He's divorcing me, where do I start?

[Dreamer1971]

Hi, new here and seeking advice on how to proactively protect myself as we are starting divorce proceedings this week. I've had 6 weeks to process the initial emotions since my husband said he was done, I've told my close family members yesterday and they all say the same thing, to move things along as quickly as possible. We have been married 30 years, together for 36 years, we are both 54. He is a serial cheater and have supported a child he had from one affair 16 years ago. He says there's no one else currently and it is his intention to 'look after me' after divorce and he still cares just isn't in love with me. We have two children together, 25 and 18 - the youngest will continue to live with me and our two dogs.
He is in a Senior position in his job and has always been the supporting earner, current income is 4 times mine and this has been the case for most of our marriage, with me working just to keep in touch and a little independence. Everything we have is joint currently - mortgage, bank account, modest £11k savings. We both have a number of pensions, with about 80% of the combined pension pool in my husband's pots. Two cars that are owned. Mortgage is small, just £15k left and no other debts. He is working on the premise that the working split will be 50/50 but we are seeing an IFA this weekend to start understanding if the divorce process can be handled with mutual agreement only. I have always done the household admin and I'm confident of our status, though I do believe he has been hiding money elsewhere for a few years now. He said he first considered divorce in 2019. We continue to live together and are on talking terms. He does have a tendency to flare up when pressed and I know he will walk out if the pressure ramps up, so I'm using every ounce of my resolve to make sure I protect my ongoing interests and get through this asap.
So my question is, what should I be doing right now to protect myself regardless of how this proceeds, but still be respectful? We have not made any formal move on divorcing as at today, other than contacting IFA.
Things I have done - taken copies of all relevant financial statements, opened a sole bank account, changed my mobile PIN and online passwords on things personal to me. Spoken to my manager at work, who were very receptive and I have access to a Health programme if needed and I will easily be able to earn more within same role. I'm a calm, practical person but I don't want to be naive and complacent because my husband has clearly manipulated me over the course of our marriage. Our children are being fantastic over this, and assure me I will be much better on my own.
Thank you in advance for any 'starting out on your own' advice.

How financially dependent are the 2 joint children on their parents?

Is the 18yo about to go to Uni for instance, what do they need in future for their needs to be met?

It sounds like you are satisfied that 50:50 would be fair division of assets, correct?

Do either of you want to stay in what has been the marital home, and could use the settlement to buy each other out?

In England ... (are you in England?)
There is a 20-something-week cooling off period after you file the first divorce form... and then a series of other forms to file after that and more waiting and cooling off periods for each of those forms before you get close to divorced. If you are confident that the divorce is inevitable, I would asap file that first form which you can do yourself for a lot less than it would cost to get a solicitor to help you file it.

You can change your minds at any time if you decided the marriage can be saved, so it's only about £610 lost if the first form isn't necessary. It just gets you thru that first waiting period faster if you file it sooner. I drafted mine with help of xH.

Agree about making sure an agreement is in place for any uni funding needed for your youngest. I didn't think of this and have spent the last two years doing 50 hour weeks as a result which is not fun!

If you are going to need to sell the family home and buy a new property, I'd then start with working out how much you will need and don't be afraid to ask for more than 50% if needs be. You don't have to be grabby or rock the boat for the sake of it but it's much easier to secure what you need now than regret not asking for more in the name of being fair, later down the road.

Wikivorce
Divorce for Dummies

You need to get advice on what is a fair split once you have all the information. You will need a specific pension valuation in particular. It may be that you will end up with more than 50% depending on different factors but your earnings being one of them etc. obviously agreement will always be better if it is fair and equitable

Oldest is fully independent, own home. 18 year old has decided not to go to uni this Sept and is joining police on an apprenticeship so will be earning and living with me for foreseeable 5 years+.
My initial thoughts are that 50:50 division is fair, as husband has said he will continue to provide continued financial support for our youngest child and the dogs' care, though I do not have a firm idea how much this would be, beyond working out a rough idea based on our current outgoings. This is one of the main reasons I don't wish our communication to break down and resentment taken over. He doesn't want to stay in our home, but I would consider it an option until my daughter has left and then I could sell the property and release equity in future to put back into a pension possibly.
Also, to add, the pension pots when pooled is almost exactly equal to the house equity. We are hoping to keep our individual cars, mine maybe £6k, his around £35k. Thanks for your input.

Thank you for input, yes I'm in England and had googled the Gov.uk guidance and costs so I expect to file this very soon. We have agreed to try to keep costs at bay where we can progress ourselves. There is no going back. It's taken me a while to start being proactive and lead the way since he initiated it at end of May but hasn't progressed anything at all, too busy at work. Currently feeling somewhat 'used' while I keep day to day life ticking, so here I am taking a little control..

husband has said he will continue to provide continued financial support for our youngest child and the dogs' care,

He says this now...make sure you agree a sum and get it locked down with a
financial agreement. He is under no obligation to do this once you're divorce and unless something catastrophic happens you won't be able to backtrack legally to get it put in place.

I always thought that no matter what happened between us my ex would support our DD, but other than a very small handful occasions he paid precisely the amount the CMS stipulated and contributed bugger all else. He stopped this the month she went to uni and having agreed to transfer the payments to her decided after two months he couldn't do it because he was buying a house with his new partner.

When we split I decided not to go after his pension as he's contributed the bill before we were married. If I'd have know how selfish he was going to be wrt our daughter I would have chosen differently.

The cynic in me thinks he has waiting until your youngest is 18 to decide to divorce.

Grabby is exactly how I feel, but given his earning power and wishes to continue in an amicable capacity I hope the financial advisor and mediation will help steer my thoughts processes, and his. Both our priorities is for our daughter and ongoing relationship for all of us, despite their inevitable disappointment with the infidelity aspect. I've a starting idea of how much I will need for a modest home and a working budget, current thinking is that I may well be financially more free as the large outgoings are all his in hindsight, particularly if I can start out mortgage-free which is possible.

@Dreamer1971 I can see where you're coming from, but when the next woman comes along who wants to impress he may prove less than reliable.

My ex shacked up with the first woman he met online after I told him I was filing for divorce. He was sat on a six figure sum for over 7 years, but didn't contribute a penny more than he needed to for DD.

Op given his behaviour I would 100% get yourself independent legal advice from an experienced divorce lawyer - you will need to pay this won’t be free 30 min job.

Don’t tell him you are doing it, smile and nod when he talks about doing it yourselves and bring amicable. But you need full assurance you are getting what you are entitled to. If he is offering you that, great, you’ll have confidence in that being correct, if he is trying to shaft you then you will know and can act accordingly. In the interim when he comes up with things and pushes you to agree I would say something like “I understand where you’re coming from, this is a lot to take in so I’m going to need to go back over it by myself”

Given that you believe he’s been hiding money for a number of years, is it your intention to proceed without legal advice?

Are you sure you can trust him to disclose full value of pensions, for instance?

I would definitely suggest legal advise and also consider a forensic accountant.

i do appreciate that you’re keen to keep things amicable but make sure that your interests are protected too. No one wants a retirement in relative poverty.

Thank you, as much as I continue to love him I know he is a resentful person, without giving details, so I absolutely will secure any agreements. If divorcing has proved one thing, it's how instantly life can change and bitterness is around every corner. He's not an inherently bad person but there are elements of his personality that are unpredictable so I would be very naive to trust implicitly. Me taking control this week has taken him by surprise and I can feel the fog of grieving and indecision lifting by doing it.

Not cynical at all. It was actually the week of her birthday party and he was angry at something and said he would speak to me after the event as he didn't want any upset. There's lots of aspects to it, all classic stuff. He's had four jobs in five years, two work related court cases, I've gone back to work after a career break, found my independence socially because he was 'time poor' and lost five stones in weight and feel the best I have in decades. Both his parents are end of life. I've tried the 'you could really do with some third-party support' over the years but he shuts it down. We had marital counselling 16 years ago but he ran from the scrutiny. He admitted me 'changing' was a threat and had an underlying fear I was always going to leave, and used this as an excuse for his pathological behaviour with serial affairs. I have tried, so very hard.

Sounds like in the long run you’re going thrive without him. Get some good legal advice because I bet he already has.

@Dreamer1971 I’m sorry you’re going through this. You must be in a state of shock and it’s hard to think straight when you feel like this.

The first thing I’d do is pay and take some advice from a good divorce lawyer, so that you know your rights. Do this before you see the IFA (who found the IFA?). The separate legal advice will give you knowledge to bargain with.

I understand that you wish to remain amicable, that is the best way forward. But don’t be a push over, you need to get a fair settlement for your future life. You need to get the ‘grabby’ idea out of your head. This is your entitlement to the proceeds of a long marriage. You’ve given 36 years here, keeping your 6k car and him his 35k car is not a fair split.

Your pension will not be as healthy as his. You did (and will continue to do the majority of the parenting etc). You need to know how he should support your youngest.

I do think your children are right and that this chapter will be the best you’ve remembered for a long time. All the best.

Thank you, you are flagging all my fears that are creeping in. He does keep mentioning that I can trust him. A red flag too. I'm quietly information gathering which does feel weirdly deceitful when we've always been a partnership. At this point he's not in a position to be convincing me of reliability!

When DH and I have seen an IFA they have been very clear they can't give advice to us jointly, it's each of us separately. However for us, our interests and directions to the IFA are the same so it works.

I'd be very suspicious of seeing an IFA your STBXH has picked, who thinks they can give appropriate advice to both of you when fundamentally you no longer have the same interests or goals for finances.

You need to see a solicitor, or at the very least get very informed from Wikivorce as what your STBXH says now very likely won't be what he says later. And it's in his interest to give you a bad deal. He also sounds inherently unreliable with so many jobs in a short time.

Absolutely. He has a massive contact base in his profession so this is the bit where I'm a fish out of water. I will find out how to use the laws too to secure a future. I've always been able to hold my own otherwise and not move in haste.

is 50-50 fair? Did you have the same opportunities to build your career or did you work part time, have fewer options because as a family you took on more of the childcare?

20 years of that would definitely impact on your opportunities and pension and needs to be considered for a fair financial split.

You don't need to accept 50/50 if you've sacrificed your career to raise his kids. You can bet he has had legal advice.

The man has demonstrated very openly that he cannot be trusted and is a fundamentally terrible person, so no need to consider respectfulness.

Show him the same respect as he showed you while he was out having unprotected sex with mistresses and creating kids.

I would go along with the IFA appointment to keep him sweet.
In the meantime, I’d be having a meeting with a solicitor to get some proper advice. Sounds like a forensic accountant might be a good investment too.
It’s not grabby to get what you’re entitled to, you’re protecting yourself and your children.
I’d be suspicious of how nice he’s being, he’s trying to keep you on side so you don’t look too closely.
You’re no longer a partnership and he chose that, look after yourself.
For instance, I wouldn’t accept the car thing. The joint value is £41k, why are you accepting £6k? You’re entitled to £20k, so he can give you £14k of the savings if he wants his car.

There are two ways to approach a divorce. One is to agree things between you based on what you think is fair and reasonable. This doesn’t mean you don’t independent get legal and financial advice to confirm it is fair and reasonable. It is important that you do.

The other approach is involve lots of lawyers and advisors and specialists. To take the case into court and let a judge decide. It is the best option if you are dealing with someone who is irrational and unreasonable and / or the finances are complex.

Given your ages I would recommend splitting pension provision 50:50. But that’s just me. You might want to think about taking more equity and less pension. Think long and hard about when and how you want to retire.

In terms of splitting savings and equity, a lot depends on how much there is. If there is a large pot then 50% of that might meet your needs. Which will be c 1-2 bedroom property. If there is a smaller pot then you might more capital because you need a mortgage and this will impact on you more than him because of the wage disparity.

Given the ages of your children they don’t or soon won’t be considered dependents by a court. Your best bet to secure consideration of continued parental responsibility is outside court. Unless there are special circumstances that make this child dependent.

Re hidden money - it can be expensive to prove it exists, to trace it and then get a share of it. Try to get an understanding of how much there might be. If your family income was 10k per month and your were spending 7k then your savings should be high. If not, it is reasonable to assume money was being siphoned off. Then you can ask for bank accounts and see if money is being transferred. That assumes all his income is channelled into one account and is traceable.

Lawyer up.

That’s it. He will possibly turn nasty. So lawyer up.