My wife left me after checking my phone.

[Hipduptogphit9]

M35 married F38 together 9 years and married 2 years.
I confess to an 11 year porn addiction.
My wife found evidence on my phone and I came clean.
I hadn’t payed her attention for the last year. I haven’t wanted real sex. The porn was my obsession and the only way I’d have a libido. I used it several times a day. I’m desensitised and have death grip. It made me embarrassed so I avoided intimacy. I looked at porn that got my curiosity. Things I wouldn’t do in real life or expect my wife to experiment with. I didn’t see her like that.
now my wife has left me since finding my only fans account, I admit I spoke to some of the ladies for content. I didn’t care about them or cheat physically. It was sex talk and cams only. No feelings. She feels betrayed that it was only fans and the repeat subscriptions for the same ladies. I had no intention of meeting anyone. It was all digital fantasy I hid from shame.
Now she has left I miss her and our children so much and I understand what I did was wrong. I should have wanted sex with her instead. I told her I want to sort it out and work on my issues. I registered for therapy to show I’m serious. I deleted every porn account and bought a basic phone so no more smart phone or internet access to tempt me. I don’t want to use porn anymore. I’d do anything to have my family back instead. I regret it all. I don’t know why I did it so much but I never saw it as anything but fantasy.
I have low self esteem and never believed women liked me. I started the porn when I was single and it gave me an ego boost. If I needed a pick me up I would use it again even though we had a really good sex life in our first 4 years together. I took her for granted when she picked me as her husband because she is the best wife anyone could ask for and I thrown it away for nothing.
she doesn’t trust me and I understand that. I want to prove to her I love her and won’t do it again but she says she doesn’t believe me and wants space for 2 weeks. I want my family back. I miss putting my children to bed and having evenings with my wife.
What do I do to save my marriage? I can’t face the possibility of her never coming back to me. How do I regain her trust? Do I beg and pled? Write a letter? Or just give her space and wait for her? Please help

Yes he came here to ask advice from other women, mostly, as to how to handle this situation. If he had asked in a men's forum he would probably get more sympathy.

He wants to change and get his wife and family back together.

After you've all laid into him for his poor choices, he is still a human being in a very difficult place. You've all made your point and told him what you think. That will make his shame worse - but maybe he needed that to hit bottom.

Not all women see men looking at porn to satisfy themselves as cheating. I doubt he had any emotional connection to these women or ever thought about leaving his wife, but as he admits the addiction took over and his intimacy with his wife suffered.

Porn addiction is huge now. There is help and all he can do is get the help, and hope his wife can accept he has made a real change and will have him back.

It's very easy to criticise an addict, be it porn, alcohol or drugs. For those of us not addicted to anything, it's difficult to understand the path people have been down. We have no idea what has gone on in this guy's life to lead him to this addiction.

If there is any good to come from this he has realised he has a problem and has to change,

I don't want to be too negative, but I think you've blown it for good. At this stage, your brains needs a massive long-term rewiring. Either forget your wife and kids and get back into porn, or join a silent monastery for 10 years and try and fix your mind.

This is the most self serving bullshit. You "didn't know it was considered cheating" to pay specific women to give you sexual pleasure? You seriously thought no partner could possibly be upset that you might do that? (Though you still didn't tell her it's what you were doing instead having sex with her.)

Don't beg her. You are far to damaged to be in a relationship. And honestly, if you believe the stuff you've written here, I'm not sure there's any hope for you. That sort of misogyny tends not to really go away, it's always there underneath even if you learn to paper over it and put on a good show.

In all that time when you were neglecting her and seeking relief on the Internet, did you ever stop and think "What will make her life better? Is there anything I can do to make her happy today? What can I do to show her how much I love her?" not because it was her birthday or she'd done something for you or the like, but just because she was your life partner who you were supposed to love and you wanted, more than anything, for her to have a good life?

Eeeeuuurgh.
Good for her.

You didn't realise it was a problem until your wife found out? Hmmmmmm...

Didn't realise it was a problem yet kept it secret. Skint yet had money to pay 'ladies' on only fans,

You are sorry you were caught, not sorry you did what you did and 'poor self esteem' is no excuse for being complicit in the abuse of vulnerable women and girls.

If I was your wife I would be more concerned about the rank misogyny that must run through you like a stick of rock to think that using other women like this is ok. It is abusive and vile and not cheating so much as displaying a very weak and malignant character.

It’s difficult to see that you could win your wife back, you did kill off all intimacy between you with your porn use. You put your own satisfaction above your wife’s and left her in the cold for years, pretty selfish behaviour. Then she had to get suspicious, snoop around and confront you about it, awful work as a husband.

And if it was really dubious stuff you were watching your wife might never see you in the same light ever again and might not really want you around the kids any more.
Only fans would be a deal breaker for me to be honest. It’s only one step away from visiting an actual prostitute which is as good as slavery for me, but I guess your wife once loved you, that must be in your favour.

Things you could change:
Learn to drive
Save up money for your family’s financial security
Give your wife full access to your finances so she can see where your money is going and can reassure herself it’s not going on OF.
Be an excellent involved father
Be completely open with all your friends and family why you split up (if that’s what your wife wants) and shoulder the blame.
Go to addiction rehab
Go to marriage therapy together and don’t weasel out of your responsibilities.
Expect this to take years.

Personally, you sound like a liability in a lot of areas, but I don’t know the whole picture and as I said, your wife did once love you so there must have been something great between you.

By the way, if you reject your wife to indulge in porn, it’s absolutely cheating. And I think you knew that.

If she doesn’t take you back it will be because you cheated and are stupid. Didn’t know it was a problem or cheating? Pull the other one. Useless, selfish, narcissistic wanker. She deserves better than you, someone who loves and respects her and the children. I hope she finds that person.

When HE’S down? He deserves no sympathy.

I hope this is sarcasm.

I think a heartfelt apology and letter is probably the best way. That way it doesn't devolve into an argument because she will be, understandably, very defensive. Pour your heart out. What you have done is awful, but alot of men have done far worse. I don't believe it is cheating, but it's lying and taking your wife for granted. You don't know what you've got until it's gone right? I think you and her can come back from this with the right space, help and counselling.

🤣🤣🤣👏👏👏

Hi OP, for me one of the worst things is that you’ve used money that should have been spent on your family, to pay for cam girls. You say you haven’t got anything, so this must mean they’ve been going without.

Or perhaps your wife is the main earner? If so, she will have been carrying you for years, I imagine. And during this time, you’ve denied her a sex life and been mentally absent from your marriage. If I was in her position I’m afraid I wouldn’t hesitate to leave.

You need therapy. Too many porn sick losers with death grip who can’t get it up for an actual woman. I wouldn’t do it expecting forgiveness though

You sound a bit of a loser to be honest. Get your ass back down to where your kids are. Work multiple jobs to get money to pay for them and most importantly, set them!!!! You sound like you’re seeking pity, you need to step up!!!

How have you spent all your money when you have 2 weeks until pay day? Surely not of and porn?

It wasn't "just looking at porn" though.
It was paying for specific content to be created by his chosen prostitutes or if you prefer the euphemism content creators (though they really are just prostitutes) and every woman i know would call that cheating.
Also he didn't just satisfy himself he completely abandoned and neglected his wife whilst wasting family money on his whores.
Whether he physically touched them or not is irrelevant the betrayal is as bad if not worse than had he had his affairs with women in real life rather than over the Internet.
Add to all of that tge way hes spoken about those women and the fact that he would pay them to do the sort of degrading things that he'd never ask his wife to do and you have a deeply misogynistic man who has deep seated perversion and fetishes that doesn't see these women as real people with feelings nor does he care about the harm hes caused them or his wife.
Basically hes a walking red flag who still can't accept how wrong he is and wants us to help him drag his stxw back into the abusive relationship that he created and you want to lecture us about not being kind enough to him or being cool enough to say oh its only a bit of porn!
You do realise what all of that says about the sort of man you are right?

I’ve been in this position and we have got through it.

please stop giving her ultimatums, I found out about my DH problem with porn / escorts on the 4th June. He actually broke down and told me because he was feeling unwell.

I asked for space, he moved out that night and he’s still not back home. I could see past what he had done however he showed me every single day the work he was putting in.

tell her every day what you are doing to get better, act on it, my husband joined SAA, he did a meeting every day, he got a short term let, he went to the doctor and got on the waiting list for intense CBT, in the meantime he went to a private psychiatrist. Every day he would ask something small, a walk with me, a coffee, a hug, after a few weeks after my anger had gone I wanted him back into the house, NOT to live but just his presence, to have dinner, to watch a film. But he always went back to his. You need to show her upmost respect in this, listen to what she needs, listen to her anger, PUT the work in. Don’t drink, don’t put pressure on.

october now and my DH still isn’t home. He stays here a lot, and I’ve said by Christmas I think im ready.

what you’ve done has broken her heart. She needs to get better and heal, it may be without you or it may be with you. But work out your next moves very carefully, listen to her.

It’s not real.

no access to OF? Well yes, he does. On the laptop!

You are a fool. You've thrown your life away. I had to get rid of my ex husband for the same reason. We had a wonderful life before the porn and fetish started then it all just went to shit. Now he's living in his shitty bedsit with his porn and all he is is a massive loser. I have my own home and my family.

If you have moved two hours away to stay with a friend how are you working?

you had money for only fans but you couldn’t afford a bus or train ticket to go and see your children? Do you have a date in the diary to see the kids? (if not then why?!?)

have you spoken to your kids in the last two weeks? FaceTime or call? If not why?

If I was your wife and you were having a pity party whilst making no effort to see/speak to the children and I was managing everything 24/7 then I would be quickly realising that I didn’t need you for anything. Once someone becomes comfortable living alone, raising the kids alone and not having the emotional stress of a man child in the house it makes the chances of getting back together slim.

Do the therapy, become a better person and be the best father you can be. That is all you can hope for.

Agree. I don't think men actually describe themselves as having a death grip!

OP, while I don't want to be unpleasant or kick you while you're down, it doesn't sound like you've brought anything positive to your wife's life for a long time. If she's been doing most of the parenting, carrying you financially and being faithful while you've effectively been cheating on her and rejecting her, then how does getting back with you benefit her at all?

She has one life and she deserves to live it to the full, not be treated as a 'service' human being for someone else. I hope eventually she finds someone who brings love, laughter, fun and faithfulness to her life.

I really don't think a man wrote that original post.....but assuming that it is..... Give her space and work on yourself for now, perhaps with some outside help.

There are many errors in life there is no coming back from. That's why people need to think better about the consequences of the choices they make as they choose them.

It is unfair to think you can choose what works for you at the time at the detriment of others and then expect others to move on when that person has finally decided they are ready to do so themselves.

Especially when the reason they are suddenly ready is because of how it affects them...it's all about me me me.

You might be genuine, and she might believe you, but she might not, and if that's the case, it's tough. Learn from your errors.

Ultimately, if you really want to change, stop thinking of what you should be doing or not doing purely based on the impact on you, ignoring those toy claim to love. True love is about putting the needs of others first before you even consider yours. Are you capable of this?