Ex wants house in divorce with massive discount

[Childofstrife]

I’m trying to come to a financial settlement by mediation. We have each about the same amount of pension. House is all paid up and worth £1.7m. Stbxh wants the house, even though it’s far too big, citing chronic fatigue (which is true.. mostly). But we don’t have a huge amount of cash and his current proposal to buy me out would effectively mean I’d give him a £530k discount on the house. It wouldn’t give me enough cash to buy a house in the area I want. I can’t access my pension for another 18 months so can’t top it up with my tax free cash yet, either.

He can access his pension now and get £268k tax free cash, but he says he needs it (because he’s sick). But even after withdrawing £268k he’d still have nearly £1.4m in there.

i feel bad about this all because I was the one who left and it’s true that he’s sick. But I’ve worked so hard for the house and everything else, I hate the idea of a £500k discount. And just find it incredible that he would suggest it at all.

does anyone have experience in splitting up with someone with chronic fatigue?

Thanks everyone for your comments. I can’t press “thanks” on every comment as my signal is slow but I really appreciate them all.

I talked to the mediator today 1:1 and feel much better. She’s also a lawyer and was very careful not to advise me, but made it clear that court is unlikely to accept the proposed split (she’s looking into case law on spouses with ME).

I’m just getting up to date figures of our savings and then I will ask for as much cash as possible including the tax free lump sum of his pension to enable me to buy a house, and the rest to be given to me when he sells the house/dies. I’d be happy with that if I have enough to buy a house of my choosing. If he doesn’t budge, I would consider court proceedings.

It’s all very ironic because at the outset, when he suggested mediation, I said there’s no point if he was going to ask me for, say, a £500k discount, and he said no no that wouldn’t be reasonable at all!

and the rest to be given to me when he sells the house/dies

You don't have to wait, you are entitled to your share now.

I agree with you. I wiuldbt wait for your share. That leaves you connected to him. Just getbit done and over with but dont sell yourself short for a easy/ quiet life. Everything is easier with money. The short term headache your saving by giving in easierly will be a big headache when your skint or struggling financially in your retirement years.

I think leaving him with your assets on the understanding you get them when he sells the house/dies is a poor choice. Clean breaks are generally preferred by the courts for good reason. But if you do, any agreement should require he pay rent or interest on your assets while you are not able to use them as you please.

AND a clear undertaking that he maintains the property - at his expense, not yours. I can see this chancer/abuser leaving the gutters to rot, then demanding you fix them since you ran off with all his money.

ETA butvI wouldn't trust him. I'm with the other posters - clean break is safest for you.

I dont think that there is a judge in the land who would allow him to keep the property and you get your share when he sells or dies
Its usually a clean break order

Surely IHT would apply and your share would be subject to this or CGT?

Mediation only saves you money if you’re genuinely mediating with someone who is reasonable. And what he has put forward after his first session is massively unreasonable. This idea that you somehow, out of guilt, should support him being massively over housed while you can’t even buy a house to be near your disabled child is absolutely absurd. You need an even split, he needs to downsize so that he can afford to live where he’s living, and you can afford to be where you need to be.

Well done on finding your voice (and your resolve) in this situation OP. You have been decent to your Ex, more decent than he has to you. An immoral person would try to use his illness against him. You haven’t done that. You also don’t have to sacrifice your happiness for him, that’s ludicrous.

My mum was in a similar position although the illness was different. It is probably her biggest life regret., She misses her old area, and regrets she reduced our inheritances by that amount (as Ddad frittered it, then met someone else who he’ll include in his will). Ironically she developed ME a few years after the divorce and could have used the money, although she made a full recovery.

I’d also caution against an arrangement of getting it when he dies. It’s messy and you are the only one who stands to lose. I have a family friend who did something similar. Her mum lived right into her 90’s, despite having a chronic health condition. Family friend didn’t get the money until she was 75, she died at 79.

Sticking to 50:50 feels hard now. But it will be a year or so of sticking to your guns to have the life you deserve for decades. The ‘easy’ route isn’t so easy when it continues to impact your life for years to come.

Don't agree to getting your share at a later date!!! Go for clean breakfast divorce, get what is rightfully yours (court decides) and he gets his share. Anything can happen in the mean time and I guarantee you will not get you share data a later date. Take it from someone that tried to be "fair" but who, in the end realised I was being screwed and do let my solicitor earn his fee. My ex thought he was clever and tried "poor me" tactics. When he kept dragging things out etc I decided maybe I was being played so I became "clever" and I'm glad I did. He took up with another woman before the divorce was even finalised, and she now has a ring, a house and hopefully the rest of his money, it'll serve him right for trying to manipulate me after putting up with him for 40+ years.

Clean break should be the aim so both parties move on and are financially stable. In rare cases, there is provision for an ex spouse (or mother as in the Kyle Walker case) but he had the spare millions and dc were involved. It’s ludicrous for you to wait for him to die or agree to a sale years into the future.

You need to stop feeling sorry for him and make sure you get your fair share. Like a pp said, you could fall ill tomorrow and be just as debilitated as he is, or worse.

You don't know what the future holds. You are not asking for more than you are entitled to, just a fair split.

Take into account all the marital assets, including both of your pensions and savings and ask for a fair 50/50 split. If he won't agree then end mediation and ask for a court ruling.

Keep it simple, get good legal advice and look after your own financial interests.

I used to work in a building society and depending on the size of the pension pot we would provide mortgages up to the age of 70 to retired people.

He has a huge pension pot so he needs to be more inventive on how to access it.

honestly, get your share now and a clean break. Otherwise you’re entangled with him for years and years. You can’t know you’ll outlive him and you need that money now.

Op he is taking you for a sucker.
So he’s written his book on his chronic fatigue… couldn’t you write a book on how you need to live near your disabled dd?

There’s enough money for you both to retire on. You could help with the practical tasks to sell the house and offer to do the bulk of the heavy work to empty the house, which would mean all he has to do is buy a new house. I’m sure he could hire a PA for a few hours a week to help him do that.

If he has chronic fatigue I’m surprised he has the energy to fight his corner so hard in a divorce!

There are removal companies who will pack as well as move the furniture. She doesn't need to do it all for him.

There should probably be discussion around his needs if they do actually require more money but this can be sorted out via the pensions. He should have his now if he cannot work. Plus benefits.

He doesn't need a mortgage if he has £800k in cash

Agree with everyone else. You need a clean break, free yourself.

Stop thinking about what is best for him, you must try really hard to cut off that thinking.

It's about you now and your future happy life. Don't hamstring yourself. Go for 50:50 and get the money in your hands now not in 20 years.

Good grief do not wait until he sells or dies! You need this sorted now. Or its more hassle down the line for you, so many complications to deal with. Get it over with now.

Exactly this. Don't even think about this crazy discount. He'll be fine.

It is possible his health will dramatically improve when he is forced to live independently.
You must take your fair share. He has plenty of money & should down size.
You are divorcing, I imagine he hasn't been the best partner. So separation involves changes/consequences.
Maybe he should have been a better husband.