Living together during divorce while he moves on and I parent alone

[whatis44]

Living through a divorce whilst still living in the same house is honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. Every day feels emotionally draining and I genuinely don’t know anymore whether I’m expecting too much or whether most people would struggle with this situation too.

I work full time whilst also carrying the majority of the day-to-day parenting, such as every single school drop off and pick up, school admin, appointments, clubs, routines, cooking, emotional load, dog walking and all the invisible jobs that keep family life functioning. I’ve tried incredibly hard to keep things calm, stable and amicable for our two children despite everything happening behind closed doors.

Meanwhile, he seems to be living a completely separate life with very little thought for the impact on me or the children. He exercises every single day, three evenings a week after work and now even two 4am morning sessions as well. All while I’m left carrying the emotional load, the day-to-day responsibilities and trying to keep life stable for our kids.

It feels like he’s been able to prioritise his own freedom, routine and social life without ever really stopping to consider what that means for the rest of us or how much pressure it leaves me under.

The part I’m struggling with most is being told that we need to stay “amicable for the sake of the children” whilst also having to deal with behaviour that feels deeply disrespectful.

After telling me he was unhappy and after we both came to the heartbreaking decision that divorce was the only option, he met up with another woman the very next day to tell her the news.

Since then, there have been multiple meet-ups, Saturday morning runs together, evening exercise classes and now even morning classes too. And whats hurt almost as much as the situation itself is the dishonesty around it. There have been times I’ve asked where he’s been and been lied to and I know I was lied to because I could see his location on Life360, which he didn’t realise I still had access to.

All the while, I’ve constantly been reassured that “she’s just a friend.” Yet I see photos of the two of them running together alone on social media, while I’m at home trying to process the breakdown of our marriage and hold everything together emotionally for the children.

Maybe some people would genuinely feel comfortable with that situation. Maybe some people could separate it emotionally. But honestly, I can’t. To me, it feels deeply disrespectful and incredibly painful.

What’s making me feel completely mentally exhausted is the contradiction of being asked to peacefully live together and keep things friendly whilst trust is being chipped away at constantly. It’s hard enough trying to process a marriage ending without feeling like you’re also expected to quietly tolerate secrecy and dishonesty at the same time.

I know relationships break down and nobody is perfect. I’m genuinely trying to be reasonable and self-aware here, which is why I’m asking would most people accept this as part of separation and I need to become more understanding, or is this actually a really unfair and emotionally difficult situation for someone to be expected to live with day in, day out?

Agree. You are being far too "nice" and reasonable. As well as getting a solicitor and getting on with the divorce, beat him to it out of the door some times. You are going out, so childcare is up to him. No need to say where you are going or what you are doing. If its OK for him its OK for you too, and will give you a needed break.

Get some legal advice and progress the mediation and court, and house sale. Your ex doesn’t get to unilaterally decide when the house goes on the market.

Formally request a share of parenting from now, in the mediation.

Many DC go to wrap around childcare and 9 is a fine age to go some days: 12 year old can be home alone a short while. Your ex isn’t going to do things to benefit you and the DC: you can make changes to help you cope at this hard time.

Could you do that arrangement where you get a rental and the kids stay at home and you & he do 50/50 in main home changing each week?. He doesn’t realise that you are carrying the load here & is totally taking advantage.

Get a solicitor, start the divorce process and get things moving at your pace, not his. Not his call- you need him out as soon as possible.
he should be paying 50/50 in the meantime. Do not do any of his washing, cooking etc. you look after your kids and yourself.

Youre making it too easy for him to decide what and how things happen and when. You need him out so you can get on with your life asap.. the longer it goes on, the more strained it will become. Not good for the kids or you.

He's getting all the "good bits" of a divorce whilst avoiding any of the bad i.e. having to do his fair share of childcare/ housework etc. .

If he wants top dollar for the house he better get on with doing the bathroom as the place needs selling - maybe give him a deadline that it will be going on the market.

In the meantime is there any way of you could tell him which days he is responsible for the kids and then leave him to it on those days - go away and stay with friends/family/do a yoga retreat etc, or simply go out on those days/evenings to get some much needed space

NB He may not want to pay our for a solicitor but that doesn't stop you doing so - this situation is wholly untenable for you. He doesn't get to dictate everything

Be less capable and reliable. Tell him your mental health is suffering because of the situation and leave for a week. It will be hard but the children will survive. He needs to see things need to change.

Imagine a future a year from now where this loser is off the scene.

You have your house to yourself and you can look after your kids on your own schedule.

He probably rocks up once a fortnight with Turkey teeth and a new running tan to take them for pizza and play the big man. He probably doesn't give you anywhere near a fair amount of money.

BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER. You're free of him and his utter bollocks.

Go see a solicitor, first thing Tuesday. Get an hour of advice. You hold the cards here. Ditch the cocklodger.

My god, he sounds awful - so disrespectful and treating you like a doormat. It seems he is controlling the entire situation - kids, domestic duties & house being sold. Maybe write down what you want him to do in each area so its more equal & bring that to mediation or pop it in a letter to him. You tell him what you will be doing & the rest is for him.

Kindly, you're allowing him to get away with it. Take control back - you need time off just as much as he does, makes no difference that you earn more - youre entitled to a life too.

I raally hope you sort it, sounds so so tough. Sending love.

It’s a great idea about the household accounts. You and he are separated. If he wants to stay in the house he pays 50%. Advise him of this in writing (email) and keep a running spreadsheet. Any underpayment by him will come out of his eventual settlement. So if he only wants to pay 25% so he can do pick ups, that gets added to the tally.

What’s missing in your account is both you and him listening to your needs. He doesn’t get to dictate the terms. Doesn’t matter if he wants ‘top dollar for the house’ or to finish the bathroom or 50/50, (the latter can only be for financial reasons seeing as he clearly doesn’t want to do that now.) Of course he’s trying to stall, if you actually live separately he’d have to step up with parenting and lose his housekeeper. If he wanted to move things forward he’d be working on the bathroom not working out and meeting up with a woman. Get a solicitor. He doesn’t have your best interests at heart, so you need to be your own advocate and stop giving two hoots what he wants.

What @MimiSunshine said

I’m so sorry. Thats awful. Truly awful.

I’m so angry on your behalf.

I’m further down the divorce route than you. It’s sooooo hard. My ex sounds similar, without the other woman (as far as I know) but with emotional abuse.

Do have a look into narcissistic behaviours. He sounds very entitled. Very manipulative. He’s discarded you so quickly. It’s ringing alarm bells for me. If after your first search he fits the bill, then research this - watch to see if his behaviours are predictable in terms of this personality style. Then, if they are, listen to/read Supriya McKenna ‘Divorcing a Narcissist’. Watch Dr Ramani on you tube. If he doesn’t fit the bill then hurrah! You might have a smoother ride than me. Fingers crossed.

These are my learning points;

• keep all messages etc but try and organise them as you go along. I didn’t and wish I had.

• boundaries are not about forcing someone to do something but deciding what you’ll do if they don’t. So there will be lots of different ‘threads’ in your divorce. Three big ones; childcare arrangements, financial agreement and how you manage things in the meantime. Each of those threads will have off-shoots. Map these out as they come along and decide what you think would be best and what compromise you’d be happy with. Keep the kids central and that includes putting your own well-being front and centre or you’ll burnout. Then set deadlines ‘please let me know in x days’ ‘I didn’t hear back, if I don’t hear back in X days, I will XyX’ and stick to it. It’s business now. So set a time frame and give him one warning and then just do it.

• If you haven’t yet filed for divorce consider doing it solely rather than jointly - that gives you more control over the actual legal separation and the timing of he drags his feet. it’s dead easy. There are three parts and the first just sets the ball rolling. There is then a 20 week cooling off period.

• self care. Self care. Self care. This is a marathon. You are already feeling the impact of years of being with a man-child. Now you have all the emotional turmoil of the relationship breakdown, parenting kids whose life is about to change and a shed load of extra really shitty admin coming your way. whenever I stop robustly looking after myself I notice it. Counselling is helpful.

• get legal advice now. Get your best case scenario, worst case and what would be reasonable in terms of finances. Then he can’t pull the wool over your eyes.

• You could consider temporary nesting - where you each get somewhere else to stay part time and the kids stay put. We had to do this as it was too conflictual. It will give him a taste of actually having to 50/50 and (alongside the grief and loss) you can have some freedom and space and fun. Rediscover what you like to do.

Honestly, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. Sending you huge amounts of love and strength.

Encourage the thing with the other woman… I know it hurts but if he gets with her maybe he will move on and move out. It’s easy to sit on Mumsnet and tell you to be more forceful or demanding but that’s even more exhausting and challenging than just sticking with the status quo. I hope the mediation helps - if he doesn’t go that’s a shame but you will hopefully get some good advice and information when you go.
This too will pass. I assume he was a good guy in the past and has some redeeming features. Hopefully with time these will come back.

I've been in a similar situation - living together while separating is horrific. I feel your pain! First thing my therapist told me back then was to get him out of my space (but I recognize there may be legal complexities in your case, if you both own the house etc). But, don't put yourself through this.

No one thinks they can afford a solicitor, but I think you can't afford not to have one. Even if you just get an hour's initial advice, it is invaluable. Else his narrative (you need to do more because you earn more etc, the split of finances, child care) becomes framed as objective fact whereas they are just his preferred narrative/outcome. You need to know what your rights and entitlements are. This would be helpful even if you are going into mediation. One of the great silver linings of divorce is that some of this child care imbalance will (should) be sorted out. Good luck.

You need a solicitor asap.

I did the living together separated for a year, and moved in to my house in February.

Every time he upsets you/ pisses you off your inner mantra needs to be 'and this is why I'm getting divorced', every time you need to say this to yourself (which judging by what you've written will be multiple times a day) you will validate and reinforce your decision to divorce.

You need to sit down and discuss the co parenting plan now and start introducing whatever percentage you are going to have going forward, even if it is only EOW and one night a week, make a point of staying elsewhere then. If he isn't going to share custody at all, then unfortunately this is something you need to make peace with, and may as well start now.

Do your kids know about the divorce? This was the hardest bit for me, as i had to 'fake' happy families for a year as didn't want to tell DD until house purchase completed, and thanks to exH fuckwittery this was precarious right up to the last moment!!

In terms of his other women, this is disrespectful to you, and a line i certainly didn't and wouldn't have crossed during that year, but he is doing it and you therefore need to unfriend him on social media and remove your tracking, and take the moral high-ground by not doing it yourself and remind yourself again that you're divorce this man for a good reason!

If you can, access counselling via your workplace, most big employers will offer something. If not, chatGPT is great for ranting into, and the main criticism of AI, that it parrots back, is actually in your favour right now as it will be very validating and vindicating.

It won't last for ever, and the freedom when one of you does move out, will be worth it.

Don’t give any more thought to the other woman, just be glad that he will soon be someone else’s problem.

in terms of the children, start asking him what time he plans on having them. If it’s 50/50 then ask him how he plans to accommodate that. If it’s every other weekend agree a schedule. Ask any questions he does not give a realistic or satisfactory answer to again in mediation. Put whatever plan is agreed in place asap and leave him to it at the times he is responsible for them.

He is showing you he expects to drop in and out of parenting when convenient so make it obvious you won’t tolerate that and he needs to commit to what he will actually do. I suspect it will end up being next to nothing but start to force that situation now and then you will be able to move on yourself.

With the house he needs to carry on paying half the mortgage and child maintenance. It doesn’t matter what he earns or you earn, that’s not your problem any more. If he can’t afford the mortgage then the house gets sold or you buy him out as it is now.

Stop accommodating his plans, wants and expectations, he is using the idea of amicability for the children to have it all his own way. The kids will will be fine, you will be fine, it doesn’t matter if he is, start rocking the boat.

But why are you doing everything?

Get a lawyer.

Evety decision he makes is very clearly designed to make sure that he doesn’t have to pay a penny towards the children. Which means this will go on until the youngest is 18 years old. Get legal advice and get shifting. You wouldn’t put up with this from a team colleague, and that’s what you are now. Treat it like a work project.

He doesn’t want mediation. He doesn’t want solicitors, he doesn’t want to finish the bathroom. He’s doesn’t want to sell the house

are you seeing a pattern here ?

you need to start things in motion

I knew he would be a builder so he can do things. Just doesn’t want to. If he is busy working he can pay 50% of bills. If he isn’t working he can finish the house

he won’t do 50/50 so suggest you have mon to fri and eow and maybe a tue/wed night inbetween

He needs to leave.
I am so sorry this is happening and you deserve so much better.

FWIW this is one of the most level headed, balanced , strong posts I have read on mumsnet. Best of luck to you xxxx

OP he is having his cake and eating it!

Go and see a solicitor, this does not preclude you from mediation but mediation often works better when both parties are aware of their legal standing.

Just because he doesn’t want to go the legal route doesn’t mean that’s agreed- you’re no longer a couple do you can serve him papers anytime you please and move to split housing assets and set up on your own, making it much harder for him to pull this shit.

The OW is distracting him very helpfully. Use the time to sketch out what you want your life to look like and plan how to get there- it will inevitably involve him doing something he doesn’t want to on some level so at least while you’re imagining your best case scenario don’t worry about what he might agree or consent to, you will also need to compromise of course but at least as a thought experiment put yourself first before you go into mediation with someone quite selfish and disingenuous.

OP, I get that you want to keep things amicable for the kids. But if you need any more motivation to follow all the good advice on this thread, remember that your kids are watching you and they aren’t stupid. If they are in the same position in the future, how would you want them to behave? You need to role model the boundary setting and self esteem you’d hope they would have themselves.

This sound absolutely awful OP and sending huge sympathy to you.
Despite the emotional turmoil you are experiencing I would try to put some practical things in place such as buying some help such dog walking, extra childcare or after school clubs so your husband can accommodate some pick ups from school. Also some cleaning help. Of course this will be an additional financial cost to you but try to look at it as money you are investing
in yourself so you can have some you time while you process this very difficult stage in your life..

Long post, but there's lots of practical advice! Been there, done it, paid the 6 figure legal bill.

I'm so sorry for your situation, OP, it sounds like hell.

But you really don't have to let him dictate the pace.

You definitely need to see a solicitor, sooner rather than later. To prepare for that, get your ducks in a row - all the financial paperwork, all the info about who does what in the house but particularly with regard to looking after the children.

Also give thought to what you ideally would like as a financial separation and regards custody of the children.
And what you are prepared to accept/negotiate.
Definitely go for a 'clean break' ie no maintenance payable to either party.

As you earn more than him, and probably have a good pension, he might go after you for maintenance and a pension share, for example. Try to anticipate what he might ask for and prepare your answers.

For example, you won't ask for any CMS even if they're with you most of the time (if that's affordable for you), but in return you wont be giving him any maintenance or pension share.

Family court like couples to try mediation first, but they do not like it when one party drags their feet or doesn't fully engage. Email him again to ask when his appointment is.

Make sure you put any requests to him in writing- text or email. Screenshot everything and print it out if you can.

Email him with attached copies of the 5 estate agents valuations. (I've been involved in 2 separations and both times only 3 valuations were required by the Court. The average of the 3 or 5 or however many is taken as the price). Give him a deadline to organise other viewings.
Also, prepare examples of other houses locally, what they have sold for recently or are listed for (EA may have included this in their valuations already).

Did the EAs say the unfinished bathroom was having a big impact on the house price? If so ...
Email him re the bathroom. Tell him you understand he would like to fit this himself, which is about a two day job (unless tiling required also). However he has done nothing on it for the past two years. Give him a deadline to complete the work or you will find a builder to complete it.

Aim to be ready to file for divorce immediately after mediation has happened (if it ever does). The person filing has more control over the process, so it's worth doing. Also do not give him/his solicitor pre warning of it, just do it.

He keeps reminding you to keep it "amicable" for the children's sake. This is translating into you basically doing everything for them, facilitating him living the single life, and accepting him delaying the actual separation/divorce.

Courts don't really care if one party is already involved with someone else but they do care about the impact on the children's care. So keep a record of everything you do. Every time you ask him to do a drop/pick up and he says he can't - get it in writing (if you haven't already). Keep recording everything. That is powerful evidence in Court. And this WILL end up in Court, I'm sure, because he is not co-operating already!

The Court's watch word is 'reasonable', and their priority is to ensure the children are provided for as best as possible.

Lastly, see your GP. Tell them how upsetting/stressful this situation is for you (and the children, if it is. It surely is adversely affecting them).

Your DH is living a single life, seeing another woman, almost no help with the kids, dragging his heels re everything etc.
Ask if there's any help they can give eg medication, counselling...
You could then possibly apply through your solicitor to the Court for an Ouster order ie making him move out, using this as evidence that the current situation is untenable for you and the children.

This isn't going to be easy, OP, but if you focus on what YOU can do, and start moving forward with your own plans you will start to regain control of the situation and the process.

Good luck! 💐