Living together during divorce while he moves on and I parent alone

[whatis44]

Living through a divorce whilst still living in the same house is honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. Every day feels emotionally draining and I genuinely don’t know anymore whether I’m expecting too much or whether most people would struggle with this situation too.

I work full time whilst also carrying the majority of the day-to-day parenting, such as every single school drop off and pick up, school admin, appointments, clubs, routines, cooking, emotional load, dog walking and all the invisible jobs that keep family life functioning. I’ve tried incredibly hard to keep things calm, stable and amicable for our two children despite everything happening behind closed doors.

Meanwhile, he seems to be living a completely separate life with very little thought for the impact on me or the children. He exercises every single day, three evenings a week after work and now even two 4am morning sessions as well. All while I’m left carrying the emotional load, the day-to-day responsibilities and trying to keep life stable for our kids.

It feels like he’s been able to prioritise his own freedom, routine and social life without ever really stopping to consider what that means for the rest of us or how much pressure it leaves me under.

The part I’m struggling with most is being told that we need to stay “amicable for the sake of the children” whilst also having to deal with behaviour that feels deeply disrespectful.

After telling me he was unhappy and after we both came to the heartbreaking decision that divorce was the only option, he met up with another woman the very next day to tell her the news.

Since then, there have been multiple meet-ups, Saturday morning runs together, evening exercise classes and now even morning classes too. And whats hurt almost as much as the situation itself is the dishonesty around it. There have been times I’ve asked where he’s been and been lied to and I know I was lied to because I could see his location on Life360, which he didn’t realise I still had access to.

All the while, I’ve constantly been reassured that “she’s just a friend.” Yet I see photos of the two of them running together alone on social media, while I’m at home trying to process the breakdown of our marriage and hold everything together emotionally for the children.

Maybe some people would genuinely feel comfortable with that situation. Maybe some people could separate it emotionally. But honestly, I can’t. To me, it feels deeply disrespectful and incredibly painful.

What’s making me feel completely mentally exhausted is the contradiction of being asked to peacefully live together and keep things friendly whilst trust is being chipped away at constantly. It’s hard enough trying to process a marriage ending without feeling like you’re also expected to quietly tolerate secrecy and dishonesty at the same time.

I know relationships break down and nobody is perfect. I’m genuinely trying to be reasonable and self-aware here, which is why I’m asking would most people accept this as part of separation and I need to become more understanding, or is this actually a really unfair and emotionally difficult situation for someone to be expected to live with day in, day out?

Oh OP this is so so difficult. And he is a total dick. I salute you for being so eloquent in describing it. I could feel your pain and identify deeply with it. I don't have advice at the moment. Just know that you are bring heard.

Think you need to go to a solicitor OP. Don't understand why he's dragging his heels., so many excuses not to sell, get the work done. Would you be able to afford to get a builder in and then claim that money back from the sale? If you just got some builders round dor quotes to get him to move his arse and do the work himself? It's all too convenient for him I suspect and maybe can't move in with OW as she may be married or it's too early on in for her to want him living with her.
Lived with my first dh, no dcs, for a year completely separate, him saying he'd move out. Took ages and constant nagging to get him to move out so not as difficult as no dcs bit still frustrating.

Get a solicitor, just because he won’t doesn’t mean you can’t. You need him out. I sympathise, OP, I’m in a similar situation.

Even if the children are with her ft? I fear the current situation is doing serious damage to her mh/self esteem. She needs to take control somehow

He can disagree with it all day long, but that is worth nothing in Court.
What evidence can he provide for a higher valuation? eg recent sold prices of similar local properties. That's what is relevant.

No evidence? Right, EAs valuations stand.

You can absolutely force the house sale. You'd have to apply to court for an order for sale though. It might be time to start making him aware of this. Or you could move out if he refuses to. Take the kids and rent somewhere, let him foot the bills for that house on his own. He would soon put it up for sale.

Write it all down, OP.

All of the house chores.
Include diy because he will say he does that, so you should do everything else.
Include the frequency of each chore, which will negate his diy claim.

All of the child care chores, with the frequency.

Include a column for who typically does it.

Email him a copy.

"He thinks, he says, he believes, he can't " bla bla bla.

Disrupt his narrative.

Write it all down and nail him to the wall with it.

“It’s hard enough trying to process a marriage ending without feeling like you’re also expected to quietly tolerate secrecy and dishonesty at the same time.”

OP, tell his GF what he’s putting you & his children thro.
A leopard doesn’t ever change its spots, does GF really want to land up with some1 who’ll probably repeat 🤔.

God no, don’t do this.

OP would end up paying the majority of the house’s bills, all of her own rental, and doing all the laundry, cleaning and restocking of essentials every other week. Probably whilst the new girlfriend stays over too.

He certainly has it very easy doesnt he, can you afford to outsource cleaning/babysitting?

You need to show him that you can have a life without having to beg him for anything as he seems to think that your at home and he can do what he likes.

Just think he might have it easy now but give it a year and your be the one laughing.

Also get advice from a solicitor ASAP!
He is taking the piss out of you and your children!

He is literally taking the piss out of u get a solicitor and make him move out he wanted a divorce and he's now happily .messing around with another woman Do NOT LET HIM DO THIS
You have separated so seperate and make him do his share !
He doesn't wanna pay out and he has too !
Sorry u gotta stop enabling this behaviour and start thinking with a bit more sass

What's the point? He's checked out but is dragging out the misery for the poor op. He doesn't care about chores.

The op just needs ro show him she isn't a doormat, he doesn't make the rules and then do whatever she can to sell the house and start afresh.

The point is evidence of who actually cares for the children when this gets to Court.
Which it probably will do.
Or to use during mediation.

The point is to use it in negotiating the best settlement possible for the OP.

The point is for OP to stop being passive and start driving forward her own agenda to hasten the outcome she wants ie DH moving out and divorce.

He is an insufferable nob end isn’t he? You have the patience of a bloody saint!
In time you’ll thank the other woman for taking him off your hands.

I wouldn’t do anything at all to make his life easier. You need him to move out but make him think it’s his idea.

"I’m genuinely trying to be reasonable and self-aware here"

With respect, there is nothing reasonable or self aware about how you're allowing yourself to be treated. Your husband is taking the piss, and you're letting him.

Spousal maintenance is vanishingly rare in the UK. So the only maintenance at stake is for the DC.
If they were to have the DC 7 nights out of a fortnight each (it is the nights that are counted) neither would pay the other maintenance.
If one parent has the DC more than 50% of the nights, the other should pay child maintenance for the relevant nights, amount based on income. If they refuse, this is where CMS come in.

Given there is not a snowball's chance in hell the DH will actually do 50/50 in reality, it would be a bad idea to agree to it.
(He might do it if he moves in with the OW and it is actually her doing the work).

I get the appeal of a clean break, but if you add up the value of child maintenance foregone, e.g. 12 nights a fortnight, for X number of years, it is likely to be a lot more than the value of the house and pension, so it would be a bad deal to say 'I won't claim child maintenance if you don't touch my pension and give me more of the house value'.
Plus it is a matter of principal that he doesn't get to abandon his children financially and just walk away.

This.

What did he think would happen if you checked out of childcare? He needs to be doing his share, in preparation for when he moves out and has to have the kids on his own.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. it sounds fucking difficult.

Your husband is dragging his heels because the current set up massively suits him. You are working full-time (earning more than him), there to manage the home, parent the children and essentially take all the responsibility. He then gets to do as he pleases/when, whilst absolving himself of all responsibility and kidding himself he's a fantastic person at the same time!!

He was likely having an affair, and this female friend is the OW. He gets to play the single man, whilst you're in the background being the adult.

He might very well want top dollar for the house, but hasn't installed the bathroom and refuses to allow anyone else to do it. Like I said he's dragging his heels, because it suits him. You could be in this situation for a very long time.

He could equally be prepared to carry on like this long-term in the hope it grinds you down so much, you end up leaving the house!

If/when you do divorce, my guess is that he'll still expect you to take/pick the children up from school, cover appointments and sickness because he has no idea what 50/50 looks like.

Keep your mediation appointment but I think you need proper legal advice. Your husband doesn't have to use a solicitor if he doesn't want to, but there's nothing stopping you from using one!! My friend has recently had her final divorce documents through (2 weeks ago), her ex didn't use a solicitor but she did!! You need to take along as much documentation as possible, so you receive accurate advice.

You can't force him to take on the household chores or parent the children and you can't force him to move out the family home. Stop doing any cooking for him, laundry, changing his bedding, washing his towels. Yes, you need to keep the house clean for you and your children's sake. If you need to hire someone to cut the lawn because you don't have time, then you'll have to do this. No, you shouldn't have to, but you may have no choice.

I can only echo what everyone else has here, you need legal advice from a very good divorce solicitor - can you ask friends/colleagues for recommendations rather than choosing blind?

He's the one 100% in control here and that needs to change so that you are the one in control. It doesn't need to happen today, right at this moment, but slowly going forwards you take the helm. And I really hope you're not cooking/washing/doing any single one thing to make his life easier... what you need to do is make yourself and the DC an entirely separate unit from him. Shut him completely out into the cold.

How exhausting for you? As others have said, you need to push back. He is dictating everything so you need to start stating your terms. You say you have a mediation appointment so prepare for this. Write down absolutely everything that is a concern for you right now, so childcare, appointments, house renovations - then you and the mediator can look at ways of how your needs can be met.
You say you can afford the bills on the jointly owned house but he wouldn't - that's a starting point! Can you afford the mortgage too? On your own? If you took out a mortgage on your own to buy him out on the longest terms possible say 25/30 years that would reduce payments and you can pay off the mortgage sooner further down the line. Get the house valued - as it is now? and potentially if the home improvements were finished. You may find there isn't a great deal of difference between the two which could negate his arguments for getting top dollar. If needs be and you can afford it - pay for the work to be done and bring that into the settlements with finance when dealing with the divorce so you can get your money back. Don't do things with his input. Do them for yourself - he doesn't need to know that you are getting the house valued for example. Nor does he need to know when you are divorcing - until you present him with the paperwork - take control!
You will feel better when you are dealing with things that affect you! Who gives a monkeys what he thinks? I actually think that this other woman probably isn't that serious and he is hedging his bets and not wanting to move forward in case it all goes wrong but he still needs somewhere to live. In the meantime don't do anything that makes his life comfortable - washing, meals, etc. Just concern yourself with you and the children - that is your family now. Even if you are run ragged just dealing with that - drop the ball on absolutely everything to do with your to be ex-DH and simplify your life.

Of course he’s dragging his heels re mediation, he’s got everything he wants at a fraction of what he’d have to pay if he lived alone, plus he gets a built in childminder, cleaner etc.

tell him if he’s not able to provide 50% of the child rearing and housework he needs to move out

What a cheeky entlitled bastard he is! I believe the way he is treating you is a form of abuse. He has his own selfish views and rules which he imposes on you as if he was the emperor with a right to do so.

The more you tell us, the worse it gets. I am really sorry you ended up in such a dark place. Hopefully there will be a better life for you and the children at the end of the tunnel!

Wow he really is taking the piss, deluded little twat

sorry your going through this op
thunk your gonna have to play hard ball as he doenst realise how much you do

you gonna have to force the sale and your going to have to work him to do 50/50
he will of course be broke
bjt that’s his tough shit

can he move into his mums ?
That’s most men this pathetic who can’t afford to live do isn’t it ?

Dont beat your up. Its easy to blame yourself but you havent done anything wrong. Its very difficult to stand up for yourself in this position of constant disrespect.

Document everything you are doing. Even if you can save your location and travel history on your phone to prove it. When he says he wants 50:50 then push back and say but you’re only doing 80:20 or whatever it is at the moment.

He doesn’t get mediation if he delays. Give him a deadline of the end of the week otherwise you appoint a solicitor.

Hes taking the piss, start putting boundaries in place