than this one.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 06/06/2021 17:48

I think it's probably a time thing re getting a new donor. And it's a shame about the existing ones, which are a genetic link to the OP's existing children.

viques · 06/06/2021 17:52

@Pouragandt

Thank you everyone for your comments.

I've gone into this blinkered and need to think about how a possible second transfer would affect my sister. I assumed all of this was covered in her counselling sessions with the clinic first time round, but it's unfair of me to think she'd feel fine with subsequent transfers after the first one as there's new dynamics to take into account. I'll reach out to her to try and resolve things.

That’s a good update. I think you, your sister and your husband have a lot to discuss, I wish you well, it is going to be painful for all of you, but you all need to be honest with each other about your feelings. I hope you find resolution.
FourTeaFallOut · 06/06/2021 17:56

I don't think it's reasonable to object when she offered to be a donor in the first place, signed over ownership to the OP and the embryos already exist and will be wasted otherwise

She didn't leave a half open bottle of wine at the op's house. Creating a human is far more complicated that the usual terms of ownership and gifting.

Tubbs99 · 06/06/2021 17:57

@Pouragandt

Thanks everyone for your comments - it's good to hear other opinions.

Just to give some clarity, when my sister offered for us to use her eggs instead of using an anonymous donor, the two of us and our husband went to counselling with the IVF clinic which is a legal requirement when doing known donor IVF.

Once my sister had her egg retrieval, she was then asked by the clinic if she is still happy to donate and signs them over to us, which she did. Once the eggs fertilise with the sperm, the embryos then legally belong to me and my husband.

Re how she feels with my nephew, she coincidentally advised me recently that she feels no different towards him than to her niece.

But would she really tell you the truth? Perhaps she regrets giving away her child but realised that it was too late to do anything about it now?
Twoforthree · 06/06/2021 17:57

I suspect that she thought the whole thing had been put to bed and she doesn’t want to rake up emotions again. It can’t not have affected her.

Mamanyt · 06/06/2021 17:58

I am not sure of the legalities on this one. My gut feeling is that she now has no say...however...this is family, and that must be taken into consideration. Whatever you decide, I wish you and her the very best, and hope that the relationship remains strong and loving.

Dozer · 06/06/2021 17:59

Sister isn’t being at all unreasonable.

CutieBear · 06/06/2021 18:02

YABVU! Your sister is probably finding it hard that you’re technically raising her biological child. Be grateful that your sister went through an excruciating process so you could harvest her eggs when you already had a DC! Be thankful you have 2 DC. Many struggle to have 1!

osbertthesyrianhamster · 06/06/2021 18:08

Children are 10 and 2 and we have dogs already! I'm conscious that as my 10 year old gets older, she'll have her friends to hang out with and won't want to be at home playing with her little brother. I thought it would be nice for him to have a little sibling close in age

Your daughter did just fine not having a little sibling close in age. Creating a human being to possibly suit another person is irresponsible. You also said your narrowly escaped a hysterectomy with your DS, it would be irresponsible to chance carrying another child.

The children you have need you. And your husband.

InFiveMins · 06/06/2021 18:08

This is a really difficult one.

I can see why your sister is hurt by not being informed, but then from your other posts its clear she signed away her rights to her other eggs. I don't think I could continue with the transfer knowing she's clearly so pissed off about it. If you were to continue without her permission I think there'd be trouble ahead.

I think the answer has to be that you sit down and talk to her and I would say that if she doesn't want me to proceed again using her eggs then I won't, but that I'd like to have another child using her eggs. It might just need a good discussion. If she stays so against the idea, I think you have to respect her wishes.

RikkiTikkiTavvi · 06/06/2021 18:12

I suspect if she thought you were going to try for multiple children the first time round, she would have said no. You are incredibly fortunate she acted with such kindness to help you have a second child. She is not unreasonable to expect that would be it. I can’t believe you think she is.
You should respect your sister’s wishes and either accept that you have completed your family or seek another donor.

PurpleMustang · 06/06/2021 18:12

From what you have said about her being able to have and afford a third, but then also suspecting her husband feeling uncomfortable about you having a third, maybe it is that she wants a third but he doesn't, so he would be not wanting you to have a third if he won't allow his wife too, with it being 'her genes'. Would seem wholly unfair to her because of him. Your third would be her third she can't have.

RikkiTikkiTavvi · 06/06/2021 18:15

I suspect if she thought you were going to try for multiple children the first time round, she would have said no.
By which I mean saying no to the egg donation full stop.

SimonJT · 06/06/2021 18:22

Why wasn’t this covered in counselling before treatment began?

My cousin and her wife were going to use my sperm for IVF and her wifes egg, as part of the process (which I decided against in the end) I was very explicity asked how many live births I imagined happening, how many I would want to happen etc. It was also made explicit at all times that I could remove consent at any time before transfer, including years in the future to make further babies.

This was also discussed in group sessions with me, my cousin and her wife, so I’m really surprised that this hasn’t been properly covered already.

TatianaBis · 06/06/2021 18:25

This is why fertility clinics generally advise anonymous egg donation.

I would thank God you’ve got a sister kind enough to do it once. And respect her wishes fully. I wouldn’t even ‘reach out’ to her. She’s made herself clear.