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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

DP’s ex wife making it hard for him to have the kids

154 replies

settingthestage · 05/09/2025 19:19

My partner has 2 teens. They live with their mother full time. They’re allowed to come to his once or twice a week for tea but never really sleep over and she seems not happy about them coming to sleepover as I’ve suggested he initiates this properly and ex w seems upset by this.

He only has one spare room so it is difficult, but not impossible for them to stay.

I’ve told him to set boundaries with her and insist they should be having regular overnights.

For some reason he seems to struggle with this. Any idea what his rights are legally?

OP posts:
hungrypanda4 · 06/09/2025 19:32

AmazingBouncingFerret · 05/09/2025 19:35

He’s their father, he shouldn’t have a spare room, they should have a bedroom that belongs to them with a bed each, wardrobe space and drawers. From the sounds of it he hasn’t ever made the effort and no amount of blaming the ex wife can change that.

Why is it considered some sort of parental abuse on MN to make children share rooms?

Branleuse · 06/09/2025 19:36

I think its between him, his kids and the kids mother. If they wanted to stay over they would have made that clear by now. The ex wife hasn't stopped overnight visits, but your partner thinks she didnt seem thrilled, so didnt do anything about it.

I think pushing for his teenagers to do overnights will probably backfire.

I think you should just step back and not get involved.

Rainbowqueeen · 06/09/2025 19:49

I’d consider the possibility that his ex is not happy because she knows he is not a good dad, won’t care for the DC properly or that the DC don’t want to stay overnight and she, quite rightly, wants to support them but also avoid a row.

Actions have consequences. He’s chosen to spend a few years recovering from the divorce and dating rather than stepping up to parent his children. Expecting them to wait around until he’s ready to parent and then accept whatever he offers with open arms is naive and unrealistic. He made a choice sometime ago. This is the consequence.

Efrogwraig · 06/09/2025 19:52

Let the children lead it.

DorothyStorm · 06/09/2025 19:58

hungrypanda4 · 06/09/2025 19:32

Why is it considered some sort of parental abuse on MN to make children share rooms?

Show quote history

They should have a bedroom that belongs to them. And a bed each. They can share the bedroom but they both need a bed. He doesnt provide that. He has a spare room.

Livelovebehappy · 06/09/2025 20:22

He clearly isn’t bothered about having them over night. His ex isn’t bothered. So I don’t understand why you feel what you want should really matter? Stop trying to create drama where there is none. Get a hobby or something else to take up your head space.

C152 · 06/09/2025 20:27

settingthestage · 05/09/2025 19:50

I think it’s very unfair that posters are picking up on the ‘spare room’ element. He had to rent, while she stayed in the family home. Which she’s now bought him out of in an agreement which massively favours her.

He could buy but the timing isn’t right because we’d like to live together, in time, so there it makes no sense for him to buy, then sell in a couple of years to live with me.

Or he could put his role as father first and buy a home that is suitable for he and his children. Not wait a few years to see if the two of you work out and decide to/can afford to buy a house together.

It seems bizarre that you are 'helping' him find out options, when all he has to do is speak to his ex, as you say she is nice, friendly and accommodating. He's just, for some unexplained reason, got it into his head that she "seems" upset about something he hasn't asked about yet. He just needs to talk to her, and his kids.

Septemberisthenewyear · 06/09/2025 20:32

settingthestage · 05/09/2025 21:31

They have a right to overnights with their father, that was literally all I was saying

Nope, only the kids have rights, he has responsibility. If he hasn’t bothered to get 2 beds and ask them to stay in the last few years then he hasn’t lived up to his responsibilites and the girls won’t feel like they’re a priority to him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/09/2025 21:05

GiveDogBone · 06/09/2025 19:30

Ex-wife is a controlling bitch who thinks the kids are hers, not theirs. Most likely because she’d get less money if they stayed with him regularly. (Obviously the MN man-haters will try and find a way to blame him for her behaviour)

Problem is he isn’t living somewhere both of them can stay at the same time. If he wants to fight he needs to solve that (which is probably why he’s not pushing it). His best bet is one at a time.

Finally, ignore those who are telling you not to get involved (which is just another version of the man-hating), you’re perfectly entitled to support your partner, just as you’d welcome and probably expect support if the situation was reversed.

I’m going to go and give DH a hug. He always finds it amusing I get called a man-hater for recognising shitty behaviour in men. He’d tell them just to do better. But then I’m sure the ineffective, whiney, weak saddos that call women man-haters wouldn’t say it to DH (or me if he was there). He’s all big and scary-looking. They’d pee their pants.

Littlemrsconfetti · 06/09/2025 21:09

OP. He can apply to family mediation and failing that he can apply to the courts. Theres probably more to this than you are aware of.

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/09/2025 21:20

Littlemrsconfetti · 06/09/2025 21:09

OP. He can apply to family mediation and failing that he can apply to the courts. Theres probably more to this than you are aware of.

Here’s a stunning thought. Before applying for mediation he could BAH BAH BAAAAAAAAH ask the kids what they’d like.

Or buy a house, which he has the means to do, with a bedroom for them. Rather than a ‘spare’ room.

Or have offered sleepovers when they were small and mum probably could have done with a few nights off, rather than waited until they were easy teenagers. If she said no, that was the time for mediation.

Or do some work himself instead of being pushed by his GF.

Any one of a number of boring, fairly easy things.

The really obvious answer is that he wasn’t that fussed. Which is fine since they have a home and a mum who is willing to do all the hard work. But blaming the mum now for his lack of any kind of effort is a bit rich. And waiting until they are teenagers and easy and not requiring ‘care’ to keep them alive is pretty standard. Men who offer to share care of two toddlers, that’s a real dad.

cloudtreecarpet · 06/09/2025 21:44

GiveDogBone · 06/09/2025 19:30

Ex-wife is a controlling bitch who thinks the kids are hers, not theirs. Most likely because she’d get less money if they stayed with him regularly. (Obviously the MN man-haters will try and find a way to blame him for her behaviour)

Problem is he isn’t living somewhere both of them can stay at the same time. If he wants to fight he needs to solve that (which is probably why he’s not pushing it). His best bet is one at a time.

Finally, ignore those who are telling you not to get involved (which is just another version of the man-hating), you’re perfectly entitled to support your partner, just as you’d welcome and probably expect support if the situation was reversed.

Yes, it's definitely "man hating" to point out that a father is a weak, lazy arse who couldn't be bothered to properly parent his kids because he needed to "recover" from a split but was perfectly capable of finding a new woman to shack up with.

I hope he finally gets round to asking his children to stay over and they tell him to do one.
Kids aren't stupid, they see which parent puts their needs first & prioritises them.

Sounds like this dad has put his own happiness and sex life first. It's a story as old as time & now his girlfriend is doing the hard work for him.

WinterSunglasses · 06/09/2025 21:45

What has he said to you about why his marriage broke down, OP?

Morningswim · 06/09/2025 23:01

Littlemrsconfetti · 06/09/2025 21:09

OP. He can apply to family mediation and failing that he can apply to the courts. Theres probably more to this than you are aware of.

If the children are teens their views and feelings will be paramount. So that ship sailed some time ago -- roughly at the point he was too busy wallowing in self pity to brother with them

Petitchat · 07/09/2025 05:34

MrsTerryPratchett · 06/09/2025 21:20

Here’s a stunning thought. Before applying for mediation he could BAH BAH BAAAAAAAAH ask the kids what they’d like.

Or buy a house, which he has the means to do, with a bedroom for them. Rather than a ‘spare’ room.

Or have offered sleepovers when they were small and mum probably could have done with a few nights off, rather than waited until they were easy teenagers. If she said no, that was the time for mediation.

Or do some work himself instead of being pushed by his GF.

Any one of a number of boring, fairly easy things.

The really obvious answer is that he wasn’t that fussed. Which is fine since they have a home and a mum who is willing to do all the hard work. But blaming the mum now for his lack of any kind of effort is a bit rich. And waiting until they are teenagers and easy and not requiring ‘care’ to keep them alive is pretty standard. Men who offer to share care of two toddlers, that’s a real dad.

Show quote history

easy teenagers

What world do you live in 🤣

Ritasueandbobtoo9 · 07/09/2025 06:03

settingthestage · 05/09/2025 19:39

It’s taken him a few years to recover from the separation/divorce and he’s only in the headspace now to see things as they really are. People are human. He did what he thought was right at the time. Now he is reassessing that.

With all due respect, did the ex wife have few years off to get over the divorce?

GameWheelsAlarm · 07/09/2025 06:41

"Rights" is the wrong word here and betrays a power-seeking immature attitude.

Any good parent, whether their child resides with them or not, puts the wellbeing and needs of their child as more important than their own desires.

As they are teens they are perfectly capable of expressing their own opinions. If they want to spend more time with dad they are capable of saying so, and if their mum is preventing that then she is in the wrong.

So the only question is, are the children happy with visiting occasionally for tea butno overnights, or do they want more?

cloudtreecarpet · 07/09/2025 07:07

The OP won't be back to answer this.
I think she was expecting comments that backed up her slagging off of the ex wife who she clearly feels resentful towards judging by her comments about how the wife "got the kids & the house" etc.

She doesn't like that lots of posters have pointed out that her DP is a bit of a lame dad and basically haven't agreed with her.

Morningswim · 07/09/2025 07:55

Petitchat · 07/09/2025 05:34

easy teenagers

What world do you live in 🤣

Show quote history

In fairness our teens are lovely!

DorothyStorm · 07/09/2025 08:43

Morningswim · 07/09/2025 07:55

In fairness our teens are lovely!

Show quote history

Agreed. Teens are significantly easier than young children. They can be left alone for a start. They can wash and feed themselves. They can arrange their own social lives. They have their own challenges for parenting, but they are not the all consuming balls of vulnerability that young children are. The mother parenting pretty solo for these children from when they were young meant she would not have been given a break. Not even to pop out for coffee alone. Not to go for a run. Not even to go food shopping alone. Because young children cannot be left alone while you pop out. Dad-of-the-year here can now have the children overnight and his life not actually change.

Morningswim · 07/09/2025 08:59

DorothyStorm · 07/09/2025 08:43

Agreed. Teens are significantly easier than young children. They can be left alone for a start. They can wash and feed themselves. They can arrange their own social lives. They have their own challenges for parenting, but they are not the all consuming balls of vulnerability that young children are. The mother parenting pretty solo for these children from when they were young meant she would not have been given a break. Not even to pop out for coffee alone. Not to go for a run. Not even to go food shopping alone. Because young children cannot be left alone while you pop out. Dad-of-the-year here can now have the children overnight and his life not actually change.

Show quote history

Exactly.

ArtTheClownIsNotAMime · 07/09/2025 09:39

settingthestage · 06/09/2025 14:58

Thanks for all of the responses. I don’t agree with many of them but I do appreciate it isn’t my barrel to fight.

Just don't have any children with him. It isn't fair to lumber them with a deadbeat.

N0Tfunny · 07/09/2025 09:45

So many of these “ dads of the year “ who were too busy / stressed to see their kids which when they are younger suddenly want overnights when

  1. the dad gets promoted / earns more as his career isn’t held back by tiresome childcare responsibilities so he has to pay more child maintenance, which he resents .
  2. he now has a live in girlfriend who will deal with any hassle for him AND save him money
  3. it won’t actually affect him having the kids around all day Saturday as he will be out at football / golf / cycling.
  4. his storyline about “ needing to recover from the trauma of the divorce “ is wearing a bit thin after 3 or 4 years .
Bellyblueboy · 07/09/2025 10:54

OP think of this from the teenagers perspective. You are a practical stranger to them. You don’t really know them and this thread has shown you don’t really have much regard for their feelings or wishes here.

you start a relationship with their dad and all of a sudden have opinions on how they should engage with their parent, how much money their dad pays their mum, why their dad didn’t really bother with them for years.

This man doesn’t sound like an involved dad. These teens won’t thank you for interfering in their lives and forcing them to sleep in their dads ‘spare room’ once a week - apparently just because you think they should (and dad will pay less child support!).

my friend had a ‘step mum’ for a few years. This lady swept in, had all sorts of opinions and tried to change how my friend (then about 14) shared her time between her parents. She shouted about stepparent rights, how she was a parent too etc. e relationship didn’t last. My friend wouldn’t know her now if she saw her in the street. She is a stranger who tried to parent a teenager who wasn’t her child. Don’t be that woman!

Petitchat · 07/09/2025 11:12

Bellyblueboy · 07/09/2025 10:54

OP think of this from the teenagers perspective. You are a practical stranger to them. You don’t really know them and this thread has shown you don’t really have much regard for their feelings or wishes here.

you start a relationship with their dad and all of a sudden have opinions on how they should engage with their parent, how much money their dad pays their mum, why their dad didn’t really bother with them for years.

This man doesn’t sound like an involved dad. These teens won’t thank you for interfering in their lives and forcing them to sleep in their dads ‘spare room’ once a week - apparently just because you think they should (and dad will pay less child support!).

my friend had a ‘step mum’ for a few years. This lady swept in, had all sorts of opinions and tried to change how my friend (then about 14) shared her time between her parents. She shouted about stepparent rights, how she was a parent too etc. e relationship didn’t last. My friend wouldn’t know her now if she saw her in the street. She is a stranger who tried to parent a teenager who wasn’t her child. Don’t be that woman!

Yeah ok.
But we should remember that a lot of stepmums are lovely.