Can I force my 13 year old to have overnights with me?

[SlateandSteel]

DS 13 is refusing to stay overnight with me in my new house. I’m recently separated from his Dad with my own place and DS is filled with anger towards me. I’ve made a terrible mistake in being the one to leave the family home. He’s point blank refusing to stay overnight at my new house and says he just wants to see me in the day etc. The idea of ex having full custody will destroy me. You hear of mostly mums staying in the family home, I never anticipated DS would be so reluctant to stay overnight. What can I do? At 13 can he legally choose to have no overnights with me?!

I’m devastated and have no idea what to do. Ex says to give him more time. I’m close to just begging my ex to let me back in the family home or to suggest a trial separation because I can’t lose my son.

Having my freedom means nothing if I lose my son. I am absolutely devastated at just giving him tea but not properly living with him.

AIBU to give him no choice in that he has to stay overnight and have a plan? I’ve ruined my life 😢

Yes to the poster who mentioned a big back story, yes a lot has lead up to my making this difficult decision. But I never would have if it meant not living with my son. I had no idea how bad his reaction would be.

I don't think hes chosen his Dad. He's chosen to stay where its more 'normal'.
Wherever you're living now is new and different and a step too far.
If you keep showing up, keep loving him, and keep listening then its not destroyed.

And also, teenage years are hard anyway. Their brains are going through so much change and they desperately want to be independent and adults and then sometimes children. It's so confusing for them but it does end, it does settle and you can still have a relationship but you need to hold on and not take it so personally.
Hang on in there!

I have a beautiful house filled with lovely things but I feel like I’ve paid a terrible price for my freedom and I just want to get rid of it all and go back.

yes and op mentioned younger dc is also disabled. you find many dads can't be arsed with the hard work of younger dc. the 13 year old is now old enough to the things dad wants to do. the younger one probably isn't plus younger one has additional needs which he probably can't be arsed dealing with.
My ex didn't spend much time with our dc when they were little, made excuses as to why he was "busy" he'd often be out until the evening meal, bath and bedtime routine was done by me. and then turn up and this is when we were still together! once they got to an age when they were much easier and he became super dad. I wish the dc would see everything I do for them. they much prefer to be with their dad. mums do all the graft, dads get all the glory!

Is it possible that this is as much to do with the limitations that come from having a sibling with special needs - I don't know how much he resents those limitations but I have a friend who certainly resented his sibling significantly as the parents put a huge amount of effort into that child (for obvious reasons) at the expense of the others. It may not be the case - but just a thought. I also agree with the other posters - you need to reframe all this - your son's choices are not permanent and you haven't destroyed anything - you just have some work to do to rebuild trust.

Thank you, it’s actually only been 4 days since he got back from holiday. It’s still very early days. Big mistake in listening to my mum - you need to tell him he’s staying and that’s the end of it etc. it’s resulted in pushing him further away. Can’t blame her as I chose to listen.

No court will order a 13 year old to stay with a parent if they don’t want to.

Children’s wishes are taken into account from the age of eleven.

And quite how do you propose to make a 13 year old stay at a parent’s?

At 13 they’re plenty old enough to refuse.

Assuming there is no abuse on the part of the OP and this is just resentment, he will hopefully come round in time.

The split is very recent, so at the moment he may be lashing out, and even the ex has said to the OP to give it time.

But forcing the child through court is a sure-fire way of ensuring he never speaks to his mother again, so will have the opposite effect.

You need to a) stop listening to your mum, she's not correct and certainly not helping and b) remember this has only been a few short days for your son. You have had a lot longer to come to terms with this situation, and also have been incredibly brave and strong to get this far. I think everyone who splits from a long term partner, particularly one they have children with, has a wobble and wonders if they should go back but you have to remember you didn't do this on a whim, it's taken a lot to get to this stage and it's for a good reason.

I have a friend who is in nearly your exact situation but two years on (and without the added pressure of a disabled child) her young teen boys were furious with her, felt like she had 'left them' not the father and wouldn't stay in her new home for ages BUT after a while dad became just another annoying parent and she got her chance at overnights and eventually wrinkles were ironed out and they now share parenting like all the rest of us do. Hold tight and be patient he will get there but has to go at his own pace.

To be honest your being a bit full on with him, its ok to have these feelings but the more you force them on him, the more hes going to push away. Let him decorate his space with no push for him to stay there, just as a "so you have somewhere thats your space when you come round" that let him get comfortable at his own pace this will help him feel more secure. Don't tell him he has to sleepover but dont put that barrier there, I would do movie evenings: Pop corn blankets on the sofa ect. You need to give him time and stop being too much hes a teenager now and you cant force him to be somewhere he doesn't want to.

He never took them out alone when they were younger, I think only once (after begging) did he take youngest to the park for a few minutes, he does loads with our oldest now.

He was happy and relaxed until I brought up the sleep overs. I pushed him too soon too hard.

This may well be a valid point.

If the child does resent the other one, and as hard as it is children often do, in fact there have been threads on MN from posters who had siblings with SN growing up and found it hard.

While they’re growing up together they have no choice, but actually if there is resentment of the younger child, the split is possibly a positive in the eyes of the older child, because he might see it as a valid way to not have to spend time with his sibling, especially now that the OP is singularly going to be having both of them.

What’s the relationship between your DC like OP?

If you try to force him, it will have the opposite effect that you're hoping for. Let him come around, as painful as it is to you.
And tell you mother to fuck right off. She's being extremely unhelpful and making your stress out even more. Tell her she needs to stop. I really believe she is totally wrong. Absolutely no ultimatum!
You'll get through this.

What is everyone’s opinion on my requesting with ex that I sit up in the family home with DS when he’s working so he can chill in his room, go out with friends etc.

If you go through court and get 50/50 you’ll only be living with him half the time anyway. And as he is 13 he will get a say in these arrangements. He may choose every single day with you and to use dad and his house effectively as a bed and breakfast! Or he may choose something else entirely. You need to give this whole thing some time.
is dad supportive of shared custody whatever that may look like?

I think you need to make any arrangements where you are in the old family home very formal and clear. Set days and times. You also need your ex to confirm that he is happy to vacate the house whilst you are there. Otherwise you are in danger of 'drifting back' into a half-marriage and you will end up utterly miserable.

Your DS is adjusting. Nesting might be a good way to ease him into this new situation. See if your ex will let you switch homes two nights a week. If he truly has your DC best interests at heart, this is a way to prove it.

One positive - we actually ended up with more quality time today than we have done as he’s normally locked in his room for hours on his x box!

Seems to me that to give the boy "more time" would just convey the message that he can ignore parental demands. Also seems to me that you should start by being more assertive with your husband, and, if no luck, talk to a lawyer.

It would only be when ex is working (13 hours out of the house) so DS could come and go like he normally did, relax but I would be there too as it’s too long for him to be alone.

Yep, my ex was the same. I think if we'd have split when dc were young he'd never have seen them.
I think most men can't be bothered with the hassle of little kids. it actually upsets me now at how my dc prefer to be with him because he's fun now. They were too young to see how he couldnt be bothered when they were little. I did and still do everything for them. ive got new school uniforms to organise next week. plus 1 dc has appointments, all for me to sort as dad wouldn't know where to start.
He gets all the glory though and it hurts.

What is EA?

Emotional abuse.

I’m glad that you accept that you can’t tell ds what to do.
Your ex is right - the best thing to do is to go at Ds’ pace and see him in the day and he stays at dad’s at night. Forcing teens never goes well where as giving them time to think and respecting their decision is a good strategy.
Changes happen in life and if that’s how ds deals with things then that’s fine. Even if he’s angry now, he will later understand that you love him and respect him.

Can you possibly have some time with your older DS alone while younger DS is at your ex's?
It does sound like your 13yo needs 1:1 time.
If you are still the consistent, practical and loving mum it sounds like you are, I feel like he will come round.
I imagine your ex will continue to badmouth you and I also imagine your DS has heard him doing it. The novelty of fun dad may wear off quickly.

If you have him for evenings (especially if your ex is working late) and do some morning school runs too he may see a practical side to staying at yours.

My DH and I are happily married but we had a few weeks apart a couple of years ago, DD who is more able in some ways was with me and it was a good break for her to be away from DS.

I agree, I really feel for op it must be heartbreaking.