39 years stolen by kindness, I don't know where to put my rage or process

[MoonSilverwing]

In June I lost 39 years of a partnership, through what turns out to be the crulest kindness I have ever experianced. Not by a bad man, a kind man, a man who loved me in his way as a friend. A man who, after 10 years together, was offered two choices, neither of which would have taken me out of his life.

We had been togther 10 years (since I was 18 and he 23) We had known each other as friends since I was 13 and he 18. At 28 I said I wanted to have children with him. I said I understood if he didn't want children (he'd said as much before) and if that was his choice then I would go to a sperm bank. However if I did the latter, then he and I couldn't be a couple anymore but I would always be his friend and in each other's lives if he still wanted.

He thought about it for a week and then said, ok, lets have kids together. I thought that meant he loved me like I did him. I thought he hung the moon and stars and, I don't know, I never imagined he didn't want that life with me, he said yes right?

Right. Wrong. The kindest man in my life was it turns out a people pleaser. He knew how protective I was of being able to make my own choices in life. He knew, he knew me.

3 children and 2 months off our 39th anniversary together I sat him down to talk. Really talk because he was quiet man. Were there red flags during those years? Absolutely. I thought it was me. why did he never reach for me first, why was it always me? why did he think me carry our child made me unattractive, he never said but I could see it. I thought a man would see the miracle, our child, growing inside me and a man would find that beautiful. So when he didn't, I thought, ok, it's me. I'm not pretty enough, skinny enought (pregnant!) I'm too strong a personality, I'm not loveable enough. Anything as long it was my fault, because the alternative was unthinkable. if I was enough, why wasn't I enough.

I worked, supported the family, paid the bills, not because I wanted to be in control, because he never took notice about that stuff. No one was going to fight for me, or even better, stand by my shoulder and fight with me.

A kind man. A great father, patient, all you could ever wish a father was, that is what he was and still is. I should also say, a very high functioning autistic man. I never knew that for years, I discovered it slowly, so slowly.

The talk. Simple, I asked direct questions about us. What I learnt was this. He thought loving me as a friend was the same as being in love. He never really desired me, I don't think sex ever meant much to him whoever it might have been in his life. When I gave him that choice all those years ago this is what he did. He sat with it. Then he made a the decision that my choice to be a single parent wasn't good and so he agreed to have children with me. He never told me, never indicated anthing at all. he let me believe he wanted it, he wanted us and a future. He didn't, not like that. He is a man that stole at a minimum 29 years of my life and truth to be told 39 years. He is a man who gave up his entire life as well, because he didn't think being a single parent was good. That's it. The whole truth.

I moved into the annex, he helped me. I still support the family, pay the bills. The house is for our kids, that was always the plan. they are high functioning autistic but two are still at home and I need my family to always have a safe place they can just be themselves in. I will continue to do this because that is who I am.

For him, nothing has really changed. The house is there, we live there only I sleep in the annex. I still do my thing and he still educates the youngest. Only difference is my sleeping/living location which is in the garden.

I have so much rage inside me and I have no where to put it. I cannot put it on him. it would be like whipping a puppy. He made a choice because he's a kind man and a people pleaser. I cannot find an outlet but I need one. Something, anything but I'm so full of hurt, rage and I feel like I'm beeing knocked to my knees everyday. I shove myself up and power through, go to work, help others because it's my job and I love it. Then I keep falling to my knees and I'm as so tired of fighting but I don't know how to be anything else after decades of fighting for everyone. I get, go down, get up and all the while the rage consumes me with nowhere to go. All I can do is write it down to release the pressure valve, that is why I'm here.

Not because I think anyone can fix me but because I need some human contact that see's me, after so many decades of not truely being seen I need just one human being to see me and say it's ok. That I'm enough. Not enough for him, I know I'm not, I just want to count somewhere on this earth and know I'm seen.

thank you for listening.

I don’t disagree with that poster. Arguably there are different types of people pleasers and a couple in my life are quite narcissistic: their need to please others is based on a need for approval and attention, it’s not for the other person’s benefit, it’s to ensure they are loved. People pleasers tend to tell themselves they’re doing things for others’ benefit when really it’s for their own.

Ask a people pleaser for an opinion and they will tell you want they think you want to hear as they prioritise their need for approval. That’s why I value the friends of mine who will give it to me straight.

This man sounds gay imo.

Sorry op, you deserved someone stronger who could tell you who he was.

Hope you have fun in Italy - have a fling, be irresponsible

And FFS tell him to get over to the annexe.

Lol, in what way does he sound gay?

Gave up his life for her? What does that even mean? Arguably he prevented OP from spending a life with someone who really wanted to be with her and have kids because he was too selfish to let her go.

He is an adult male who made adult choices about what he wanted, which was OP. Now he’s backtracking revealing a lack of backbone.

Yeah, I wonder that, too.

Clear as day imo

Instead of accepting himself and getting out there and dating men, he's accepted this woman's love of him and just stayed in the closet, doubtless using her and the kids as his excuse for why he can't date men, imo

Have seen this play out irl

I'd play the grindr notification out loud and see how he reacts.

Sorry op x

I agree. There are 3 stages in most relationships and not every couple transitions to the next one together.

Pre kids, raising children and then the last stage as a couple. I have been with my DH since a teenager as well - we were very much a teenage couple. Then I wanted marriage, house, kids after 10 years - he was indifferent not became he didn’t love me but because he’s a man child.

The next 25 years were tough - I worked like a dog with him rowing in the opposite direction in a passive aggressive way. He also had an alcohol problem. We separated when the DCs were 8-14 after me tearing my hair out for years. I left it too late I know now. However with lots of therapy togther and him going tee-total we got back together. The shock of being alone woke him up and he pulled his finger out. Our relationship since has been brilliant. Now planning our empty nest chapter and we have returned to our teenage souls in many ways. It’s a lot of fun.

I have huge regrets - mostly the impact on my DC in a very angry (me) and tense marriage. Also my experience of motherhood was totally compromised with a drunk man-child. I am sad for my younger self that I didn’t know he wasn’t emotionally available or mature. I had a very difficult childhood myself - so did he - so we had zero nurturing or any understanding of emotional intelligence or what it should feel like to feel supported and appreciated and connected. My childhood trauma experience was to stick everything out and have low expectations of anything for yourself.

I am sad about that but accept my role in the situation, mine and his emotional limitations.

We are both very different people now - emotionally mature ! I understand where you are at. No one has to be the victim and or the villain - sometimes we are incompatible emotionally at different times but we need to be aware, then accept it and then use our agency. I suspect you (both?) had less than ideal childhoods which insured you stayed in less than ideal situations and didn’t know what good looked like. I remember my first raging frustration one on one therapy session where they said ‘he doesn’t meet your needs’ - I had no idea what that meant or that I had needs and I should be looking to have them met!

Arguably she prevented HIM from the same? Essentially she issued him an ultimatum - ‘agree to have children with me (now) or it’s over and I’ll use a sperm bank’ - and even though he had his misgivings, rather than lose her or leave her to sperm banks/single parenting he gave in. This is emotional blackmail of the highest order… and now she’s angry AT HIM that it worked and he lived with the decision he made? Come on!!

I didn't want to say it because there wasn't any actual hard evidence, but this did cross my mind.

Never underestimate the awfulness of the male gender, imo, even the 'nice' quiet ones.

It wasn't that so much, but I knew if I mentioned the possibility, people would jump on me with stuff like "he's not gay just because he didn't want kids and didn't really fancy her!", which is of course true, and obviously I'm not saying he is. But I do think it's a real possibility. Especially if sex wasn't what held it together.

I'm wondering how much of this rage, OP, could be from the practical circumstances? I'm sensing you're possibly burned out from being everyone's support human? That's why I said in my earlier post to pull back on that, but there's more you could do too and I suspect the problem isn't just that. You feel unsupported by everyone, that much is obvious. But I think too, you're at a turning point, you're not 100% clear yourself about what you want. You're just carrying on in the same vein whilst in separate beds, at least for the foreseeable future until DC leave home. Which is all very noble, but can you actually do that without getting consumed by anger and becoming bitter? Which would help no-one.

I agree with others you need therapy of some kind to help you work this out.

You could stay in the marriage, knowing it's different to how you wanted marriage to be, accepting a sexless marriage. Using your money to fund support for yourself. Ongoing counselling for as long as you need it, a part time PA/cleaner/housekeeper to help you with the practical burdens of running a family and home, a new hobby outside the home as an outlet for yourself that is never cancelled no matter what anyone else needs. Sex is overrated IMO, complicates things and is often unsatisfactory. Plus, once you reach middle age there's so often nothing particularly attractive about anybody really! Apart from their personality, mainly. I do have a normal sex drive but have chosen celibacy for simplicity for the past decade. If I ever do get into another relationship I'll probably be looking for a situation like the one you've got and are so unhappy with. I'm not saying that means you should stay with him, but perhaps that the grass isn't always greener elsewhere. Although it could be that you need to find that out for yourself, having been with only one person all your life.

Or you could go the opposite way entirely. Sell the house and buy two flats. I'm accepting that you're the breadwinner here and don't want to totally abandon your DC on that score, like lots of men who break up the marriage do. I'm suggesting this because I'm wondering how much of your rage is tied up with the knocks to your self esteem of having married someone who isn't sexually attracted to you and then you having compounded that by moving into the annex?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but are you putting a positive spin on the annex? From your description of still living in the house, you're only sleeping in the annex? So is it one of those glorified garden sheds at the bottom of a tiny garden, which people call a "summerhouse" and convert into a spare bedroom? Is that where the rage comes from? You already see yourself as a spare part, unwanted to some degree, and now you're sleeping in a shed, with no real privacy or separation because you're in the house the rest of the time, while everyone else carries on as normal living in the house you're paying for, seemingly unaffected by it all?

I'm thinking if you're 100% certain you don't want this marriage, you can still support everyone financially whilst also having your own space, by expecting just a little more of them all. You could sell the house, buy a studio flat or one bedroom flat for yourself, a two or three bedroom flat for your ex and DC to live in, that way there's financial separation and he can claim UC if he doesn't earn enough to maintain life by himself, you'd pay CM until they're 18 and give them whatever other support you wanted to give. This way you'd have your own space now from which to rebuild your life.

If your annexe is as I've described, I'm thinking it's not doing your mental health any good to have moved yourself in there, like it's sending the wrong message to yourself, as if you're not deserving of a proper home - and maybe that's part of what's got you so riled up? If the marriage is over, you'd not be being unreasonable to expect the others to tolerate the change of living elsewhere so that you can truly have some personal space too.

OP, may I suggest that you talk this over with a 3rd party (counsellor). You may then see that you have both had a marriage that suited you, with the children and the companion ship of a good friend which many people would be envious of.
You were both equally responsible for the progression of your relationship neither of you deceived the other, in reality but you were both rather naive as you g people often are especially when they don't have much experience to compare.
I also suggest that you speak to your GP, I assume that you are menopausal and your hormones are all over the place. Menopausal women often feel angry at the world, HRT can make a world of difference.

Definitely a real possibility

The lengths some men will go to, honestly

I think many autistic men are not suited to marriage and children and it's good if there is more opportunity for diagnosis. They should feel comfortable not having to go along with conventions they cant cope with. Then women like you wont feel the greart loss that you do. It's all so sad. Maybe you could find a partner who can give you what you want. And maybe more autistic men could find the courage to say no, this is not who i am. I cannot be that person you want me to be. Then nobody will get led up the garden path. There are too many stories like this.

Oh come on! She gave an ultimatum which many women give which is: this is what I want if you don’t that’s ok but I’m off. Women are advised on here on a daily basis to give this ultimatum.

Many men in that circ just say: ok, see ya. And that’s fine and is it should be. They’re not ready, or not in love, or don’t want kids, or at least with that woman. So she goes off and finds someone who does.

That’s not any kind of blackmail and only someone entirely lacking in backbone or adult responsibility would claim it is.

I don't get it - it sounds like you married someone you knew wasn't passionate about you, and you've had 40 pretty much happy years, and now you're raging?

Seconding this.It helped me immensely to learn about it and talk to others in the same boat through Cassandra groups.

your writing is incredible. i’m floored with your clarity and bravery op. i can see you’re going to be absolutely fine and amazing.

Autistic people pleasers also do it not to bring down disapproval on their own heads, for fear of others' reactions. An active need not to be disliked, rather than an active need to be liked, though they do that in spades too, ime.

What would he have done if you'd said you were ending the relationship because you wanted children and needed to find a man who wanted the same things as you? The sperm donor comment at aged 28 was very strange.

I agree with all of this except that anyone was led up the garden path.

My experience of being long term married to a very high functioning autistic man is they have no idea of the relationship limitations of their condition. They offer what they can. If that's not enough a grown woman is free to walk away. Most would do that rather than tell their husband that they will get a sperm donor if he doesn't impregnate her.

He doesn’t sound gay to me, he’s autistic and doesn’t have the same understanding of the complex emotions of inter-personal relationships. He gave in to her desires because he thought it was the socially acceptable thing to do. It doesn’t sound like he has desire for anyone, not just OP. Also, why didn’t op say she would find someone else? Why a sperm bank?

Thank you for your post. It was calm, kind & informative. I sincerely appreciate your words.

@ForeverTheOptomist Yes, I am taking a train there for a day trip, I shall take your advice! Thank you for your encouragement.

To everyone else that posted, and I mean everyone. There are so many of you, it is overwhelming to say the least. I didn't expect that, which just goes to show I know nothing about message boards!

All of the comment, positive, critical and surportive of another human being. I've listened, taken it all on board and appreciate it all.

I will say this. Re-reading my post (yes dramatic in some spaces, after all, emotions can be that, human nature I guess) at no point did I want anyone to think badly of my ex-partner. Yes, he has loved me. I know that passion and the whole first blush of romance is just that; a young firey persons hearts and stars and all of those things that romance novels try to sell us as forever. I understand the quite love and I understand that relaishionships evolve and change, hopefully for the better.

I chose the annex after I could, when my eldest left home. A space for me, somewhere I could sleep (which is something I am relearning after decades next to someone. No one tells us about that extra space and how it will feel) I haven't stopped loving the man he is, limitations and all. We have always been a team, my weaknesses his strenghts and vice versa. Would I leave into a place of my own? Sure. I like boundaries, learnt that they are what keep my mental health in a good place. I won't because I cannot afford to support two households and that IS my choice. Family first, he is still family and I am grateful for his care.

To those who suggest a fling or three, I'm smiling, really I am and thank you for the freedom to suggest it. I have no interest in giving my heart, body or loyalty to anyone beyond those I already have. I have never needed another person in my life to validate my existance. I have and do love and I understand overall, that's a gift because I got to experiance it.

This post or more importantly, isn't about how it didn't turn out like I thought we were (although that comes into it obviously). It's about choices. Mine and his. He chose to say yes to my request, they were not evil reasons, he's not capable of that. He chose to not tell me his reasons. Had he, I wouldn't be here writing this. One act of kindness and yes, self sacrifice on his part without openess, took away the one thing in my life I have always valued above any other need in my life. I have my children, all beautiful human beings that I love beyond words. Not just because of who they are but because of both parents.

Overall, you have all given me your thoughts and I value each and everone. So thank you. I won't post again on this thread, I'm not sure how to lock it, or if I should. But I do thank you all for giving me balance that I so desperately needed.

Yes