low-paid mum being coerced into 50/50 custody

[SillyFinch]

so... my vulnerable younger sister (eating disorder and very low self esteem) is facing divorce. Her husband is driving the split and we're not quite sure whether he has been having an affair or not. Seems 'matter of fact' about it all. She is devastated. He wants 50/50 custody, which I believe would remove child support (for two kids) from her end. She is a teaching assistant and earns a very low wage. He is on approx £60,000. He is hoping that once the equity of the estate is split, he will be done, financially, in terms of supporting her. She can't possibly survive on her wage (£1200 take-home a month), a job that she took on to work around childcare. She is doing most of the childcare and always has done. For the sons' early years, he actively wanted her to be an at-home mother, and so she gave up her career. There's also a reasonable suspicion of coercive control from him too. He is really pushing the 50/50 custody split. Should she go for full custody? Should she view herself as a housewife rather than a ft worker?

Unfortunately, what children want is not always what’s beneficial for them.

If she’s only having the children for half the week then her grocery bill will be less, also she’s going to be using less gas/electri/water, so her utility bills will be less too, so she’ll be saving money there. Also her husband will have to provide clothes for the children when he has them so she won’t be buying them as much

I'd support her to listen to her solicitor, TBH. But I think she should also weigh up the costs (emotional as well as financial) of getting into what might become a battle.

My situation isn't anything like as polarised as your sister's, but I would say: parents who were happy for the other parent to do the lion's share of parenting while they were together don't suddenly change. I'm just over two years on from splitting up with my ex, and there is still a constant stream of silly questions, last minute requests, and helpless 'oh goodness I can't find a school jumper, what can I do?' type texts.

I just keep a firm line. I ensure my DD has what she needs, and if my ex cannot get it together, it is not my problem.

And I don't think my ex is as hopeless as most men, especially a man who's relied on his partner as much as it seems your sister's partner has!

It would not at all surprise me if the 50/50 idea turned out to be very short-lived.

What your sister does need to be careful about (as a PP says) is getting clarity that if they are doing 50/50, this also means splitting the cost and the organisational faff of clothes, equipment, clubs and activities, etc. It doesn't sound as if they're there yet, but if they do get to a point where they're doing this relatively amicably, there is a Cafcass plan you can fill in, and it allows for lots of detail, so you can specify things like 'we will take turns to buy school shoes' or whatever. That means he needs to step up and do the boring bit of sitting in Clarks, not just shelling out money.

He may realise this is not so much fun as he imagined.

How old are the dc?

She doesn’t have to stay a teaching assistant forever. Other jobs with more available hours do exist, and she will be able to work them if she only has 50/50 care.

She will be awarded a fair share of marital assets in the divorce and the courts should make the residency arrangement that is best for the children. The court won’t make a decision based on one parent wanting to stay in a low paid part time job indefinitely, and nor should it.

don't worry - he won't actually go to 50/50 ... men just say that to avoid paying for their own children "She'll just spend it on her nails!!"and very very very rarely follow though once they realise it actually means they have their kids half the time, pay for half the stuff, need a house big enough to accommodate them properly, and have to do things like feed them, take them to school, clubs, parties, friends houses etc etc

I know two families who make 50/50 work perfectly well.

We also do 50/50. There was no money motivation behind it, he’s a great Dad and he wanted to spend time with his dc and they want to spend time with him.

Someone should tell my partner, whose son lives with us full time.

All the feeding and clothing him we’re doing, who knew that him being a man meant he wouldn’t be doing it!

good for you... facts are that most men don't want 50/50 in reality ... they just want to avoid paying to raise their own kids.

so you're an exception - so what?

MOST MEN don't actually want 50/50....

Depressingly, IME, it is perfectly possible for a parent to decide that some of those things are optional. My DD's other parent doesn't bother to do playdates because it's too much trouble and there is a running theme of 'hmm, DD does seem to be 'ill' an awful lot on certain days, doesn't she?' from school.

If I were the OP's sister I would want to have this sort of possibility in mind while she works out what to do.

Ultimately, you cannot control the way your co-parent decides to parent, outside of very basic minimum requirements. IME it is much easier all round to accept this, decide which battles are worth fighting, and then construct strategies for minimising the extent to which everything else affects the children. You do not want a situation where a child feels torn between two parents, but children very quickly pick up what's going on and will realise if daddy is constantly the parent saying 'oops, I forgot this' or 'oh dear, mummy always sorted that out so I don't know how'.

Being married doesn’t mean low wages…in the unlikely event that her xH does actually sign up to 50/50 then she needs to improve her earnings.

Most men don’t want their own children?

We’ll wait for some tangible evidence of that, that isn’t based on anecdotes and sexism.

There are plenty of capable fathers who raise their own kids.

Who asked them? How old are they?

It sounds like the mother in this situation wants to avoid paying for her own kids seeing as she thinks she has a right to stay in a low paid part time job after divorce, despite having children to feed.

The father in this situation is offering to do his fair share of childcare, so why shouldn’t the mother have to do her fair share of financial support, without relying on her ex or the government.

he did. In front of her

they're 11 and 15

At 11 and 15 they deserve to have their say on who they want to live with. I can imagine a lot of teenagers wouldn’t want to be going back and forth 50/50.

Whatever is best for the children she should fight for. If 50/50 goes ahead then she can work more and earn more as she won’t be doing all the childcare her ex will have to arrange it for his days.

50/50 is good for the children in most healthy families, so he’s not the villain for pursuing that. Wanting child support also isn’t a great reason to reduce his parenting time, so best not to focus on that.

At 11 and 15 - especially 15 - they should get some say.

But also, at 11 and 15, there won't be masses of 'childcare' to be doing.

I do think it's shit, FWIW. He's got her to do the childcare and the low-paid job for the hard bit, and she's taken the career hit. And that is very hard (especially if there's the possibility of coercive behaviour!). But now it's done and while I think she should absolutely make sure she gets what she is legally entitled to get, it seems quite likely he's in a strong position.

At 11 and 15, there is no need to be working TA hours around childcare anymore imo.
she could find a better paid 9 to 5 job essentially. They can be on their own for an hour in the early evening.

So regardless of what they ‘go for’ the kids will get a say anyway. She doesn’t need a job to work around childcare anymore so there’s no reason for her to stay in that job

She needs to be matter of fact too.

If she does agree to 50:50 is he the kind of dad who will follow through?

Id say to him “okay let’s try it - 50:50 starts now - you need to pay to put the kids in afterschool and breakfast club to free me up so I can start applying for full time work. That’s only fair. Also - you can take dc1 to dentist on Tuesday 4pm, and you can sort out birthday gift for dc2 to take to party on Sunday. Your turn to do the grocery shop on Saturday and let’s split chores - I’ll Lee the kitchen clean, you can do bathroom twice a week. You can cook dinners on T, Th and Fri - I’ll cook Sat Sun Mon Wed. Please make sure you shop for the whole week and write the meal plan on the whiteboard I’ve stuck on the kitchen fridge, so I know what I’m cooking. Ive also put some items on our WhatsApp shopping list group so dont forget. Oh also - can you sort out booking parents evening for us - I don’t mind what time, letter came yesterday so you should have in your inbox. Next week - if you can drop off the kids to school, I’ll do the pickups. On Sunday suggest you take dc2 to football and then head straight to the shops to get his new school shoes. Next can you think about holiday club for half term? If I’m starting a new job both kids will
need club and currently I can’t afford it. If you book by 31 Jan there’s a 10% discount so needs planning let me know. Thanks.”

He needs to feel how hard this is - needs to be ruthlessly 50:50 right away so he can see what he is in for.

Need lots of WhatsApp chat and shared calendars and EVERYTHING re the kids is now shared .