DP’s ex wife making it hard for him to have the kids

[settingthestage]

My partner has 2 teens. They live with their mother full time. They’re allowed to come to his once or twice a week for tea but never really sleep over and she seems not happy about them coming to sleepover as I’ve suggested he initiates this properly and ex w seems upset by this.

He only has one spare room so it is difficult, but not impossible for them to stay.

I’ve told him to set boundaries with her and insist they should be having regular overnights.

For some reason he seems to struggle with this. Any idea what his rights are legally?

If he wants to do better by his DC, he can, in loads of ways. Again, that’s for him to figure out and do.

If he was going to put them first he would have done it by now
It is this isnt it.

Why is the second bedroom the ‘spare room‘ and not his children‘s room?

My dad left suddenly and though he came round, didn’t tell us his address for several years and didn’t invite us round or see us regularly.

I have never spent a night at his sole house. While we have a reasonable relationship now (20 years later) I can honestly say I’ve never recovered from that abandonment. Which if he’s not been in the right headspace until you miraculously healed him might be exactly how they feel

OP, do you not think that the children’s mother is most likely wary because she knows it is you behind the sudden invitations to stay overnight?
She knows her ex husband hasn’t given a shit about actively parenting his children since the split so it’s obviously coming from you.
You sound like a kind woman, who cares, try to see that he’s feeding you a cock and bull story full of excuses for his own laziness and incompetence.

This thread has made me think! I've definitely made way more effort with DH's nieces over the years than he has.

I don't regret it as they are lovely young women and are great role models for our DD, who is an only child.

But I can see now after nearly 18 years that DH had little commitment to the role of uncle, whereas I was keen to be a good aunt.

Sadly, your DH had little commitment to the role of "dad". Think about that.

Hmmm I have two teenage boys and separated last year. My boys split their time between me and their dad although eldest tends to stay with me more and youngest with his dad. Mainly for logistics of school etc. My ex has a new partner and she commented that there should be more structure to our arrangement. She has younger children. I understand that my boys turning up or disappearing whenever they feel like it may mess up their plans but I love the fact the boys feel comfortable enough to be in either house. Obviously if they’ve planned a holiday or weekend away then the boys know to be at mine and vice versa.

communication between parents is key, we get on alright, and our arrangement may not work for everyone. The reality is, teenagers tend to do what they like anyway 😂 and now my eldest is driving I never know when he’s going to rock up 😂 I think having the option for them to be able to stay is important but if they don’t want to then I don’t think there’s much your partner would be able to do. But just knowing their dad is there for them if needed is worth more than having an arrangement set in stone.

Stay out of it OP, it’s not your family and you’re only hearing your boyfriend’s side.

My kids, who were teens when we split, have never over nighted with their Dad because he moved nearby, didn't create a room for them & quickly moved a girlfriend in that they don't like much. They can walk home from his so they do

I wouldn't and couldn't have stopped them staying over if they had been able to or had wanted to - teenagers make their own decisions.

I think you are trying to help your DP here but it doesn't sound like he's made much effort with his kids over the years & presumably now they aren't that fussed about staying over with him.

And as a pp said, it's interesting that he wasn't able to parent well as he recovered from the split but was able to date & enter a serious relationship with another woman.

Thanks for all of the responses. I don’t agree with many of them but I do appreciate it isn’t my barrel to fight.

Why on earth are you insisting on what he does with his children? To what gain? On a school night sleeping elsewhere doesn’t get them more quality time with their dad, it is unsettling - don’t you remember back in the days of dating how annoying it is to pack a bag to stay at a boyfriend house before work the next day? And sharing a room with a sibling when you have the option of your own room?

Mums who are resident parent don’t get the luxury of ‘not having head space for a few years after the divorce’ to think about what’s best for the kids (which being busy out and about on the dating scene!) they just get on with parenting as best they can, mostly alone in this case it seems!

Well, it's on him then. Either he grows up a bit and lets it be known he'd like to be an active parent, or he limps along and the status quo continues.

The problem is with him, not his ex. Plus as others have said, they're teenagers. He can ask them if they want to stay.

This is a good point to take from this.

What I would say, is you like this man so want to help him fix this, you can see it’s not normal and a problem and want to help.

But if you are thinking of him as a potential step-dad to your kids (maybe even have another together), use this as a way to assess what he’s going to be like.

You’ve clearly spoken to him about it and he’s acknowledged this isn’t normal access. He’s said the right thing that he’d like to have the dcs overnight/more time. So now sit back, don’t mention it again, see if he does something about this. Give it until October half term and if he’s not so much as suggested an overnight stay for the kids, you know he really can’t be bothered, so keep him as a “fun date” not potential step-dad.

This is sensible advice.
He has spoken the words now he needs to act.
And of his own volition, not with your help.

He's a grown up, he's had long enough to "recover" and he's a father. Time for him to step up and be a proper father again

Why are you getting involved its up to him and his teenage children their not babies.
Id keep out of it don't interfere.

He might be lying. My ex told any number of lies to his girlfriends to explain why he didn't have his children on a regular basis, and to make himself look like a victim. Then they all think I'm an awful bitch who is somehow denying him access (never quite sure how or why) and got terribly invested in fixing his relationship with his children and saving him from the dreadful ex wife. Don't be one of those women. The fact is that if he was a half decent father he would have sorted himself out, had living arrangements that facilitated them staying, and done what he needed to do to get regular visits from the get go. He doesn't get to take 'a few years' to sort that out I'm afraid.

Which points don't you agree with out of interest?

Also, do you realise how finances work in a divorce? Pre divorce his rental would have come out of their joint assets and post divorce things will have been split according to the court decision unless they come to an agreement themselves. Its highly unusual for women to get settlements 'massively in their favour', courts simply don't do that. She may have stayed in the family house but that doesn't mean that she got given it, the value of the house goes into the pot that is shared out. I'm so sick of men who go around peddling the 'my wife cleaned me out' tale. Honestly I am starting to wonder if you are dating my ex!

Are there 2 beds available for the 2 teenagers to sleep in?

How many years did he not see the children for? While he was "recovering" from the divorce?

Great post and understanding.
Nice to see, instead of all the put downs 😊

This sound like you are projecting your own issues.

This. Also keep your nose out, it's none of your business.

Did it also take their mother a few years to 'recover' from the break-up? If so, who was looking after the kids in the meantime? Were they in care?

Ex-wife is a controlling bitch who thinks the kids are hers, not theirs. Most likely because she’d get less money if they stayed with him regularly. (Obviously the MN man-haters will try and find a way to blame him for her behaviour)

Problem is he isn’t living somewhere both of them can stay at the same time. If he wants to fight he needs to solve that (which is probably why he’s not pushing it). His best bet is one at a time.

Finally, ignore those who are telling you not to get involved (which is just another version of the man-hating), you’re perfectly entitled to support your partner, just as you’d welcome and probably expect support if the situation was reversed.