Known egg donor stipulating one child only

[Pouragandt]

Gosh, well I've had a bit of a shocker today.

So after several losses following having our healthy daughter 10 years ago, my sister kindly agreed to being mine and my husband's egg donor so that we could try and conceive again. We also used a sperm donor and were blessed with a healthy son 2 years ago.

We have always wanted 3 babies so decided now's the time to try again - we're very fortunate to have 5 good quality frozen embryos from the IVF cycle with my sister's eggs and the sperm donor. I'm 42 so time is of the essence!

I let my sister know yesterday that we were going to do another transfer as soon as possible and she said she feels let down and disappointed that we didn't discuss it with her first.

She then went on to say today that she only went ahead with the egg donation on the assumption that it was for our 'long-awaited second child' and she doesn't want us going again. I'm so upset that I may not have another baby and that I might have to destroy our embryos (after having lost 3 babies in the past; one full term) just to respect my sister's wishes. Am I right in thinking she's being unreasonable?! Please send help! X

You have two healthy living children. I think you either have another egg donor or don’t go ahead. This could potentially ruin your relationship forever.
Maybe it wasn’t discussed (by her anyway) as she assumed you wanted another child, and then you had the child when IVF worked.

You narrowly escaped a hysterectomy, you're 42 and you want to risk your life carrying another child when you have 2 healthy children already?

You're not listening, anyway. Everyone's telling you that you are being quite irrational but to all of this you're 'But I want another one . . . '

You have 2 healthy children. That's enough.

If she's feeling this way clearly it's probably hard enough for her knowing you are raising her bio child without you having another one without permission. Get another donor it's selfish to put your sister in that position and assume you can just use them all.

Playing advocate her, maybe she can't have a third for some reason, medical, financial, relationship and therefore doesn't want you to either. Or she thought she was helping you out of a situation and now you are actively choosing to have more. And also more so, people change their mind, and whether she understood or not that it meant you could go back and try for another, she doesn't want you to. She completed her side of the deal by you having a 2nd

@HooverPhobic

moonshine So you are saying the hfea information I linked upthread is untrue? The hfea. The Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority that regulates all ivf etc in the uk.

She would have signed forms which would have stated she has no rights. Whilst I agree the sister should of been told they were thinking about this and I’m not saying I agree with it but the embryos are legally ops

I wonder if you both having 2 children seems fair to her but you having another one feels like you are trying to trump her and with her eggs. I think you maybe need to come to terms with the two children you have and realise how lucky you are.

No, the HFEA says the donor can withdraw consent at any point before transfer.
Why are you insisting this is untrue?

Thank you everyone for your comments.

I've gone into this blinkered and need to think about how a possible second transfer would affect my sister. I assumed all of this was covered in her counselling sessions with the clinic first time round, but it's unfair of me to think she'd feel fine with subsequent transfers after the first one as there's new dynamics to take into account. I'll reach out to her to try and resolve things.

@Pouragandt

Thank you everyone for your comments.

I've gone into this blinkered and need to think about how a possible second transfer would affect my sister. I assumed all of this was covered in her counselling sessions with the clinic first time round, but it's unfair of me to think she'd feel fine with subsequent transfers after the first one as there's new dynamics to take into account. I'll reach out to her to try and resolve things.

And get her to give into your getting your way . Life's not fair. You have two healthy children, how's that unfair?

Once the eggs fertilise with the sperm, the embryos then legally belong to me and my husband.

Yes, but she can still revoke her consent to their use. The clinic/the HFEA don't have to specifically ask her each time you want to transfer an embryo whether she's still okay with their use - they'll assume the consent she's given stands until and unless she says otherwise - but she can contact them and withdraw that consent going forwards.

Note that I am very much not suggesting you just quickly do a transfer without telling her and hope she doesn't figure out her rights until after the deed is done - that would be ethically very shaky given that you know she has reservations. You need to talk to her, and you need to be prepared for the answer to be no.

That sounds wise, OP. You have come on here complaining about your sister, without considering the very complicated feelings she may have about all this.

Also, telling you she feels no different to your DS than to your DD may not have been all of the truth.

You are asking her to have another biological child - this needs a lot more careful handling and consideration than you seem to have given it.

Op do you have any thoughts on the HFEA guidance I posted above? Did you not know about the legal position at the time or had you forgotten with everything going on? (I know what such a time is like with information overload! )

Kudos to you @Pouragandt You are taking criticism very well. I wish you well and hope you can find a resolution which works for both you and your sister.

I can see why you are disappointed , if you had got all excited and hopeful about this going ahead. But I think you have to listen to your sister. She was incredibly generous to donate in the first place. And you were incredibly lucky to have a successful IVF resulting in your son.

@CatherinedeBourgh

I really think you should have broached it with her before deciding to do another transfer.

She was incredibly generous to donate her eggs, I think her stipulation is reasonable too.

I agree. You have two lovely children.

@Persipan

Once the eggs fertilise with the sperm, the embryos then legally belong to me and my husband.

Yes, but she can still revoke her consent to their use. The clinic/the HFEA don't have to specifically ask her each time you want to transfer an embryo whether she's still okay with their use - they'll assume the consent she's given stands until and unless she says otherwise - but she can contact them and withdraw that consent going forwards.

Note that I am very much not suggesting you just quickly do a transfer without telling her and hope she doesn't figure out her rights until after the deed is done - that would be ethically very shaky given that you know she has reservations. You need to talk to her, and you need to be prepared for the answer to be no.

Gosh no, I definitely wouldn't do that. If she can't get her head round the idea, we'll let it go as I wouldn't want to ruin my relationship with my sister

YABU. It’s half her genetic material. She probably already has strong feelings about ‘your’ son which is technically half hers, and doesn’t want to put herself through it again. Very thoughtless in not discussing it with her.

@Pouragandt How sure are you that she wanted to stop at two children herself? If she can't have three children - and the reason might be purely financial - it might be really hard for her to watch you have "her" third, wanted child.

@HooverPhobic

Op do you have any thoughts on the HFEA guidance I posted above? Did you not know about the legal position at the time or had you forgotten with everything going on? (I know what such a time is like with information overload! )

Must say I don't recall that but 3 years have lapsed. But if that's what's going to happen and she'll refuse permission, then a third wasn't meant to be

It sounds from your OP that you just casually mentioned it in passing. I’m astonished that you’d think that was ok!

[quote mariemare]@Pouragandt How sure are you that she wanted to stop at two children herself? If she can't have three children - and the reason might be purely financial - it might be really hard for her to watch you have "her" third, wanted child.[/quote]
Definitely sure! She has two beautiful boys who are a handful! She'd have had no problems with conceiving a third and affording another if that's what she would have wanted :-)

Also the “just to respect my sister’s wishes” sounds really callous and greedy. They are her eggs, she should decide what happens to them.

@Pouragandt

Thank you everyone for your comments.

I've gone into this blinkered and need to think about how a possible second transfer would affect my sister. I assumed all of this was covered in her counselling sessions with the clinic first time round, but it's unfair of me to think she'd feel fine with subsequent transfers after the first one as there's new dynamics to take into account. I'll reach out to her to try and resolve things.

I think that's the right approach.

One thing to bear in mind is that it may well have been covered in her initial implications counselling, and yet she may well now feel differently to how she did then (even assuming she knew you'd ideally hoped for not just a second but a third child, which isn't clear). You know how you, I'm guessing, went through a while load of different stages to get to the point where donor eggs were something you were comfortable with? It's really normal for feelings to change a lot through these processes - and ultimately you can't really blame someone for having feelings, even if they aren't the ones you hope for them to have.

If she can't get her head round the idea, we'll let it go as I wouldn't want to ruin my relationship with my sister

I suspect it will affect your relationship whatever you decide.