What have I done.

[SadBarney]

Hi all,
I don’t really post on forums, but I’ve been up all night and feel like I have nowhere to turn. My wife and I have been together for 25 years married when we were 21 and 25 – we’re best friends, have built a beautiful home together, and we have three amazing children who are our whole world. Our youngest son 7 years old adores me, and every parent at school tells me I’m a great dad. I work hard, she works hard – we’ve really tried to build a life.

But there’s been a problem in our relationship for a long time – I suffer from premature ejaculation. It’s something I’ve been ashamed of and struggled to deal with, and because of that, I’ve held back from intimacy altogether. She’s told me many times she needs that closeness, but I didn’t know how to fix it. Over the years she’s had multiple affairs, and recently she told me she can’t keep hurting me or living like this anymore. She says it’s not fair on either of us and that when I touch her now, it feels wrong to her.

We’re giving it six months while I find a better job – I’m between roles at the moment – and the plan is that she stays in the house with the kids and I find a small flat nearby so I can still see them as much as possible. She says the kids will be fine, but I’m heartbroken. I still love her deeply, and despite everything, I know I’ve failed her in that one part of our marriage. I can’t blame her. But it hurts more than I can put into words.

I guess I’m just looking for advice, or someone who’s been through anything similar. I feel like less of a man. Like I’ve let everyone down. I know I’m a good dad and a decent person, but right now I just feel broken.

Thanks for reading.

All of this advice about the OP seeking treatment for is PE seems completely pointless to me. His wife has got the ick and has had it for years, she’s had multiple affairs, and sounds like she wants to settle down with someone now.

OP shouldn’t be worrying about finding a new partner and his ED right now. He needs to focus on divorce, housing and his children. He needs advice about how much money he will be entitled to from the buy to let and to work out what home he can afford. Whether he stays renting the existing home or rents a different home is neither here nor there.

My ex husband could have written this post!
I was 23 when we met and he definitely knew he had ED as he was 13 years older. For years he told me he couldn't get it up because I was not attractive. I spent over a decade feeling unattractive and put up with the lack of intimacy because no one would want me.
He was a great dad to our kids but he put himself first and almost destroyed me mentally just because he didn't want to get help.

After 14 years together I didn't make the decision to get divorced lightly but I probably would have had an affair if an opportunity presented itself.

@Fusedspur Still silencing people I see by getting their comments deleted. You really don’t like seeing a man get support from women, do you?

Op I feel like some of your post is a bit disingenuous and that you would do better to be honest and realistic about your situation.

You say that the plan is for you to get a tiny flat while your wife stays in the lovely home. But in an update you say the house is rented. And also mention that the break up is on hold for 6 months while you sort your employment situation. So is the reality that your wife can afford to pay the rent on the lovely home once you separate while you can only afford the rent on a tiny flat?

Im trying not to make assumptions here but I get the impression that there’s more going on than just the ED and the affairs.

My advice is to stop seeing yourself as. a victim and focus on rebuilding your life. Your wife is clearly done with the marriage. You can’t change that. I think she deserves some credit for agreeing to wait 6 months while you sort your employment situation.

You need to seek legal advice about fair division of the marital assets which seem to be a buy to let, savings, cars and pensions. Then make things easy on your DC. That means being strong in front of them, being amicable and moving on with your life. Seek therapy. Accept your part in the breakdown of the marriage and do better in the future

Ha so my post has been deleted. Fusedspur clearly can dish hate comments out but can't take anything back. My comment wasn't hate just truthful

Er no, you were troll hunting.

Every comment @Fusedspur has had deleted was truthful.
It blows my mind that mumsnet went along with it.

Wow, such a quick response. I've been dipping in and out of Mumsnet throughout the day. Your replies seem to be instantaneous to anyone who quotes you or says anything about your unnecessary posts. Seems like you're glued to this thread.

Seriously, leave the op alone. And get a life

The OP appears to be long gone. And yet here you are.

pretty disgusted by this thread tbh. The op is already down . He knows he partly to blame. But he’s not 100% and does not deserve the vitriol on here! Some people are literally being bitches and it highlights the complete double standards on mumsnet! This would never be the case if sexes were reversed. Never

op if you’re still here, seek medical
help so you can find a fulfilling relationship with someone who doesn’t cheat and legal advice so you can have a life with your children in a home of your own and not hand it all to your ex ! I wish you luck

They found one

Nonsense. If a woman on here came to say she had chronic UTIs and couldn't have sex but refused to seek treatment for it then people would say you have to seek treatment or your marriage is over. Saying there, there isn't resolving anything. No-one has been nasty on this thread to the OP and you calling everyone bitches just makes you look silly.

Anyone can ask for a comment to be deleted including Mumsnet.

I suspect lots of us have reported Fusedspur's posts, judging by the deletions !

And quite right, too. Vile comments.

Because your vile posts have driven him away.

I found out about the affairs after they happened — behind my back — and each time, it broke me. She always said she was sorry, that it would never happen again, and that it was because I wasn’t giving her what she needed. We cried together, tried again, but the same cycle kept repeating.

I’m not looking for sympathy. She made it clear last night that she feels relieved it’s over and is glad I’ve accepted it. We’ve agreed to buy our buy-to-let property next February. It’s a 3-bedroom house, and she’ll move into it. I’ll stay in this rented place, and we’ll share the kids equally between us.

The house will be in both our names. I know one day she may meet someone else and want to sell — we’ll deal with that when it comes. The main thing is the kids will have two stable homes close to each other. We’ve agreed to stay under the same roof until we save enough to buy the house outright.

I’ve thought about moving into that house myself, but I couldn’t live with the worry that she might one day want her share and I’d be forced to move out. I think she’ll be settled there.

We had a long, honest talk. She told me she no longer feels any sexual attraction to me — maybe it’s not just the PE, maybe it’s her too — but whatever it is, that part of our relationship is gone for her. I haven’t seen her this happy in years, and as painful as that is, I want her to be happy.

And I want that for my beautiful children, too.

This will be the hardest change of my life. I’ve poured myself into fatherhood — the school runs, the clubs, the homework, the daily chaos. I’ll miss it all so much. But I know it’s time to let go. Maybe I was the problem — maybe 90% of it was me — but I have to move forward now.

Sorry to hear about your situation, and sorry you've had to endure some vile and unhelpful comments on here.

I'm glad you have come to an agreement on your living situation, keep on being a great dad, keep up the routine with your kids as much as you can, and on the days they're not staying with you , you can plan some fun stuff to do with them, and have a little time to work on yourself too.

Thank you, I really appreciate your kind message — it genuinely means a lot right now. I’ve been trying to skim past the more negative comments; I know some people might be trying to help in their own way, but tone really does matter. A bit of kindness goes a long way when you’re already feeling broken.

I’m doing my best to stay strong for the kids and keep things as normal as possible, but the truth is, without my children and wife, I feel utterly alone. The tears I’ve shed when no one’s looking, the way my little boy notices my sad face and gives me a hug — it’s those moments that hit the hardest. I can’t really talk to anyone because deep down I feel like talking won’t fix any of it. I haven’t had suicidal thoughts, but I have questioned what’s left without them. When the kids grow up and have their own lives, am I just going to be working for some corporate company and coming home to silence every night?

Is it just me, or do others feel this way too?

nobody knows the future.

I’d recommend you go to your gp and talk to them. Ask your wife to help you make the appointment and she might even go with you.

You need help and support at this time.

@SadBarney The future feels scary for lots of people because life doesn’t come with any guarantees, no matter our circumstances.

Right now you are in the thick of it because the rug has only just been pulled from under your feet and you are bound to feel sad and uncertain about the future.

You sound like a great Dad and that is what you should concentrate on for now, that relationship is so important.

Just because you have your medical issue, it does not write off having a future with someone else, which it sounds like you feel is going to happen with your comment about a lonely future. Not everybody wants the same things from life. Not every woman will behave like your wife.

It will take some adjusting to if you're living on your own for part of the time, I am similar in that I seperated from my wife, and moved out to a flat on a temporary basis where my kids can come and stay with me.
Don't worry too much about being strong,
Just be yourself it's ok to be up and down, it's great that your son gives you a hug if he notices that your sad.
Have you got family and/or friends you can talk to? Or just spend time with? It may not fix things, but it may make you feel a little better, and you may get some good advice, or sometimes it's good to just get things off your chest while someone listens.

In time you might feel like dating, and enjoy meeting new people, I definitely wouldn't worry about being alone.

You sound a lovely man, wishing your wife happiness and the love you have for your children.
Had you went to the doctor years ago, got treatment, you could still be in the midst of splitting up with your wife.
You are not just a H and a dad, you are more than that, please go to dr and get treatment, if you don’t then you are sabotaging yourself moving on in the future. You deserve happiness, you deserve to meet someone, you’ve allowed PE to define you but it’s time to stop using shame as a shield to stop you sorting out a medical condition.

Thank you to everyone who’s responded to me lately — genuinely.

I just wanted to say how much I appreciate the time, empathy, and honesty you’ve all shown. When I’ve felt completely lost — overwhelmed by heartbreak, fear of being alone, and unsure what the future holds — your words have helped me feel seen, even for a moment.

Some of you have shared hard truths, others have just listened or reassured me that I’m not going mad for feeling this way. It’s strange how a bunch of strangers on a forum can sometimes offer more understanding than people you’ve known your whole life.

I’m still hurting, still figuring things out, but I wanted you all to know that your replies haven’t gone unnoticed. They’ve given me strength when I had none left.

Thank you, truly.

OP - personally, I agree with your W - it is for the best that you two separate. And, in the long term, it'll be the best for both.
However, I think you two can find a better way of handling it.

You don't need to move out. You can and should continue living together, but as separated co-parents, until you sort out financials. It's a waste of money to be renting alongside your family home, and the other property that you own.
The "cheating" issue should be taken off the table - agree that you are in an open marriage now. Or, simply - as separated people - you can date whoever.

Her previous "cheating" is also not really that. You took sex off the table. She told you it was something she needed in a relationship. It was ignored.

You should have agreed an open marriage back then, and maybe you'd not be in this place today.

OP As you aren't in work currently (I think that's right) but your wife is? If she works for a half decent employer they will offer an employee assistance programme that is sometimes available for close family of the employee, i.e. you. If you are able to, why not ask for this info so you can get some professional support. This could be some counselling or initial legal advice. Its confidential and won't cost anything. If she doesn't, there are industry-wide ones that offer the same - this is the construction industry one for example - https://lighthousecharity.org/free-24-7-support/

Marriages end all the time. I promise, you won't feel like this forever. And when the dust settles, we all find a new normal. And joy comes back. We also can learn from our mistakes can't we. You will learn so much from this. It'll be ok.