My wife left me after checking my phone.

[Hipduptogphit9]

M35 married F38 together 9 years and married 2 years.
I confess to an 11 year porn addiction.
My wife found evidence on my phone and I came clean.
I hadn’t payed her attention for the last year. I haven’t wanted real sex. The porn was my obsession and the only way I’d have a libido. I used it several times a day. I’m desensitised and have death grip. It made me embarrassed so I avoided intimacy. I looked at porn that got my curiosity. Things I wouldn’t do in real life or expect my wife to experiment with. I didn’t see her like that.
now my wife has left me since finding my only fans account, I admit I spoke to some of the ladies for content. I didn’t care about them or cheat physically. It was sex talk and cams only. No feelings. She feels betrayed that it was only fans and the repeat subscriptions for the same ladies. I had no intention of meeting anyone. It was all digital fantasy I hid from shame.
Now she has left I miss her and our children so much and I understand what I did was wrong. I should have wanted sex with her instead. I told her I want to sort it out and work on my issues. I registered for therapy to show I’m serious. I deleted every porn account and bought a basic phone so no more smart phone or internet access to tempt me. I don’t want to use porn anymore. I’d do anything to have my family back instead. I regret it all. I don’t know why I did it so much but I never saw it as anything but fantasy.
I have low self esteem and never believed women liked me. I started the porn when I was single and it gave me an ego boost. If I needed a pick me up I would use it again even though we had a really good sex life in our first 4 years together. I took her for granted when she picked me as her husband because she is the best wife anyone could ask for and I thrown it away for nothing.
she doesn’t trust me and I understand that. I want to prove to her I love her and won’t do it again but she says she doesn’t believe me and wants space for 2 weeks. I want my family back. I miss putting my children to bed and having evenings with my wife.
What do I do to save my marriage? I can’t face the possibility of her never coming back to me. How do I regain her trust? Do I beg and pled? Write a letter? Or just give her space and wait for her? Please help

You've acted like a piece of shit to her so leave her alone and deal with your punishment. This post is all about you and your feelings.

Let her go, dude. She’d have no kind of life with you.

It’s not her problem that you miss the ease of your cozy domestic setup and now have to look after yourself.

It’s nothing to do with her whether you quit porn or not.

She’s seen your grim OnlyFans and your seedy grovelling chats with webcam girls and never mind the betrayal, she will never get over the revulsion.

You were perfectly happy to ignore her and starve her of affection, attention, intimacy, partnership, respect, for as long as you could get away with it. And now suddenly she means so much to you? Give over.

IMO watching porn is not cheating. However, chatting to actual cam girls on Only Fans 100% is. If I were your wife I would be filing for divorce. Sorry OP but the best you can do is be a better dad to your children by doing the work you need to, but I think your marriage is over

The thing that would really hurt is the repeat subscriptions for the same women. That would devastate me in any circumstances, let alone when my husband wasn't wanting sex with me. That is definitely cheating in a way that general porn consumption isn't (to me; I appreciate not everyone feels that way).

I imagine she would like nothing more than to believe that you can change. For her to feel comfortable enough to give you another chance, you would need to build up enough evidence that you really have made drastic changes that could be long-lasting. That type of solution isn’t about removing temptation as it’s all around you. It’s more about committing to a programme of help and demonstrating you are following all advice given. Find help very soon. Write her one letter on pen and paper every week telling her what you have learned, what changes you have made and what progress you are
making.

Do not hassle her.

Make it clear you love and miss them all, say sorry every letter and don’t ask for anything in return.

At worst you will get to see your children, at best you may get to see your wife again and who knows where that may lead.

Good luck, and do try not to be such a bellend in future.

I think most women would agree with that. I'd consider it cheating. Any sexual activity with another person virtual or not is cheating.

Why do the 'men' who post this type of thread always do the 'M35 married F38' thing.

It's like they all learned to write using a knitting pattern.

At least 'he' hasn't told us how much housework and childcare he does (yet).

I meant that not everyone would agree that porn consumption generally isn't cheating (didn't word it very well, sorry!). In any event that's moot because he's definitely cheating with these women.

Bravo to her 👏

My ds dad was like you. Despite being an unemployed single mother at the time and he was a surgeon, I dumped him as soon as I found out.

No regrets.

If I’m dating a guy and notice they’re following large amount of OF models, instant dump.

Recently was dating a single dad who seemed nice until I found his social media. He was following local prostitutes. Didn’t even bother to end things, just a block and never contact again.

Why are you all engaging and encouraging this nonsense - its wank bank material

Would you have stopped if she didnt find out?
The cams/talking to other women i would class as cheating.
All you can do is stick to what you have told her you will do to fix things. And give her time.
Be a supportive co parent in the meantime.

Again, really? What kind of sexual fantasy do you think is being indulged by this post?

Hey, I might agree but not sure. Do you know what the specific difference is? Is it because in normal porn, the worker can't talk to the guy watching (or interact). So... As long as he didn't interact with a cam worker, is that okay? Is it because the standard porn is prerecorded? Is it only cheating when it's live? Just curious because I'm starting to wonder if we all got so normalised to standard porn, that we forgot it is cheating without advance agreement or consent. I wonder if OF is now so normalised that some men really don't see it as cheating. Maybe it needs understanding on both sides from a psychological point of view. Not condoning it but maybe some understanding will help men in this situation see the problem and actually be able to fix it. If they don't understand why it's cheating, they're less likely to refrain in future.

@Hipduptogphit9 I registered for therapy to show I’m serious. I deleted every porn account and bought a basic phone so no more smart phone or internet access to tempt me.

Except that porn, and the internet, are generally accessed from a computer.

That's not specific to men... it's just a quick, short-hand way of communicating the genders and ages of the people involved...

And if he really has no internet access, how is he posting on MN?

Goodness me, that’s an awful lot of excuses for having betrayed your wife. As the young people say, you’re now at the Finding Out stage of Fuck Around and Find Out.

Your wife doesn’t believe you? Good for her, I don’t believe you either. What are you doing on MN if you’ve got rid of your smart phone so you aren’t tempted to go on the internet? Have you actually started counselling yet? How many sessions have you had?

Leave her alone for the time she has asked you for. And please stop with the ego boost and how you had no intentions of meeting anyone. That partly makes it worse that you would break her heart just to have a wank, and it makes you look utterly pathetic for not realising that these women don’t have any interest in you. They’re only interested in the contents of your wallet.

Well - it could be women telling him that they love porn too and his wife should, or he could get off on women admonishing him - a punishment fetish, or maybe he gets off on the power he feels when women respond to his imaginative stories - all are eminently possible.
Why do you think that a 35yr old male poster with one post to their name joined MN and isn't engaging in the thread?

Not specific to men, but the men on here always do it.

Engagement farming.

I hope she realises her worth and divorces you.

Maybe kick the habit first. She has every right to leave you. You’ve realized too late what you had, shame. Don’t be a shit dad.

I actually thought it had the hallmarks of a kind of reverse, written by a woman to expose the evils of porn and humiliate and threaten those who indulge in it.

We even got the "it's because of my low self-esteem" jibe thrown in.

This is another one of those strange posts that do not ring true and where the OP never comes back.

I had to stay with a friend 2 hours away because I had no where else to go. so I haven’t seen my children since it happened 2 weeks ago. I don’t drive. I don’t have any money left until pay day.