Can I force my 13 year old to have overnights with me?

[SlateandSteel]

DS 13 is refusing to stay overnight with me in my new house. I’m recently separated from his Dad with my own place and DS is filled with anger towards me. I’ve made a terrible mistake in being the one to leave the family home. He’s point blank refusing to stay overnight at my new house and says he just wants to see me in the day etc. The idea of ex having full custody will destroy me. You hear of mostly mums staying in the family home, I never anticipated DS would be so reluctant to stay overnight. What can I do? At 13 can he legally choose to have no overnights with me?!

I’m devastated and have no idea what to do. Ex says to give him more time. I’m close to just begging my ex to let me back in the family home or to suggest a trial separation because I can’t lose my son.

Having my freedom means nothing if I lose my son. I am absolutely devastated at just giving him tea but not properly living with him.

AIBU to give him no choice in that he has to stay overnight and have a plan? I’ve ruined my life 😢

He doesn’t ‘need’ to get used to sleeping at yours. He can choose.

Can you not hear yourself? The words you are using are all showing expectation and pressure.

Rein it in, or risk losing him.

Ffs stop emotionally blackmailing/abusing your child.

I thought as much (I was the one who asked) Are you also the one whose parents aren't all that supportive?

Yes unfortunately!

Evening,
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There is a huuuuge back story here about the exes behaviour and his deliberate manipulation of her son that @SlateandSteel hasn't included (posted about under another user name) which would make this all make a lot more sense

You need to remember this is a 13 year old teenager, in 5 years time he will legally be an adult - yes an adult
he is not a toddler !

It's interesting that Dad won't be having the younger one 50/50 because of ' work '

As awful as this situation is I think you should step back a minute and consider your eldest sons needs and emotions as well as your own.
you have left, you are safe now and can make a start on rebuilding your life and finding a new normal.
for your older son it may have been hard on him (as well as the rest of you) having a younger brother with additional needs and while he may love his brother he’s quite possibly feeling pleased in a way to be the only one with dad having some 1-1. Realistically he is 13, and you wouldn’t be having him wanting to spend all his time with you anyway in a few years. You haven’t lost him and doing your best to play it cool and not pressure him due to your own emotions will work much better than guilt tripping him. Give him time and don’t be hard on yourself

Parents who stay show their children that they are staying to protect their DC, rather than leaving DC to handle the situation and potential (likely) abuse on their own, it isn't "just what you do". I wouldn't judge someone who left, though, just explaining why some parents stay.

If this was a woman posting that her DH had left and the DC were refusing to stay with him overnight she would be told that she shouldn’t send them, that there were likely valid reasons why the DC didn’t want to stay there and that given it was his choice to leave he needed to accept it.

This is no different.

None of us knows the reasons why this relationship has ended or the reasons why the DS doesn’t want to stay. The OP’s reasons might be genuine, but let’s be honest, no-one ever leaves a relationship and says that they were to blame do they?

Added to which the OP’s language is the kind of emotive language which is often used by the abusive DH’s on here, blaming the wives for the split, for turning the kids against them etc etc.

At the end of the day the OP chose to leave. And as hard as it is, sometimes the collateral damage of a split is damage to the relationship with the children. Yes more often than not the kids do move forward and the relationships are mended, but it’s naive to suggest that the children are always better off, or that they shouldn’t be affected by a split and in some cases even side with one parent or the other.

Often it’s the mother they side with, but at 13 it’s not uncommon for a teenage boy to be closer to their father. And he’s of an age where he can choose where to stay.

While I agree that OP's behaviour isn't ideal, I think this is a little harsh. I'm the absolute last person to jump on the 'man bad, woman good' bandwagon and I'm forever screaming at mumsnetters about their misandry: however, this OP has been very poorly treated, both by her husband and by other family members. She did a very brave thing by freeing herself from an abusive marriage. She is understandably reeling from the emotional impact of having steeled herself to leave, only to find that her son is very unhappy. I agree that she needs to pull herself together, but I think she is genuinely trying her best (unlike some on this site who just whine and make excuse after excuse, often having more and more kids with their useless spouses)

My son’s dad did force him as a teenager.. he’s now in his twenties and hasn’t spoken to his father since he was 18 and had a choice. I do understand how hurtful this is for you, but you need to think long term and meet your son where he’s at.

Do you think that was appropriate to say to him?

There are some very strange comments here.

Undue pressure in expecting a CHILD to stay overnight with each parent as per a normal custody arrangement - his mother who had to leave because of an abusive relationship????

Sounds like some control may be coming from dad here?

If this was a man posting - every woman would say the mum should be STRONGLY encouraging (obviously forcing not possible with a 13 yr old) the child to stay overnight.

This is like the end game of bullshit gentle parenting.

Mum is a safe parent - house is safe - millions of kids stay with non resident parent each week - but here apparently its too traumatic to tell the child they are staying set days with mum and sibling?

this is bizarre.

Op - I would go to court - be absolutely firm with the child and dad needs to be on board.

I’m sure this is beyond awful, but for your poor son it must be the most wretched experience of his life. All you can do is love and support him. He’s not ready to have to stay in your strange house, please just let him lead on this. He just wants the stability of home when his life has been turned upside down.

It is not blackmail or emotional abuse to tell a child you love them and want them to remain part of your family and do normal family things ie. share custody/ live in the family home.

I'd like to ask the mums on here to imagine their own children deciding to just never stay a night with them again - think you would be tearful? devastated? Think you might be telling your child that you do desperatately want them to stay?

what sort of strange psycho mum would just be totally relaxed about losing custody of a child?

this is actually one of the strangest threads Ive seen on mumsnet!

I think that's very unfair language to use with a 13 year old. You are making it dad v mam, making him choose, putting the ball in his court to make everything "fair"... you need to turn you focus to the lovely days you are spending together and forget about the over night. You are completely disregarding the quality time you are spending with him by using phrases like "he's like he died" because he wont stay the night!

Yes, that stood out to me as well.

OP, you need to put him first, not yourself. You’ve left an emotionally abusive relationship, so it doesn’t make sense to go back. See your son as much as he wants to, and go at his pace.

I agree, it is quite possible it is the ex who is manipulating the 13 year old to "choose" him.

It does feel awful and unfair, I had to leave due to EA and now ex has full custody. It’s like I’m in a nightmare. DS said he had looked up custody arrangements and he said I couldn’t force him to stay at his age.

Please make Ex DH take 50% of the responsibility. He needs to step up with both children.

Your oldest will come round give him time and space. Hopefully your exH isn't using emotions against him too.

Concentrate on spending quality time with him in whatever way he is comfortable with. You mentioned his things not being in the house yet, but his things are where he wants them. Maybe ask him if he would like a few bits to keep at yours. Ask if he would like a consol at yours so when he visits he can play against and chat with his friends. Go out together and buy one , then he has something at yours without moving his iyswim. Do the same with other stuff he is interested in, but don't make a big fuss about it. Gradually he will come to terms with things. You may never get 50/50 but he will start spending more time with you

My biggest fear was that the family would end up split in half. Me and my youngest and ex and teen.

This should be about your DS, not you. You left the family house with him in it, he probably feels abandoned. You can’t force him to stay with you when he’s 13. Respect what he wants and work on building back your relationship with him first before bringing up him staying again.

according to the OP.

We don’t know.

We do know that the 13 year old is refusing to stay with the OP. And that if the situation was reversed everyone would be saying that they clearly have their reasons and that they’re old enough to decide for themselves.

I agree that when the child is younger then they should absolutely be encouraged and in some instances made t stay with the other parent, as when they’re much younger they’re too young to understand the impact of not having a relationship with the other parent.

But by the time they’re 13 they are old enough to make those decisions.

I split with my ex when my DC was ten. And for nearly four years they resisted staying overnight with their father, and even seeing him in some instances. And he laid on the emotional stuff, how he was devastated, how it made him sad, and later his partner started blaming DC for ex losing weight and so it continued.

A large part of the reason why they didn’t want to stay was because of eXH’s partner who made it very clear that she didn’t want to be a step parent.

Anyway when they turned 14 they decided to stop staying there, and they never did again. They do see eXH away from his house, and they do have a relationship with him, but have no relationship with his partner or their half siblings. Their choice, and that is largely down to the behaviour of the parent and in this instance the step parent.

If eXH had tried to make them stay there’s no way I would have supported it.