low-paid mum being coerced into 50/50 custody

[SillyFinch]

so... my vulnerable younger sister (eating disorder and very low self esteem) is facing divorce. Her husband is driving the split and we're not quite sure whether he has been having an affair or not. Seems 'matter of fact' about it all. She is devastated. He wants 50/50 custody, which I believe would remove child support (for two kids) from her end. She is a teaching assistant and earns a very low wage. He is on approx £60,000. He is hoping that once the equity of the estate is split, he will be done, financially, in terms of supporting her. She can't possibly survive on her wage (£1200 take-home a month), a job that she took on to work around childcare. She is doing most of the childcare and always has done. For the sons' early years, he actively wanted her to be an at-home mother, and so she gave up her career. There's also a reasonable suspicion of coercive control from him too. He is really pushing the 50/50 custody split. Should she go for full custody? Should she view herself as a housewife rather than a ft worker?

She should do what’s best for the children as that’s what the court will aim for.

If they go 50/50 then he does 50% of the childcare so she can work more. Plus if she changed her job because of more availability to work she would likely still get some element of UC which would cover 85% of before/after school childcare etc so she could work more hours even when does have them. Being a "housewfie" as a single parent really isn't a viable option unless one of the children is very young and even then...

Should she view herself as a housewife rather than a ft worker?

Why would she do that? Do you mean she’d quit her job?

If they go 50/50 then your sister can go full time and doesn’t have to only work term time jobs. She will have a lot more money then. Is she seeking help for her ED as that’s not good for her children to see.

He probably prefers the state to pay her top up benefits than for him to pay child support, despite being the higher earner.

She can work more if he has 50/50, and unfortunately what’s best for her is not relevant. It’s about the kids. If she feels he is genuinely dangerous to the kids then she should go for full custody, although you’ve said nothing to indicate she would get that. If he’s not genuinely dangerous then 50/50 sounds fair. Make sure she speaks to a solicitor about the divorce.

Apologies, I was not clear enough there. I mean in terms of the divorce. Her low wage is a result of the marriage and is clearly not enough for her to live on once they split. So should she go for full custody and get more child support from the husband, whose career was built around her doing all the childcare?

But the children are entitled to have a relationship with their dad, and if that means that he gets them 50% of the time, then that’s what happens.

She cannot use the amount of child support as an argument for higher custody. The kids are not cash cows.

To add - she could, however, argue for a higher percentage of assets given that her reduced income capability is due to supporting her husband.

And I know you’re saying there’s a coercive control, but her low earning is the result of her deciding to change career and take a low earning job. That was no one‘s decision only hers ultimately.

they would still see him, but she would get some help in order to provide them with a home. And it doesn't have to be 50/50 either, it could be that he gets them 2 days a week, say, bearing in mind that he works longer hours and doesn't seem to have time for childcare right now

A quick look on the CMS calculator suggests he’d still be expected to pay £300 a month, even with 50/50.

But no guarantee he’d pay it. He’s probably smart enough to find a way to avoid it, unfortunately.

If he’s not dangerous to the children, I also see absolutely no reason why he shouldn’t have them equally, they’re his kids too.

No, she can try and get full residency but it’s not solely up to her and doing it so she can get child support isn’t okay. The children have a right to a meaningful relationship with both patents. Do they have a house to split? Pensions? He’s not a very high earner and she can increase her earnings, they each need to aim for financial independence.

People often say men want 50/50 to avoid child support but women going for 100/0 to maximise it is just as bad. Why does she think they shouldn’t have decent time with their dad beyond wanting more money?

This. Without a back up plan/safety net of my own, I would literally never make myself so obviously vulnerable.

She can try and find a full time job and claim UC in the meantime. Courts will agree to 50/50 if it’s in the children’s best interests

What does her solicitor say?

He can pay for childcare. In divorce everything changes.

In her position I think I’d start by asking some more questions to check his understanding of 50/50. So, specifically I’d ask:

How he is wanting to split the 50/50 (Ie a week at a time each or fixed days and then alternating weekends etc)

What childcare he will be using on his days, and that he understands that she won’t be available and he will need to pay for this.

How he wants to split joint costs like shoes, coats, uniforms etc.

Once he realises the reality he may step back. Otherwise, if he is serious about doing 50/50 I think that she should go for it and use the time to focus on her career so that in 5 years she out earns him 😊

the solicitor feels that she should go for a stronger outcome for her, as her husband's career was in no small part enabled by her unpaid work looking after the kids - which he engineered. So, he walks away with his wage/career and she's left picking up the pieces that helped to ringfence it.

She should go for a stronger outcome for her in the divorce settlement sure, but in the custody agreement it isn’t about getting more money, it’s about what’s best for the kids.

If he genuinely can't do 50/50 because of his job, then she needs to demonstrate that and go for 70/30 60/40 etc. Child matters get dealt with first and then the finances come from there.

Unless he's a very high earner, she's unlikely to get any spousal maintenance or extra money from him moving forward if he isn't willing. Some men I know have out of kindness as they do appreciate the sacrifice the woman has made, but plenty don't!

She's in a strong position if she can demonstrate he won't be able to do regular custody, take them to hobbies, Drs, sick days, holidays etc. It also depends how old they are.

the kids originally said they wanted to live with her

If it’s 50/50, she can work more hours and maximise her income. Long term, this is the outcome which is expected. She needs a long term solution in any case.

This 100%. I went through my divorce. I came out a little bit better than my ex. We have 50-50 custody he earns about 20 K more than me. I do not get child maintenance. He does however pay the very small childcare that we have. And when I say very small, it is less than 50 quid a week. I always worked full-time, but this enables me to work full-time and not have to worry about School pick up sand drop-offs half of the week. There’s benefits that can be made in other areas it’s not always in terms of money being handed over though.

Does she have legal representation for the divorce? She should not be signing off on anything without that as he may have pension/savings that she is entitled to have a share of hidden away.

She shouldn’t go for full custody just to gain the extra income, however does the dad have a plan on how he will care for the kids 50% of the time?Can he do the school run? Will he manage childcare for after school on his days and in the school holidays? Do they have bedrooms and everything else they need at his house? If he hasn’t thought this through then he is likely trying to avoid paying maintenance.

Both parents need to have a think and decide what will meet the needs of the children and provide consistenty and routine for them.

If 50/50 doesnt work, she can go to CMS anytime and have maintenance started/adjusted, but if he’s a good dad who wants to care for his kids equally and they are happy, then she shouldn’t try to stop that for financial gain.