My wife left me after checking my phone.

[Hipduptogphit9]

M35 married F38 together 9 years and married 2 years.
I confess to an 11 year porn addiction.
My wife found evidence on my phone and I came clean.
I hadn’t payed her attention for the last year. I haven’t wanted real sex. The porn was my obsession and the only way I’d have a libido. I used it several times a day. I’m desensitised and have death grip. It made me embarrassed so I avoided intimacy. I looked at porn that got my curiosity. Things I wouldn’t do in real life or expect my wife to experiment with. I didn’t see her like that.
now my wife has left me since finding my only fans account, I admit I spoke to some of the ladies for content. I didn’t care about them or cheat physically. It was sex talk and cams only. No feelings. She feels betrayed that it was only fans and the repeat subscriptions for the same ladies. I had no intention of meeting anyone. It was all digital fantasy I hid from shame.
Now she has left I miss her and our children so much and I understand what I did was wrong. I should have wanted sex with her instead. I told her I want to sort it out and work on my issues. I registered for therapy to show I’m serious. I deleted every porn account and bought a basic phone so no more smart phone or internet access to tempt me. I don’t want to use porn anymore. I’d do anything to have my family back instead. I regret it all. I don’t know why I did it so much but I never saw it as anything but fantasy.
I have low self esteem and never believed women liked me. I started the porn when I was single and it gave me an ego boost. If I needed a pick me up I would use it again even though we had a really good sex life in our first 4 years together. I took her for granted when she picked me as her husband because she is the best wife anyone could ask for and I thrown it away for nothing.
she doesn’t trust me and I understand that. I want to prove to her I love her and won’t do it again but she says she doesn’t believe me and wants space for 2 weeks. I want my family back. I miss putting my children to bed and having evenings with my wife.
What do I do to save my marriage? I can’t face the possibility of her never coming back to me. How do I regain her trust? Do I beg and pled? Write a letter? Or just give her space and wait for her? Please help

You can’t. It’s up to her. And there’s no way I’d take you back if it was me.

Make sure you actually do the therapy that you’ve registered for. Stick to your word. But only she can decide if she takes you back, but I would keep your expectations very low. I wouldn’t have you back.

Grovelling and writing letters is no use. The best thing you can do is work on your addiction until you no longer rely on porn for happiness and self esteem. You need to do for yourself, not in order to get your wife back. But if you manage, it's just possible that a resolution can happen, or at least that a proper relationship with someone else will become possible for you. Good luck.

Become a completely different person.

Oh what a waste. There's porn and then there is obsession with porn. It should have stopped as soon as you had little children (in my opinion). There shouldn't be time for only fans while looking after your wife and family, they are your priority and where your attention and money should be invested

Do her a favour and keep clear
she deserves better she’d be an absolute idiot to take you back this is disgusting

Firstly - it is cheating. Stop trying to justify that it wasn’t technically cheating just because you and the women you were chatting to weren’t in the same physical space. Would you call it cheating if your wife was wanking off to sex chat with other men?

Secondly - follow through and commit to therapy. You have a very long standing addiction and just getting rid of your phone isn’t going to be enough, you need to do the actual work to understand why you have become addicted so that you are less likely to relapse.

Thirdly - give her the space she’s asking for. If you do the work and prove to her that you are determined to change then maybe, just maybe, she will one day take you back. It won’t be anytime soon as you need to be many, many months free from the addiction before even thinking about trying to rebuild the relationship.

This is such a big betrayal involving real women and rejection of her in favour of women who could be objectified.

You aren't in a position to promise change. You don't know what will happen. She will likely feel she's been hurt enough and the children need stability rather than this possibly happening again.

She will also need to heal and that should come before your relationship.

I understand it's difficult and you miss the things you have lost and want them back. Unfortunately I don't think that's the best option for your family. The level of tension your wife would feel now, coming after a period of time where you've withdrawn from her, wouldn't make for a happy woman no matter what you said and did.

I'm sorry. I think you need to find a new path and support her as an extremely accommodating and amicable co-parent. There is a different life after this

It took getting caught and her leaving though? You didn’t want to do this before she left. You would have carried on and neglected her needs. What would have happened if she had went else where because you weren’t meeting her needs? You’d be crying that she cheated and still going to your fantasy’s. I dunno I think everyone can make mistakes, but this is classic. I’m sorry I got caught, I will change! NO! You should have seen what you had and changed for them!!!

Ugh.
You can't persuade her you're sorry. You've fucked it right up. Get some therapy for your own self, get some addiction support and try to become a better man. Forget getting your wife back, that's over.

This. The best you can do is be a great ex and a good father. And don't treat any other woman this way.

Go to therapy and get help. Dont pester her, leave her to live her life. Move forward with your life and learn from your mistakes.

You are an addict so you will need to work and work on this, and also get therapy about any underlying problems you are using porn to anaesthetise.

Now she has left , you now have all the time in the world to indulge in your porn and only fans addiction without consequence .
It as not as though you decided to change your ways., It is only because you got caught red handed that you now realise that you need help
I am glad that your wife knows her worth and has decided that she no longer wants to remain in a relationship with a ‘wanker’ ( excuse the pun)

You don’t try to find women to teach you how to manipulate your wife into taking you back for a start!

Get counselling, you can’t be a good man for her until you become a good man. If she wants you back after you sort your life out then fine, but if she doesn’t then respect her decision.

Is this AI drivel?

It’s half term

It isn't just her trust that you have to regain. Porn addiction is very unattractive. She might not fancy you any more.

So you’ve been busted Buster.

You won’t get much sympathy on here.
Keep up the therapy but don’t hold your breath she’ll ever ever take you back.

For sure I wouldn’t.

Jesus, so she went a long time being rejected by you and then discovered you prefer porn and other women. Ouchhhh, that’s a massive blow to her, she must be heartbroken and devastated. I bet her esteem is through the floor and to think you paid out family money to do this to her! That poor poor woman, my heart goes out to her, you not only betrayed her but stabbed her in the back too.

For her sake I hope she doesn’t take you back, it will cost her, her self respect too, after she has already lost so much.

You do sound like you’ve learned your lesson though…..maybe…maybe not. Work on yourself, be a better human being. Regardless that you was a terrible husband, hopefully you will step up for the mother of your children and be a good dad.

Wish you the best of luck lad, but I think you might have blown this one. If she takes you back, you have so much grovelling to do, I don’t think you’d be able to keep up :(

Never understood this type of post, do people really think teenagers spend their school holidays making fake posts on Mumsnet??

I feel for you tbh.

There are aspects of modern life that weren't there previously - facial plastic surgery, super fast vibrators, alcohol marketed deliberately at women, strangling women in porn, death grip porn use from men, violent video games making young males more violent, use of steroids in gym men, youngsters taking ketamine and ending up in pads at 20, people doing OnlyFans - none of this is positive for mankind.

In my mind, you are just one example of some of the ways life has been degraded, and these are the types of consequences we are seeing.

I am hoping you can get things back together tho, because to me - just because you are one of these folks suffering one of these ills, doesn't mean you are a write off and that's it for you. Be a part of the change of tide instead - be one of those men who f*cked up but then turned his life around.

Here is what I would do if I were you -

Give your wife the space she has asked for.
While she is away, get stuck into your problems, for yourself.
Open your laptop and start exploring WHY you got to this place.
Get some professional help.
You have essentially cheated on your wife all this time - why?
The problems that brought you to that need to be resolved.

When your wife comes to you to talk, as will probably happen, you can then say about the progress you have made. You must make that progress for you, with or without her.

You cannot make her fall in love with you again, after the way you have treated her. And your sex life is going to have to start again right at the beginning.

How do you feel about the fact that she had to catch you for it to stop?

It is good that it has come to light however.....the sooner it is resolved, the better.

What do you mean you miss putting your children to bed? Why aren't you seeing your children?

Look. I dislike porn on the whole but only fans and cam girls is another thing entirely. You communicated with, and paid a sex worker to get yourself off. It shouldn't have been a surprise that this is a boundary most people wouldn't except.

The only thing you can do. Is SHOW her you are a good man. SHOW her you have changed. Look after your mental and physical health. Sort out your addiction issues. Take responsibility. Give her the space she asks for. Support your children financially and physically. Be the best co-parent you can be and MAYBE you can earn her respect and trust again.

Exactly what I said. Also I wouldn’t be able to look at him the same way at all. I’d be totally unattracted to him and be feeling sick, feeling I’d married a complete creep!!!!

Why aren't you parenting your kids? Make arrangements with their mother for you to do your half of parenting and leave her alone about anything else.

You're asking a huge amount-for her to overlook your use of sex workers, your choice to reject her, and expecting her to find you attractive and safe after all that?

What do you bring to the marriage, how did you enhance her life and make it easier and fun?