My wife left me after checking my phone.

[Hipduptogphit9]

M35 married F38 together 9 years and married 2 years.
I confess to an 11 year porn addiction.
My wife found evidence on my phone and I came clean.
I hadn’t payed her attention for the last year. I haven’t wanted real sex. The porn was my obsession and the only way I’d have a libido. I used it several times a day. I’m desensitised and have death grip. It made me embarrassed so I avoided intimacy. I looked at porn that got my curiosity. Things I wouldn’t do in real life or expect my wife to experiment with. I didn’t see her like that.
now my wife has left me since finding my only fans account, I admit I spoke to some of the ladies for content. I didn’t care about them or cheat physically. It was sex talk and cams only. No feelings. She feels betrayed that it was only fans and the repeat subscriptions for the same ladies. I had no intention of meeting anyone. It was all digital fantasy I hid from shame.
Now she has left I miss her and our children so much and I understand what I did was wrong. I should have wanted sex with her instead. I told her I want to sort it out and work on my issues. I registered for therapy to show I’m serious. I deleted every porn account and bought a basic phone so no more smart phone or internet access to tempt me. I don’t want to use porn anymore. I’d do anything to have my family back instead. I regret it all. I don’t know why I did it so much but I never saw it as anything but fantasy.
I have low self esteem and never believed women liked me. I started the porn when I was single and it gave me an ego boost. If I needed a pick me up I would use it again even though we had a really good sex life in our first 4 years together. I took her for granted when she picked me as her husband because she is the best wife anyone could ask for and I thrown it away for nothing.
she doesn’t trust me and I understand that. I want to prove to her I love her and won’t do it again but she says she doesn’t believe me and wants space for 2 weeks. I want my family back. I miss putting my children to bed and having evenings with my wife.
What do I do to save my marriage? I can’t face the possibility of her never coming back to me. How do I regain her trust? Do I beg and pled? Write a letter? Or just give her space and wait for her? Please help

There is nothing left to save in your marriage as you have destroyed it in every way possible. Your apologies mean nothing at this point, as there years of betrayal behind it. You have a long journey of recovery ahead of you and it's not going to be easy. Don't burden your family with your issues, more than you already have. Let her live her life peacefully. She will herself have to seek therapy to undo all that you put her through. Divorce your wife, start therapy, save money, put in the hardwork, and eventually look into visitation for children. Stop playing victim.

This 🤣🤣
I think she'll hard pass, as she bloody should. Grim.

Howling laughing 🤣

You need to grow up. How are you 35 years old with no money and don’t drive? Medical condition notwithstanding, start taking some responsibility for your poor life choices.

Go to therapy, admit what you’ve done is a massive betrayal to your wife and demonstrates an extremely poor moral contribution to society in general, learn how to save money and get your shit together.

Do not harass your wife except to contribute to co-parenting. No where else to go and no money? Should have thought of that before you got busted. You’re not going to get any sympathy here.

What you are experiencing are called consequences. Deal with them.

It's good to know some of my twisted talent sometimes hits the mark 😇

<Checks calendar for next blue moon>

You’re a cheat and I don’t blame her for leaving you. I would too.

And no internet but posting on MN?

You’re also a liar and I have no doubt, if this is real, you would have carried on as you were if you hadn’t have been caught.

Leave her alone.

Agree.
How on earth can she recover her trust in you after something like this?? You’ve said you’re one person but really you aren’t that person- you’re someone who has no respect for his wife and has actively deceived her. What would be in it for her to take you back??
You’re looking at the entire thing from your own perspective- just like you did in your marriage. Problem is; you actually agreed to be married which means being a trusting partner for the other person involved. You didn’t do that; and not just once- but for really the entire time. You need to do some real work on yourself - you’re very ignorant of the reality of your life to be honest.

OP, it was NOT 'digital fantasy', you were using anonymous but very real women for sexual gratification. They exist. Some of them probably live in utter squalor, have kids to look after and can find no other way to earn a bit of money and support their children. Others may have a long history of sexual abuse and exploitation. They're not digital fantasies just because they gratify YOUR fantasy. They're real and I consider your use of them, abuse.

That's on top of cheating on your wife and keeping this all a secret. If you couldn't feel sexual without porn and exploiting vulnerable women online then you should have had it all out with your wife. I really hope she doesn't take you back. Maybe if you seek addiction therapy for your porn addiction you might manage to work your way back to a situation where she's happy for you to see your children, but frankly I wouldn't want you to.

(this is all on the off-chance that this OP is in good faith, of course...)

Actually do the therapy. Show you are serious.

🤣🤣🤣 oh god

I see why he hasn't answered my question about what specifically he brings to the marriage.
That Trombolese song is in my head now.

@Hipduptogphit9 to be honest you don’t sound like a great catch - you can’t drive, have little money left & spend what you have spare on private messages on OnlyFans (I presume there is a cost for these). Men are always remorseful when they get caught - if you hadn’t been caught you would have just carried on. I don’t blame your wife.

Yes. I had become caught up in a web and didn’t realise the extent until my wife found out. I didn’t know it was considered cheating or that it was a problem before then. I didn’t do it to intentionally deceive her, it was a coping mechanism for old wounds and I was embarrassed so that’s why I did it secretly. Now I do know it’s wrong and I’m glad it came out so I can stop using it and be a better husband.

I am using my friends laptop. I do not have any direct access with my phone which is my only device and it’s not a smart phone. I can not access porn even if I wanted to.

I'm afraid you had many years to get help for your addiction and it's only when your wife had enough and left that you think you should change. It's too late. She deserves better. You didn't think about her when you were messaging OF girls.

I’d bet you’d think it was cheating if your wife was spending family money ‘talking’ to muscled tattooed men online instead of showing you any affection.

Didn’t know it was cheating my arse.

get yourself back on the straight and narrow then make sure your next wife or partner isn’t in the habit of checking your phone. That’d be a serious breach of trust in my books

I can't see a bloke on his mates laptop writing about this on MN.

And your other post, porn and paying for women is a coping mechanism for old wounds? Heard it all now - but you are playing the victim. You didn't think it was cheating? You're responsible for everything and if you go to your wife with this victim mentality you may just get your arse handed to you on a plate. Quite rightly too.

You’ve never been honest with her, your sordid porn thing predates her. Let her go. You’ll only lie again, in my opinion. She’s never been your priority. You are a selfish man.

Yuck

Sort yourself and your addiction out and leave this poor woman in peace, look at fixing yourself and then once you're in recovery and have had extensive therapy you can consider asking her to consider dating or something, you can't ignore her, be a terrible partner and expect just because you confessed she should auck it up.

Do better.

Your porn addiction was longer than your relationship.
You have death grip and are desensitised to sex.
You've signed up to OF and paid for cam girls.
You haven't paid your wife attention for a year (half your marriage) or wanted sex.

Don't leave your coffee alone for too long and then be surprised it's cold (this isn't about the coffee).

I sent you a PM.

Dear Hen House,

I am a fox who has recently ate and murdered several of your colleagues. Following this, I got shot by the farmer and am now starving to death, cold and alone, in my burrow. As a result of all this - particularly the bit where I got caught - I now feel terribly bad about the entire episode.

Could you please give me some advice on how to stop eating chickens.

Thanks in advance

Twat. E. Fox

The only thing you can do is to get completely clean of porn for yourself. Regardless of whether she will accept you back, you need to want it for yourself.
You need to feel most empowered and most self esteem and most worthwhile about never viewing porn ever again.
Prove it to yourself, for yourself.

Seek help; put the work in.

Once clean for a year or two your wife might consider starting afresh.
In the meantime concentrate on being an excellent and reliable father. You don't give your children the ick yet.

If your wife never takes you back, don't be surprised that no woman wishes to engage with you either.

Women do not want to compete. They don't need a cheater, emotional, digital, real life etc.
Commitment from a real life partner is gold standard and what everyone deserves.
Do YOU want to be an honest and gold standard partner?

You didn’t think it was a problem or cheating before your wife found out? What a load of nonsense. Why are you lying to strangers on the internet?

Yeah, just imagine the scene.

Hey Rob, can I borrow your laptop please?
Sure mate. You on OF again you wanker?
No. Definitely not. I need it so I can set up a Mumsnet profile and ask 8 million women how I can be a better man.