Ex wants house in divorce with massive discount

[Childofstrife]

I’m trying to come to a financial settlement by mediation. We have each about the same amount of pension. House is all paid up and worth £1.7m. Stbxh wants the house, even though it’s far too big, citing chronic fatigue (which is true.. mostly). But we don’t have a huge amount of cash and his current proposal to buy me out would effectively mean I’d give him a £530k discount on the house. It wouldn’t give me enough cash to buy a house in the area I want. I can’t access my pension for another 18 months so can’t top it up with my tax free cash yet, either.

He can access his pension now and get £268k tax free cash, but he says he needs it (because he’s sick). But even after withdrawing £268k he’d still have nearly £1.4m in there.

i feel bad about this all because I was the one who left and it’s true that he’s sick. But I’ve worked so hard for the house and everything else, I hate the idea of a £500k discount. And just find it incredible that he would suggest it at all.

does anyone have experience in splitting up with someone with chronic fatigue?

What if you agree to his proposal then a few months down the track he sells the house anyway? Pocketing an extra 500k in the process.

The answer is NO!

1 Could you agree that he continue to live there but you get paid what he says he can pay you now but you continue to own the rest of your half share? There should be a legally binding way to do that. Then at least if he sells it, you'll get the money.

2 Have you got equal pension pots or is his bigger than yours? If he wants more than a fair share of the house tell him you want half the amount that his pension is worth over yours.

Sorry, I see you answered the pension question already.

I'd go to court on this one. I'd be surprised if a 5 bed house for one man would be considered essential or that moving would be considered impossible with the funds he has available to pay for help.

That doesn't help OP buy somewhere new to live.

Just to say, the fact this proposal was offered absolutely does not mean his lawyers think it's fair or reasonable (or likely to be accepted).

As long as it's not in conflict with their professional obligations, lawyers will advise their client but then do as their client instructs. This includes making mad offers they think don't have a snowball's chance of being accepted so long as it's not illegal or unethical to do so.

They may well argue that it's fair, reasonable and a seal you should accept because they will act in the best interests of their client and looking to get him the best deal but for goodness sake don't measure what's reasonable for you to accept by what your stbxh's lawyers say!

I mean this kindly and bracingly: toughen up, OP. Don't be a doormat.

My DD is a divorce barrister. As such she frequently has to argue a case when she has advised it’s not going to float. However it’s what the client wants and you do your best to secure the outcome they want. They often want their day in court to get their message across. It doesn’t make their position correct. Lawyers have a duty to represent clients but not necessarily agree with them! Some people won’t take advice.

The mediator will be legally qualified but they don’t take sides. It’s perfectly ok to reject his proposal and see what the court thinks because 50/50 is reasonable when there’s money in the marriage.

Chronic fatigue is sad and difficult, but it doesn’t mean you should hand over half a million pounds out of guilt.530k discount is enormous. If the house is worth 1.7m then the numbers should still be based around fairness. Especially when he still has very substantial pension assets available.

OP, 300k for a house worth 1.7m is 17.6% of the value of the house. This means he would get 82.4% of the house. That is almost 5 TIMES MORE. He can ask and try to convince you it’s fair, but he is full of shit. I divorced someone with a degenerative condition and he tried all sorts, including asking me to pay 50% of the child maintenance to his son who was born before he met me. He claimed inability to work full time for much longer, extra modifications in the house (which are not yet needed), and the fact that my new partner earns X so I don’t need my equity. In the end it was all 50/50.

Some people will try anything in the hope it sticks. Don’t let him walk all over you. Good luck. You got this 🦾

Presumably going to court would be bad for his health too?

Mediation whereby he'd see that if it went to court he wouldn't get what he wants seems like a good plan.

This is exactly what he will do!

He’s taking the piss. Wants to keep
a big house that you subsidise, and also wants a bigger piece of the pie to clean it because it’s too big.

His thesis is flawed if that’s his argument, if anything a smaller, better equipped house would be better for him.

He’s playing you

Tell him to fuck off, its chronic fatigue not cancer!!! Massive chancer!

Whether he's genuinely ill or not, I imagine finalising a (stressful whatever the circumstances) divorce, with a very advantageous financial settlement could do wonders for Chronic Fatigue.

Don't set any store by the fact his solicitors are putting this forward. That absolutely doesn't mean they think it's reasonable or achievable.

It’s a shame he’s ill, but none of us know what is round the corner and you could get ill next year. Protect yourself. If it is the thought of actually moving which is disturbing him (understandable if he has CF), then you could agree a sum for professional movers and packers to do all the hard work.

You need legal advice, it's that simple. If your husband is so unwell, how is he going to manage to look after a large house, that he doesn't actually need? You can equally argue, that a single man, with chronic fatigue, would struggle on his own, with such a large property and it would be better to sell, so you can both purchase a property suited to your own needs.

If you agree, he'll end up selling the house, and pocketing the profit from the sale! Why should you give away, what's rightfully yours, because he doesn't want to move??? Tell him No!!

By the sound of things you have been in an abusive marriage. Firstly, I'd go back to your lawyer and say exactly that. State that 50:50 on the house is the only acceptable outcome and that for the next mediation session that should be the red line position.

Then it's up to you whether you go for full financial disclosure and all family investments, pensions and whatever go into the pot to be argued over. I'd suggest that it's quite likely there are hidden assets and simply splitting the equity on the house will be a good outcome for him.

But be prepared to draw a line under mediation and move it to a court order outcome if it is simply a way for him to drag this out and abuse you further.

Transfers of real property during a divorce and for a maximum of 3 years after as part of the financial settlement is not liable for tax.

Hes being ridiculous. Dont entertain it.

He gets the house by screwing you over.
When the dust settles he sells the house and pockets your money.

Make your own proposal, don't wait to 'see what the mediator says'. You need to work with your solicitor and come up with a counter proposal.

My esDH (estrangedDH) is in our marital home not because he's 'ill' per se but because he's a chronic alcoholic with the beginnings of 'wet brain'. Our house will end up being sold as he doesn't have enough to buy me out and I do not want the house (too big and on acreage I don't want to 'maintain'). The way our separation agreement worked was that he will 'get more' of the house equity once it's sold and I 'got more' of other assets now so it still works out to 50/50 in the end.

So if your H wants you to 'sell' the house to him at a huge discount/loss then he needs to make it up to you with other assets that equals the loss you will take. In other words, he needs to give you ~£530k in other assets. As a PP suggested, from his pension if necessary. If he can't afford that then the house will have to be sold. It's not like you're going to make him homeless, is it? Both of you will have enough to buy another, albeit I assume smaller, home. And if he does have CFS, a smaller home costing less to keep clean will be much better for him in the end.

I'm sorry he's ill. But you have to look out for yourself and your disabled child. It doesn't matter who instigated the split, divorce is 'no fault'. If you were unhappy, that's reason enough to leave. But chances are there was more to you leaving than just some generic 'unhappiness'.

His lawyer is working for him. Nothing to do with whether they think it's a fair offer. You need your lawyer to work for you. He's offered you 300k, you could counter with 800k and then keep haggling until you're satisifed.

I would take a slightly lower percentage of the value because it's easier and often cheaper than waiting for the house to sell and if he won't accept offers on the house anyway, then it's not going to sell.

But 300k is a joke and should be rejected outright.

He is counting on you feeling bad and not having the drive to fight. He wants you just to roll over because you feel guilty. I'm sorry that he is sick but you could get sick tomorrow. You need to protect your interests and your future. The starting point for division of assets is 50:50. Don't let him screw you out of 500k. Id take it to court and insist of a fair split. If you want to be generous offer him 55:45 split.

This is so ridiculous. So what that he says he wants a massive house and cleaner. Sadly for him that’s not an option. He’ll get a lot of money and has an excellent pension as it is with a 5050 split. He’s acting like a toddler and seems happy to screw you over. Do you not need the money to live near your DC? So fight for it on their behalf!

You need a counter proposal before you meet with the mediator. Did you do all the childcare or most of it? Did you lose the chance to work full time and contribute to your pension? Do you have caring responsibilities for your adult DC now? 50 50 is a starting point. He isn't starting there so your counter offer needs to match his and then you both negotiate back to 50.50. You can put it all in to Ai and ask Ai to generate a divorce settlement accorind to UK law. You can prompt Ai to give you best case scenario for you, and realistic settlement. Then, reality test it with a solicitor and then bring it to mediation.

My ex tried similar. It's exhausting. Good luck.