DP’s ex wife making it hard for him to have the kids

[settingthestage]

My partner has 2 teens. They live with their mother full time. They’re allowed to come to his once or twice a week for tea but never really sleep over and she seems not happy about them coming to sleepover as I’ve suggested he initiates this properly and ex w seems upset by this.

He only has one spare room so it is difficult, but not impossible for them to stay.

I’ve told him to set boundaries with her and insist they should be having regular overnights.

For some reason he seems to struggle with this. Any idea what his rights are legally?

There’s a regular pattern I’ve seen on here over the years, which is a doting girlfriend pushing her partner into having his kids more. A few years later she’s back, posting how she’s dumped with them and can’t cope. You really should keep your nose out. He doesn’t need help to see his own kids. I think this interfering comes from being embarrassed about what shit dads they are.

Indeed, I had to deal with my father being extremely ill and dying at the same time as I was going through my separation/divorce, which also happened to be during the pandemic, whilst parenting my 2 young children the majority of the time. My ex took off and made dating his priority, and was only having the children every 3rd weekend then. Good job I didn’t insist on having time away from the children to “recover”, they’d have ended up in care.

You’ve told him this and that and you want him to have his rights and you’re unhappy she gets more than him and you’re coaching him and his anxiety but you don’t even live with the guy and he’s not making a fuss, he’s not going to court he’s not even really just politely asking her or the kids?

you’re saying she ‘seems unhappy’ overnights that’s different to not letting him. And why is she unhappy? Just to be a dick? Or because of something else?

I do hear everything you’re saying and all the reasons
but I just can’t imagine a situation where a man starts dating a woman and she needs him to help manage anxiety around psyching herself up to ask to do more parenting. It just wouldn’t happen, so why is it happening here. it’s also just a boring boring tale as old as time that the poor victim man has his children taken care of for him, whilst he does very little and his new gf seethes and fights with his ex and he is helpless in the middle. That’s why pp are being harsh.

Your dp has responsibilities and not rights.

Teens can legally choose how much contact they have with each parent (even zero) so demanding overnights isn’t going to do anything if the kids aren’t keen.

Your initial post read like you were suggesting that his ex was controlling and manipulative but your updates sound like your partner is weak and spent years licking his wounds from the divorce instead of getting stuck into life with the kids when it was his time. If you push him into doing what you think, then you are as manipulative as the ex. Your partner needs to do what he wants and accept that his indecision/reluctance to act has led to him losing out on years. If he is as wet as he sounds, he may be relieved when the kids say no to overnights as he will be able to pretend that his hands are tied and there’s nothing that anyone can do.

Is his spare bedroom ready for overnights?

I’ve suggested he initiates this properly and ex w seems upset by this.

I’ve told him to set boundaries with her and insist they should be having regular overnights.

He could have insisted on having them overnight but it sounds like he didnt actually want to. he could have gone to court.

what this sounds like is youve arrived on the scene, recognised his parenting as shit, YOU are suggesting he does things he really wasnt arsed about, and the blame has been flung on the parent doing the parenting.

You sound really quite gullible op.

He is not really interested, if he was then he'd have sorted it out some time ago.
You are too invested, take a big step back.

You’re trying to care about his relationship with his kids more than he does. A classic mistake. You’re not the first, you won’t be the last but I’d honestly take a big step back and let him run this side of his life as he sees fit.

You say you’re a mum. Can you imagine never having them overnight because your ex might get annoyed if you did? Can you? I can’t. Imagine sacrificing parenting your own children in a meaningful way because someone else - anyone - might find it upsetting. It’s such a bizarre idea.

Step away. If you want to date him casually then carry on but you can’t force him to be a decent dad with good intentions. Ignore his words, when you look at his lack of actions you’ll see who he really is and where his prioritises lie.

Happiness and harmony do not lie ahead with a man who’s scared of his ex, if that’s what’s going on. Nor with a man who half arses parenthood. You’ll just stop respecting him.

Often, whether they admit it to themselves or not, part of this is because they begrudge the maintenance payments and more formal contact means reduced payments to the ex.

But their mum hasn't even said they can't go. So all a fuss over nothing. Literally none of your business any way

But their mum hasn't even said they can't go. So all a fuss over nothing. Literally none of your business any way

Why does he care more about upsetting his ex than seeing his children?

I’m mystified then and I don’t really understand what he’s anxious about.

If he want to ask his teenagers whether they’d like to stay overnight, he can just do it. Either they will or they won’t. His ex might not be thrilled, but it doesn’t sound as if she’ll kick off- and if she does, the children are old enough to decide anyway.

It's none of your business at all and to tell him what to do. If he couldn't be in the right headspace for his kids years ago there's a problem with him!

Why interfere?

Sorry but what a load of rubbish.

If I separated from my partner tomorrow, I wouldn't allow one week to pass without seeing my ds. No decent parent would. He can't be bothered, and you need to wake up and realise that.

Also if they are teens, and he hasn't seen them that much for "a few years", why would they want to? They are old enough to have their own lives now. They already know he isn't too bothered. Kids aren't stupid.

You are kidding yourself. I strongly suggest you keep out of it. And understand that this is how he will probably treat any child you have together.

If he cared about having his children overnight, his spare bedroom would be their shared bedroom. They might not be thrilled about sharing, but if they are the same sex and there are no medical contraindications, it would be fine. The key is that there needs to be 2 permanent beds and a dedicated place for them to keep their things. It doesn’t have to be lavish or well decorated. It is about signaling that his home is also their home.

Then of his ex puts upbarriers, he can take the matter to court.

There’s some harsh responses in here which bare little reality to many situations

ive seen personally men be distraught by divorce, end up feeling worthless, beaten down by their exes, and in a desire to ensure children have stability end up handing over more assets than they should, and often not having the time with the children they should ( and deserve) . When your children are caught in the middle of separating parents who don’t get on it can be unsettling at best, traumatic at worst. Sometimes men simply go along with their ex rather than rock the boat as a result. And mums DO use their children as pawns and weapons regardless of the view on here that all women and kind are angels and all dads are bastards. I’m not saying that’s the case here but it absolutely does happen and I’ve seen it first hand

now, we don’t know the real situation here at all but it’s perfectly possible that dad simply went along with ex wishes because he thought that was right, or best for children, and now he realises he should have done things differently with benefit of hindsight. Sometimes it takes a third party to say, hang on, this isn’t good.

of course, simply demanding overnights now probably won’t work ( teens often don’t want to live between houses etc anyway). But he can ensure he has a strong relationship with them so they realise he’d like that and his door is always open, rather than try to force it. And maybe they stay over sporadically rather than a regular pattern

and all those saying he should ensure he has big enough house/ where do you get off ? He’s lost money through divorce and can’t afford it ! Get real. Housing is expensive and money ( to a single guy) can’t just miraculously appear. He’ll get zero in uc top ups and support for housing, and is paying ( at least minimum ) cms. unlike a mum
with children and low income who will get financial
suppprt if needed

anyway op, continue to support him. I don’t see you’ve done anything wrong here

Teenagers can choose which parent they stay with. Stop interfering. They will decide for themselves.

He sounds completely pathetic. But as the meme says, “no one rides harder for a dead beat father than the new girlfriend who believes everything he says” 🙄

They are teens. There is no legal avenue available at this stage. He needs to proactively encourage his children to stay overnight. I'm confused about why their mum wouldn't want them to! Most single parents would like a night to themselves sometimes.

My advice is simple. Stay out of it, step back and do not live with him till His kids are adults or split with him.

There is no joy to be found from a man who cannot hold boundaries or manage day to day conflict that comes from life / co-parenting. It will rule your life. He will equally be unable to say no, maintain boundaries with his children.

He has bumbled among agreeing to things for an easy life even when not in his own best interest let alone his kids. Leave him to it.

I’ve got an ex who is constantly messaging about seeing the children more. I even got a concerned message from his friend saying he’s depressed and needs help.
He was happy when he was having affairs. Happy when he was prioritising his hobbies over supporting his family. Happy when he moved hours away to retire with latest girlfriend.
The (now adult) children would visit but they have their own lives and he’s so far away that they need to stay over and lose a weekend. They also really disliked having to stay when his girlfriend was there as they couldn’t relax and spend time with their dad. She was a pleasant woman but they just felt awkward around her.
Then he became very ill and disabled and girlfriend left. NOW he thinks I’ve got it all and he’s hard done by.

OP you may be a lovely person but teens often don’t want to be around a parent’s new partner. If he was going to put them first he would have done it by now.

Oh the poor love, lucky he's got you to fight for him.

Meanwhile she's raised the kids whilst he's 'taken a few years' Not your kids not your business.

I judge fathers like your boyfriend who do little parenting after separation/divorce. I think women who date them have made a poor choice.

Whatever his reasons for having done little parenting for however many years, his past decisions and actions mean it would now be difficult to change the aspect regarding regular overnight visits, unless the DC are really keen.

He has inadequate room for his DC to visit overnight, seemingly now because he’s prioritising preparing to move in with you.

As for him having been ‘mugged off’: really, that old tripe? Even if he got a shit financial deal and wanted to co-parent properly but agreed to the current set up, he chose that stuck with it for however many years, until you.

Not your place to seek to adjust your boyfriend’s past decisions / failures. Perhaps they suggest some less appealing things about him you’d rather not see. Your decision remains whether to date him or not.