Ex wants house in divorce with massive discount

[Childofstrife]

I’m trying to come to a financial settlement by mediation. We have each about the same amount of pension. House is all paid up and worth £1.7m. Stbxh wants the house, even though it’s far too big, citing chronic fatigue (which is true.. mostly). But we don’t have a huge amount of cash and his current proposal to buy me out would effectively mean I’d give him a £530k discount on the house. It wouldn’t give me enough cash to buy a house in the area I want. I can’t access my pension for another 18 months so can’t top it up with my tax free cash yet, either.

He can access his pension now and get £268k tax free cash, but he says he needs it (because he’s sick). But even after withdrawing £268k he’d still have nearly £1.4m in there.

i feel bad about this all because I was the one who left and it’s true that he’s sick. But I’ve worked so hard for the house and everything else, I hate the idea of a £500k discount. And just find it incredible that he would suggest it at all.

does anyone have experience in splitting up with someone with chronic fatigue?

You havent given quite enough enough information to know what is fair but enough to show this is not it. How long have you been married? Any financially dependent children, presumably the adult child lives independently and receives benefits?

You sound to be of similar and near/on pension age. You talk about what is in his pension pot - will you both have equal amounts of state pension? What other assets do you have and how confident are you that you know all of the assets, have you always had full access to financial information? What are your combined savings?

What you need to do is list all your assets - both pension pots, house value, car(s) value. all savings. Divide by 2 if your marriage is a long one. That's your starting point.

He needs to move to somewhere he can mange easily, given his health problems. It will not be impossible for him to get a mortgage if he has a generous pension. Does he receive any disability benefits - if not in his illness as bad as he thinks?

His lawyers will say whatever they are paid to say, it wont be reasonable. Your lawyers need to step and fight for you. update to remove a couple of typos.

I have chronic fatigue op. At one time, I was very ill. Absolutely don’t do this. If he has the energy to write a thesis, he isn’t that poorly.

OP if it were the other way around would he gift you half a mil??! No way. Please don’t fall for the sob story thesis - just reiterate that you want a fair split. Tbh a judge has to sign off the financial order and there is no way they will agree to this. Remember that anything can happen and you may well need that money in the future or if you have kids they might.

Haha, good one !
Go to court.

No wonder you wanted to leave him! He sounds bloody delightful. What woman wouldn't want to be married to a man who tries to gaslight her out of half a million quid.

You do know that if he is genuinely as unwell as he claims then he will be entitled to a disability payment that is not means tested, to help with the cleaning, OP?

Ask for 50/50. You both have fantastic pensions so he can easily afford this if he wants to. Please don't be a pushover. He's not thinking of you at all, whilst busily working hard to rip you off, is he? And you aren't considering ripping him off in any way - just whether you should lie down and die in a financial ditch for him. What about your own future, post the marriage, if he does this to you?

He can perfectly well afford this if he wanted to. But he wants you to afford it for him. No chance. As others have said, you'd be able to take this through the courts and still end up vastly better off, on the facts here. Generally a disabled spouse may be able to secure more of the assets, but in this case he has a huge pension so he is not in greater financial need. Both sides's reasonable needs can comfortably be met, surely?

I have ME/CFS, btw. Formally diagnosed, and I'm under the care of a specialist clinic. (I got a serious illness during chemo, and it poleaxed my immune system, and then I got Covid on top.) It doesn't turn you into an avaricious arsehole, so I can only imagine that predated the condition.

Sorry it was kind of garbled as I typed it haste / on the go.

But I work tangentally in negotiations

Chasing HARD and holding out for assets is absolutely right if you are a sahm of a 3 and 1 yo and your not so dh has left up the swanny but your situation is v different.

theres enough assets to go around and you may have other priorities than getting the most cash such that a compromise in value is worth it for time and stress saved.
I am not suggesting agreeing to his proposal but Him holding the house saves you a few problems potentially (time waiting for a sale, the actual selling price / potential gazundering etc and of course the selling fees!) So if you can find a workable middle ground its worth considering imo.

I wouldnt die on the hill of insisting he sell in your circs.

Its also a powerful play because it sounss like he sees keeping the house as "winning" (which can be very good for you if you play your hand right)

I used to be a mortgage adviser and there’s nothing you’ve mentioned which would definitely exclude him from getting a mortgage. Some lenders will do mortgages based on the feasible income you could take from a pension pot. I often come across circumstances where people presumed someone wouldn’t get a mortgage based on age/income, when a whole of market adviser hadn’t been involved and there was every chance a mortgage could have been arranged. Not always the right thing, but more often plausible than people assume.

How old is he?
Why are you presuming he will never recover to a reasonable state of health?
He may suddenly perk up once he gets all he wants - then you'll regret giving him more than his 1/2 share.
Sick people and old people, like in their 80s often have to move house and do so.
Maybe he needs Care workers - after he has moved out.?
It is true the central London house market is very weak at the moment and you may get a much lower price anyway if you sell now - ( will it ever recover?).

He’s taking you for a fool. Let it go to court he’ll look ridiculous. If he really is so tired he could get a smaller house to clean…

He must be joking!!! Get yourself a great solicitor and don’t worry about what he wants. He’d never be so kind to you, so don’t do anything you don’t have to do. Fight for every penny that’s fairly yours, you and your children will need it.

Love this!

It would be better for him to have a smaller more manageable house

Thank you everyone for your comments. I was feeling quite defeated when I read the proposal but feel strengthened now. I will see what the mediator says next week.

Telk him to fuck right off. What a pathetic "man". Don't give in. The house needs to be sold and you get half each.

@Childofstrife Stick to 50:50. He has enough for his needs and he should sell and buy a bungalow. Or a flat. He’s pretty well off but everything should go in the marital financial pot and then split. I would expect 50:50. Does he get ill health pension or not? Is he working?

If he’s sick and doesn’t work he doesn’t need to stay in the incredibly expensive area then. He can move to a cheaper property elsewhere as he won’t have a commute.

Prepare for court Op. It will be cheaper than £1m.

Jesus wept... I hope he's made as many provisions for your disabled child... I mean seriously, he'd like a cleaner taken into account.. you are in a strong position here... Let him have the house at the proper price and swap for pension... Let him take the liability of the house on but please do not undersell your half, you will spend years spitting chips about it once you've got over the guilt of breaking up your marriage... You do not have to buy your way out of this, these are joint assets. He hasn't got a cat in hells chance... The court will seek to level you up and half a million down for you isn't right at all..

@Childofstrife his proposal is ridiculous. I was in court when the man said he wanted 100% of all marital assets in a divorce. It's just abusive shit. He was quickly disabused of his stupid idea. So would your STBXH be.

Don’t forget @Childofstrife his lawyers are told by him what to put forward. They have no say at all on its merit. They can advise him privately but he doesn’t have to accept it. So don’t feel the offer has legitimacy just because he’s made it!

Why are you on MN instead of working on growing a backbone. ?
Get your house in order. Woman up.

Also you can't do mediation with an abuser. He's trying to fleece you. You cannot compromise with a person whose expectations are 100% inappropriate. Mediators can be really toothless (and in my opinion dangerous) in a situation like yours. They just act like everyone has a valid perspective and they won't say 'that's completely unrealistic and unreasonable', as they should in your situation.

Absolutely no way should you accept only 300k. He’s really taking the piss. He doesn’t need such a big house especially if he has ill health. Don’t let him emotionally blackmail you. How would you feel if you accepted that and then he met someone else and moved her in.

50/50. If you have to sell, so be it. His health is irrelevant; you could fall ill in the future and have more need of the enhanced settlement than he does now.

Being ill is not a reason for you to expect to rip off your spouse financially.

Give him the house you worked for and watch another woman living in it soon. How would that make you feel?

If the house is sold, you’ll both receive £850k. If neither of you can get a house for that it’s a very very sad day…