What have I done.

[SadBarney]

Hi all,
I don’t really post on forums, but I’ve been up all night and feel like I have nowhere to turn. My wife and I have been together for 25 years married when we were 21 and 25 – we’re best friends, have built a beautiful home together, and we have three amazing children who are our whole world. Our youngest son 7 years old adores me, and every parent at school tells me I’m a great dad. I work hard, she works hard – we’ve really tried to build a life.

But there’s been a problem in our relationship for a long time – I suffer from premature ejaculation. It’s something I’ve been ashamed of and struggled to deal with, and because of that, I’ve held back from intimacy altogether. She’s told me many times she needs that closeness, but I didn’t know how to fix it. Over the years she’s had multiple affairs, and recently she told me she can’t keep hurting me or living like this anymore. She says it’s not fair on either of us and that when I touch her now, it feels wrong to her.

We’re giving it six months while I find a better job – I’m between roles at the moment – and the plan is that she stays in the house with the kids and I find a small flat nearby so I can still see them as much as possible. She says the kids will be fine, but I’m heartbroken. I still love her deeply, and despite everything, I know I’ve failed her in that one part of our marriage. I can’t blame her. But it hurts more than I can put into words.

I guess I’m just looking for advice, or someone who’s been through anything similar. I feel like less of a man. Like I’ve let everyone down. I know I’m a good dad and a decent person, but right now I just feel broken.

Thanks for reading.

It does sound like she might have met someone. She’s happy and upbeat because she’s had her time to come to terms with all this, whereas you haven’t.

You need to focus on yourself a bit too. Could you bear to get yourself to the doctor and get the ball rolling for some help with everything. And even though you think you’ve an idea of how you would move forward re accommodation, you really ought to take legal advice. It might not be right that she keeps the big house and you live in a flat. She may want to move a future partner into the house.. You may need to sell the rental, weigh up what you both have and split it more fairly. As things stand now she seems to want to keep everything the same for herself and just push you out.

You might still be able to turn this around if you went to the doc and a urologist and did everything in your power to firstly fix it and secondly ensure that your wife sees that you’ve heard her.

But I bet you won’t. Because it’s uncomfortable and hard, and THAT, is what’s more important to you. More important than keeping your home and marriage together. If that’s not selfishness then I don’t know what is.

@Fusedspurbit of humanity, no?

My husband suffered from premature ejaculation, and he did nothing about it either.

I met him when I was only 18, and we were snogging and poof - it was over. I just assumed I was soooo alluring and wonderful. I didn't realise it was a problem, as back in the early 90s there wasn't the internet etc ....

I had the added problem that my husband wasn't interested in my needs. He was OK, he got the happy ending, he thought our sex life was fantastic, but I didn't get anything and I started to feel surplus to requirements. He didn't need me. Two thrusts on my left arse cheek was enough for it to be over.

It was one of the main things that ended our marriage. When I told him how I felt, instead of seeing a GP he went on Love Honey and bought me some intensive orgasm gel stuff .... like it was my issue. I told him to go and see a professional, but he wouldn't. So - I left him.

Of course there were many many other issues (alcohol, gross misconduct dismissal etc) that played a part. But without any intimacy, we had nothing.

Your medical issue doesn't justify her having affairs! Sounds like she's just after a reason to leave. Even if a man is impotent, he has fingers and a tongue and sex toys are a thing. Hope you find someone who loves and appreciates you as you are. Keep it as civil as possible for the kids but don't be a doormat just cos there's still a lot of love there. Get out and get on with your life. Maybe try a cock ring.

You’re right – I’ve been so focused on making it easy for her and the kids that I’ve forgotten I matter too. Maybe I’ve also been scared no other woman would ever accept this side of me, so I’ve mentally given her a pass for things I shouldn’t have. But I need to stop thinking like someone who’s failed and start showing up properly as a dad – with a home they can come to, not just visit.

Hang on - so you’re STILL not going to fix this?

OP o do think you need consider how 5050 will work, they need to be able to spend time with you in your new home - make the bedrooms there really nice too

I get what you’re saying, but how can I fix something when she’s told me, “I don’t like it when you touch me,” “I want to go,” and “It’s for the best”? I’ve finally accepted that she’s already emotionally gone. I can’t force someone to stay when they’ve made it that clear.

Why are you being so horrible to the OP?

And why would he want to fix something with a woman who cheats??

Even if he fixed his problem, she would be the type to walk away if another curve ball came his way. Some people don’t bother sticking to the vow of “In sickness and in health”.

@Fusedspur lay off

you don’t know what’s gone on, you’re making assumptions and justifying the ops ex. Just stop . She is accountable as much as op and her affairs are not justified !

if this was a women who’s husband had done this you would not react this way. You’re one of those who regardless of situation it will always be the man’s fault.

Sorry but that absolutely is selfishness. You didn’t face something that was uncomfortable for you to face and expected her to be ok with it forever. Sorry you are having a shit time but you need to accept your part in this.

@SadBarney Did you ever have discussions with your partner about your PE ? Did she want to discuss it with you at any point?

hoping... that she’d learn to live with it.

I’ve always... put her first

These two statements can't both be true. You didn't put her first. You put your discomfort around at least trying to get a medical issue sorted first.

Leave him alone now. It’s enough. You’ve kicked him enough. Control yourself.

@Fusedspur are you the wife? Or have you been in a similar relationship? That's the only way to explain your vitriol. @SadBarney there are women out there who aren't interested in sex, especially post menopause. I'm one of them. I just stopped talking to someone online because he kept mentioning sex when we had only been chatting for about a week.

There’s not a single thread on here where a woman doesn’t want (or isn’t able to have) sex and the man decides to have affairs, where that is met with “it’s your fault” and the woman is called selfish.

the correct action here would be for her to leave, then find a new partner. Not have affairs. That’s totally on her and not his fault at all!

Op has acknowledged his part
. but he is not solely to blame, and op ex is accountable for her actions too.

so many women don’t want sex and noone ever says it’s your fault your husband had multiple affairs ! In fact the opposite !

Op should seek help yes, but he should also stop taking all the blame and start standing up for himself against a wife who’s walking all over him

Mate, ignore the couple of nasty pieces of work on this thread, there are always a few kicking someone while they’re down.

maybe you didn’t do enough to sort the issue, but that ship has sailed now, and it absolutely does not excuse her actions at all!

focus now on doing what’s right for you and your kids.

you will get through this

Her right??

no one has a right to expect another person to give them sex! They have the right to leave.

ffs there’s no way you’d tell a woman her husband has a right to sex

I think you need to accept that sadly your marriage is over and the fact that you refused to engage with or make a solid attempt to fix the main issue is a large part of that.

There's so much help out there and intimacy and sexual pleasure is about so much more than how long it takes to climax.

That said you shouldn't sell yourself short in terms of settlement and access to the kids. What is the legal reason you can't move into the BTL property? Can anything be done about that?

No one has a right to sex, but if one partner communicates to the other that lack of intimacy is an issue and that person refuses to do anything about it, then they need to take some responsibility when it all goes pear-shaped.