He's divorcing me, where do I start?

[Dreamer1971]

Hi, new here and seeking advice on how to proactively protect myself as we are starting divorce proceedings this week. I've had 6 weeks to process the initial emotions since my husband said he was done, I've told my close family members yesterday and they all say the same thing, to move things along as quickly as possible. We have been married 30 years, together for 36 years, we are both 54. He is a serial cheater and have supported a child he had from one affair 16 years ago. He says there's no one else currently and it is his intention to 'look after me' after divorce and he still cares just isn't in love with me. We have two children together, 25 and 18 - the youngest will continue to live with me and our two dogs.
He is in a Senior position in his job and has always been the supporting earner, current income is 4 times mine and this has been the case for most of our marriage, with me working just to keep in touch and a little independence. Everything we have is joint currently - mortgage, bank account, modest £11k savings. We both have a number of pensions, with about 80% of the combined pension pool in my husband's pots. Two cars that are owned. Mortgage is small, just £15k left and no other debts. He is working on the premise that the working split will be 50/50 but we are seeing an IFA this weekend to start understanding if the divorce process can be handled with mutual agreement only. I have always done the household admin and I'm confident of our status, though I do believe he has been hiding money elsewhere for a few years now. He said he first considered divorce in 2019. We continue to live together and are on talking terms. He does have a tendency to flare up when pressed and I know he will walk out if the pressure ramps up, so I'm using every ounce of my resolve to make sure I protect my ongoing interests and get through this asap.
So my question is, what should I be doing right now to protect myself regardless of how this proceeds, but still be respectful? We have not made any formal move on divorcing as at today, other than contacting IFA.
Things I have done - taken copies of all relevant financial statements, opened a sole bank account, changed my mobile PIN and online passwords on things personal to me. Spoken to my manager at work, who were very receptive and I have access to a Health programme if needed and I will easily be able to earn more within same role. I'm a calm, practical person but I don't want to be naive and complacent because my husband has clearly manipulated me over the course of our marriage. Our children are being fantastic over this, and assure me I will be much better on my own.
Thank you in advance for any 'starting out on your own' advice.

Glad to hear you are through the other side @Dreamer1971 All the best to you x

Those commenting on what’s fair or not the op already had her agreement and consent order !

so what any of us think is fair is irrelevant!

Thank you for taking the time to post. My original post was one year ago, I've recently updated as we have just signed our financial order. Long journey but I am secure with the outcome. 63.5% of assets and family car ownership thanks to a supportive solicitor, plus equalised pensions through a sharing order. Costs were modest and I made a perfect decision in hindsight to use legal avenue as soon as amicable discussions weren't progressing. Huge apprehension at the time but I am happy to be able to move forward now.

Thankfully I did consult with a Family Law solicitor, appointed them and recently signed off on our financial consent. You're absolutely right, all advice should be sought from neutral parties. I agreed to it at the time purely because I felt caught up in simply not knowing what the right thing to do was, still shocked by the thought of divorce, and precisely the reason no decisions should ever be rushed. Ultimately the depth of deceit uncovered through legal disclosure was deeply disappointing and I would otherwise have never known, had I chosen the 'amicable' route my ex had proffered.

I'm still processing the outcome if I'm honest. Lots to tackle yet with house sale and formal divorce sign off etc, mostly feel exhausted not impressive, but thank you for the vote! There's been days when I haven't known which way was up, but I have no regrets in the choices I made to get here. Learning to put myself first was the single hardest part of it all.

How was a split of 63.5% arrived at please? I don't know where to start in thinking about what split would be fair to both of us.

My outcome was on a needs basis for rehousing. It was the net percentage of proceeds from existing house I would need to cover purchasing a new smaller property within a four mile radius of current home. At the request of my ex's legal representative (a friend who is a barrister) I provided a mortgage affordability report from a broker that showed my borrowing capacity (it's low). I then provided an example selection of modest houses for sale in the area. My counter argument showed my ex's borrowing capacity is good on his salary, so it was then a simple calculation that he will be able to buy an equivalent or Indeed much higher value property with his share of net proceeds of our home. In early discussions with my own solicitor I agreed that I wished to start negotiations on 'middle ground' as I wasn't sure if we would end up having to go to court and it would appear more reasonable to put forward an early figure that was completely achievable. I rejected two counter proposals and set a Form A filing date, fortunately we settled beforehand. If we had gone to court my solicitor advised a judge ruling would have been in the range 57 - 70% so ultimately I would have been ok. I would not have continued using a solicitor, I intended to self represent because our affairs aren't complicated and my savings are exhausted - no business element or children to consider. My ex ran the risk of receiving an even smaller share in court. It was all about knowing my numbers and keeping conviction. I could have been afraid of solicitor costs at the beginning and walked away earlier with less. Arming yourself with information and understanding your entitlement and range of outcomes is so important, so you're not second guessing yourself when faced with intimidating legal pushback from your ex's side. I know that was long-winded sorry, but I was in your position at the beginning and it took me 6-7 months to get a grip on what I needed to do, with a lot of quite frankly scary and difficult decisions on the way.

You've handled this perfectly and I'm so pleased you got a fair and reasonable settlement. Very generous of him to offer you 50% and no solicitors, with the income disparity between you and you having been very much the main parent. I know there are some stresses to go through, but I don't think you will ever look back 💐

Whilst it seems overall fair I think in general terms the challenge these days is assuming that one person can continue to earn and can do so at current levels . So many well paid experienced people are losing jobs through redundancy and the market is dire for 50+ high earners. It does seem a little unfair in generic terms that it’s assumed one person had to have debt ( ie mortgage ) while the other mortgage free by taking larger share .not commenting specifically on this case but it’s a general
principle / and one which I think isn’t always right these days due to the absolute car crash of jobs markets and opportunities.

op obviously fought her case ( as she should) and was successful

Thank you, feeling optimistic and fortunate. I'm supporting a good friend now who is being crucified in her divorce. She is close to pulling out through emotional and financial exhaustion and walking away with nothing at all which would break my heart for her. I'm trying to persuade her to consider self representation in court but she feels her ex is 'cleverer' than her. He has worn her down in the most awful ways. 30 years of marriage and he treats her like the enemy. Intimidation and battle fatigue are difficult to overcome, but I'm doing my best to bring her up. It makes me acutely aware that everyone has a different experience.

It's truly awful. Would a Mackenzie Friend be helpful to your friend @Dreamer1971 ? I know you have to be careful who you choose.

Perfectly reasonable 'devils advocate' point. Interestingly my ex did have a blip during our proceedings and there was a real risk of losing his job (not verified so may have just been attempt at leverage). Obviously this kind of event could turn things entirely on their head in financial remedy. The Matrimonial Act provides the framework and ultimately there are an infinite number of scenarios that could be suggested outside of it and be brought into play, not sure where it would end. I know you're not challenging my outcome by the way. I was fortunate that we have a healthy pool to move forward with, the final outcome was mathematical based on our particular set of circumstances and deemed enough to meet both parties needs.
There is a conscience element to this in that I know how hard my ex worked over the decades to provide and as you say, will now bear the mortgage debt. This doesn't of course negate everything unpaid that I provided. It's all so subjective. For that reason I kept my initial proposal as fair as I felt possible to protect my base needs, that's really the best you can do. I came to feel our split was not a win/lose situation, it was an understanding.

Yes, quite possibly. Had a heartfelt chat just today. I will support her as much as possible, I'm hoping this is just a down day and I can help her get her resolve back. She doesn't have the same confidence I had with her own solicitor sadly. I feel I know quite a bit about the court process, I was very ready to take it on!

Of course, and I’m in no way suggesting that unpaid work or raising children etc doesn’t carry equal importance in a marriage.

I think the law and cases in general need to catch up with market realities that’s all. And of course it’s totally dependent on the pot of money available as well. But it is galling for one party to have worked and ‘ provided’ then lose significant chunk of assets only to have to try to start again late in life and rebuild and the presumption they can do so unfettered I think no longer holds true. In the same way it would be unfair for a sahm to receive less because she didn’t work and is now impacted by low earning opportunities.

anyway, good luck for your future op. I wish you well

Yes, this is what I think I will be facing. My husband is very comfortable in CXO meetings, whereas I am not and after 30years of emotional abuse, I'm a nervous wreck. In court, I would probably be unable to remember my own name. Fortunately, my Mum has lots of money so I'm hoping that she will help me hire a good barrister to speak for me if needs be.

Thank you for your response above, about how the equity split was arrived at.

I wish you all the best. Lean on your family. You'll dig deep as needed and make each decision in its own time. Emotions and priorities throughout will change as you get through each bit and your own wellbeing must be at the forefront. One of the very first things my ex did was say he's handled two court tribunals himself in the past and he'd do it again with ease. He's negotiated many millions of pounds in business contracts over the years and I respect he is experienced, but it had no bearing on the outcome of the separation of our assets. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with the intimidation and thought of court formalities. It will be hard for you to separate the emotions of decades of abuse, to just seeing him as someone you used to know. I really hope you can get there, in your future he will have no power unless you let him. Good luck x