What have I done.

[SadBarney]

Hi all,
I don’t really post on forums, but I’ve been up all night and feel like I have nowhere to turn. My wife and I have been together for 25 years married when we were 21 and 25 – we’re best friends, have built a beautiful home together, and we have three amazing children who are our whole world. Our youngest son 7 years old adores me, and every parent at school tells me I’m a great dad. I work hard, she works hard – we’ve really tried to build a life.

But there’s been a problem in our relationship for a long time – I suffer from premature ejaculation. It’s something I’ve been ashamed of and struggled to deal with, and because of that, I’ve held back from intimacy altogether. She’s told me many times she needs that closeness, but I didn’t know how to fix it. Over the years she’s had multiple affairs, and recently she told me she can’t keep hurting me or living like this anymore. She says it’s not fair on either of us and that when I touch her now, it feels wrong to her.

We’re giving it six months while I find a better job – I’m between roles at the moment – and the plan is that she stays in the house with the kids and I find a small flat nearby so I can still see them as much as possible. She says the kids will be fine, but I’m heartbroken. I still love her deeply, and despite everything, I know I’ve failed her in that one part of our marriage. I can’t blame her. But it hurts more than I can put into words.

I guess I’m just looking for advice, or someone who’s been through anything similar. I feel like less of a man. Like I’ve let everyone down. I know I’m a good dad and a decent person, but right now I just feel broken.

Thanks for reading.

Yes. They have the right to terminate that relationship and move on. They do not have the right to sex

It's a medical condition. If your wife had a medical condition that meant her labido is low or she can not have sex and you both decided the relationship would be over, how would you treat her? With kindness and conpassion hopefully and make arrangements that are equal and fair.

Agree with this. Personally (controversial opinion here) I do think that a problematic lack of intimacy in a relationship and one partner’s lack of willingness to do something about it does justify looking outside the marriage. Or at least make it almost inevitable.

If this was reversed and a woman had problems with having sex with her husband so he had multiple affairs and now he wanted to leave her, he would get roasted on here. I agree he should have tried harder to get help for his sexual problems but things must have been not that bad for a number of years if they have three children. She should have left him straight away if it was such a problem, not had children with him and let him find a more sympathetic partner with whom he might have been able to get things sorted.

You need to address this because it is affecting your self esteem and because it is seriously affecting your own life, and therefore your ability to parent..

Choose a therapist from here. Make sure it's someone you feel comfortable talking to (most therapists offer a free 15 minute call to check this beforehand).

Of course it will be uncomfortable at first but remember they deal with this every day and are specialists. They won't shame you. Also see a GP to check for physical issues. TBH if I were your wife it would as much be your unwillingness to seek help as the PE that wold be the deal breaker. You still have a lot of life to live. Make sure it's not a half life of shame and lack of fulfillment.

Find a Therapist | cosrt

I've always loved her deeply and put her first, but I also know she told me so many times that we needed to fix things.

@SadBarney If she told you many times that things needed fixing and you did nothing about your PE, that is not putting her first. You put your embarrasment and discomfort ahead of your wife and family.

Your wife chose another way of dealing with it, admittedly not an ideal one, but being in a LTR which lacks intimacy is soul destroying.

It may well be too late to fix things with your wife, but you still need to address this issue. Have you at least been to see your GP and asked for help?

Actually I wouldn’t roast him if he had asked her to try to do something about it and she had refused. Shit happens. People have affairs when they’re not happy. It’s a massive Mumsnet thing to be like, I would never ever it’s so awful but it’s common, people who are otherwise not disgusting horrific humans look for comfort and connection outside of their marriage when their needs have been neglected for years/decades.

having said that, I think the OP is on the verge of being shafted in a potential divorce settlement here and has had some good advice.

My exh had PE I never once had an affair or even looked at another man. To have an affair is morally repugnant, I presume you didn't know about them? Let her go OP and stop beating yourself up.

Forcing someone to be celibate and refusing to address it is wrong and incredibly selfish as well. Especially when it's something treatable like PE.

I feel sorry for you. You should have done more to get treatment, you know that. However your wife should not have affairs, in my view your problem is not an excuse. If you were my husband I would absolutely stay faithful. I would go to the GP with you as the problem affects both of us. Possible TMI here: If that didn’t help I would just do cuddling and mutual masturbation to keep a physical connection. No advice I’m afraid, it seems your wife has moved on already. All the best.

If she was that unhappy she couldve just left instead of having affairs behind his and her children’s backs.

It doesn’t sound as though the affairs were behind his back. And still, he didn’t address this. Not even seeing the doctor. No intimacy, nothing. The poor woman. Clearly this arrangement suited him though.

Yeah and poor op for

having the problem in the first place and
having a serial cheat as a wife

You need to back off. I don’t know whether you’re doing this for fun or you genuinely think what you’re saying, but you are being pretty nasty to an op who is struggling.

The OP posted in good faith looking for advice. And he still has a chance of rescuing the situation but seems determined not to even try which is absolutely his choice. Making his wife the villain of the piece is misguided.

This is absurd. It’s of his own doing AND there’s a chance to fix it.

@Fusedspur you keep writing unkind things then getting people’s comments deleted who point it out to you. What is your problem?

That’s not actually accurate though is it? It isn’t unkind at all to highlight that all is not lost, to the OP. Posting personal attacks however, is.

Just because someone disagrees with your perspective doesn’t mean you have the right to make personal attacks or call them unkind!

You might be doing an about turn with your faux concern now, but all of the posts that came before it were kicking OP and multiple people told you to stop and you didn’t. Then you started getting peoples comments deleted, including mine.

That’s tosh. I don’t “get” comments deleted, I reported personal attacks and that’s what was deleted.

And yet you have decided that the wife, who stuck with this for over 20 years and whom the OP describes as his best friend, is “Cold and callous.” There’s some heavy duty projection coming from YOU, not me.

It’s NOT all of his own doing though. That’s the point, give it a rest

And you are attacking and being quite frankly vile to the op

Which bit isn’t his own doing? The refusal to seek help despite his wife asking? The allowing the kids to come into the bed to reduce intimacy? Which bit?