He's divorcing me, where do I start?

[Dreamer1971]

Hi, new here and seeking advice on how to proactively protect myself as we are starting divorce proceedings this week. I've had 6 weeks to process the initial emotions since my husband said he was done, I've told my close family members yesterday and they all say the same thing, to move things along as quickly as possible. We have been married 30 years, together for 36 years, we are both 54. He is a serial cheater and have supported a child he had from one affair 16 years ago. He says there's no one else currently and it is his intention to 'look after me' after divorce and he still cares just isn't in love with me. We have two children together, 25 and 18 - the youngest will continue to live with me and our two dogs.
He is in a Senior position in his job and has always been the supporting earner, current income is 4 times mine and this has been the case for most of our marriage, with me working just to keep in touch and a little independence. Everything we have is joint currently - mortgage, bank account, modest £11k savings. We both have a number of pensions, with about 80% of the combined pension pool in my husband's pots. Two cars that are owned. Mortgage is small, just £15k left and no other debts. He is working on the premise that the working split will be 50/50 but we are seeing an IFA this weekend to start understanding if the divorce process can be handled with mutual agreement only. I have always done the household admin and I'm confident of our status, though I do believe he has been hiding money elsewhere for a few years now. He said he first considered divorce in 2019. We continue to live together and are on talking terms. He does have a tendency to flare up when pressed and I know he will walk out if the pressure ramps up, so I'm using every ounce of my resolve to make sure I protect my ongoing interests and get through this asap.
So my question is, what should I be doing right now to protect myself regardless of how this proceeds, but still be respectful? We have not made any formal move on divorcing as at today, other than contacting IFA.
Things I have done - taken copies of all relevant financial statements, opened a sole bank account, changed my mobile PIN and online passwords on things personal to me. Spoken to my manager at work, who were very receptive and I have access to a Health programme if needed and I will easily be able to earn more within same role. I'm a calm, practical person but I don't want to be naive and complacent because my husband has clearly manipulated me over the course of our marriage. Our children are being fantastic over this, and assure me I will be much better on my own.
Thank you in advance for any 'starting out on your own' advice.

@LemonTT is correct in what she says .

Sadly the aim is to ensure that both parties have a clean break and an equitable division of assets. Bad or good behaviour doesn't count for anything.

You cannot bring in future inheritances etc - it's not relevant . The money could be spent on care fees. Yes you did certain things which helped his career - as my ex H said " no one asked you to " 🤷‍♀️ This is only one example of how they can turn.

You should consider getting an actuary to assess the split. The solicitor can usually advise one they work with. Costs about 1500 or so to be split between you. They line up everything - pensions , State pensions etc and state what an equitable settlement would be. You can accept this or use it to bargain.

You must get a CETV of the pensions and look into how that would work according to the type of pension. Will his pension company keep you on or will they want to give a lump sum which will have to be invested ( hopefully the latter) Do not take equity instead of pension! Pension will continue to accrue. I got a lump sum 10 years ago and it is now worth more and after 8 years of withdrawing an annual income.

As regards the 18 year old I would suggest that gets put into writing too.

Your situation sounds very similar to mine . I also found stashes of cash that my ex h had been taking out that he claimed at the time was an accident 🙄 . I'm happier than I've ever been.

I am overwhelmed by the support and understanding of my story and value the experiences shared and guidance I've been given so much. Every single response has been relevant and given me the start of clear conviction to check, double check, question and prepare, by myself. I have tackled personal aspects non stop the last couple of days with the support of my sister. My STBXH is showing the strain of losing control as he knows I'm busy with things, but not why. So I've take on board the fact I absolutely have to get my own professional advice. I have access to a wellbeing service at work which I have contacted today.
With regards to his salary changes I've always had visibility of payslips and oversaw self assessments so I have the confidence in income. In hindsight we have always been free with spending so I don't believe there'll be sizeable amounts out of sight.
One important aspect I had omitted so far, referencing savings, is that when he lost his highest paid job we had to live off savings for 7 months which were £70k at that time. Then a deposit for his current car. In the same period I found a job as I wasn't working for a short time after Covid. Then he lost the next job which also depleted reserves for a further couple of months.
Although I'm still reeling from the enormity of the current situation, I've had my eyes opened by family thankfully. I have a lot of support which I am so very lucky to have, plus both my daughter's are both fully engaged in making sure I'm ok and even they are spinning positives to it.

No help whatsoever, but you sound bloody fab and in control.
Good luck x

Look after yourself. He is not your friend. I have heard all sorts of promises from men who are leaving their wives. They have never ever been followed through. Expert advice is the way to go . Someone fighting, even if paid, in your corner.

You have already received excellent advice. I’ll add that if he’s pushing for 50/50 it more likely means he knows you could / should get more. My DH had to agree to a 57/43 split because his ex didn’t like working full time and they didn’t even have kids. So don’t just accept half.
Also, the pot needs to include everything of value - cars, savings, pensions and sometimes even jewellery. You will need to demonstrate your willingness to work full time. I recommend using amicable to help you agree on a split without going to court. Good luck.

Thanks so much, progressed a lot both practically and emotionally this week and it's been mostly due to advice given here. Fortunately we continue to be on speaking terms and I'm feeling more grounded by taking things in hand. It's hit him hard seeing me proactively working away on personal stuff, though I'm not being secretive as such because we are under the same roof, I've set the tone that I'm paving my own way and I don't need to check in with him on becoming an individual. I've always prided myself on being organised so it's coming in handy. Ironically I'm inclined to think I'm coping with the situation far better, he's not even told his close family yet..was it all manipulation who knows?
We are due our first advisor appt soon, so on the back of that discussion I will decide on next step, likely I may need to appoint my own and take up at least some initial solicitor advice.
My work line Manager is excellent and I will be able to work any extra hours in future if needed, thankfully.

I'm glad you're doing so (relatively) well and starting to get things together.

It struck me - the fact that he appears to have timed this to coincide with your youngest's 18th - if his parents are in their latter throes, he may well try to rush a financial agreement/divorce to keep any inheritance out of th equation.

I'm not suggesting for a moment you should delay for the opposite reason, but maybe just be mindful and make sure you don't let him rush or emotionally blackmail you into tying things up quicker than you are comfortable with.

I know it feels horrible to have to approach someone who was your life partner in such a cynical way, but once financial settlements are agreed it's virtually impossible to change them, so don't just think about what you need now, think about how your future might have looked had you stayed together and ensure that is also reflected in any settlement.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. Over two months have passed since he mentioned divorce and I have rode the emotional ups and downs ok so far I think and my actions and thoughts have evolved swiftly once I knew it was time to start thinking 'me' rather than 'we', with lots of support since I've reached out here, at work and my family, which I'm so grateful for. I've kept routine, but start the day with my own purpose in mind. I know there'll be disagreements and more tears, but not without knowing goals. I'm not feeling any urgency, though I am the one steering things as we go but that's ok for me. My first days of blind panic have subsided and I guess the journey starts here pinning down our separate paths. Thank you, and everyone else who has shown support x

I really liked my divorce solicitor because she was very practical, sensible and focused on a fair split.
https://www.mfgsolicitors.com/site/people/profile/sian.kenkre
When you're conditioned to please someone and put them first it's hard to stop.
You have to both walk away on an equal footing. That doesn't mean with the same amount - if one has a higher salary, bigger pension then it needs taking into account so you can both live a similar life at the time of the split. Then any future prosperity doesn't come into it.

How are you doing @Dreamer1971?

Thank you for checking on me :) things are starting to move along, not taken a breath this week with multiple house viewings, and received two offers so that is a great sign we will have a sale swiftly. Have solicitor appointment this morning. Tried mediation services but I have been reluctant to go this route as I simply don't know what financial fairness looks like under my own set of circumstances. STBXH is keen to settle things by mutual agreement which he says is to keep costs down, but my vulnerability going forward has made me see I need to be guided by law, not feelings or striving to be amicable. Hopefully once I have clarity on my financial standing I can get cracking on pinning down a home, obviously looking at market daily but not quite in a position to commit. I will update soon. Thank you x

I’m glad to hear you’re perkier and pressing ahead. You can do this! I hope you get the best outcome possible. X