low-paid mum being coerced into 50/50 custody

[SillyFinch]

so... my vulnerable younger sister (eating disorder and very low self esteem) is facing divorce. Her husband is driving the split and we're not quite sure whether he has been having an affair or not. Seems 'matter of fact' about it all. She is devastated. He wants 50/50 custody, which I believe would remove child support (for two kids) from her end. She is a teaching assistant and earns a very low wage. He is on approx £60,000. He is hoping that once the equity of the estate is split, he will be done, financially, in terms of supporting her. She can't possibly survive on her wage (£1200 take-home a month), a job that she took on to work around childcare. She is doing most of the childcare and always has done. For the sons' early years, he actively wanted her to be an at-home mother, and so she gave up her career. There's also a reasonable suspicion of coercive control from him too. He is really pushing the 50/50 custody split. Should she go for full custody? Should she view herself as a housewife rather than a ft worker?

Based on your updates, my comments re the assets stand. Re custody, I would be thinking about how to docment some o fthis. And as the children are older, it might be that they can provide their own testimony as to why they don't want 50:50. She shoudl ask her solicitor about this - I woudl think the children could write down the specific examples of behaviours they have found scary or intimidating and why they therefore prefer to live with you.

Re the door, I feel that is something that should be reported. Arguably, that's violence and it's violence designed to intimidate. And I'm assuming based on your posts, that there's a lot more than just this one example? I'd tell your sister to consider contacting the police to discuss it with them.

If he's violent, why hasn't she reported it to the police?

Your OP was about claiming to be a housewife to get more money out of him, now that wasn't going well-you've thrown this in!

I would tell your sister to push for full custody as it sounds like he's only going 50/50 to try and get out of paying child support and she'll end up shouldering the full burden of childcare and costs anyway. In my experience - and that of virtually every single mother I know - that is the case. (My ex husband pays me full child support without quibble but also does almost no childcare).

She'll get UC top-ups anyway if she's on a low wage.

There are always people on these threads who seem to have some kind of unhelpful agenda about pushing women to accept 50/50 custody and go back into full time work even if this is clearly not going to work for them or their kids.

it has escalated very recently, with a rise in his alcohol intake. This has triggered the divorce. We suspect he's having an affair. To be fair, I'm not convinced that he is a violent person, but I guess you can have an opinion based upon that example.

She needs a family lawyer specialising in abused women, could you help her with one? I’d also recommend she gets advice from women’s aid - maybe they can help her with the process of finding a lawyer.

How can kicking the door off its hinges in anger not be violent? These kids have got no chance by the sound of it.

There’s two separate things which I think you’re confusing.

1. Divorce financial settlement. If she gave up her career to support his, this will be reflected in the final settlement - she could get 75% of the assets (which will include his pension) as an example.
2. The second is the child arrangements and is separate to the above. He may well get 50/50 and not pay any maintenance. In the short term she could claim UC to top up her income while re-training or seeking more hours in the longer term.

a man who bashes his child's bedroom door off its hinges is, by definition, a violent person.

If this was truly an aberration, he would be mortified and seeking help for his behaviour.

The fact that he's not, suggests that actually he thinks its okay or that he doesn' thav eto take respoinsibility because he was angry or whatver. That is violence.

Violence isn't always beating your wife black and blue.

If my (ex) husband kicked my son's door off its hinges, there's no way I'd be allowing him to have unsupervised contact tbh.

For me there are two issues - the fact she gave up her earning power to care for their children means she should fight for more % of assets in the divorce. But is separate from custody.

Re. Custody, not to focus on the financial aspect at all but it is relevant who is currently default parent and what the children want, how it will impact them going 50/50. Luckily they are older so maybe a lawyer can help represent their wishes too?

edit to add - she also needs to take the kid to report the kicking the door incident to the police. Tell them she was scared to before. It’s about building up a picture for the court.

I never get this narrative. Parents who both work full time have thriving careers by having childcare. He would have done just as well if he had children with a career woman.

I get that's not what they wanted, but she did have the choice in her life path too.

He has every right to have his children half the time, he is leaving the relationship not the kids.

If he thought he would be a lowsy parent then by all means go for 100% giving the details why. But wanting them full time for the cash is shitty. Time for her to use the spare time to focus on her career too. Otherwise what will she do when the kids grow up and all she has is £1200 a month to house herself

He's playing a game. I'd say let him have full custody and she reclaim her career. Watch how quickly this falls apart, then she will have the children. This is why so many women say focus on your career, never rely on anyone regardless of gender. Pay for childcare.

How is she an abused woman because he kicked a door once? Even op doesn’t think he’s violent, and if he was abusive, that would be OPs reason for wanting to avoid 50/50, but it’s quite obviously all about financial gain.

She is much better off looking to the future than dwelling on the past. If she had a career before being a teaching assistant, she should look at women returner programs that offer support and opportunities. Even if she gets child support, it will stop in a maximum of 7 years. Better to get back on the career ladder now and have an extra 7 years of progress and pension contributions.

If there is coercive control then the DF should not have custody. However, family courts don't seem to recognise the effects of coercive control on children. Your DSis should go for full-custody with access rights for her ex e.g. every other week-end. He pays maintenance.

My career would not have thrived in the same way if DH had not been a SAHD when our chidren were small. I apprecite that's not true for everyone, but it cetainly was for me.

Also, for a lot of families who choose to have one career and one carer, it's not even always about thriving, it's about agreeing that this makes life easier for everyone. But that's still a sacrifice one is making. I have a good friend in this situation. Her and her DH are both happy with the way they do it. It's fine. But she would not be able to go back to work at the same level she left, and 15 yearws has passed in the meantime, so if they did get divorced, I wouldl 100% expect her to get a big financial settlement.

Ah yeah great idea, tell her kids they need to live with their dad full time until he kicks them back out. That wont fuck them up for life being rejected by both parents at all 🙄

Your sister needs to think long term, as she won't be receiving child maintenance forever even if she gets it. It might be better for her to have the kids part time if it enables her to get a better paying job.

Has she applied for all the benefits she can do? She would get universal credit on the wage she is on

She's a teaching assistant. Even if she were to return to work full-time, she'd barely be earning enough to support herself on, let alone two children. Some - in fact, most - people don't achieve high-flying careers, and those that do have usually had plenty of parental support, an expensive education, and are probably academically gifted to start off with.

Her marriage and the decision to have children was based on their ability to combine their incomes. That's no longer the case. That doesn't mean she should just be left to fend for herself now.

If he doesn't have time for childcare then he will be paying for it on his days. She can do the same if she gets a FT job.

It's a bit depressing that she's thinking about having someone else pay for her life rather than figuring out how she can pay for herself.

If I was her I’d try get part of the agreement to be him subsidising her for a bit while she does teacher training and then she can teach rather than TA.
yes, I’m a teacher and yes, I work school hours plus bits at home but I have the holidays with my kids and won’t give that up. After 6 years she’ll be at the top of the main pay scale and the pensions still pretty decent

She's not asking someone to 'pay for her life', she's working out what's fair and best for the kids. She can't support them herself on a part-time teaching assistant's wage, or even a full-time one.

Her husband is clearly looking to avoid paying his fair share towards the kids. 50/50 usually ends up with the mum doing - and paying - for everything, out here in the real world. But yeah I guess she'll be able to fit retraining to be a CEO into that schedule somewhere.

Some of these answers are a bit unfair OP. I think that the husband has a huge advantage by having had a wife to cover all the childcare. I think that dads do deserve to have a joint role but unfortunately some dads are awful and are unable to be a good influence. I think that she needs to concentrate on what she feels is best for her kids and herself. i really hate the attitude that 'she was an idiot to give up her full time job' as I have seen in so many cases that the dad is encouraging the mum to do that so he can concentrate on his career. I think if the kids don't want 50/50 then that will be considered by the court. I have seen examples of kids who have hated this arrangement, They are at senior school and it is up to them. Kids aren't possessions. I hope there is a good outcome OP.

My friends divorce is almost through, she was a SAHP for 15 years, children now both at University. The solicitors involved has cost thousands. She has however got far more of the house equity so she only needs a small mortgage. There is this to consider as well, it’s a bit crap but she has an immediate housing need. She is not having 50% of his pension in trade of for more equity.Have another friend that settled like this, she was like your sister with lower paid PT work but you need a house right now. So though the figures looked close to 50/50 there is the actual split of assets to consider.