My wife left me after checking my phone.

[Hipduptogphit9]

M35 married F38 together 9 years and married 2 years.
I confess to an 11 year porn addiction.
My wife found evidence on my phone and I came clean.
I hadn’t payed her attention for the last year. I haven’t wanted real sex. The porn was my obsession and the only way I’d have a libido. I used it several times a day. I’m desensitised and have death grip. It made me embarrassed so I avoided intimacy. I looked at porn that got my curiosity. Things I wouldn’t do in real life or expect my wife to experiment with. I didn’t see her like that.
now my wife has left me since finding my only fans account, I admit I spoke to some of the ladies for content. I didn’t care about them or cheat physically. It was sex talk and cams only. No feelings. She feels betrayed that it was only fans and the repeat subscriptions for the same ladies. I had no intention of meeting anyone. It was all digital fantasy I hid from shame.
Now she has left I miss her and our children so much and I understand what I did was wrong. I should have wanted sex with her instead. I told her I want to sort it out and work on my issues. I registered for therapy to show I’m serious. I deleted every porn account and bought a basic phone so no more smart phone or internet access to tempt me. I don’t want to use porn anymore. I’d do anything to have my family back instead. I regret it all. I don’t know why I did it so much but I never saw it as anything but fantasy.
I have low self esteem and never believed women liked me. I started the porn when I was single and it gave me an ego boost. If I needed a pick me up I would use it again even though we had a really good sex life in our first 4 years together. I took her for granted when she picked me as her husband because she is the best wife anyone could ask for and I thrown it away for nothing.
she doesn’t trust me and I understand that. I want to prove to her I love her and won’t do it again but she says she doesn’t believe me and wants space for 2 weeks. I want my family back. I miss putting my children to bed and having evenings with my wife.
What do I do to save my marriage? I can’t face the possibility of her never coming back to me. How do I regain her trust? Do I beg and pled? Write a letter? Or just give her space and wait for her? Please help

You have entered the Find out part of the process.

There would be no coming back from
this if it were me. And I completely understand some posters saying they couldn’t fancy their partners after this.

It’s not my laptop so I am not going to look at porn. I am being monitored anyway. My friends wife doesn’t want me here but I have nowhere else to go.

What do you think would help to improve the situation for your wife and children?

Why do you think that you deserve another chance with your wife?

What do you think the impact of your behaviour has been on your wife?

I think that you are being willfully and deliberately naïve/ignorant to have the audacity to say that you did not realise that engaging the services of a sex worker would be regarding as cheating Pull the other one, it's got bells on!

Good reason or not, it’s unacceptable behaviour. The right course of action would be to have a conversation on the back of “good reason”.

He could have very private material (diary, mental health / medical notes etc) on his phone and no-one has the right to look at such items just because they “have good reason”.

Unless you are of far below average intelligence - far, far below - you did know it was cheating. If you can't tell the truth to strangers on the internet, how are you going to give your wife the honesty she deserves?

This attitude is totally bizarre in this scenario - of course snooping on your partner's phone isn't acceptable, but that harm can be outweighed and it's not an absolute rule. It's outweighed when someone is cheating and in many other scenarios. Imagine if you thought your partner was planning some sort of harm to someone, like an attack - would you be saying "sit them down and talk about it!"?

Making this about a snooping partner is right out of any cheater's playbook - "I've fucked up but so have you, by looking at my phone after all the gaslighting I've done! That makes us equally bad!" And I say this as someone who has never, ever looked at my partner's phone without asking.

@Hipduptogphit9 if you moved two hours away what are you doing about your job, your money, providing for your children? Try concentrating on providing rather than trying to get her back for the moment.

If this is real why did you come onto MN to seek advice? Do you just want women to somehow give you advice on how to convince another woman to stupidly forgive a complete loser?

Leave her alone, try to be a better father than you've been a partner and fgs don't subject any other woman to this immature twattery.

So happy for your wife!! I stayed with a porn addict for 7 years, always hoping he would change. I finally left him a few years ago and my life absolutely blossomed!! I’m 10x more confident, have a way sexier man who is an absolute animal in bed, my salary more than doubled and I am so, so happy. I hope your wife gets to experience all of this and more after leaving you.

You’re doing therapy and changing phones now because you are FINALLY feeling the consequences of your actions and your porn use is now affecting YOU and YOUR comfort. You didn’t give a fuck when your wife was lonely and neglected.

Play stupid games and all that!

You aren’t going to get your wife back, she’s left you which is quite understandable.

All you can do now is try to make a success of the rest of your life and be a decent father and human. You are just wasting resources thinking that you are going to rekindle a relationship. Presumably you aren’t going to be able to stay with this friend for long so use the time more wisely.

Sort your finances out. Address your addiction to porn and seek help for it. Find somewhere to live where you can have your children to stay.

This is gold!

You didnt realise paying for live sex cam girls would be considered cheating?
What if you wife told you, "sos you cant turn me on anymore, only the live boys can do that"? Youd be devastated no doubt

Brilliant! 👏🤣👏🤣

Is it not even seen as taboo anymore? Do men not even bother to try and hide it anymore?

Ahh yes of course. Porn is grim but its not cheating in my opinion but I think it can be a sign that things in the bedroom area won't be all that great if they already watch a lot before a relationship begins. What a world it would be if we didn't have it. Great marital relations, protection from sex trafficking for women, children staying children for longer and not being exposed to vile content. One can only dream!

I don’t think so. 😫 I don’t find porn as cheating but at least do it in private.

To publicly have it on display you’re having to pay to interact sexually with woman or following prostitutes offering their services on social media is mortifying. Not to mention highly disrespectful of their partner.

I don’t know how they aren’t embarrassed. I once briefly dated another one who had a teenage daughter and was following 18 year old sexual accounts. 😷 Nonce screams to mind. Ended things with him too as soon as I noticed.

I don't do a lot of social media so I'm missing out on all this stuff. I find it really grim though that a man would follow sex workers on social media. At least them doing it made it easy for you to spot them and make a swift escape! I have nothing against sex workers do what you like for a living but I wouldn't want to be with a man who thinks it it ok to use sex workers. It just feeds into the narrative that we are objects and not people. Someone who uses people like that is not likely to be a good partner are they? I'm guessing they don't have a lot of respect for women.🙄