36 years and my husband left us for a 24 year old

[MydaughterandI]

I'm in pieces, I just don't want to carry on. Last week was supposed to be the nicest time for all of us, our 18 years old daughter starting university. Instead he left us without saying a word. we now know that he's been having an affair with a 24 year girl for the past year. He's 59 himself.
I just feel rubbish, humiliated. I'm missing him so much.
My daughter and I are missing eachother. But now are apart, until I sell this house.
What a mess. How can someone live their family like that?

How recent is this OP? It sounds raw in some of your posts, but in others you've already mentioned selling your house.

Of course you feel like this, but it passes. Please know that it passes. And one day you will suddenly realise that you are happier than you've ever felt before.

Your daughter is your reason for carrying on.
you got through life without him before, you can do it again.
I’m sorry you are going through this.
Your heart will heal, it will take time x

Of course your feelings aren’t going to change overnight but you cannot give up because he’s a selfish twat. He has been disrespecting you for over a year you need to get angry the love won’t fade easily but you have to protect yourself now also he could be borrowing to keep her happy spending the money on her it won’t last. I just hope you don’t take him back he hasn’t made a mistake he’s blatantly been seeing her with no thought of you.

She's not 36....

dont feel humiliated, he left you and the family. So what if the OW is 24 or 83. He’s at fault this is all on him

You do have purpose, you have all the same things in your life you had before you found out except for your lying, cheating H. He isn't your life, you have your own life. If it helps try and imagine a year from now with financial things sorted, your DD doing well at uni and you living your life.
You are going through mourning now, not for you H but the man you thought he was, only he wasn’t that man. He was a man who lied, cheated and sneaked around for at least a year.

I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP. I agree that the relationship with the OW is unlikely to last. Do you know why he’s left his job? Was OW a younger colleague maybe & he was “asked” to leave when Management found out?

If he’s actually just walked out on his job for no obvious reason & is seriously considering living on loans & credit cards with no means of repayment this sounds like a sort of breakdown. One you definitely need legal advice to distance yourself from quickly.

His timing is so selfish also, just when he knew you would be missing your daughter.

Of course you still love him, over 36 years your lives become so intertwined you are pretty much codependent. Separation is hard but you will feel better as time goes by. Do you have close friends you can talk to?

This. Don’t, ever, take him back. Awful for you, dreadful for your daughter, too.

What a bastard.

Stay strong, and get the best legal advice you can. All the best X

It doesn't really matter who owns the house as in a divorce it will 50/50 to marital assets and the same for marital debt

It must feel so awful because these are the things you thought he was but the sad truth is he was a gross, old man with an interest in very young women. You don't need that in your life. You have your wonderful daughter and you can start again. Yes it’s hard and feels almost impossible but imagine a new life where you get to do the things you want to do all the time. I bet you sacrificed plenty for him, did things for him at the cost of your own wants and needs. Now it’s all about you. Can you join some clubs? Take up new hobbies? Things you always wanted to try but never had time for. Carve out a new life, and make it fabulous so you’re surrounded by people who love you in a years time when she realises he’s old and dumps him. He’ll come running back to you and I hope you’ll slam the door in his face. No 24 year old will tolerate a 60 year old man for long, especially not one this cruel and selfish.

What a stupid, stupid selfish man - so very sorry he has behaved like this.
There will be lots of good advice on here - a good solicitor is essential I would think (sorry unsure what else) .
Obviously you will want to support your daughter but also give her room to settle at university too - I think the best way is making sure your daughter knows that you are fine (even if heartbroken try to to keep it from her) and importantly life will be good (if different) one day soon.
Sending a hug and best wishes for your Oscar winning performance - you will be happy again.

Ah okay fair enough I've misread it then. And misread some of the other posts? Either way what iv said still applies!!!

If you are married, will your home be considered marital assets if be divorces you?

As you are married and it was your marital home he has a full claim on it, get legal advice asap

@MydaughterandI I'm so sorry to read your post OP. Of course you still love him - you clearly weren't expecting anything like this at all and he's blind-sided you (and your DD).
So, he seems to be having a rather late "mid-life" crisis - does he really think a 24yr old (not much older than his own daughter!) is with him for the long-term? (Ah well, there's no fool like an old fool, I suppose, and when his fling is over he'll have nothing to show for it but debt and regret.)
You do have purpose OP - your DD - and I'm so glad you're financially secure and have the resources to move closer to her so you can support each other through this heart-breaking time. It will get easier to deal with the betrayal and confusion, but it will take a long time. And the very least he owes you is a conversation because to leave without even telling you is beyond cowardly and disrespectful.
Good luck OP. Keep moving forward - one day at a time. 💜

I felt the same as you OP when my DH had an affair after 26 years of marriage. I didn't want to carry on and I still loved him. But I did carry on for my adult son, who loves me so much. I'm so glad I did because after a while I found my anger and that made me realise that the husband I had lived with all those years no longer existed. In fact, I don't think he ever really did. You will come through this OP. Your DH is making a prize fool of himself and will end up lonely, miserable and broke. You will not.

I read it that they had 36 years together, not that she was 36?

No, luckily the house is mine. As I said, it's going on the market next week. Only wishing I could be out by Christmas.

Wrong thread. Reported to MN to remove.

I'm so sorry op 💗
It won't last and he will end up looking like a complete fool.

This happened to a few people I knew growing up (was friends with the children). It hurts like hell, for all, but it will get better as time goes on for all, the kids, the wives. The common theme I've seen is the man is actually the one who is the unhappy one long term, the grass is not greener.

My advice? Let yourself hurt, it's like grieving, everything you knew and planned gone so it's a massive shock. Be very very kind to yourself, take each day as it comes. Then once the pain and hurt start to go, start living again without him. You will be ok and really, it is his loss and there is absolutely nothing you did wrong, none of this is on you.

My ex (of 34 years) left us just over a year ago. He decided to tell me about the affair on the morning of my birthday and couldn't believe how much I fell apart - like he kept handing me presents expecting me to open them and be grateful etc. My rock, my safe place, the love of my life, father of our 4 kids then left. He didn't just leave me he's pretty much abandoned the kids too - too much responsibility/hardwork. The divorce is still in its early stages and whilst it's ongoing I feel like I'm in limbo/purgatory. However, on my birthday this year my DD2 (she's 22) wrote the following words: "Dear Mumma,

Happy Birthday

The strength you have showed us this past year will teach me to never settle for less than I'm worth and to always be bold with my emotions. You really are my biggest inspiration"

When I get lonely I pull her note out and simply stare at it.

You ARE going to cope, you have to because of your daughter. It's hell at first and although I'm only 15 months on the future doesn't feel quite so bleak. I described it to a friend as like being a total eclipse of the sun. Whilst the big black hole is incredibly scary the corona fireworks are surprisingly exciting. I get to make decisions all on my own without having to consult him etc. I can change my job, house, lifestyle - loads! Please feel free to PM if you'd like.

It entirely possible he's older than her Dad

Op the house is NOT yours