low-paid mum being coerced into 50/50 custody

[SillyFinch]

so... my vulnerable younger sister (eating disorder and very low self esteem) is facing divorce. Her husband is driving the split and we're not quite sure whether he has been having an affair or not. Seems 'matter of fact' about it all. She is devastated. He wants 50/50 custody, which I believe would remove child support (for two kids) from her end. She is a teaching assistant and earns a very low wage. He is on approx £60,000. He is hoping that once the equity of the estate is split, he will be done, financially, in terms of supporting her. She can't possibly survive on her wage (£1200 take-home a month), a job that she took on to work around childcare. She is doing most of the childcare and always has done. For the sons' early years, he actively wanted her to be an at-home mother, and so she gave up her career. There's also a reasonable suspicion of coercive control from him too. He is really pushing the 50/50 custody split. Should she go for full custody? Should she view herself as a housewife rather than a ft worker?

You're linking him to men who kill thier children because he wants to leave the relationship and have his children 50%, and doesn't want to fund his ex staying at home?!

OP said he sister had an ED and was vulnerable and implied that was why she needed someone else to pay for her, sounds like significant mental health issues

Your sister needs a good lawyer. Can she prove domestic abuse or coercive control? If so she may be able to access legal aid. Also, get the solicitor to remind the dickhead H that it’s 50% of his pension and the house equity that she is entitled to.

As others have said, her decision should be based on what is best for the children, not what is best for her from a financial perspective. She can find full-time employment.

What does that mean? The kids will have a negative impact on her mental health?

At 11 and 15 she really should be looking at full time work anyway, regardless of the amount of custody. There’s no reason why she can’t work more at those ages, and it won’t be long until she gets no CMS for the older child anyway. Isn’t there a minimum number of hours to work for UC?

She should go for full custody. From the sounds of it he's very unpleasant and it doesn't matter if she goes full time, if he's going for 50/50 mainly to avoid paying child support then it doesn't indicate that he will pay his fair share of costs and she will still be landed with them - this happens ALL THE TIME. 50/50 custody but the mother still paying for all the school uniforms etc.

I think the 50/50 thing is slightly a red herring - the kids are older and will/can choose where to spend their time. They don't need school pick ups/drop offs and don't need after school care. Of course if your sister technically has them more than 50/50 she would get some child maintenance but it would be better to focus on:
getting a more full time job / higher pay
getting a larger cut of the assets as she can prove she has given up her career to raise children

Ultimately it goes back to what I say on these threads every single time - married or not married do not give up your career or take a dip in salary or pension contributions ever, If divorce (or worse) happens we need to be able to provide for ourselves and our children.

it could be argued that the husband is a danger

Currently going through court…finances won’t really come into CAO

She can argue she’s been the main carer and that’s the status quo but nothing about money. That’s for a financial order

To who? And why? Is there actual evidence?

With two secondary aged kids, it is hard to argue that she needs to be part time round them. She needs to start planning longer term as well. They will not be at home forever so she needs to start thinking how to support herself after that. The sooner that is started, the better.

I also am not convinced there is a strong argument that her role has enabled his career. A £60k salary is above average, but not exactly rock star level.

No, I am thinking about the law on parental alienation - you brought that up, not the OP.

I don't think it has anything to do with him. If you don't either, perhaps let's leave it out?

If they’re splitting custody 50/50 your sister will be able to work more hours as she will only have to think about childcare for half of her time.

True, unfortunately. My ex demanded 50:50 but that lasted one weekend. He discovered he had to deal with stinky nappies, get up in the night, manage meal times and that nothing happened in a hurry. He couldn't play tennis or go to the pub with his mates. After that first weekend, he didn't have ds by himself until ds was reliably toilet trained and able to use a knife & fork.

Perhaps your friend should leave her dcs with him for a whole week, and see how he gets on. It might change his mindset.

one example. Recently kicked the kid's bedroom door off the hinges because the boy asked him to turn the music down at 12.30am on a Sunday night

And has she reported this to the police or anyone?

Does that also mean any day she wishes to change contact or asks someone else to pick the dc up from school she’s also unsuitable to be main carer?

Sorry, I missed answering this part of your question. There is a big difference between the parent who's contact time it is arranging childcare on their time and saying 'sorry no can do, you'll have to be the default parent' to the other parent. It is irrelevant here as I say as the DC are older.

she hasn't reported it to the police, no. But the wider family and friends know. As does the kid

I often suggest that when the ex-husband is suggesting 50/50 care, you immediately implement it on a week-on, week-off basis. If they are properly set up for 50/50 they will be able to manage it. If not, they will have to re-consider that part of the plan. Don't accept that the 50/50 can be (say) a few nights here and there, more in the holidays and weekends.

However, make sure that she gets a UC claim in before, and gets the Child Benefit, to help cement those parts of the income!

Is there a reason she’s not protecting her kids from his violent behaviour? It’s not like she’s even the one leaving him

He's going to have to make time. If he wants 50/50 split then tough shit for him, he will have to make arrangements around his job to fit in the childcare that he so desperately wants to do.
He can't ask for 50/50 then toddle off to work only wanting rhem at weekends or whatever to suit his work needs.
I sympathise with your sister, it's mostly the women that are penalised when it comes to childcare and work arrangements etc.
I think she should go 50/50 so she can work more, and he then can see what it's like to have to sacrifice work around children. He can't have his cake and eat it.
However, you need to look into what state help she would get for either option you are proposing. He should pay child maintenance and he will be made to. Do they have to pay child maintenance if it's 50/50 custody? I'm not sure, but if they don't then she needs to see what option is best for her, regarding getting the child maintenance from him or state help etc.

Why would you drip feed this kind of information? THIS is what your original post should’ve been about not the fact that she wanted to be a housewife compensated for having the children full-time.

He’s either a danger to his children or he isn’t, and I suspect that if he was, that would have been the focus of your OP instead of trying to find out how he can still be made to financially support your sister after divorce. Him being abusive to his children is clearly not a genuine concern.

Living with people with mental health issues is not easy and it can be a miserable experience. This man has valid reason for divorce, and even if he didn’t, it’s still his right to leave a marriage he no longer wants. He has a responsibility to provide for his children, not their mother. Just the same as the mother has a responsibility to provide for her children too.

11 and 15... She should have gone back to full time work years ago.

If she is in the grips of an eating disorder does she have capability of caring for them alone full time?

just seen that the kids are 11 and 15. the 15 year-old will generally be able to decide what living arrangements they want.