Living together during divorce while he moves on and I parent alone

[whatis44]

Living through a divorce whilst still living in the same house is honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. Every day feels emotionally draining and I genuinely don’t know anymore whether I’m expecting too much or whether most people would struggle with this situation too.

I work full time whilst also carrying the majority of the day-to-day parenting, such as every single school drop off and pick up, school admin, appointments, clubs, routines, cooking, emotional load, dog walking and all the invisible jobs that keep family life functioning. I’ve tried incredibly hard to keep things calm, stable and amicable for our two children despite everything happening behind closed doors.

Meanwhile, he seems to be living a completely separate life with very little thought for the impact on me or the children. He exercises every single day, three evenings a week after work and now even two 4am morning sessions as well. All while I’m left carrying the emotional load, the day-to-day responsibilities and trying to keep life stable for our kids.

It feels like he’s been able to prioritise his own freedom, routine and social life without ever really stopping to consider what that means for the rest of us or how much pressure it leaves me under.

The part I’m struggling with most is being told that we need to stay “amicable for the sake of the children” whilst also having to deal with behaviour that feels deeply disrespectful.

After telling me he was unhappy and after we both came to the heartbreaking decision that divorce was the only option, he met up with another woman the very next day to tell her the news.

Since then, there have been multiple meet-ups, Saturday morning runs together, evening exercise classes and now even morning classes too. And whats hurt almost as much as the situation itself is the dishonesty around it. There have been times I’ve asked where he’s been and been lied to and I know I was lied to because I could see his location on Life360, which he didn’t realise I still had access to.

All the while, I’ve constantly been reassured that “she’s just a friend.” Yet I see photos of the two of them running together alone on social media, while I’m at home trying to process the breakdown of our marriage and hold everything together emotionally for the children.

Maybe some people would genuinely feel comfortable with that situation. Maybe some people could separate it emotionally. But honestly, I can’t. To me, it feels deeply disrespectful and incredibly painful.

What’s making me feel completely mentally exhausted is the contradiction of being asked to peacefully live together and keep things friendly whilst trust is being chipped away at constantly. It’s hard enough trying to process a marriage ending without feeling like you’re also expected to quietly tolerate secrecy and dishonesty at the same time.

I know relationships break down and nobody is perfect. I’m genuinely trying to be reasonable and self-aware here, which is why I’m asking would most people accept this as part of separation and I need to become more understanding, or is this actually a really unfair and emotionally difficult situation for someone to be expected to live with day in, day out?

And I agree with other of course he’s dlgoing to drag his heels with excuses liek doing the bathroom
all ways to just all ways to slow it all down as he’s living his best life
doing what he wants
seeing who he wants
yet still being able to live with the kids and enjoy that side of married life

Not sure if you are on Insta but there is a fabulous lady on there called Rachel Starting Over. Two kids.
She asked her long term partner to leave - they are his kids - he basically refused and says he’d live the same life your DH is living now.
In the end, she sought legal advice. It was tough but a year later he has gone and she’s like a different person.
But she really had to make the decision to take control of the situation, solo.
This man is never going to leave. It will be this and that, because why change? He’s got a secure home and gets to be free to do wherever he likes.
It cannot continue. He’s not your friend, he doesn’t have basic care for you.

He's gaslighting you - but you know that already.

Lots of reflective posts here. The one thing I would add is that it's incredibly hard to change someone else's behaviour and much easier to change your own. In other words, it will be an uphill struggle to make him do anything, however, you have freewill and the ability to choose. For example, you might choose to take the kids away for May half term. You can choose who is allowed to stay in your house. You can choose to track that. If necessary, you can choose to inform the police of any trespassers. Similarly, you can choose to tell him that you've decided to physically go to work twice a week and he's responsible for drop offs and pick ups on those days.

If you're not free to make these choices, I'm worried that you're being subjected to coercive control. Perhaps you might consider a call to an organisation like Women's Aid

The reason for doing this is to call his bluff. You trial 50/50 childcare for one month and you pay more of the bills (maybe offer 70%). Be firm about him doing his share (although you probably won't shed all the mental load). He should be covering 50% of the housework too. Sorry he has revealed himself to be such an arse.

He’s not going to change, so stop wasting your energy on him and protect yourself. I lived with my ex while we were separating and he was looking for a new place. He never did. I had to leave with the children, but the relief was massive. He also wanted 50/50.. I won’t bore you with how that went, suffice to say they haven’t slept at his house for over four years.

He has it easy at the moment, and he knows it, Whu would he change it.
Only you can move this situation on.

He’s an arsehole, and he’s not going
to start to see your point of view or looking after the chikdren. Yes it’s wrong , but it’s where you are. Protect your own mental health. Get legal
advice, and concentrate on getting the house sold. .

Tell him you will be leaving him in charge of the kids for a week whilst you visit a friend.

He is abusing your desire to be “amicable”. Even if he doesn’t want to see a solicitor there’s nothing stopping you from seeing one.

At the moment he is claiming to do 50:50 but in fact you’re subsidising him financially and energetically while he behaves abusively.

What right has he to avoid parenting and paying, to make you continue to care for him domestically, while he uses his money on the gym and wining/dining other women, and his time too, instead of putting those things into a fair share of the situation you’re both in? You are effectively paying for him to do that- and he’s telling you that you are unreasonable to find him unreasonable! He is outrageous!

Keep detailed records of the current split in childcare between the two of you. He wants to have his cake and eat it, i.e. 50/50 so he pays no maintenance when in reality you are doing all the parenting solo and paying for everything while he has his hobbies and his new woman.

Your situation is completely unfair and you need to get angry and fight back.

Please don’t do this, he won’t step up. You will come back to upset children who will cling to you, and a shit tip house as a punishment.

You won’t win, because ultimately he doesn’t care. Grey rock him and concentrate on you

You need to realise and accept he already isn’t being reasonable or amicable. He is taking advantage of you massively which is the opposite of amicable.

God I hate men
So many get away with this shit.

What is your pension like, does he even have one?

Can you offer him to buy you out of the house cheaply to protect your pension? That would be one way to end it more quickly or you buy him out at a high price then you can sell as and when you get it finished.

I understand what you're saying re CMS and the DH being highly unlikely to actually have the DCs 50% of the time.

However, this DH is going to drag his heels the whole way through this process.
OP said she can afford to pay all the bills, and buy him out.

So it might be worth it to her to give up any possible CMS he might actually pay to keep her more tangible assets.

He is a self employed builder, so is able to 'massage' his figures to affect any CMS payable. Also, I wouldn't put it past him to develop a medical problem which meant he could only work part time, for example.

I take your point re spousal maintenance, but pension sharing is definitely a thing.
And this DH has a massive chip on his shoulder about his earning power compared to OP's. He'll go for whatever he can get.

It's all a negotiation, hence my advice to OP to consider her starting position, and what she might settle for.

ACTIONS SHOULD HAVE CONSEQUENCE.
I cannot get my head around any of this.
Let me try to understand the facts;

He wants a divorce - you agreed.
He was out with another woman the next day - you seen it on life 360 😨
He has more time for gym/hobbies/OW - you are run ragged with your FT job, kids, wife-work and life admin.
He wants top dollar for house - he won't foot the bill or move his arse to fix it up.
He wants to contribute 40% of household bills etc - you earn more so dole out 60%
He wants kids 50/50 - but you do all the drudgery.
He is living in the family home full of now found singleton- you are grieving and keeping it together for your kids
He wants a divorce - but barely agrees to a mediator unless given a deadline.
He wants to avoid a solicitor as its expensive - but has money for the gym and time for OW.
Have I got that right? 🤔

Wellwell well, isn't he a fucking peach? 🫩
He wants to have his cake and eat it to.
This is grim.
He has not had any consequences for his actions! 💯

He's a slimy liar who wants to worm his way out of responsibility, yet come out smelling of roses!
He is dragging his heels along, and wants to benefit hugely from all this mess!
No wonder he doesn't want a solicitor, as then he would be held accountable! 💰

Please understand this:

1. He HAD ANOTHER WOMAN ALREADY WAITING - SHE IS NOT BRAND NEW.
2. He is self employed? He may have money stashed in other places that he is keeping for himself and the OW.
3. He will expect you to be kind, understanding and amicable for the kids sake, yet he will take the piss and use this against you which will destroy you.

Get a solicitor and get the ball rolling 👏
Get your house on the market. 🏠
Have you sat down and told your children that you guys are getting divorced? 🤔
They will find out eventually

Be prepared for him to turn accusatory and possibly even nasty when things don't go his way.
He will cry poverty and say he earns less - tell him he chose to be single. 🖕
He will say you are making him homeless as he can only afford a flat - tell him he is a single man now and not your concern. 🖕

He wants singledom, yet all the benefits of a marriage and family home.
FUCKING NOPE! 👎
You are NOT here to make his life easier.
He decided to check out of the marriage, so he needs to put his big boy pants on and behave like a fucking adult.
Get your ducks in a row and GET A SOLICITOR.

Just echoing pp regarding legal advice. You need to get some. I'd be amazed if he hasn't already. He is no longer your friend or partner. Forget about trust.

I would be getting myself dressed and ready for when he gets home and telling him you’re going out as soon as he gets in the door and the children are his responsibility- and actually go out. Do what you have to to stay out until bedtime. Join a gym, a fitness class, take up a hobby, go to the cinema. Actions have consequence's and he needs to feel them. Of course he’s dragging his feet, life is really easy for him at the moment.

Rinse and repeat. I’d even book myself into a hotel and a spa trip for a few days and not tell him until I’m leaving.

Stop worrying about what he wants and what is fair. But this I mean if you can manage financially with him paying less and doing more with kids, for example, don't be digging your heels in over a point of principle.

Decide what you want and what also works for the kids.

Get yourself a solicitor and find out if what you want is workable and legally reasonable and follow whatever process you need to in order to achieve that. Get someone else to finish the bathroom, give him a choice of estate agent quotes and tell him he can choose between them by X date or you will.

If you carry on as you are, he will carry on the way he is...a lazy, cheating cocklodger with his bread buttered on both sides. Stop putting up with his bullshit and start moving forward.

I lived with my ex for 2 years after separation until he eventually moved out. The second year was largely spent in lockdown. It was a miserable experience.

There are similarities with the situation you describe.

I had done all the childcare and most cooking etc and ex said he wanted 50/50. He was self-employed and was in a position to do this, he just never had because he didn't have to, because I did everything.

Anyway, we didn't do mediation but we were having joint counselling and I brought up the 50/50 issue there. Suggested we implement a schedule and start following it so DC could get used to it and it would make the transition easier for them when he moved out. It took NINE MONTHS from me suggesting this to it actually being put into practice.

We did start with alternate weekends, but it took ages to get him to properly do other days. That forced him to do drop-off/pick-up and other stuff and freed me up to focus on myself.

While we were living together, we had a system where whoever was 'on duty' for the children would cook dinner for the family, but the other parent ate separately. I are some awful meals on his days. He's a good cook, but couldn't be bothered when he had to it regularly. DC1 still occasionally rolls eyes and comments on the unappealing meals they get at XH's on weekdays there (he makes more effort at the weekend).

There were some really bad parenting moments and choices from him in the early days. It was hard to hear and not step in, but I don't think the DC remember that particularly and he's a much better dad now than he was when we were together.

I still take on most of the mental load of clubs, payments etc because XH misses deadlines when it's left to him.

For what it's worth, the person he had feelings for when we separated didn't turn into a lasting thing. He met someone else not long after and they've been living together for a while now. I'm much happier than I was when I was with XH. Also in a new relationship but we don't live together (yet).

It's been five years since he finally moved out. My DC were later primary when we separated and are now teens.

Living together separated is brutal, but there are things you can do to manage it to some extent. Be prepared to really insist that he takes on 50/50 if that's what he's going to do longer term.

Long time lurker, first time poster.
I just wanted to say, before severing financial ties, please make sure you go through joint bank statements and collect evidence, for as many years as possible, of his earnings.
All on here, as well as you, can clearly see 50/50 is never going to work in reality and he is using it to avoid CMS. If you do need to go via CMS, being self-employed, he can then adjust his declared earnings for the assessment, so that he pays a minimal amount, if anything. If he did, and you have years of historical evidence, court will see right through him.
All part of getting those ducks organised.
Wishing you well OP. X

I don’t mean to be mean but you’re being a doormat for the sake of being amicable, but he’s not being amicable is he. He’s living his best life with you doing everything and him swanning around, of course he’s dragging out house things. He’s not going to do 50/50 because he never has before, but you’d probably find it easier to carry the necessary load without having the weight of expecting him to step up.

If he doesn’t want a solicitor and doesn’t want to sell the house it’s tough bloody luck. He wanted a divorce and has to deal with the consequences of that, because right now he’s having his cake and eating it while you don’t even get crumbs. I would split the bills 50/50, not expect him to do any more than he currently does, and use the bill money to get legal advice

You are the higher earner, with better flexibility around your dc and financially secure post divorce. Yet you are in reactive mode and allowing him to control the timelines.

Accept this man is not your friend, stop making requests and start interacting only through a solicitor. I’m writing this as someone who tried the playing nice and mediation road when all it did was prolong the agony. Avoid the large prestigious law firms as they aren’t interested in anything other than exploiting your situation and dragging things out as long as possible to make more money.

Look objectively at how much time he spends with the dc now and base the custody on this.

Don’t discuss using solicitors with him, once the first solicitor’s letter drops, he’ll understand you mean business and he’s no longer the boss of you.

Good Luck ☘

This dreadful man is punishing you for hurting his ego by earning more money than him.

I think you need to stop letting him call the shots. I think you should nod along with all the BS he comes out with, and then do whatever is in your long-term best interests. In other words kind of act like you might do what he wants you to do (for the purposes of keeping him sweet and avoiding an argument in the moment) but don't do what's best for him, do what's best for you.
Don't discuss anything with him or negotiate with him, don't give him any information about anything.

ExDH and I had to live together for quite a while after we split but we put the planned childcare split in place fairly early on. I used to stay with friends or family on his nights with the children so I wasn’t there for him to just default to.

I agree. You are separated. Stop subsidising him. His share is 50% and he’s not doing any parenting so claim cms while you are at it.

If he doesn’t pay the full amount, keep track of what he owes you and ask for it to be paid back from his share of marital assets once the split is confirmed.