What have I done.

[SadBarney]

Hi all,
I don’t really post on forums, but I’ve been up all night and feel like I have nowhere to turn. My wife and I have been together for 25 years married when we were 21 and 25 – we’re best friends, have built a beautiful home together, and we have three amazing children who are our whole world. Our youngest son 7 years old adores me, and every parent at school tells me I’m a great dad. I work hard, she works hard – we’ve really tried to build a life.

But there’s been a problem in our relationship for a long time – I suffer from premature ejaculation. It’s something I’ve been ashamed of and struggled to deal with, and because of that, I’ve held back from intimacy altogether. She’s told me many times she needs that closeness, but I didn’t know how to fix it. Over the years she’s had multiple affairs, and recently she told me she can’t keep hurting me or living like this anymore. She says it’s not fair on either of us and that when I touch her now, it feels wrong to her.

We’re giving it six months while I find a better job – I’m between roles at the moment – and the plan is that she stays in the house with the kids and I find a small flat nearby so I can still see them as much as possible. She says the kids will be fine, but I’m heartbroken. I still love her deeply, and despite everything, I know I’ve failed her in that one part of our marriage. I can’t blame her. But it hurts more than I can put into words.

I guess I’m just looking for advice, or someone who’s been through anything similar. I feel like less of a man. Like I’ve let everyone down. I know I’m a good dad and a decent person, but right now I just feel broken.

Thanks for reading.

My heartbreaks for you as I have been discarded for similarish reasons and my husband left me for his last affair partner. It hurts so much but you won’t be ‘Sad’ Barney forever, you’ll find lightness & happiness again one day and when the time is right for you, if you chose, someone will cherish you the way you should have been cherished. Cheaters are vile, self serving, abusive people, who wants to share a life with someone so lacking in morals and integrity?
Onwards Barney x

Things are harder than I expected. My partner and I agreed to be respectful toward each other while she stayed in our shared home. That was the plan, at least.

Today she went out, and a few friends of mine saw her kissing another man at a restaurant, holding hands and giggling. She came home like nothing happened, and I didn’t say a word. I didn’t want to create a scene or start a fight — I just sat with it in silence. I honestly didn’t know what to say, or what good it would do.

It hurts. But I know that when she moves out next year, I’ll be better off — emotionally and financially. I’m just trying to keep things peaceful until then, even though it’s not easy. I think it’s time I stop pretending everything’s fine and start being honest about what’s going on.

Appreciate anyone who reads this — just needed to get it off my chest.

The next 6 months are going to be really hard for you! Maybe you should prioritise moving out.

My ex husband and I agreed to live in the family house together while the divorce was being processed. I was the main earner and I couldn't bear to see him homeless. It was also supposed to give him time to find a job

He couldn't cope with me going out in the end because every time I went out he would imagine me having sex with someone. He also was too distracted by anything I did to find a job.

I made the decision to move out for my own sanity and he spent 18 months sofa surfing with friends. The very thing I was trying to protect him against.

Sometimes it's better to rip off the bandage and just move out from the start. Not everyone is built for open relationships/ living together after a divorce. Especially under these circumstances

I am so sorry you are enduring this pain. While I was still in the family home my ex was spending 3 nights away supposedly at his parents or friends. He wasn’t he was staying with his affair partner which I suspect but he vehemently denied but I couldn’t prove. It was 18 months later during financial disclosure I found he’d been paying money into his girlfriend’s bank account all that time he was denying being with someone. It’s devastating.
I8 months on I have no desire to be with anyone else yet they move on like we were nothing. Have you done any research into narcissistic personality disorder? It explains a lot about my ex, they are wired completely differently maybe see if your ex fits the profile it’s helped me a little to understand how he could have acted like this. Take care, loads of us know exactly how you are feeling.

Oh come off it.
Having been on the other side of a relationship like the OPs I have to say the narcissistic personality trope doesn't really fit his wife here.

I understand you had a shitty partner but OPs wife is not your partner and it's weird that you are encouraging him to label her a narcissist.

OP is actually not blameless in the situation. He made definite selfish choices that has brought his relationship to this point.

As much as I can empathise with him, he really is not blameless in all this. His wife can very well start calling him a narcissist too for being self centered enough not to consider her needs in the relationship.

i agree. Again he doesn’t know what to do this time when she is openly having an affair
in front of their friends.
It’s like his mouth doesn’t work. He is completely frozen and unable to act and plans to do this for another 6 months. Again.

OP you need to go to the GP.
You need help and support. Fight back x

Where did I say his wife WAS a narcissist? I didn’t say his wife had NPD, I said it might be worth reading up about. I never considered my ex was a narcissist as I had no idea what one was beyond someone who ‘loved themselves’ until I researched it and realise that he ticks every characteristic/behaviour and it explains a lot to me.
OPs wife cheated on him, multiple times, by definition that’s a person who is interested in centrality, their ‘needs’ being the only thing that matters, not her husband and not even her kids.
What were the OPs selfish choices? It sounds like he had a medical condition that he was embarrassed and probably felt like crap about. I had to have a stoma due to crohns which is what led to my ex cheating on me as he didn’t find me attractive and wanted to shag someone that wasn’t imperfect, was that my selfish choice?
Whether she’s potentially got a personality disorder or not she’s a massive Tw*t regardless.

So you are implying she is a narcissist! Why should he read on NPD if that's not what you were saying?

Medical condition or not, the OP put himself first before the needs of his partner and she satisfied these needs somewhere else. Both of them are Twats in my opinion. One persons choices pushed the other person to make choices like cheating and now she is a villan. Its a domino effect that started with the OP putting his shame first. He probably should read about NPD for his behaviour and choices!

Again your relationship is not a blueprint for other people's behaviour.

So people with medical problems are twts for struggling to deal their issues in a timely manner before their spouses needs to fuk someone else?
Respectfully, let’s leave it there.

Do you think you could get her to move out before February? To me, waiting until February when you can afford to buy the buy-to-let property outright for her to live in only really benefits her.

I think you need to start putting yourself first, like she’s doing. Stop accommodating her, she’s acting selfishly, time you thought more about yourself too. I think now you know she is likely in a relationship with someone else this is going to eat you up if she continues to live with you. I’ve been on your thread from the start and can see how deeply you feel things. You are likely to struggle now whenever she goes out now.

In your shoes I think I would want to sell the buy-to-let, split any of the equity. You remain where you are in the rental as you said because of your income you might not get somewhere else, and she either finds her own rental or buys somewhere else with her share of the equity. Do you think that would be a possibility?