DP’s ex wife making it hard for him to have the kids

[settingthestage]

My partner has 2 teens. They live with their mother full time. They’re allowed to come to his once or twice a week for tea but never really sleep over and she seems not happy about them coming to sleepover as I’ve suggested he initiates this properly and ex w seems upset by this.

He only has one spare room so it is difficult, but not impossible for them to stay.

I’ve told him to set boundaries with her and insist they should be having regular overnights.

For some reason he seems to struggle with this. Any idea what his rights are legally?

Do his children want to stay overnight? If they're both teenagers, then they have a big say on how much contact with their Dad they want. Has your partner asked his children if they'd like to stay overnight, emphasising there's no pressure if they don't want too?.He can't insist they stay over, given their ages! I would suggest he starts off by asking them. If they do want to stay overnight, then he needs to conversation with his ex-wife and the children, so an agreement can be made. If they don't want to stay overnight, then unfortunately your partner will have no choice but to accept it. Is your partner happy with the level of contact, he currently has? You feel the children should be staying overnight, but does he think the same? He may not want to 'rock the boat', but if the children want more contact and his ex won't allow it, then he needs to go to Court.

This exactly.

If the kids have their own bedrooms at their mum’s house with their possessions in it’s not really surprising that they don’t want to stay in “dad’s spare room”.

Is the spare room finished with beds and somewhere to put their clothes and things? Can they do homework at his house, is there a space for them to work? Can they bring friends round? Can they easily get to their school from dad’s place?

Its not uncommon for kids not to want to stay at dad’s (particularly if they never have in the past) but don’t want to tell their dad so they tell their mum who covers for them by saying she won’t allow it.

Funny that dad found the time to date and meet a new partner whilst “recovering from the divorce” but was too traumatised to provide a nice bedroom for his kids. Sounds like he has not made the effort historically, never bothered to make things work and have them overnight from a young age. The habit hasn’t been formed, so now they don’t want to. It’s a shame their dad didn’t make the effort sooner. You reap what you sow.

"I’ve told him to set boundaries with her and insist they should be having regular overnights" Arrangements were going well before you decided he was being "mugged off" which is now causing problems?

What does it matter how long we have been together? Well now! It depends if you are just wanting to flex or if you are genuinely trying to support your partner and his children.

Ultimately the children are the most important here, no need for you to be "marking your territory".

It's taken him a few years to decide how and when he'd like to see his own children?

I think it’s very unfair that posters are picking up on the ‘spare room’ element. He had to rent, while she stayed in the family home. Which she’s now bought him out of in an agreement which massively favours her.

He could buy but the timing isn’t right because we’d like to live together, in time, so there it makes no sense for him to buy, then sell in a couple of years to live with me.

Why ? That’s what it is at the moment, but if he gets overnights it will be their room. OP seems to be advocating for them here, why are you giving her a hard time ?

It’s taken him years to recover from the divorce? Come on op. I’m still recovering three and a half years later from my ex’s bullshit and our divorce but I’ve had my children every single one of those days. Are you planning having kids with this guy? I hope not. Can almost guarantee his wife left him cause he’s useless

It makes sense if he wants to provide his children with a home when/if they stay with him.

@settingthestage Was it an abusive relationship? He sounds terrified of her.

If so, all the more reason to foster his relationship with their children so they don’t think that a partner being afraid of and unable to stand up to their spouse is normal.

OP run. You’re in for a kicking no matter what you say.

did I miss that @Rosscameasdoody?

Where, exactly, is the OP advocating for the children?

This is what OP said:

I’ve told him to set boundaries with her and insist they should be having regular overnights.
For some reason he seems to struggle with this. Any idea what his rights are legally?

So he’s prioritising living with you in a few years instead of buying somewhere now which might work best for his children?

Assuming you mean that the ex got a bigger share of the equity? That’s common practice if she has the majority care of the children. Particularly if he never had them overnight. Solicitors will always insist that children are prioritised. If the courts felt the agreement was unfair then the agreement wouldn’t have been reached.

For the record I am not putting the boot into his ex. She’s not abusive, almost the opposite all friendly and accommodating and ‘do the right thing’ yet always seems to land with her bum in the butter on the other side getting what she wants,

Lol, is this a way of saying he abandoned them all for a few years? Probably lucky the other parent didn’t do the same.

How does she 'get what she wants'?

Well she got the kids and the house?

Exactly!

@settingthestage Not letting the children’s Dad have any overnights doesn’t sound particularly accommodating.

What’s the problem with him having overnights then? Why is she objecting?

Sounds like quite the opposite to me.

She bought him out, she wasn't given it, she paid for it.

Is he paying maintenance?

I didn’t say she won’t let him have overnights I said she seems unhappy about it. He just tiptoes around it.

Bollocks. You don’t pause your kids.

I’m not prepared to be misrepresented further on this thread. I posted with good intentions and am a single parent myself. I just want him to not be denied his rights.

I told you to run OP. You may not be married to him but you’re still viewed as the step parent and the vipers here will view you as that and rip the shit out of anything you say from now on. Get it taken down,