Husband leaving for a fling - 10 month old and 4yr old

[Peanutbutterislife]

It’s 5am and I am already awake crying where your heart feels like it’s physically hurting.
How do people truly survive this? My husband has told himself that he will be happier leaving his beautiful family that we created and nothing I say is going to change his mind. It’s been 2/3 months of him being cold distant and not wanting to work on our relationship issues (which are SO normal given our tiny baby and just turned 4yr old) - he kept saying he’s “not been happy for some time” and “never gets space” and “doesn’t see this working long term and we’re too different”. I was arranging counselling, trying to give space despite my heart breaking, trying to discuss issues - you name it. He’s been becoming more and more difficult and even nasty during this time which has made me desperately sad and confused. Turns out OF COURSE he’s fallen for a younger girl who is childless and probably thinks nothing of him - he’s such a charmer and loves ego gratification so it just doesn’t even surprise me as much as it should. I’m only 33 myself and I have tried so hard to get into shape after our second baby so that I could be attractive to him, but he doesn’t even look at me. He finally admitted he had met someone he “thinks he would be happier with”. He gaslit me so badly for having suspicions and my gut was 100000% right. It is actually sickening and so so so beyond naive and sad- he’s willing to overlook the hard work of marriage and destroy our home, the impact on our gorgeous babies.

It feels like a cliche. And yet I have to somehow find a way to crawl out of this hole. How on earth do I even begin? I didn’t want my life to be survival, I am a fun person and I feel like I’m going to surely be depressed for so long and this is going to take years from me 😞. How will I ever be happy knowing what’s happened? And how do I co parent when I’m going to see my love for this man turn into hate and anger for his actions? Also - surely he’ll regret this in time but the pain I’ll have been through must mean I can’t take him back?

desperate and sad beyond words 😣

The night wakings avd going back to work are going to be hard but you can and will survive. It’s got to be better than this emotional rollercoaster you’re on now? It’s got to sounds completely draining.

Night weaning isn’t really recommended until they’re one but you could always give it a try now, given what you’re going through. https://www.drjaygordon.com/blog-detail/sleep-changing-patterns-in-the-family-bed This method is very gentle]\ avd although it’s aimed at BF babies it can work if you’re FFing.

I quite ine that article. It’s very succinct and clear.

What an absolute bastard he is! I know it will be incredibly difficult but I’d rather do all the night wake ups, rather than have the cheating scumbag under the same roof as me. It will tear you apart. You need to find a new routine. And remember, he can have access to them, so you can catch up on rest then.
Oh and he still wants to do outings and holidays with you? Tell him to fuck right off!!!! He wants the best of both worlds. Don’t let him have that!

I agree and you do need to ask him to leave. It’s not fair on you or the DC to expect life to carry on as though nothing has happened.

I could have literally written this post! I'm going through exactly the same right now. Together 20yrs, married for 16. 2 dc & have literally been blindsided with " I don't love you anymore" & " We haven't been happy for years."
I suspect another woman, not that he would admit it, of course! I've told him to leave, because to be honest, I'm a mess & need space. As do our dc. However, he has nowhere to go... not my fucking problem!!

OP l don’t think it matters whether it was emotional/kissing or a full blown affair involving sex. Both are infidelity. And in some ways l think emotional affairs are worse. Men are capable of having sex without it really meaning anything, but to me, attaching emotionally and allowing yourself to develop feelings for someone else, would be much more of a betrayal, regardless of whether they had actually had sex.

And please remember the infidelity is only part of the story for you. He gaslighted you for months - convinced you that you were somehow to blame for his unhappiness - and then watched dispassionately as you tried to fix the relationship, while all the time knowing it wasn’t fixable because he was cheating.

I think the enormity of what’s happened is beginning to bite, you’re grieving for the life you thought you had, and you’re panicking about how you’ll cope without him. Don’t. You don’t need him. The childcare and all the other responsibilities which are crowding in on you now will work themselves out and you’ll get through it so much easier without having the worry of where he is every time he leaves the house, or is late home from work, or who he’s on his phone with in another room. He’s not the person you thought he was OP. Better to take the pain now and get him out of your life now because l think you know deep down that taking him back will only delay it.

Great suggestion!

Yes...what a horrible man....you will soon feel stronger 💪 and trust me and other people on here....you will better with out him....wishing you fast healing...and a beautiful life x

the worst thing is he has since said he still likes our family times and doesn’t want to lose those (aka still do outings/holidays etc)

How dare he?! He wants to still play happy families with you for the fun bits while ditching you for a younger model? Don't let him. Holidays and outings together?! Fuming on your behalf.

He can still do the lovely family things on his own contact time, in his own flat, with his new girlfriend…, I bet shes going to love changing nappies & not be able to go out in the evening.., his new romance is going nowhere

This young childless girl that he has got with will more than likely also want children so he will find himself back in a similar position soon enough and what will he do then…..leave her as well

Get your ducks in a row and focus on yourself and the kids, don’t try and hang onto him as he is no good, you are still young enough to meet someone else

Wow what a prick. Oh I want to have this affair with no responsibilities, be able to do what ever I want when ever I want. Including stepping back into your life to play happy families when it suits. Don't worry I will be there for the fun part but not the getting them home/ washed/ settled after a day out!

Regarding help over night, I do get that. It is super hard! Do you have any good friends/ family who could help out? Someone might stay a few nights to help?

Thank you all again, so much. Update is; I am being as strong as I can but of course it’s absolutely heartbreaking and so difficult. I’m due back at work in 3 weeks, I’m looking forward to the distraction but terrified of the changes to my life around it all.

practically wise, I really don’t know what to do. Should he be moving out now? Or do I allow him to sleep here and avoid much contact just so I am not suffering with the load of the night wakes/early mornings? I’m so scared of burning out and feeling even worse mentally. But I know I need to make changes and I am scared it’ll “slip” back into some kind of dysfunctional relationship. Because the OW called it off (ofc she did) so he’s now no longer got that on the side….

@Peanutbutterislife Something very similar happened to me recently and I took some time off but actually found being back at work helped me overthink things less and served as a helpful distraction/way to pass the time.

I have also found the less I see my husband the more stable my mood is as I don't overthink our interactions so much. My husband has moved out but still comes to family home to see our child/take him out for a few hours and limited contact seems to be working better for me.

Appreciate it would be hard with a baby and night feeds etc but could he take kids for some time during day so you could get a rest, and live somewhere else to start to create boundaries and not let yourself slip back?

I'm pregnant just now and plan is for husband to stay on sofa for a couple of weeks after baby is born and im actually worried this might end up feeling like a bit of a setback for me having him around so much.

Its so hard to get the balance right!

Hope you are doing OK

This must be so very hard, and I don’t know what to suggest. I guess the options are taking legal advice on getting him out, if he doesn’t agree to go voluntarily. Alternatively, agree boundaries while living together. Whilst being aware that there will be a risk of arguing or other unpleasantries - or slipping back into some kind of relationship, be it based on rekindled friendship or love, or just FWB.

in your shoes I would probably (a) get counseling, and (b) get legal advice on the best way of separating.

Bloody hell, he's back because she doesn't want him?? How bloody dare he. You deserve so much better than this immature,selfish pig. Find a good solicitor. Many give a free half hour consult, so phone around. Get some real life support if possible. In the meantime yes, he stays in the home and provides at least 50 percent care. Has this pig no conscience? Will his parents help? So angry on your behalf. Sending love, strength and rage x

Has he got parents he can live with? I would really avoid letting him back in the house, it will be a headfuck. The ideal solution would be him to live somewhere else where he could have the kids overnight so you can rest and start rebuilding. And so you can shoot dead his idea of playing happy families after he has massively betrayed you.

If you haven't already, I'd use your last bit of mat leave to start thinking about a solicitor. Get some advice about what's likely to happen to your living situation and start getting your head around it.

OP, what does he actually bring to the table overnight/early morning?
I mean this kindly and its different for me because DD was 4 when we separated, but if you're doing it all yourself anyway except for the odd 30mins here and there you may find its not worth the emotional turmoil living together.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5136910-blindsided-by-h

This post is brilliant for some top tips and attitude. Not quick the same circumstances as OP is older, children are adults etc. However, I thought she was inspiring with her writing style. I’d say it’s obviously much harder when you have such young children vs and sheer exhaustion from all that, plus work etc. However, I hope with time you’ll come out the other side and be able to fully embrace life again.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Know your worth and what you and your babies deserve. Wishing you every strength. May the power of MN continue to be with you. ❤️

Personally I’d rather be tired and home without him. I’d be to angry and unforgiving. He would have been banned. However you need to do what’s right for you. Go back to work and take your time. I would be terrified he’s going to keep behaving that way which would make me feel even worse. He must feel a bit of an idiot right now!

All of this.

@Peanutbutterislife well that was a short and sweet relationship, wasnt it? I feel you need to step up a bit and tell him he has to leave. he doesnt get any second chances from you for doing this or it will be a free pass for life for him.

What a terrible shame the other woman has called it off. Didn't see that coming!! 🙄
I suspect he'll try and weasel his way back in with you. Stand strong. Get him out of there asap.

Gently OP, kids can take ages to settle into any sort of decent sleep routine (as I’m sure you know from having an older DC). You might feel like it’s handy to have help now for nighttime’s but how long can you let it go on for? My oldest still had me getting up in the night at 2, would you want him to end up still living there for that long?

I know it’s hard but I would draw a line and tell him you want him to leave. Regardless of what’s goinh on with the other woman, that’s not your problem, he needs to go. Then you’ll be able to start adjusting and healing properly.

You’ve got this!

Don’t let him crawl back into your affection now this woman has dumped him. I’d be asking him to leave and getting the house on the market and arrangements for access made. At the moment nothing has changed for him, and now it’s off he will think he can crawl back to you. Your choice of course, and appreciate its tough to end things fully when you’ve got young DC but you really do deserve so much more than this cheat.