He's divorcing me, where do I start?

[Dreamer1971]

Hi, new here and seeking advice on how to proactively protect myself as we are starting divorce proceedings this week. I've had 6 weeks to process the initial emotions since my husband said he was done, I've told my close family members yesterday and they all say the same thing, to move things along as quickly as possible. We have been married 30 years, together for 36 years, we are both 54. He is a serial cheater and have supported a child he had from one affair 16 years ago. He says there's no one else currently and it is his intention to 'look after me' after divorce and he still cares just isn't in love with me. We have two children together, 25 and 18 - the youngest will continue to live with me and our two dogs.
He is in a Senior position in his job and has always been the supporting earner, current income is 4 times mine and this has been the case for most of our marriage, with me working just to keep in touch and a little independence. Everything we have is joint currently - mortgage, bank account, modest £11k savings. We both have a number of pensions, with about 80% of the combined pension pool in my husband's pots. Two cars that are owned. Mortgage is small, just £15k left and no other debts. He is working on the premise that the working split will be 50/50 but we are seeing an IFA this weekend to start understanding if the divorce process can be handled with mutual agreement only. I have always done the household admin and I'm confident of our status, though I do believe he has been hiding money elsewhere for a few years now. He said he first considered divorce in 2019. We continue to live together and are on talking terms. He does have a tendency to flare up when pressed and I know he will walk out if the pressure ramps up, so I'm using every ounce of my resolve to make sure I protect my ongoing interests and get through this asap.
So my question is, what should I be doing right now to protect myself regardless of how this proceeds, but still be respectful? We have not made any formal move on divorcing as at today, other than contacting IFA.
Things I have done - taken copies of all relevant financial statements, opened a sole bank account, changed my mobile PIN and online passwords on things personal to me. Spoken to my manager at work, who were very receptive and I have access to a Health programme if needed and I will easily be able to earn more within same role. I'm a calm, practical person but I don't want to be naive and complacent because my husband has clearly manipulated me over the course of our marriage. Our children are being fantastic over this, and assure me I will be much better on my own.
Thank you in advance for any 'starting out on your own' advice.

I don’t think 50/50 is fair, you have (presumably) been the primary carer for your children, that will likely have limited your earning capacity, he could reasonably continue to work on a much higher salary for another 10 years or so. Your difference in circumstance will get wider and wider over the coming years if you’re not appropriately compensated now. In addition to that, you’re housing your DC with no guarantee your exDP will contribute in the future.

I would sit down with the figures and sound out a few different scenarios, but 50/50 certainly doesn’t seem fair to me.

Steel yourself. Divorce is never a pleasant business and while your intention to remain amicable is admirable, it is also naive. Your husband wants to control both the narrative and the financial agreement. Of course it will be skewed in his favour. He is used to you being untroublesome in his decision-making.

You absolutely must take legal advice from a GOOD divorce lawyer.

I've worked consistently, moved to around 25 hours part time when we had children, with just a year's break when I left a difficult job but our money was otherwise stable so I have paid full N.I etc. He had jobs in Greece/London etc so travelling always featured, in essence I was bound by responsibilities and had jobs with flexibility combined with WFH. I realise now these factors affect a fair split going forward as initial starting point was obviously 50:50 so this is where I will focus taking advice myself as I expect anything more than 50% will cause upset, unless the ongoing secured monthly support from his much higher earning power will allow me a fair start on my own. Thank you.

Thank you for all your points, spot on. My ideas are evolving constantly, so the discussion over cars was simply a vague agreement for convenience, where the money split would be balanced out to reflect the value of the vehicles. He is very attached to that particular car and in his words, says 'he worked hard for it and he'd rather sell the house than let the car go'. That might give you a sense of what I'm dealing with when it comes to material items. I am definitely looking to take my own advice route now, based on so many supportive responses here. So thank you.

You don't need to worry about respectfulness or causing upset. The man is utterly unconcerned with these things, as demonstrated when he was committing adultery, rising your health, and fathering kids.
What happens now is simply natural consequences.

Women, myself included often short-change themselves during divorce in an effort to keep things amicable - to prevent the man becoming uncooperative and making things difficult as they can be resentful of 'sharing' what they consider theirs.

You are right to think he has been hiding money away - he has a 35k car but you only have £11,000 savings between you, a sign of his selfishness I'd say.

He has obviously been planning this for a while so likely to have some tricks up his sleeve.

As pp's have said you need legal advice so ensure that he keeps to his side of the agreement, not just his word that he will look after you. Good luck!

Who cares if it causes upset? He’s not your friend any more. He’s out for himself. You are the reason he was able to work abroad and build his pension at the expense of your own. He has a higher earning potential now until he retires because of this.

50% is not fair to you.

and he doesn’t care about being fair to you now. He cares about holding on to as much of that money as possible. Definitely get your own legal advice and don’t depend on monthly payments. If he loses his job or retires early etc they aren’t guaranteed. The fair thing to do is a clean financial split that reflects you had a reduced capacity for earning as you supported his career with childcare etc.

Let him be cross about it. That’s not a reason to accept less than you are worth.

(too late to edit but that was meant to say *risking your health, when he was shagging about with no condoms. Cheating is abuse and causes trauma to the victims.

Let the man be upset all he fancies, it's a him-problem.)

I’m just trying to consolidate things here;

You’ve worked 25 hours per week to allow you to keep house & kids whilst he built his career

He earns about 4 times what you do.

He has a 35k car, you have a 6k car

You have pensions but 80% are in his pots

You have a (presumable min 3 bed house) with £15k left to pay off

You have been paying for 16 year’s maintenance to an illegitimate child of his (assuming they don’t stay with you that’s maybe £300 / month?)

You only have £11k in savings

So your earnings have been sacrificed by at least 30% for the marriage.

He has taken value out for his child (16 yrs x £300/month = £57,600)

He has taken value into control in the pensions

He has grabbed value in the car spending

Unless you have done some serious projects or spend very freely the savings seem VERY low for a family that must earn something like 4 x min wage as a lower end? Can you look at a few months over the past few years and reconcile money in and out?

Bottom line - this isn’t a man who sees a financial partnership, and never has, so his view of what 50:50 might look like almost certainly discounts key elements of what you’ve given up, plus I’d agree there is a risk he has been squirrelling money, hence his apparent ease of offering 50%.

Get the information, get independent advice and get it all agreed by court at the end if there’s any chance of him coming back and changing things in the future!

do you have access to his bank statements and pay info to see if he’s hidden money? If not it’s worth asking to complete form e and provide 12 months info even if you just use it as basis for mediation.
retirement income / pensions should be 50:50 given same age.
other assets should then be 50:50 as start (including cars) unless you need more than 50% to house yourself - 60/40 would not be unusual with such differing income levels but it depends on what you need for a fair outcome. The children won’t factor into it - legally over 18 neither of you have to house them. Morally is a different issue.
Also put both your info through a mortgage calculator to see what you could each borrow
The court will see your work at home as equal so ignore any claims about him earning more this isn’t a factor. You both agreed to organise home life as you did.
Looking at the ES2 form the court would use is helpful as it shows the court does not care he loves his car it’s just a figure in the box. The key issue is the total pension and non pension assets. Using the court form can take the emotion out of it and concentrate minds.
Think about purchase and sale costs etc

Look for deferred income: future rights to shares, bonuses, earn-outs, stage payments. If he's in banking, venture capital or sold a business..

You have summarised precisely, with only exception child maintenance is £350 monthly. At peak earnings in 2019 when he says he first thought about splitting (unknown to me) his salary was £120k + bonus & car, I earned just under personal tax allowance. My naivety is surfacing; although I've always handled domestic bills/pensions etc. I wasn't reconciling the net movements because we were comfortable. We had one annual family holiday circa 4-5k. I do have access to historical joint account so I'll take your advice and use that as a starting point and see if I've overlooked what was in plain sight. Squirreling is a great term, I have found a stash in a locked tool cupboard in recent times of over £2k in loose notes and when confronted he said I was snooping, no explanation was forthcoming. I need a good shake clearly, embarrassed at my servitude to a crappy and prolonged lack of respect.

Absolutely get your own, independent financial and legal advice.

The cynic in me says that he wants the divorce and financial settlement done and dusted quickly for a specific reason. A large amount of money due in the next 12-18 months? Inheritance/ company shares etc?

As lemon says, if there are enough assets to provide for op needs with 50:50 that is the likely division a court would agree - whether people think that’s fair or not is irrelevant

so it comes down to that question - and of course ensuring full disclosure of all monies

There's certainly potential for a new job after recent conversations. He lost a fantastic job in 2020 and his salary exactly halved so he's been in pursuit of bettering this since then and he did discuss a new upcoming opportunity in one of our good moments. Both his parents are poorly, one with Leukaemia, the other Alzheimer's and failing, so yes, inheritance may not be far off.

Boom! This is perfect timing for him. Your youngest is 18. Inheritance and increased earnings coming down the line. He is trying to screw you over, big time.

OP the salary difference may to how the pot is split. But remember you will assessed on your income being FT because there is no reason for you not to work FT. Secondly it is not salary that is looked it is income and expenditure. As a higher earner he will be paying a lot in tax. He also has a dependent who will be an additional expense for him that you don’t have. The expense of keeping the family home and housing your working adult child aren’t needs.

Career sacrifice is a very specific thing in a divorce and where it is established it may be something that is already covered by the division of assets. Indeed it usually is covered by the division of assets and pensions. You will get at least 50% of these despite most of the financial contributions being from him.

Assuming this isn’t a high value divorce and given the lack of mutual dependents a judge isn’t going to want to spend a lot of time listening to convoluted arguments. It is most likely to be treated as a straightforward needs case.

I think the pertinent issues are whether you would need a mortgage to fund a suitable property and whether your share of the pension pot is adequate given your age and income.

I'm not convinced that anyone can get true comprehensive advice on personalised divorce options in the "free" 30 minutes, and after you start paying for advice from lawyer it may be tempting to invest in the lawyer 'fightig' for your "fair share". Which is necessary for many but not always the best strategy... Lawyers cost a lot, can take all of what little shared assets there are.

Also Totally agree with everyone else about getting an agreement that specifies as many expectations as possible, about ongoing support for the pets and DC etc.

One step at a time, was how we had to do it. The ... D81? form is good for identifying categories of assets to split, with or without lawyer advice, you want to correctly identify everything that needs to go on that asset split list.

OP some of these podcasts may be helpful: https://www.thedivorcepodcast.com/category/finances

Also The Legal Queen on Instagram (Moloney Family Law) is very helpful.

Thank you for both of these, I will look at them

This is the key thing: full disclosure.

OP can see from the behaviours that he doesn’t see the finances as shared unless it suits him, and on £120k + her earning there should be way more than £11k in savings. Realising that is pertinent to a fair 50:50 as it indicates he is hiding assets and would like this all done quickly to keep those hidden.

Please don’t trust what he says regarding looking after your youngest and dog etc. get everything agreed formally. Go to a solicitor on your own, so he can’t manipulate things. He’s actually manipulating you now, youngest still at home, says he’s looking for 50/50 but wants to keep car worth almost £30,000 more than yours. Also of course there’s another woman.
please don’t settle for less than you’re entitled to just to keep the peace, you would actually just be storing up trouble for the future. Hire a forensic accountant and track down any secret accounts. What you do over the next few months will decide your financial future for the rest of your life.
wishing you all the best for a happy life without him dragging you down.

I think he is on 60k plus no car now. The £120k was his peak but he subsequently took another job at half that about 5 years ago when the OP suspects he might have hidden money. It isn’t very clear and my advice to the OP is to be very clear and pertinent in the information she collects to take to a solicitor.

If he is earning c 60k and supporting a family plus another child the potential to salt away a hoard of money is minimal. This huge drop in salary would explain why savings are so low. Especially if he bought a car that is currently worth £35k.

The OP needs to be using time with a lawyer wisely. That means providing pertinent information. A list of current assets, including house, cars, savings and pension values, her income and his income. Again it is income not salary that matters here. She needs to know how much his child support costs, which will now probably increase. The OP should be assessing how much it will cost her to house herself and whether she needs a mortgage or not. She then needs to find out if she can obtain a mortgage. She can find out the value of local homes and what her borrowing potential is quite easily.

I don’t see what a joint visit to an IFA will achieve for a divorcing couple. I’d go along and nod nicely like a PP said. That being said their stated desires to keep the house and the car and also divorce is a pipe dream.

He won't "look after" you, you can be sure of that. Once he's gone he's gone so don't fall for that bullshit. It's probably a ruse to get out of giving you what you deserve.
As a three times divorcee I recommend taking all your figures to a shit hot divorce lawyer for at least one appointment. They will be able to tell you exactly what you are entitled to in one appointment and how to proceed.
Then do as much as possible online and stick to your guns.fighting it out in court can cost up to £100,000 even more.
You will need a solicitor for the consent or clean break part of the deal if you want one. It protects you from him coming back for more money after you are divorced if say you get an inheritance.
Don't believe anything he says. He no longer has your interests at heart.