Living together during divorce while he moves on and I parent alone

[whatis44]

Living through a divorce whilst still living in the same house is honestly one of the hardest things I’ve ever experienced. Every day feels emotionally draining and I genuinely don’t know anymore whether I’m expecting too much or whether most people would struggle with this situation too.

I work full time whilst also carrying the majority of the day-to-day parenting, such as every single school drop off and pick up, school admin, appointments, clubs, routines, cooking, emotional load, dog walking and all the invisible jobs that keep family life functioning. I’ve tried incredibly hard to keep things calm, stable and amicable for our two children despite everything happening behind closed doors.

Meanwhile, he seems to be living a completely separate life with very little thought for the impact on me or the children. He exercises every single day, three evenings a week after work and now even two 4am morning sessions as well. All while I’m left carrying the emotional load, the day-to-day responsibilities and trying to keep life stable for our kids.

It feels like he’s been able to prioritise his own freedom, routine and social life without ever really stopping to consider what that means for the rest of us or how much pressure it leaves me under.

The part I’m struggling with most is being told that we need to stay “amicable for the sake of the children” whilst also having to deal with behaviour that feels deeply disrespectful.

After telling me he was unhappy and after we both came to the heartbreaking decision that divorce was the only option, he met up with another woman the very next day to tell her the news.

Since then, there have been multiple meet-ups, Saturday morning runs together, evening exercise classes and now even morning classes too. And whats hurt almost as much as the situation itself is the dishonesty around it. There have been times I’ve asked where he’s been and been lied to and I know I was lied to because I could see his location on Life360, which he didn’t realise I still had access to.

All the while, I’ve constantly been reassured that “she’s just a friend.” Yet I see photos of the two of them running together alone on social media, while I’m at home trying to process the breakdown of our marriage and hold everything together emotionally for the children.

Maybe some people would genuinely feel comfortable with that situation. Maybe some people could separate it emotionally. But honestly, I can’t. To me, it feels deeply disrespectful and incredibly painful.

What’s making me feel completely mentally exhausted is the contradiction of being asked to peacefully live together and keep things friendly whilst trust is being chipped away at constantly. It’s hard enough trying to process a marriage ending without feeling like you’re also expected to quietly tolerate secrecy and dishonesty at the same time.

I know relationships break down and nobody is perfect. I’m genuinely trying to be reasonable and self-aware here, which is why I’m asking would most people accept this as part of separation and I need to become more understanding, or is this actually a really unfair and emotionally difficult situation for someone to be expected to live with day in, day out?

Ok so at a risk of getting flamed here but I’m hoping I have some advice. It does sound as though you know what you are doing though. I was the girlfriend in this situation. It is quite common for separated couples with kids to end up having to share a house for a while and it is incredibly difficult. As the girlfriend I disliked it as much as the wife did. The wife was (is) a tough cookie though and didn’t put up with any shit. Luckily I agreed with her on the handling of it (mostly) as we all wanted the same outcome - a divorce and fair child care.

Step 1 is to start living as if you are separated. This means at the very least every other weekend one of you steps back COMPLETELY. If you can go stay with a friend/parents then great but neither of you HAS to leave the house when it is the other person’s time with the kids. The important thing is that you don’t help at all. He has got to get used to having the kids by himself. Add in at least one week night into this. This may end up being what happens after the divorce but hopefully he wouldn’t want to see the kids any less than that. Then literally book yourself out that night. Go somewhere. That’s what the wife did in my situation. She literally told him and he had no choice. (Luckily he wanted her out the house anyway 😂)…

Step 2 to get the childcare order. The one that they got included provision both for whilst they were still living in the family home, and for after the home was sold. It probably feels like forever but you will have to let mediation play out and once the order is in place you and he will have to stick to it.

Step 3: the financial order which should include provision for selling the house.

regarding the finances, he will have to pay 40%. Just keep telling him what he owes you. But you may have to decide what is more important - you paying a bit more and him having the kids more, or the other way round.

I’m sorry you’re having to put up with this shit. Hopefully his girlfriend is telling him to get his arse in gear too as she can’t be happy with the situation (trust me, I nagged and nagged and it nearly caused us to break up hundreds of times).

hope you get it sorted but please do just book things for yourself and get out. If the kids know you are getting divorced they will understand this.

fingers crossed 🤞

OP- I have been in your position and I can tell you that it won’t get better if you’re passive. He’ll stick around, have excuse after excuse and it’ll take years to get him out. Find your inner anger, channel it and lawyer up. You can push to get the house sold. Apply for the divorce yourself- you do not need his permission. Having mediations makes the divorce process potentially run smoother as then you don’t have to pay a solicitor to iron out all the details. But it doesn’t sound like he wants to do that amicably anyway. He wants to play at being single whilst dating via the comfort of the house that you’re still looking after for him. You’re not his mother or housekeeper. He’s cheating on you and you need to pull up your big girl pants and sort it! A court can force him to leave.

I’m so sorry he’s doing this to you. It hurts- I know it does x

You want it processing quickly while he’s distracted with the woman. When that inevitably loses its sparkle you will have a moping man trying to win his cushy life back.

The reality of his new, less cushy, more hectic life is currently blurred by the sparkle and dopamine.

You really need rid.

I could have wrote this myself- even the never ending extension and wanting top price for the house but not finishing them because he is out all of the time.

Friends have suggested that I sit down with a spreadsheet of jobs and time frame and allocate responsibility for who will be completing them.

i wonder if you could tell him that you will pay for someone to come in and finish the bathroom but you will expect him to pay for this? Especially as you overall pay more of your salary into bills etc

I absolutely hear how exhausting this is for you both physically and mentally and sending my support. As others have suggested it might be good for you to take time away from the home to gather your thoughts. It’s so hard when you’re living and working from home, it increases feelings of being trapped.

He should be paying 50%. You no longer owe him anything so that fact you are paying 60% is him taking the piss. Easier said than done I know but you should try again and force that if he wishes to remain in the home.

Good luck with it all, it sounds like hell. You'll get through it though x

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be free?

He is a freeloading, lazy, useless parent twat. We all agree on that. We want you to bring the freeloading to an end asap and move on.

Remember, this is exactly why you’re divorcing him. Don’t let it get to you, hard I know, but suck it up for the kids. They still deserve the best care you can give them. Once you move out you’ll have one less child to look after and he’ll be left to fend for himself, which I imagine will be a reality check / shock for him.

You can force a house sale, I had to

Woman up. Tell him you are getting a solicitor. He wants to continue living there whilst doing bugger all and while seeing another woman.

Get a solicitor. It's the only way.

They will understand.
“Mummy and daddy are no longer together, when you’re staying with daddy he won’t be able to do school runs so you’ll be able to go to the after school club with your friends - won’t that be fun!”
Children are far more resilient than we think. Their routine changes all the time and we don’t have a second thought - changing jobs, moving house, moving schools. Keeping an open dialogue is most important.

See a lawyer for independent advice.

Edit pressed send too quickly.

You've been more than generous and how has he thanked you. This divorce is already acrimonious because of how he's treating you. He's trying to trick you into eating his shit still but thinks by calls for decorum he can get away with his selfish behaviour.
You deserve more.

I am in the position of living with my still husband while seperated. It has been going on for two years. It is awful. I instigated it but he just won't come to terms with it or deal with it, keeps saying he can't afford to move out. I have always done a lot more with the children, who are now teens. He does things but nowhere near as much. I have a very close relationship with them, far more so that he does. I am at a loss about what to do to move things forward. Money is the biggest stumbling block. We would both be renting for a long time if we sell our house as not enough for us to get deposits.

It is emotionally incredibly difficult living with someone you don't want to live with who is watching me like a hawk and insisting I am going to regret this decision and realise what an awful mistake I made. Absolutely exhausting not being able to be free in my own home. Constantly having to make sure I am fully dressed, not able to express frustration/anger/sadness as he is just watching me the whole time.

So, you have my sympathies. He won't go to mediation either or get any of his paper work in order. Awful. He is losing/has lost the respect from our teens who see the impact of this on me and just want it sorted.

I agree with @SoScarletItWasthis is not the time to be right or to teach him a lesson. It’s the time for pushing forward and getting things done. And finalised.

He is quite clearly dragging his feet because he is in a comfortable spot at the moment.

It is all up to you. You have to get the house sold and the divorce done. Then you can be right and he won’t be living a life of luxury. Or if he is, it won’t be you paying for it!

He’s not taking one bit of notice of what you are saying yet you are considering him all of the time.

You are in an advantageous position really. You have the money, you have the children and you are already doing absolutely everything anyway.

Oh please work towards forcing the house sale. My very passive sister (who didn't see herself as passive at all, she always saw it as 'but I need to keep it nice for the children') lived an absolutely awful life for over four years while he decided that it would be best if we do X first, or need to do Y first. She just lived in this stressful limbo while he got fit, looked great, ramped up his work hours, had a very full time, visible, relationship, took his kids out with the girlfriend in fun trips. She did everything, and increasingly it took an awful toll on her. At the end of that, she was absolutely broken. Just got so she couldn't make a decision about anything.

I think he was just dragging it out until the youngest was 18, and the day after her birthday he agreed to sign things so he didn't need to pay anything towards them. My sister still had to pay for housing to fit her 18 and 19 year old, and he pays absolutely nothing towards either. They can't stand him now and have almost nothing to do with them. In the end she hated him so much that she was pretty free about saying to them everything he was doing. I actually think it would have been healthier to them if she'd been more active earlier on rather than building up to where she got to.

Good luck. Ugly situation, shitty man.

You’re going to have to find another way to deal with this because all this delay suits HIM alone.
The longer it all takes, the longer he gets a cushty life and the fewer years of child maintenance he’ll have to pay.
Theres too much here about what he will or won’t do… you need to speak to a solicitor about taking control of the situation yourself

Because the majority of men never want kids in the first place. They just have them to keep the woman happy.

See a solicitor. This situation is hideous and very damaging to your mental health. He needs to leave.
If you have more money than him then you're in a strong position. Don't go down the 'why should I' route that you alluded to. Bitterly fighting for every penny will prolong the misery of separating and isn't such an issue if you have enough to bring the kids up.
As to custody, I can't imagine the lazy bastard will cope with 50/50 for more than a day.

He has left the relationship and now needs to leave the house. This situation is massively unfair to you. I’d be absolutely livid OP and would not be able to stop myself from doing something like changing the locks and having a massive bonfire of his clothes. How fucking dare he think he can do whatever the fuck he wants leaving you to do it all. Get angry OP and take action. The sooner he is away from you the better.

Can you buy a cheap suite from a sale and get it delivered?
When he says anything, suggest he spends less time exercising and just finish the house, say, one month. After one month get someone in. After that get the EA back. Push and insist and keep moving forward.
He wants, he doesn't want waah waah waah. He wants divorce but still the cushy life you pay for and facilitate.

Too bad, he can't cherry pick. Drop the rope a bit.

I had to spend months in a house with my ex. So hard. He would sod off deliberately so I was forced to stay in with the kids. I had a room with a small cooker and a kettle, so kept out of the way. Did my and my dd cooking and washing when he was out. I had to hear his moaning and complaining as I dashed from room to room. I borrowed rent money and left. Only took my clothes and dd bed and things.
Still took 8 months for divorce to finish and there was no house sale.

What times exactly is he out the house?
You need to start being out as much as possible. Early morning coffee "dates" evening cinema trips. Why would he change anything, this life is perfect for him. If he's obstructing mediation take him to court. So what if he doesn't want to. In court, get an order to sell the house, again, so what if he doesn't want to.

This isn't all up to him. Stop waiting for permission from your owner and get on with your life.

Have you closed all joint bank accounts yet?
You need to separate your finances as far as possible.
Cancel all direct debits. Ask the companies to send quarterly bills. When the bills come in, you pay 50% each.
Do separate household shopping. Split the kitchen cupboards and fridge shelves, and tell him not to touch your stuff.
Consider keeping an record of what should be 'joint' costs, like cleaning stuff, loo roll, and of course food for the DC. Ask him to pay you his share each week and if he refuses, keep accounts.

For the mortgage, can you afford to pay it pending sale? Or contact the mortgage company and ask for reduced or suspended payments pending sale and divorce? Keep them fully informed.

Keep a diary every single day of who does what childcare - who does the pick up and drop off, who made them breakfast and evening dinner, who paid for school lunches and dealt with school admin, who took them to weekend activities or evening clubs.
This diary is important. You will need it in court later (possibly combined with the household accounts in the first paragraph), to prove he is not doing 50/50, or anything like it. You will need to aim for him having them every other weekend, and paying you child maintenance.
You cannot force him to step up as a father and do 50/50.

Then, go to a solicitor with the aim of taking it all to court ASAP.

He is not being amicable and reasonable, so give up on all thoughts of an amicable and reasonable divorce.

Look, I’m going to be honest here and say that with this type of charmer, meditation is not going to deliver for you. He will lie, obfuscate, say what he thinks makes him look good and won’t keep to it.

I bet you feel like you are in a horrible holding pattern right now. You will feel better if you start to take action, and the sooner you do, the sooner the divorce will be over. Start getting together your marital finances. These will have to be split 50/50. It will hurt like hell for you as you are the higher earner and will have to share your pension with him. Keep your eyes on the prize though, this is to get rid of the exploitative wanker. The faster you do it the less you will have to pay him.

As to the children, you and he both know he can’t/wont do 50/50 so drop that fallacy right away. He will pretend to do 50/50, dick you about constantly, not pay any maintenance and you and the children will suffer whilst he carries on living his own best life. Only exception to this is if he manages to palm childcare off on his “new friend”. So, make it explicit that you will do ALL the parenting and he can have EOW. He should be able to manage that and it will give you a slight break.
None of this is fair, none of it is acceptable but you are better off grasping the nettle and getting on with it, otherwise it will drag on for years and you will end up with the above, but with a shit ton more resentment and the kids will have suffered. Once you have them on your own you can set up your life the way you want it. Get a cleaner, smart pass with Ocado, everything to make your life easier, and you’ll be fine.

He wants the children 50:50 so he doesn’t have to pay child support. Guaranteed what will happen is officially it’s 50/50 but he wil still expect you to carry on as now and do everything and look after the children more then 50% of the time.

Why is it all about what he wants, he doesn’t want solicitors, tough, get one to make sure you get what is fair for you.

I get splitting things 60/40 as you earn more but that’s when you was together, now you aren’t tell him it’s 50/50 till he moves out.

He is taking the mick out of you and hiding behind wanting to keep it amicable for the children but by that he means he expects you to suck it up.

Give him a deadline to book the mediation otherwise you are getting a solicitor.

Give him a deadline for the bathroom or you will get it done by a tradesman and the cost of doing so will come back to you from the equity before you spilt.

Chances are the other women was more than a friend before the marriage finished but he will never admit that. It must be so hurtful with how is carrying on but there isn’t much you can do about it other than get tougher and firmer with him and speed up the separation process so you can be rid of him asap.

Stop letting him call all the shots, especially now you are not a coupe anymore.

Go see a solicitor now, even as a one off to get an idea of what you are entitled to so that he can’t run roughshod over you as 100% sounds like he will try!

sorry you are going through this.

As he isn't co-operating with mediation, you should go down the solicitor's route even though he doesn't want to do that. He is getting his own way and being completely obstructive. You have more money than him so spend it on a 'shit hot lawyer'. At the moment, he is running rings round you and you are too nice to retaliate.

He is a selfish, whiney disgrace and you will feel so much better when you don't need to see him every day.

This is all entirely correct (I have the t-shirt!). And, OP, the line about 'play nice so as not to upset the children' was one the then idiot husband used too.

You are being used and abused by this man. See a solicitor and get things moving. And stop being nice to him. Icy politeness is a very powerful weapon.