low-paid mum being coerced into 50/50 custody

[SillyFinch]

so... my vulnerable younger sister (eating disorder and very low self esteem) is facing divorce. Her husband is driving the split and we're not quite sure whether he has been having an affair or not. Seems 'matter of fact' about it all. She is devastated. He wants 50/50 custody, which I believe would remove child support (for two kids) from her end. She is a teaching assistant and earns a very low wage. He is on approx £60,000. He is hoping that once the equity of the estate is split, he will be done, financially, in terms of supporting her. She can't possibly survive on her wage (£1200 take-home a month), a job that she took on to work around childcare. She is doing most of the childcare and always has done. For the sons' early years, he actively wanted her to be an at-home mother, and so she gave up her career. There's also a reasonable suspicion of coercive control from him too. He is really pushing the 50/50 custody split. Should she go for full custody? Should she view herself as a housewife rather than a ft worker?

Thus is all wrong.

If she wants to go after more money in the settlement based on the fact that she took a lower paid job to support his career that’s fine.

But to try to deny the Father time with his children (and deny them time with him) purely to line her pocket is gross.

There's also the benefits she would get

What do you mean it's not fare a woman takes 100% of it on?

As you said it is a choice 2 people make. She has a choice whether to give up a career or just take a short break and get back into it when the kids get a tad older.

My friend's partner, as the lower earner, offered to be a SAHP, she said no. She did not want to get up each day while he stays at home. I couldn't do that either. Guess there is some kind of sexist element to it that many women are less keen on having their partner stay at home while they work. Also i guess it would feel emasculating to many men to have their partner support them, while women feel it is more socially accepted

Why on earth would you assume their father is a stranger? Odd comment with nothing to back that up. Just because he worked full time to provide for his family, does not mean he is a stranger. What about mothers who work full time? Are they strangers too?

Given that the post the poster commented on was about the father using childcare, seems obvious that the poster was referring to the childcare providers as strangers, not the father.

Childcare arrangements are not made or ordered on the basis of one party’s low pay meaning that they need the CM, but on what’s best for the kids. Previous status quo as primary carer is also irrelevant, if the other parent ca. demonstrate that they can alter their working arrangements to accommodate 50/50.

As they’re married, she will probably end up with more than 50% of the assets, which will help somewhat. She can also get a better paid job now that he’ll be doing 50% of the childcare. I used to be part time and do all the childcare, now I’m full time and earn about 1/3 more than before the divorce

I’ve not read the full thread but she would probably gets benefits for a low wage. But this will be short term solution until her dc age out of the benefits system. Everyone gets poorer in divorce.
The decision about children should not be influenced by money. The dc always know when this is the case and it’s damaging to them.
If the 15 year old doesn’t want to go their views would count for a lot. At 16 they don’t have to live with either parent.
If care is 50:50 she has to be really firm that means holidays, if dc are sick, snow days a really clear agreement who is responsible for which day of the week and costs for that day so she can maximise her work. She may find over time he can’t fit this round his job and doesn’t do 50:50 in which case CMS can review the CM due.
There is no hurry to reach any financial agreement, she shouldn’t make decisions while upset - if it went to court it would take a year at least to sort out.
she could move out, claim benefits and rent somewhere for her and dc while the house is sold and divorce goes through if he can afford the bills himself. This can also give time to see how things play out eg re an affair partner / how much care he actually does. Get her to use benefits calculator
If there is coercive control and he’s railroading her thinking he holds all the financial cards then claiming benefits and renting would remove his control.
As a TA she can easily pick up extra work evenings and weekends eg care work or working for family with disabled child. Is there any prospect of her being able to retrain eg as a teacher?
She would probably get a bigger share assets and a share his pension to compensate for her taking time out workplace. But she needs to get into the mindset that she needs to financially rely on herself. Even if she got CM it is easy to avoid eg he could quit his job and go self employed or move abroad.