What have I done.

[SadBarney]

Hi all,
I don’t really post on forums, but I’ve been up all night and feel like I have nowhere to turn. My wife and I have been together for 25 years married when we were 21 and 25 – we’re best friends, have built a beautiful home together, and we have three amazing children who are our whole world. Our youngest son 7 years old adores me, and every parent at school tells me I’m a great dad. I work hard, she works hard – we’ve really tried to build a life.

But there’s been a problem in our relationship for a long time – I suffer from premature ejaculation. It’s something I’ve been ashamed of and struggled to deal with, and because of that, I’ve held back from intimacy altogether. She’s told me many times she needs that closeness, but I didn’t know how to fix it. Over the years she’s had multiple affairs, and recently she told me she can’t keep hurting me or living like this anymore. She says it’s not fair on either of us and that when I touch her now, it feels wrong to her.

We’re giving it six months while I find a better job – I’m between roles at the moment – and the plan is that she stays in the house with the kids and I find a small flat nearby so I can still see them as much as possible. She says the kids will be fine, but I’m heartbroken. I still love her deeply, and despite everything, I know I’ve failed her in that one part of our marriage. I can’t blame her. But it hurts more than I can put into words.

I guess I’m just looking for advice, or someone who’s been through anything similar. I feel like less of a man. Like I’ve let everyone down. I know I’m a good dad and a decent person, but right now I just feel broken.

Thanks for reading.

Why would you bd the one to leave and live in a small flat ?

you should be looking for an arrangement where you can have 50:50 cars and house then at yours too

because I can’t take the kids out of this home. Their rooms, they are all happy. In all honestly I’ve always thought that I live for my family and I never want any harm or stress to come to them. I could never put myself first if it meant any disruption to them. I’d live in a car to keep them in this beautiful home.

You’ve not let anyone down.

firstly, opening up about a medical condition like that is hard and if you’ve honestly tried to solve it and maintain intimacy then that’s all you can do

her reaction to it (having affairs) is on her and is totally out of order. That is not your fault.

regarding practicality, as the pp said, there’s no reason why you should just move into a tiny flat and see your kids very little. Maybe the house will need to be sold but you could and should look to both have housing suitable for the kids, and look to have 50:50.

see a solicitor. Ensure you (both) get what’s fair.

Have you ever sought treatment for your PE?

This is heartbreaking. Get yourself some counselling.

You seem to feel very guilty about this; don’t punish your family by punishing yourself into a settlement that deprives them of you as a father and deprives her of a true coparent. Don’t rush into any big decisions while you are broken and shocked.

Sometime you need to look after yourself to do what’s best for them. Kids need 2 parents and 2 nice homes. You sacrificing yourself isn’t what they want or need.

You aren’t the person in the wrong here, your wife is by having affairs.
I really feel for you. I wouldn’t accept losing everything and letting her have the lot. If you are divorcing you should get equal assets and equal time with the children.

You might not want to take the children from the home they grew up in, but it is your wife doing that, not you. You should feel no guilt. You need to think of all of your futures now, including your own which means having a home yourself that the children can stay in and not resorting to living in a tiny flat so that your wife can carry on as she is.

OP, if you move into a small flat, how will you be able to see your DC? How will they be able to come over and stay with you? What will happen when (inevitably) your DW moves a new bloke in? You need to ensure that you will be able to keep contact with your DC in a meaningful way. Unfortunately, divorce is never easy, and it may be that your DC will not want to stay at yours anyway, because they will get fed up with having to move their stuff around, or having things in the wrong house. If, though, you have a small flat where there isn’t room for them and their friends, you will end up a Disney dad, seeing your children only when you take them out to places.

We’ve also always had the kids jumping into our bed at night – and we’ve allowed it. I think, deep down, it became a bit of an unspoken excuse to avoid intimacy. It just became the norm, and we never challenged it. Looking back, maybe that was part of how we both gave up on that side of things.

What really breaks me is that I had a simple dream – work hard, raise the kids well, and then grow old together and enjoy life once the busy years were behind us. That’s all gone now. She’s already told me she’s moving on, and honestly, I know she’ll meet someone else in no time – if she hasn’t already. Meanwhile, I’m sitting here heartbroken, barely able to breathe at times, and she’s upbeat, telling me it’s for the best and that I’ll be happy too one day.

She’s out for a meal tonight with her friends who fully support her decision. And I’m just here, grieving something that isn’t even gone yet.

You’re right – I’ve been so focused on leaving them the house that I didn’t think properly about how it affects time with the kids. I don’t want to be a “Disney dad,” especially with how close I am to my youngest. The house we’re in now is rented, and we do have a buy-to-let that brings in £1,700, but the mortgage on it is £800 – and I can’t move into it legally. I’ve got no chance of a new mortgage either due to my self-employment history. I’ll have to rethink things so I can stay close and present in their lives.

Thank you – I really appreciate that. I’ve always blamed myself for the lack of intimacy, so I felt like I didn’t have the right to push for anything. But you’re right – I need to think about my own future too. She’s actually said I can have the kids 50/50 with no issue, and financially she’s happy to do whatever makes sense. She just wants me gone because, in her words, although we’re best friends, she can’t trust herself not to cheat again. Honestly, I feel like she’s already seeing someone – it would explain why she’s suddenly so happy and at peace with everything.

Did you ever seek treatment?

Just a few creams and online videos but I left it too late

Why didn’t you try harder or see your GP?

You’ve said you’re giving it 6 months - SO FIX IT! Hair on fire important! Leave no stone unturned. Even if it doesn’t mend your marriage you need this sorting to move on - it is so irresponsible to prioritise your own discomfort above the basics of marriage.

You have a medical condition, you need to be kinder to yourself. It doesn’t make you less than and it doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to your share of things.

You sound like a good man and a good father, which are the things that should hold real value in a long term relationship. And for what it’s worth, she sounds cold and callous and actually YOU will probably be better off without her in the long term, though I appreciate it won’t feel like that right now.

Different values I suppose, but I think cheating in a marriage is wrong no matter what the circumstances. Stay or end the marriage, but cheating when you’ve taken vows is wrong in my eyes.

You’ve put into words what I’ve been struggling to admit to myself. I swept it all under the carpet for years, hoping it would just be okay – that she’d learn to live with it. But I can see now how much damage I did by not facing it properly. The way she moves away when I try to touch her now says everything.

I’ve always loved her deeply and put her first, but I also know she told me so many times that we needed to fix things. I can’t blame her for walking away – not in that sense. I’ve even had nightmares where I catch her with someone else or see messages on her phone – and it’s happened before. But I let it go, just to keep our family together.

Our kids have no idea. But this morning, after I dropped my son off, he looked at me and said, “Daddy, where’s your smile?” I cried in the car. That just broke me.

So why didn’t you fix it? Seriously? Why?

So you’re happy to hand over the kids, house and assets to her while you become second class dad in a tiny fist and then watch your ex move a new bloke in to the house you’ve paid /paying for and pit your kids to bed ?

I know I sound harsh here but you need to wise up being a good dad means having a place you can accommodate that at yours and be a proper dad to them not just visiting

Your marriage is over because you didn’t listen to her or prioritise HER needs and feelings.

I understand why it might come across that way. I’ve never denied my part in this – I know I avoided facing the issue for too long, and that caused real damage. But it was never out of selfishness. It was fear, shame, and not knowing how to fix something that made me feel broken.

That said, I’ve taken responsibility, and I’m not here to paint myself as a victim. I just needed a space to talk and reflect. I still love her and our children deeply, and I’m doing everything I can to make sure they’re okay – even if it means stepping away from the life I thought we’d have.

@Fusedspur her affairs arent justified regardless and as on here when it’s reversed she should have done the decent thing and left the relationship before embarking on liaisons elsewhere

and irrespective to that op should not have to give up his home and children

@Fusedspur the narruage is also over as his wife chose to have multiple affairs ffs. Stop just laying into the op !