low-paid mum being coerced into 50/50 custody

[SillyFinch]

so... my vulnerable younger sister (eating disorder and very low self esteem) is facing divorce. Her husband is driving the split and we're not quite sure whether he has been having an affair or not. Seems 'matter of fact' about it all. She is devastated. He wants 50/50 custody, which I believe would remove child support (for two kids) from her end. She is a teaching assistant and earns a very low wage. He is on approx £60,000. He is hoping that once the equity of the estate is split, he will be done, financially, in terms of supporting her. She can't possibly survive on her wage (£1200 take-home a month), a job that she took on to work around childcare. She is doing most of the childcare and always has done. For the sons' early years, he actively wanted her to be an at-home mother, and so she gave up her career. There's also a reasonable suspicion of coercive control from him too. He is really pushing the 50/50 custody split. Should she go for full custody? Should she view herself as a housewife rather than a ft worker?

Two separate financial issues here I'd say, maybe three:

1. Arguably, her earnings have been negatively impacted by the joint decision to allow him to focus on his career while she took on the bulk of hte childcare, resulting her not having a good salary, or career prospects. On that basis, I'd be pushing for MORE than 50% of the assets - I'd say at least 60% - to help her start fresh
2. 50/50 would mean he's responsible for more childcare etc, so she'd have to step up to work more. That's not unreasonable and I don't think any court would say it is. I would make sure that any financial agreement when it comes to 50:50 spells out exactly how larger non-day-to-day costs are split - phones, clothes, clubs/extra curricular etc ot ensure that's done at least 50:50, or if she can swing it, that he takes on more of it.
3. If the chidren are old enough to have an opinion, and don't want 50:50, there's a strong case to say that this won't be agreed by the court.

From a financial perspective, she needs to make sure she’s getting the child benefit, and should be able to claim UC top ups.

Custody arrangements should be whatever is best for the kids, whatever the outcome, they don’t need childcare at their ages so it shouldn’t prevent her working more or finding a different job

Why would she think she doesn’t have to work full time and view herself as a ‘housewife’

Even with kids there’s no reason she can’t work full time

She would have been timing out of getting maintenance from him anyway fairly soon anyway, and at their ages she could be working full time as it is, and could have been for a while.

Her job and wages have nothing to do with if they go 50/50 . Are you suggesting she apply for full custody just so she can claim child support? . If he is a good dad I can’t see the issue with him going for 50/50

I’m not sure what difference she thinks it would make anyway. There’s no reward in divorce for being a housewife. That was a choice.

She doesn’t come across well wanting to argue against 50/50 because she thinks it will give her more money from her ex. They need to discuss what an equal split would look like and start from there. Kids voices would be taken into consideration in court due to their age, but if she mentions she’s against it due to financial gain it will go down like a sack of bricks. She needs to regroup, accept this is her life now and get a job with higher pay. She can also claim UC to top her wage up if necessary. She isn’t her exes responsibility.

Tell my partner too who has his kids half of the time and would love to have them full time

How old are the kids? She cannot stop 50/50 if that is what he genuinely wants but if she believes he is incapable of doing 50% she can start evidencing that now. Eg she could tell him via text or email, ok lets trial 50/50 from Monday and keep evidence of 'that will not be possible for me to do because of x,y and z. She dissapears for 'his half' and offers zero help in things he should already know, correct uniform, drop off and pick up times etc. Document anywhere he drops the ball.

I've just seen the update. At those ages the court will take into account the childrens wishes.

And what do you think this will achieve? This won’t stop court awarding 50/50 if they see fit. A diary of his failures, by his ex who wants full time custody for financial reasons is not going to be looked at,

It’s correct that they will take the children’s wishes into account at their age. Although ‘originally they wanted to stay with her’ suggests that’s no longer the case.

Kids at high school don't need wraparound care.
Whilst it's nice to work term time hours, you don't need to.
I'd be mindful of your solicitors advice, but there's also an opportunity here for your friend to change her working pattern and get a better job.
Financial independence is much sweeter than benefits or begrudged payment from a resentful ex. Let him shoulder 50% of the costs of bringing up teenagers.

No not if she is locking herself and her child into poverty.

She should offer to give him 100% custody and be a weekend mum.

He will get paid the minimum child support and have to fully finance his childs childcare so he can keep his 60k job.

She can offer to get a full time job and work to improve her earning power.

Hopefully he realises that he will have to make a fair division of assets to make it financially viable for your sister to offer to take on more of the responsibility.

She won't be a wife any longer so she can't be a 'housewife'

If she is vulnerable with mental health problems then it probably isn't going to be good for the kids to live with her full time. She needs to focus on building up her life and getting healthy. No reason she can't build uo her earnings, she needs to be financial independent

As a warning - if she tries to isolate the kids from their dad (parental alienation) she could risk losing them entirely, it's considered abuse and parents can have custody removed for this. The best thing for the kids is usually 50/50 with an amicable relationship between parents and both parents financially stable.

He was entitled to leave the relationship if he wan't happy, and no one should be expected to fund another adult without their consent. Your sister will be fine, she can go on UC, get a better job and find happiness again, while her ex will have to navigate the mental load 50% of the time!

A diary of evidence that he cannot genuinely stick to a 50/50 arrangement will be considered by a court eg him say he wants the children on a Monday and she has documents showing he said he cannot look after the children that day, evidence he failed to pick the kids up from school on his time etc will be taken into account. It is irrelevant here after OPs updates though as the kids are old enough to have their views taken into account.

This is tough but your DSis is likely to be better off in many ways when the divorce is settled. The children’s living arrangements should not be looked at outwith the finances and whatever the ex wishes the court will take the whole picture into account including the DCs’ wishes.
They no longer need childcare so DSis should try to get better paid employment full time. Because her career was interrupted the court may well decide that she is entitled to more than 50% of the assets as everyone needs somewhere to live. I would encourage DSis to put the past behind her ( hard) and to look forward to the rest of her life free of the coercion.

That’s a very sad way to look at things for monetary gain. Definitely not co parenting.
Does that also mean any day she wishes to change contact or asks someone else to pick the dc up from school she’s also unsuitable to be main carer?

She'll need to get a full time job with children of those ages - they don't need wrap around care. I suspect 15 year old will be allowed to choose their own path and 11 year old likely to follow in their footsteps.

she needs to maybe get more hours and potentially universal credit. He prob wont get 50/50 if he cant do the school pick ups/drop offs

They are 11 and 15 - do they need school pick-ups/drop offs?

If she's extremely vulnerable and is suffering from a life threatening psychiatric illness would it really be appropriate and in the children's best interests for her to have full custody?

You seem to be saying she can only support them if she has them all the time and doesn't work? Or continues to work part time? Well no, she needs to be able to work more to support her children. If she's too sick then fair enough. But that doesn't mean full custody will be the best option. And they do deserve an equal relationship with their father.

The law is changing on parental alienation, isn't it? After it was found to be, on the whole, a crock of shite that landed vulnerable children with abusive parents, like the man who killed his children.

I don't think we have the evidence to suggest her mental health issues would have a negative effect on her kids, do we?

A very sad way to look at it indeed I know coparenting can be very hard but that’s what it is. You’re still parenting and you’re still parenting with that person. I have 50-50 with my ex but in the situation where either of us needs help due to work constraints or anything else we are more than happy to help each other out. We’re not REALLY doing it for each other, we’re doing it for the kids. For example, my ex had a wedding to attend a few weekends ago so asked me could I have a children on this weekend? I was more than happy to oblige. They’re my children, I want to spend time with them. Similarly, I had to go away for work for a whole week last year. I told him far enough in advance, it was no problem. It is possible to coparent and coparent well.

I am not discussing the monetary game I am answering OPs question. On the flip side, if Dad really wanted to coparent he would have done so for the last 15 years so his ex could have built a decent career too and his maybe then children would view him more as a coparent and want the 50/50.

nope. Possibly, the other way round