He's divorcing me, where do I start?

[Dreamer1971]

Hi, new here and seeking advice on how to proactively protect myself as we are starting divorce proceedings this week. I've had 6 weeks to process the initial emotions since my husband said he was done, I've told my close family members yesterday and they all say the same thing, to move things along as quickly as possible. We have been married 30 years, together for 36 years, we are both 54. He is a serial cheater and have supported a child he had from one affair 16 years ago. He says there's no one else currently and it is his intention to 'look after me' after divorce and he still cares just isn't in love with me. We have two children together, 25 and 18 - the youngest will continue to live with me and our two dogs.
He is in a Senior position in his job and has always been the supporting earner, current income is 4 times mine and this has been the case for most of our marriage, with me working just to keep in touch and a little independence. Everything we have is joint currently - mortgage, bank account, modest £11k savings. We both have a number of pensions, with about 80% of the combined pension pool in my husband's pots. Two cars that are owned. Mortgage is small, just £15k left and no other debts. He is working on the premise that the working split will be 50/50 but we are seeing an IFA this weekend to start understanding if the divorce process can be handled with mutual agreement only. I have always done the household admin and I'm confident of our status, though I do believe he has been hiding money elsewhere for a few years now. He said he first considered divorce in 2019. We continue to live together and are on talking terms. He does have a tendency to flare up when pressed and I know he will walk out if the pressure ramps up, so I'm using every ounce of my resolve to make sure I protect my ongoing interests and get through this asap.
So my question is, what should I be doing right now to protect myself regardless of how this proceeds, but still be respectful? We have not made any formal move on divorcing as at today, other than contacting IFA.
Things I have done - taken copies of all relevant financial statements, opened a sole bank account, changed my mobile PIN and online passwords on things personal to me. Spoken to my manager at work, who were very receptive and I have access to a Health programme if needed and I will easily be able to earn more within same role. I'm a calm, practical person but I don't want to be naive and complacent because my husband has clearly manipulated me over the course of our marriage. Our children are being fantastic over this, and assure me I will be much better on my own.
Thank you in advance for any 'starting out on your own' advice.

@LemonTT is correct in what she says .

Sadly the aim is to ensure that both parties have a clean break and an equitable division of assets. Bad or good behaviour doesn't count for anything.

You cannot bring in future inheritances etc - it's not relevant . The money could be spent on care fees. Yes you did certain things which helped his career - as my ex H said " no one asked you to " 🤷‍♀️ This is only one example of how they can turn.

You should consider getting an actuary to assess the split. The solicitor can usually advise one they work with. Costs about 1500 or so to be split between you. They line up everything - pensions , State pensions etc and state what an equitable settlement would be. You can accept this or use it to bargain.

You must get a CETV of the pensions and look into how that would work according to the type of pension. Will his pension company keep you on or will they want to give a lump sum which will have to be invested ( hopefully the latter) Do not take equity instead of pension! Pension will continue to accrue. I got a lump sum 10 years ago and it is now worth more and after 8 years of withdrawing an annual income.

As regards the 18 year old I would suggest that gets put into writing too.

Your situation sounds very similar to mine . I also found stashes of cash that my ex h had been taking out that he claimed at the time was an accident 🙄 . I'm happier than I've ever been.

I am overwhelmed by the support and understanding of my story and value the experiences shared and guidance I've been given so much. Every single response has been relevant and given me the start of clear conviction to check, double check, question and prepare, by myself. I have tackled personal aspects non stop the last couple of days with the support of my sister. My STBXH is showing the strain of losing control as he knows I'm busy with things, but not why. So I've take on board the fact I absolutely have to get my own professional advice. I have access to a wellbeing service at work which I have contacted today.
With regards to his salary changes I've always had visibility of payslips and oversaw self assessments so I have the confidence in income. In hindsight we have always been free with spending so I don't believe there'll be sizeable amounts out of sight.
One important aspect I had omitted so far, referencing savings, is that when he lost his highest paid job we had to live off savings for 7 months which were £70k at that time. Then a deposit for his current car. In the same period I found a job as I wasn't working for a short time after Covid. Then he lost the next job which also depleted reserves for a further couple of months.
Although I'm still reeling from the enormity of the current situation, I've had my eyes opened by family thankfully. I have a lot of support which I am so very lucky to have, plus both my daughter's are both fully engaged in making sure I'm ok and even they are spinning positives to it.

No help whatsoever, but you sound bloody fab and in control.
Good luck x

Look after yourself. He is not your friend. I have heard all sorts of promises from men who are leaving their wives. They have never ever been followed through. Expert advice is the way to go . Someone fighting, even if paid, in your corner.

You have already received excellent advice. I’ll add that if he’s pushing for 50/50 it more likely means he knows you could / should get more. My DH had to agree to a 57/43 split because his ex didn’t like working full time and they didn’t even have kids. So don’t just accept half.
Also, the pot needs to include everything of value - cars, savings, pensions and sometimes even jewellery. You will need to demonstrate your willingness to work full time. I recommend using amicable to help you agree on a split without going to court. Good luck.

Thanks so much, progressed a lot both practically and emotionally this week and it's been mostly due to advice given here. Fortunately we continue to be on speaking terms and I'm feeling more grounded by taking things in hand. It's hit him hard seeing me proactively working away on personal stuff, though I'm not being secretive as such because we are under the same roof, I've set the tone that I'm paving my own way and I don't need to check in with him on becoming an individual. I've always prided myself on being organised so it's coming in handy. Ironically I'm inclined to think I'm coping with the situation far better, he's not even told his close family yet..was it all manipulation who knows?
We are due our first advisor appt soon, so on the back of that discussion I will decide on next step, likely I may need to appoint my own and take up at least some initial solicitor advice.
My work line Manager is excellent and I will be able to work any extra hours in future if needed, thankfully.

I'm glad you're doing so (relatively) well and starting to get things together.

It struck me - the fact that he appears to have timed this to coincide with your youngest's 18th - if his parents are in their latter throes, he may well try to rush a financial agreement/divorce to keep any inheritance out of th equation.

I'm not suggesting for a moment you should delay for the opposite reason, but maybe just be mindful and make sure you don't let him rush or emotionally blackmail you into tying things up quicker than you are comfortable with.

I know it feels horrible to have to approach someone who was your life partner in such a cynical way, but once financial settlements are agreed it's virtually impossible to change them, so don't just think about what you need now, think about how your future might have looked had you stayed together and ensure that is also reflected in any settlement.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Over two months have passed since he mentioned divorce and I have rode the emotional ups and downs ok so far I think and my actions and thoughts have evolved swiftly once I knew it was time to start thinking 'me' rather than 'we', with lots of support since I've reached out here, at work and my family, which I'm so grateful for. I've kept routine, but start the day with my own purpose in mind. I know there'll be disagreements and more tears, but not without knowing goals. I'm not feeling any urgency, though I am the one steering things as we go but that's ok for me. My first days of blind panic have subsided and I guess the journey starts here pinning down our separate paths. Thank you, and everyone else who has shown support x

I really liked my divorce solicitor because she was very practical, sensible and focused on a fair split.
https://www.mfgsolicitors.com/site/people/profile/sian.kenkre
When you're conditioned to please someone and put them first it's hard to stop.
You have to both walk away on an equal footing. That doesn't mean with the same amount - if one has a higher salary, bigger pension then it needs taking into account so you can both live a similar life at the time of the split. Then any future prosperity doesn't come into it.

How are you doing @Dreamer1971?

Thank you for checking on me :) things are starting to move along, not taken a breath this week with multiple house viewings, and received two offers so that is a great sign we will have a sale swiftly. Have solicitor appointment this morning. Tried mediation services but I have been reluctant to go this route as I simply don't know what financial fairness looks like under my own set of circumstances. STBXH is keen to settle things by mutual agreement which he says is to keep costs down, but my vulnerability going forward has made me see I need to be guided by law, not feelings or striving to be amicable. Hopefully once I have clarity on my financial standing I can get cracking on pinning down a home, obviously looking at market daily but not quite in a position to commit. I will update soon. Thank you x

I’m glad to hear you’re perkier and pressing ahead. You can do this! I hope you get the best outcome possible. X

Exactly a year on from sharing here, thought it might be cathartic to jump on again and share my outcome. Financial agreement signed off yesterday. House finally going up for sale next week. Thankfully I have had a brilliant solicitor, almost ended up in court but ex folded finally, would have been higher risk for him. He relied on a legal friend for free advice and it hampered every stage. I've spent £6k on legal costs. So proud of myself sticking it out, because there were many periods I was so fatigued by the process. I secured clean break 63.5% share of net assets (on a needs basis as my mortgage raising capacity is so low and against ex being a fairly high earner) which allows me to buy a modest home mortgage-free, equalisation of pensions and ownership of our second car. Still sinking in because I've been in limbo for 18 months. Fortunate now to be on path to independence and emotionally I'm far better equipped now to tackle the practical parts of the final split and house move. Anyhow, I received great support here and I'm pleased to let you know that slow and steady brought the result I wished for x

I'm glad it's all worked out for you. Be kind to yourself now. I had a tough time after mine was settled - doctor said my body was used to running on high cortisol levels . One of the things I did was an in person group mindfulness course and I can say it really helped. Wishing you all the best.

Thank you for coming back and updating. I've been following your story because I'm in a similar position. I haven't dared say I want us to divorce yet though.

I'm glad to hear you had a good outcome, despite the fees. They seem a good investment!

I hear you, thank you. Everyone tells me how brilliantly I've dealt with it all so far. Like most people though I'm still flapping and overthinking underneath. I've relied on my sister and one close friend to vent 'truth' when needed. I've tried to stay pretty private otherwise and I'm glad I did. Despite the legal wrangling my ex and I have remained on decent terms, stayed under one roof and can hold a conversation but I know my proximity to him is not healthy and he has essentially benefited from the continued arrangement. He wishes to be friends but I feel this will allow him to take comfort from what I can offer, without responsibility. He told his family and friends the divorce was mutual, the denial and lack of accountability was his way of coping and avoiding scrutiny. I haven't corrected anyone or vilified him by exposing indiscretions that dominated our history. The way I see it, he isn't feeling the full effect of his choices yet, things always reveal themselves in time. Our adult daughter's have made me proud with their neutrality and attitude to the situation. Again, they do not know the intricacies of our problems, even though there have been times I felt like exposing their dad's selfishness. Again, I'm glad I haven't. Coming out of the other side with dignity is a huge test.
I'm under no illusion that the next stage, plus the physical separation will be draining, still deeply sad that our marriage ended and have an inner nag of not having meaningful answers to many things. Quiet acceptance is the only option and disentangling from everything that bonded us as a couple. My brain retraining is work in progress. I think I'm ok, until I'm not. Then I remind myself crying for ten minutes isn't a failure, I set a time limit on it, then jump in the shower.
There'll be questions to ask myself once I'm living alone and a group like the one you suggested may well help me with reflecting on what I need to focus and work on. Thank you for replying, it can be a lonely place even when we know so many others are muddling along the same path. All the best to you too. X

Can I just say you sound like an astonishingly emotionally literate person, @Dreamer1971 , and kind and competent and self contained too.
What an utter fool your ex is not to have valued and cherished you.
You'll be fine without him. 💐

It's like all life changing decisions, there's never a 'good' time. Even though I wasn't the one who initiated the divorce, I've come around to seeing the merits of leaving what was essentially a poor marriage, overshadowed by resentment and one of us being too trusting, the other trusting nothing. If I'm being honest, even now, I don't think I would have ever called time on it. I do believe now though that's there's a future waiting that I will feel thankful for. A lot of conflicting emotions. The divorce process is what you make it. In hindsight the biggest thing that helped us navigate without spiralling into conflict was to step away from any discussions that felt like an impasse. Agree to space. Gave us both time to digest, feel less pressured and reconvene. No decisions were made from high emotion. When I decided it was time to appoint a solicitor I felt conflicted because we'd always managed to address problems together. Our respective thoughts on how to agree finances were miles apart so I also knew I had little choice. Suddenly having to make sole decisions was actually very scary, I'm not the breadwinner, probably one of the most significant things I've ever done. I guess what I'm saying is, you find resolve you don't know you have once you're in the process. The free 30 minute session with a family law solicitor was hugely reassuring, maybe I was fortunate but I have had a very good experience with mine and I then had the confidence that legal outlay vs. range of outcome that I could work with.
The early part of being blindsided by divorce is long behind me, first 3 months were a blur of emotions and trying to amicably agree, by 6 months I was feeling acceptance, less hurt and much more business like. We evolve thankfully. I wish you well with your decisions and hope you, in turn, update us here when we see you on the other side x

Onwards. Thank you.

You both need a CETV for your pensions ... this could take a long long time so suggest you both do this immediately.

Once you’ve sold up and move into your new home you will find contentment and happiness that you deserve.

Thank you this has been addressed, our finance order is signed off. It did take a long time, almost six months to receive pension report before we could start negotiations on our financial split and the reason it took exactly a year to reach an agreement.

50% division is not a fair split. You have around 10-20 years more of working until retirement. His income is roughly 4x yours so he has the ability to build up finances for his retirement whilst you do not. You also have the children living with you and can’t count on him providing as they are over 18. Therefore I would go for a 60-40 split in your favour, get a maintenance agreement to cover the children through uni etc. go see a good solicitor who can talk you through your options. If you don’t have the money to do this, you can apply for him to pay for your costs.

You are truly, truly impressive - really well done.

Op who selected this IFA? Just as you wouldn’t see a joint solicitor when you’re divorcing I don’t think this is appropriate. The IFA needs to work in the best interest of his/her client. How can they do that if the clients have wildly different interests?
I’d book an appointment with a solicitor and take it from there. You can then get a separate IFA once you’ve had legal advice on what you’re entitled to.
dont be bamboozled by his mate pulling a fast one on you. By all means go along with him to keep him sweet but only after you’ve had your own advice independently.