Known egg donor stipulating one child only

[Pouragandt]

Gosh, well I've had a bit of a shocker today.

So after several losses following having our healthy daughter 10 years ago, my sister kindly agreed to being mine and my husband's egg donor so that we could try and conceive again. We also used a sperm donor and were blessed with a healthy son 2 years ago.

We have always wanted 3 babies so decided now's the time to try again - we're very fortunate to have 5 good quality frozen embryos from the IVF cycle with my sister's eggs and the sperm donor. I'm 42 so time is of the essence!

I let my sister know yesterday that we were going to do another transfer as soon as possible and she said she feels let down and disappointed that we didn't discuss it with her first.

She then went on to say today that she only went ahead with the egg donation on the assumption that it was for our 'long-awaited second child' and she doesn't want us going again. I'm so upset that I may not have another baby and that I might have to destroy our embryos (after having lost 3 babies in the past; one full term) just to respect my sister's wishes. Am I right in thinking she's being unreasonable?! Please send help! X

@PurpleMustang

From what you have said about her being able to have and afford a third, but then also suspecting her husband feeling uncomfortable about you having a third, maybe it is that she wants a third but he doesn't, so he would be not wanting you to have a third if he won't allow his wife too, with it being 'her genes'. Would seem wholly unfair to her because of him. Your third would be her third she can't have.

Neither of them want a third. They have a work life balance which suits them plus seeing friends etc. I'm more of a home-bird :-)

Yes, all this reaching out and having a discussion does sound like a switch in tactic to achieve the same aim.

OP ask yourself why you need to have 3 children, when 2.something is still the average in this country. Are you trying to prove a point to the detriment of your relationship with your sister? It’s incredibly selfish. Don’t use her eggs against her wishes.

@InFiveMins

This is a really difficult one.

I can see why your sister is hurt by not being informed, but then from your other posts its clear she signed away her rights to her other eggs. I don't think I could continue with the transfer knowing she's clearly so pissed off about it. If you were to continue without her permission I think there'd be trouble ahead.

I think the answer has to be that you sit down and talk to her and I would say that if she doesn't want me to proceed again using her eggs then I won't, but that I'd like to have another child using her eggs. It might just need a good discussion. If she stays so against the idea, I think you have to respect her wishes.

I agree. I could never go ahead without her blessing; it would be completely wrong

I wonder if she’s upset that you get to have another child, curtesy of her, at an age where most women can’t and perhaps she also can’t?

Doesn't matter if it was gone into in the original counselling or not. This is a human life we're talking about and her feelings about it may change all the time. Nor will she necessarily tell the absolute truth in 'coincidental' comments to the OP about how she feels no differently about the child to the non-donated-egg child. OP I'm glad you're taking her feelings on board and hope you won't tried to dissuade her. It truly is very different helping a sister have a desperately longed for second baby after all those losses compared to "we always wanted three and it'd be nice to have a sibling of similar age" etc. That would feel totally different to me as a donor and at 42, I can understand her thinking that you should be happy with what you have. It might even make her sad that what she's given hasn't fulfilled you and you still want more. It's not about destroying a third baby, more that those embryos were there to help you have your second. Who you have. I would talk to her for sure, but also get whatever support you need to realise your family is complete. You didn't always think you'd have three DC after all. Amidst the heartache, you must have felt like you would only have one.

@osbertthesyrianhamster

Children are 10 and 2 and we have dogs already! I'm conscious that as my 10 year old gets older, she'll have her friends to hang out with and won't want to be at home playing with her little brother. I thought it would be nice for him to have a little sibling close in age

Your daughter did just fine not having a little sibling close in age. Creating a human being to possibly suit another person is irresponsible. You also said your narrowly escaped a hysterectomy with your DS, it would be irresponsible to chance carrying another child.

The children you have need you. And your husband.

It was actually pretty heartbreaking watching her with no sibling for 8 years. She was supposed to have a sister when she was 4 but she was stillborn. She once drew a life size image of a little girl and said to me it was her pretend sister when she was about 6 which broke my heart.

@Mamanyt

I am not sure of the legalities on this one. My gut feeling is that she now has no say...however...this is family, and that must be taken into consideration. Whatever you decide, I wish you and her the very best, and hope that the relationship remains strong and loving.

Thank you for your kind words :-)

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I disagree with the majority. I don't think it's reasonable to object when she offered to be a donor in the first place, signed over ownership to the OP and the embryos already exist and will be wasted otherwise. If the OP had had a stranger donate eggs, she would be now be able to make a decision to expand her own family. In objecting, the sister is making a choice on the size of the OP's family which OP should be deciding. Now I'm not advocating that she just go ahead anyway and she should get to the bottom of why her sister isn't happy and see if it can be resolved. In all honesty I don't think she is being fair though and whatever happens, the relationship will have gone a bit pear-shaped.

Thank you for taking the time to comment; I really appreciate your opinion. We were going to use an anonymous donor but she volunteered to donate instead. Had she said we could only have one baby from the treatment, it would have been difficult for my husband and I to commit to that. Either way, this has certainly opened my eyes up to appreciating that we were wrong to assume she'd be ok with transfer number 2 as she was with transfer number 1 - it naively hadn't occurred to me

@TableFlowerss

Tough situation OP, but I’m on the side of your sister. The child will be biologically half hers. She was more than good willed to do this for you once. Perhaps she finds it harder than she thought but doesn’t want to tell you.

Perhaps you wanted 3 but you’ve got two so I think rather than focusing on what you can’t have, focus on scar you’ve got, which is two children.

Thank you for putting that so politely! You may well be right.

@Pinkdelight3

Doesn't matter if it was gone into in the original counselling or not. This is a human life we're talking about and her feelings about it may change all the time. Nor will she necessarily tell the absolute truth in 'coincidental' comments to the OP about how she feels no differently about the child to the non-donated-egg child. OP I'm glad you're taking her feelings on board and hope you won't tried to dissuade her. It truly is very different helping a sister have a desperately longed for second baby after all those losses compared to "we always wanted three and it'd be nice to have a sibling of similar age" etc. That would feel totally different to me as a donor and at 42, I can understand her thinking that you should be happy with what you have. It might even make her sad that what she's given hasn't fulfilled you and you still want more. It's not about destroying a third baby, more that those embryos were there to help you have your second. Who you have. I would talk to her for sure, but also get whatever support you need to realise your family is complete. You didn't always think you'd have three DC after all. Amidst the heartache, you must have felt like you would only have one.

Thank you for your comments. I think counselling would be a very good step for me moving forwards

@FourTeaFallOut

Yes, all this reaching out and having a discussion does sound like a switch in tactic to achieve the same aim.

Absolutely not. When 95% of people tell me I'm being selfish and need to respect her opinions, it hits home

Can't believe this wasn't spoken about. It's really hard when you donate eggs to a relative. Although there isn't supposed to be, you often find yourself thinking what if ? You must redirect her wishes. You have 2 lovely children. You're luckier than some.

Your sister has proven herself to be an incredible, selfless person. Look for an egg donor who is happy for you to bring a child of hers into the world. Don't put her through this after what she has already done for you - it was way beyond what many women would give another. There is likely to be more going on for her emotionally than she is telling you about, otherwise why would she protest.

She has done something so very selfless, kind and generous and you are throwing that back in her face by deriding her wishes now.

She is absolutely entitled to decide (morally). Implanting would be a heinous thing to do when she has said no.

I really dislike the notion of genetic material/embryos as property. It's not a possession it's a potential life that has enormous emotional implications for the donor.

You need to be grateful for the sacrifice she has made already and not take the piss pushing for more. I love my sister dearly but there's no fucking way I'd be willing to have a child that is biologically mine raised as hers.

Hi OP. This sounds like a really difficult situation, I really feel for you and hope that whatever happens, everything works out ok for all of you.

I think even if she initially said she was fine with you having more than one live birth using her eggs, or didn't say she wasn't, she's more than entitled to change her mind over time. This is a really emotionally complex situation where it's really hard to predict how you'll feel about it months and years down the line.

When I was younger, I did one egg donation cycle. At first, I felt completely 100% confident in my decision to do it, but as time passed I started to feel deeply uncomfortable. I can't really say why, I'm sure it was something to do with having my own DS. As it turns out, my donation didn't result in any pregnancies, and I feel absolutely horrified with myself for being relieved as it must have caused the recipient pain. My feelings about it are complicated and not something I want to discuss much. It may be that your sister also has complex feelings on it and doesn't want to risk hurting you by being open about finding it harder or different to how she expected.

I'm really sorry because I can hear from your posts how much you want another baby, but imho if she says no, that should be the absolute end of the matter.

@shreddednips

Hi OP. This sounds like a really difficult situation, I really feel for you and hope that whatever happens, everything works out ok for all of you.

I think even if she initially said she was fine with you having more than one live birth using her eggs, or didn't say she wasn't, she's more than entitled to change her mind over time. This is a really emotionally complex situation where it's really hard to predict how you'll feel about it months and years down the line.

When I was younger, I did one egg donation cycle. At first, I felt completely 100% confident in my decision to do it, but as time passed I started to feel deeply uncomfortable. I can't really say why, I'm sure it was something to do with having my own DS. As it turns out, my donation didn't result in any pregnancies, and I feel absolutely horrified with myself for being relieved as it must have caused the recipient pain. My feelings about it are complicated and not something I want to discuss much. It may be that your sister also has complex feelings on it and doesn't want to risk hurting you by being open about finding it harder or different to how she expected.

I'm really sorry because I can hear from your posts how much you want another baby, but imho if she says no, that should be the absolute end of the matter.

Thank you for sharing your experience. You're right - as heartbreaking as it would be to destroy our embryos, there's no way I could have another transfer against her wishes - not in a million years x

Perhaps your sister was willing to consent to you using multiple embryos if it was needed in order for you to have one live baby, but not to use multiple embryos to produce multiple babies (which are / will be her biological children)?

Is your sister older or younger? Either way, maybe she's realised she's too old to have any more children herself - even if she doesn't want them, it can be hard to accept that chapter of your life is over and thus she is struggling to get her head round the idea of you having another one of her children.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

I disagree with the majority. I don't think it's reasonable to object when she offered to be a donor in the first place, signed over ownership to the OP and the embryos already exist and will be wasted otherwise. If the OP had had a stranger donate eggs, she would be now be able to make a decision to expand her own family. In objecting, the sister is making a choice on the size of the OP's family which OP should be deciding. Now I'm not advocating that she just go ahead anyway and she should get to the bottom of why her sister isn't happy and see if it can be resolved. In all honesty I don't think she is being fair though and whatever happens, the relationship will have gone a bit pear-shaped.

I agree with this.

The sister volunteered her eggs she should not have done this without specifically saying she only wanted the op to have 1 child, as the OP said she would not have agreed if this had been discussed at the start. Both sisters should have had a clear discussion obviously but at the end of the day she did donate the eggs for her sister to use.

I think I’d give it a couple of days and speak to her again. Have a clear discussion on why she assumed you would stop after 1 child and you thought this was covered in the counselling sessions with the clinic. Obviously apologise for not talking to her first but explain that you didn’t think it would be an issue given she volunteered the use of her eggs in the first place and had you known then you would have preferred to go with a stranger donation. I’d explain right now it feels like she has control over how many children you now have to stop at which wasn’t something you expected and that you also feel hurt by her response.

Personally if I’d donated eggs then it would be up to the person who I’d donated them to on how many children they have I certainly wouldn’t withdraw consent unless I was worried about the safety of any child born.

@Pouragandt If you used the embryos (which are yours) your sister wouldn't be told. So....you could always have a 'miracle baby.'

So....you could always have a 'miracle baby.'

Jesus.

[quote me4real]@Pouragandt If you used the embryos (which are yours) your sister wouldn't be told. So....you could always have a 'miracle baby.' [/quote]
If a baby is born via donor conception in the UK, the donor(s) are informed via the HFEA. Not identifying details, but they know each time a person exists from their donation.

Firstly I'm sorry for your losses 

I do feel for you because if you'd used an anonymous donor you'd perhaps still have a few embryos left and could move forward with a 3rd child. It is unfortunate that this issue has only just surfaced. I do think you need to respect your sisters wishes because presumably she wouldn't stop you using another embryo if she didn't have strong feelings against it - I do suspect it's either because she has found the donation hard or she would of herself liked a third. Though I would have another conversation like @BlondeRaven has suggested before completely giving up on the idea.

Is it possible for you to use another egg donor for a 3rd?

@Pouragandt That could possibly be a bit unconvincing if you needed the donor egg I guess (though I had a friend who had a child through IVF and then went on to have another LO naturally.)

You could have IVF 'again.'?

[quote me4real]@Pouragandt If you used the embryos (which are yours) your sister wouldn't be told. So....you could always have a 'miracle baby.' [/quote]
I can’t actually believe anyone would suggest this .