Living together during divorce while he moves on and I parent alone

[whatis44]

Living through a divorce whilst still living in the same house is honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. Every day feels emotionally draining and I genuinely don’t know anymore whether I’m expecting too much or whether most people would struggle with this situation too.

I work full time whilst also carrying the majority of the day-to-day parenting, such as every single school drop off and pick up, school admin, appointments, clubs, routines, cooking, emotional load, dog walking and all the invisible jobs that keep family life functioning. I’ve tried incredibly hard to keep things calm, stable and amicable for our two children despite everything happening behind closed doors.

Meanwhile, he seems to be living a completely separate life with very little thought for the impact on me or the children. He exercises every single day, three evenings a week after work and now even two 4am morning sessions as well. All while I’m left carrying the emotional load, the day-to-day responsibilities and trying to keep life stable for our kids.

It feels like he’s been able to prioritise his own freedom, routine and social life without ever really stopping to consider what that means for the rest of us or how much pressure it leaves me under.

The part I’m struggling with most is being told that we need to stay “amicable for the sake of the children” whilst also having to deal with behaviour that feels deeply disrespectful.

After telling me he was unhappy and after we both came to the heartbreaking decision that divorce was the only option, he met up with another woman the very next day to tell her the news.

Since then, there have been multiple meet-ups, Saturday morning runs together, evening exercise classes and now even morning classes too. And whats hurt almost as much as the situation itself is the dishonesty around it. There have been times I’ve asked where he’s been and been lied to and I know I was lied to because I could see his location on Life360, which he didn’t realise I still had access to.

All the while, I’ve constantly been reassured that “she’s just a friend.” Yet I see photos of the two of them running together alone on social media, while I’m at home trying to process the breakdown of our marriage and hold everything together emotionally for the children.

Maybe some people would genuinely feel comfortable with that situation. Maybe some people could separate it emotionally. But honestly, I can’t. To me, it feels deeply disrespectful and incredibly painful.

What’s making me feel completely mentally exhausted is the contradiction of being asked to peacefully live together and keep things friendly whilst trust is being chipped away at constantly. It’s hard enough trying to process a marriage ending without feeling like you’re also expected to quietly tolerate secrecy and dishonesty at the same time.

I know relationships break down and nobody is perfect. I’m genuinely trying to be reasonable and self-aware here, which is why I’m asking would most people accept this as part of separation and I need to become more understanding, or is this actually a really unfair and emotionally difficult situation for someone to be expected to live with day in, day out?

💯

Your kids are old enough for you to have a 2 week holiday (or stay with a relative for 2 weeks and work from their home) to process and recover from your breakup while he has a massive wake up call about what full time single parenting actually is.

Tell your kids you’re going away and explain you’ll be back. Just tell him by text that it’s his turn now and you’ll be back in 2 weeks. Time for him to face the consequences of his actions!

At the moment you’re enabling his selfish behaviour by acting as his unpaid servant.

Stop being passive OP, this man is taking the absolute piss. You need to see a solicitor ASAP and get the divorce, and house sale moving. He's having a whale of a time with no responsibilities, and you’re doing it all! You need to be less available, get him used to sorting out the kids. Get tough, and stop putting off the inevitable for the ‘children’s sake’, the quicker this is all sorted the better for all parties, inc the kids

With regards to child care and him not wanting to do picks ups

in fact for anything you want him to do
send him a message by text

not Watsapp as they can easily be sent as a 1 view only from his phone

so send him texts - don’t ever delete them and you will have a clear and easy to trace record of him refusing to do child care
refusing to do pretty much anything.

Put his name in the text like wank face prick I can you pick up the kids on Thursday
let me know
and keep both your question and his reply

And let him become the other women’s problem

Also let him know that he thinks your fucking stupid if he believes that you think they have only just met . But if need to carry on with his fake ass Mr Nice Guy persona that’s fine with you but you want a divorce and move on with your life free of him

And take it that your basically gonna be a single parent

accept that he will do the very bare minimum he has to with regards to his kids and child care

that if he wants 50 -50 it’s because he wants to pay no child support not because he wants to look after them

but if he is self employed he’s going to fudge his books so he doesn’t pay any child support

So you can either fight him and lose
or say fuck it and do whatever suits you best

It's a horrible, draining situation to be in, OP, but YABU to expect anything else from him. This is who is and he will never change. You are always going to be the primary care giver who buys the school uniform, goes to parent/teacher conferences, remembers to book the Dr and dentist appointments etc. At best, he will be fun dad. The sooner you accept this and plan your needs, the better. I would talk to a solicitor about options and how certain things may be perceived but, providing they agree, I would hire a babysitter to give yourself some down time, find someone else to do 1 or 2 school drop off/pickups a week, hire a cleaner and a dog walker; whatever you will need to make your life easier once you are alone with the children.

In terms of mediation - you know who he is. Lazy and selfish. So, put everything in writing. Offer options and deadlines, as you have done, knowing that the deadline will inevitably come and go without him taking action, so you then book the mediator etc. You can be hurt and practical at the same time.

It’s unusual for the woman to have a bigger pension , assume you went back to work at 6mths as maternity leave was less when you had your kids

guessing he’s also get a lot of cash and doesn’t earn a lot as a se employed builder …. On paper lol

who did the childcare when kids little /before school age

so many have it hard. In comparison my divorce seemed easy as did clean break.

he moaned a bit but didn’t contest it

I work , owned house before we met. He’s on benefits since we split (2yr) and won’t ever go back to work and dd will live with me 24/7 so if he went to work he would be paying me a lot of cms - I get £27.50 a month

but time wise it took 9mths +

rough guide

Even without a delay /ex contesting it’s taken me over 8mths so far to get divorced and I’m in the final 8w so would have been 9mths ish in total

apply for divorce - take a few weeks to go to court /judge

Once judge approved / then 20w wait incase change mind

after 20w you say still want to divorce

then can start on the financial /clean break /custody paperwork etc is filled in

back to judge to approve can take another 3/4w

then conditional order/old decree nisi granted - and back to judge approve which can be another 2/3w

then once judge approves that - it’s another 8w for apply for final order and then finally divorcee once that’s been approved

delays can happen if don’t agree on maintenance - where kids live - esp if fights /want 50/50 and other parent doesn’t - splitting house /profits /pensions and any other financial stuff

the most annoying thing is having to wait 20w till can do anything once apply for a divorce so the earlier /quicker apply , you can start the balls in motion

Sounds like he is saying keep it amicable for the kids is so he gets to swan around with his new gf without you getting mad at him. Live in his own house and keep you trapped for the "kids sake" its all for him... Terrible man.

Can you not just go to a solicitor yourself and ask advice on this? He cant just be allowed to act this way, why are you not fighting more for what is right? To free yourself? Also on the 25% bills thing, once he moves out he will not be paying any bills for your house so I do not understand why he is saying this?

Go and see a solicitor. Explain the situation and say you need to get things moving.

they will have seen this 1,000 times and will be able to advise correctly. Then follow that advice.

Stop being nice and considerate. Live your life as if he wasn’t there. No dinners, no washing, no reminding him it’s his mums birthday. Imagine he is a lodger.

Every other weekend you’re busy. Go to a spa overnight and leave him to it. Go and see friends, stay over with relatives. You don’t have much signal on these trips do you? So you won’t be there when he calls you with a “crisis”. What a shame!

Trust me this won’t be forever. It will pass and you’ll be free. Keep going!

I was in more or less this situation OP. I wouldn’t start mediation until you’ve seen a solicitor & have a sense of what you want to end up with. I had to give an ultimatum in mediation to move things on because we got stuck & the mediator wasn’t helping. I wouldn’t have done that if the solicitor hadn’t told me what I could & should be aiming for.
I can see a lot of people advising you start 50/50 while still in the same house. I got similar advice but didn’t do it. I felt it would be horrible for my child.
my ex got 50/50 having done nothing previously. He doesn’t stick to it or parent well but I can’t do much about it. This was in mediation but I was advised if I went to court I wouldn’t get any better. I did manage to negotiate for other things I felt were important.
my ex also dragged his heels on moving etc.
But what I learned is he couldnf just veto stuff! Your vote also counts.
a solicitor can run alongside the mediation & could, for example, say the work on the house has to happen by a certain date & if he doesn’t want to do it then he has to put up with someone else doing it.
good luck. It’s so horrible. But you will get out!!!

I Don’t believe for one minute that a builder can’t afford to pay for childcare.

he’s chatting shit OP. stop focussing on him and what he wants. Focus on you, what you want and what is in the best interests of the children. Tough titties to him if he doesn’t like it. Sounds like you are used to just giving him whatever he wants, which very common in controlling relationships when someone is gaslighting, blame shifting etc, but the relationship is over now. You can go and be you and he can fuck off.

This is a tricky situation.
If you have the money I would be taking myself off to a hotel for a week so he has to step up! Or every week you have a night or 2 staying somewhere else, so he has to take some responsibility for the house and children.
Withdraw from doing anything for him, cooking, washing etc
I would also get the ball rolling with prepping the house for sale - book someone to come and do the bathroom. Get the estate agents putting the house on the market. (If he drags his feet, you can approach the courts to agree the sale). Issue divorce proceedings - whilst there are no fault divorces, his behaviour is totally unreasonable. He's dragging his feet because he's on a nice comfy number - wife at home sorting everything and new woman to play with!
Take control of the situation!

Have you done any snooping in his business accounts @whatis44 ? You need to have accurate figures of his earnings. If his earnings seem suspiciously low for the amount of work he’s doing, you know that he’s being paid in cash (and HMRC might be interested to know this!).

Above all else, you need to see a solicitor to get legal advice. Forget about trying to be nice when you’re dealing with an utter bastard.

OP, you've given this man more than enough grace. Get a solicitor and start things moving. He's pretty much not honouring deadlines re mediation, so get your ducks in a row and start to move on.

OP, if there's any way you can find copies of his tax returns, get them.

And his bank statements, for personal and business accounts if he has them.

And obviously any joint accounts. And then freeze these.

If he's not declared all his income to the Inland Revenue, that could be an interesting bargaining tool.

I agree with a PP, get some legal advice before starting joint mediation, so you know your likely legal position.

You can involve solicitors at any point that you want to.

And you don't have to go to mediation at all if you don't want to.
The Court prefers it because it saves family money being spent on legal fees, and can be a quicker route to divorce, which is better for the children than a long drawn out legal battle.

But he's already shown his unwillingness to participate in the process by delaying contacting the mediator, not finishing the bathroom, and not accepting the EA valuations but not arranging any more.

You could already argue that it is very unlikely that he will fully engage in the process and therefore to avoid further delays file for divorce and let solicitors handle it.
Particularly as your MH is suffering, and possibly the children's too.

He doesn't have to have a solicitor, btw, he can represent himself. The main difference going the legal route is that the Court will enforce deadlines, and he will suffer consequences if he misses them. They will not tolerate his bullshit. Whereas with you and mediators he can delay and delay...

My solicitor advised me how to navigate mediation. You need to be prepared for it. It's basically a negotiation so you need as much info on finances etc as possible. Also diary the childcare situation. Don't communicate verbally about this stuff. Get everything in writing - text or email. If he says he wants 50/50 you can then evidence that he's only doing 10% etc.
You also need to know what you actually want to get out of mediation. What are your non - negotiables? Think hard about what will work for you and your child for the next few years. Where will you live? Do you need to be nearer your support network? A shorter commute to work? etc. My solicitor helped me start thinking about these things.
My ex did all the usual. Sat in the one Relate session he agreed to insisting there was noone else (there was). Cried poverty. Threatened to stop paying his half of the mortgage. Told me repeatedly he would make me homeless (I believed him until I got legal advice). Lied about his pension in mediation (and looked even more of a dick when he was immediately proved to be a lying arsehole).
Grey rock Ex. Keep your counsel until you're ready to act.
It's a lot to get your head around when you're still coming to terms with the marriage break up. Find your anger. You are fighting for your future and that of your child. I promise you can do this. You're stronger than you know ❤️

You absolutely need to ask how is he going to do 50:50 and why isn’t he doing it already.

Thank you everyone for the advice and support. I genuinely didn’t expect so many replies and I’ve read every single comment.

You’ve all given me the confidence to realise I’m not going mad and that what I’m feeling is valid. I think when you’re living in the middle of it every day, it becomes very hard to see things clearly and easy to start doubting yourself.

The overwhelming message has been to stop letting him dictate the timescales, get proper legal advice and start protecting myself and the girls properly. I hear you.

Time to put my big girl pants on and get the ball rolling.

Best of luck to you OP. 🙏

You and your DC deserve better than this 💐
I hope the solicitors give you the answers that you need. @whatis44

Spot on!

Honestly, from the first post, he had his head turned long ago that's why he was so unhappy and then rushed off to tell his affair partner the news right after the decision was made.
Since then, they spend a lot of time together.. It's pretty clear how and why this played out, OP. Time he moved out.