Ex wants house in divorce with massive discount

[Childofstrife]

I’m trying to come to a financial settlement by mediation. We have each about the same amount of pension. House is all paid up and worth £1.7m. Stbxh wants the house, even though it’s far too big, citing chronic fatigue (which is true.. mostly). But we don’t have a huge amount of cash and his current proposal to buy me out would effectively mean I’d give him a £530k discount on the house. It wouldn’t give me enough cash to buy a house in the area I want. I can’t access my pension for another 18 months so can’t top it up with my tax free cash yet, either.

He can access his pension now and get £268k tax free cash, but he says he needs it (because he’s sick). But even after withdrawing £268k he’d still have nearly £1.4m in there.

i feel bad about this all because I was the one who left and it’s true that he’s sick. But I’ve worked so hard for the house and everything else, I hate the idea of a £500k discount. And just find it incredible that he would suggest it at all.

does anyone have experience in splitting up with someone with chronic fatigue?

dont be a bloody mug

sell the house and get half, and also go after his pension if you are unequal

I imagine you were abused throughout your marriage and that is still continuing.

It is really important that you start to recognise this NOW rather that in 2 years time when it is too late and you are filled with regret at how you let him take your money from you. Even on here you are defending HIS boundaries (he is sick, he can't move house, poor him, I must ensure he is alright, I must make it all nice for him) and not looking after your own boundaries. It is classic abused partner behaviour.

Look, no-one, lawyers or mediators will stop him doing this to you unless you speak up for yourself. You don't wait to 'see what the mediator says' because they are looking for an agreement, not fairness. If you agree to be fucked over financially then that is what will happen. You have to find it in you to say 'no' and let the mediator be directed by that.

You have to find a way to value yourself, to love yourself.

Hi @Childofstrife , don’t trick yourself that his lawyers must think his proposal as that’s just not true. They work for him and he is clearly entrenched but that doesn’t mean they have any obligation to make him be reasonable- good lawyers should try and help their client be realistic, but they can’t do miracles!

If he is sick he should get a smaller more manageable house with some cash behind jphim, he is just being a selfish dock. Please don’t let him take what you’ve worked so hard for, especially as you don’t have time to try and rebuild what you would lose.

If you let him buy the house with a 500k discount, he has to give you 500k of his pension. That could work well for you, because it's not so easy to sell houses atm.

Your pensions should be in the pot too.

OP, of course he wants the house with a massive discount - who wouldn’t? Your lawyer says, “from previous discussions I know they will say don’t accept it, sell the house and split 50:50.” - and they’re quite right, you are entitled to half. His lawyers are acting for him - they’d propose that he should have all the house if they thought they could get away with it. Stand fast - £850,000 is enough for anyone to be able to fine somewhere to live, even in London. Do not let your ex guilt you into giving up what you are entitled to - what’s he got to lose, from making you feel bad? Otherwise, you will end up renting or living somewhere horrible while he’s living it up in your former marital home - and I guarantee it won’t be long before he finds someone else to enjoy it with him. For heaven’s sake: this is the rest of your life. It’s a fifty:fifty split, and don’t let him bully or guilt you into thinking otherwise.

Being charitable, if he’s ill, moving probably feels overwhelming. However, it’s not at all reasonable for him to expect you to take this hit.

It’s not true that we won’t get a mortgage because he no longer works. He has income from his pension which is secure. He will get a mortgage based on this. DOI I’ve done it

Thos is also true I know a 72 yo with a mortgage.

If anything they are a better bet due to no risk of redundancy!

Good luck OP and keep posting if you need advice or solidarity.

One though to leave you with
"Pleass remember: the beautiful thing about no longer being with your Ex-H is you no longer have to care about "what he wants"!!!!"
you can focus your energy on what YOU want.
💐💐💐

One session? It's still early days. Time for a counter offer. If you get stuck, discuss what both think a judge would award.

50/50 as a starting point but...there is disability to take into consideration. However, it sounds you are both near retirement, so how far would your income be from each other?

Remember that the judge main focus will be on needs, not what is morally fair, so next session, focus on that. The mediator should guide you in that direction.

His future needs are not your problem.

he either finds the money to give you a fair share or you sell.

no judge in the land will agree so let him take you to court. He’ll lose and he’ll lose a lot of money in the process.

I wouldn’t take pension in lieu of house. With pensions that size, you’ll be paying at least 40% tax on anything extra that goes into them on top of what you have as you’ve already maxed out tax free cash and the rest will likely take up personal allowance and 20% tax bands.

Also people are saying things like ‘central London houses aren’t selling’ but I’m assuming you don’t live in central London but in zone 2-4. Where I am in zone 3 some things are just sitting but others are going quickly if the type of property is in demand. I know of one locally that went to competitive bids after a week at the £1.6m mark. You can do some digging as to what your local market is like.

I also agree with others that YOU have to say no to this - your lawyers and mediators will fight your corner but it’s for you to set what you think is what you expect in the first place.

There are enough assets here for both parties to be fine on a 50:50 split even if one can’t work again. So that isn’t a reason to split them differently.

A mediator does not fight a corner! They facilitate agreement. So if one person caves in completely and agrees to far less than they should get, the mediator is not going to say no. The individuals should have solicitors though and they will tell each person what is reasonable. Not having a solicitor in a high net worth divorce is madness.

His proposal are nonsense.

this should be a 50:50 divorce . Take it to court if necessary

You are feeling an understandable and laudable desire to be kind to him and help him out. This is why lawyers can help by removing the emotion from it.

None of us know what is round the corner for our own health, think of your future and all eventualities

FWIW mediation is shit. If the other party won't budge then you are wasting yet more money. Tell him see you in court then. It will cost loads but not as much as giving him that discount.

Sometimes OP you need to look after yourself.
Sometimes the only person who will look after you is you. If he wants the house then its down to HIM to sort HIS finances. If he can not afford it then he needs to sell up and downsize within his means not expect YOU to put your neck on the block to cover him.
As well as your intentions, you do need to take your full share and take care of yourself financially not bank roll your ex wanting a house bigger than he needs.

Get a shit hot lawyer. I bet his ‘fatigue’ recovers after settlement.

@Childofstrife So he must have his pension based on inability to work. He’s presumably retired on health grounds. He must be getting pension payments I would have thought. Plus other non means tested benefits.

Dont think that just because he has a lawyer that he has any kind of common sense.

ask any family lawyer and they’ll tell you of countless clients who go against advice or just won’t listen. They can advise, but ultimately they’re instructed by their client.

and lots of people make unreasonable demands.

its 50/50- he needs somewhere smaller anyway. So sell the house. If you are adamant then hopefully his solicitor will try to make him see reason

I have chronic fatigue and I'd never dream of financially disadvantaging my partner in the way he is suggesting. You are not responsible for him, please do not give half a million pounds of your money for your life away. Just say no. It's up to him if it goes to court.

Why can't he move to a smaller house in a cheaper area?

If he has a good pension and can retire, why does he need more than you from the divorce? Generally, from a long marriage you could expect 50/50 unless someone has greater needs. But chronic fatigue isn’t a financial detriment if you’re at retirement age, is it?

In any case, get a good lawyer and find out how a court is likely to view it, then go back into mediation and negotiate for that. Do not give him half a million pounds just because he asked for it.

Would you hand him a cheque for half a million? Because that’s what he’s suggesting. He’s a bully and it does seem you are used to accepting that. I can’t imagine a mediator would agree with him. Say no. He can pay you a fair value or he can sell.

his lawyers may have advised him he’s unlikely to get what he wants but he’s decided to try and see. Don’t assume they’ve told him he’s right. Their job is only to get the most for him, not to be objective.